IĀ get it. When you stood in front of the altar and made your vows, you expected happily ever after. But things changed. You both grew apart. There might have been an affair. Perhaps the continuous arguments about how to raise the children widened the growing wedge between the two of you.
Regardless of the reason, the end result was the same. You ended up as a divorcĆ©e. Let me say, Iām so very sorry that your happily ever was limited. Iām sorry that love wasnāt enough to get through those difficult times. Iām sorry that a divorce was the only option left on the table and Iām sorry that youāve enduredĀ so much pain as a result of that decision. Whether it was your choice or not, no one goes into a marriage thinking a judge will eventually be signing off on alimony, separation of assets, etc.
Please know that every widow and widower understands that youāre hurting and that in a way, you experienced a level of loss.Ā You’re grieving for what you hoped for and what could have been. But please, I beg of you, stop telling usĀ that ourĀ husbandās death is no different than your divorce. No matter how ugly, nasty or messy your divorce was, it’s not āa death without a funeralā. Death has no comparison.
You have a right to your pain and that should absolutely be acknowledged. This is merely a reminder that weĀ get that a divorce sucks. You just donāt have to compare our journeys to be understood.
Here are 10 reasons your divorce is nothing like being widowed:
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1. If you think long and hard, the signs were there. They may not have been painted in glow in the dark paint but they were there. Something(s) led you and your then-husband down the path of discussing a divorce. For many widows, death didnāt make an announcement ā not a loud one or a whisper. It just showed up and wreaked havoc, killing our husband instantly. One minute he was here and the next he wasnāt.
2. A divorce is a choice. It may have been made by both parties or unfortunately it may have been made by one half of the couple who decided he or sheĀ wanted out. Regardless, it was a choice. Widows and widowers didnāt get a say in their spouseās death. We would never have chosen to have them leave us so soon.
3. The children still get to see your ex. I know you wish he/she would spend more time with the children. Iām sure youāre right. Widows and widowers donāt even get to wish. Itās just not an option. There are no weekend visits to heaven. There are no father/daughter dances, no walk down the aisle. The only way our children see their father/mother is via fading photographs and grainy home videos.
4. Thereās hope. You see it all the time. A couple who divorced only to remain friends and eventually rekindle their romance. They get remarried and live happily ever after. We donāt get that option. We donāt get a do-over. Death is final. We donāt get to hope the family unit is put back together. We donāt even get to be friends.
5. People āgetā divorce; they donāt āgetā death. Although divorce rates are at a 40-year low, people seem to understand divorce and all the emotions that come with it. Despite death being an inevitable part of life, it seems to throwĀ people for a loop when one loses a spouse. Especially when that spouse is considered āyoungā. They arenāt sure what to say and so often comments end up being more harmful that helpful.
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6. Itās practically expected that youāll date/find love again. Would you believe that some dating sites donāt even give you anĀ option of listing āwidowedā as your marital status. Though with scammers looking to prey on widows, that isnāt necessarily a bad thing. People expect divorcĆ©es to date. When a young person loses their spouse, itās as if society feels their emotions and sexuality should be tossed into the casket as well. Weāre dating too soon. Weāre trying to replace a spouse. We shouldnāt have a new person around our kids. The judgment is unending. Itās almost like weāre supposed to stay hidden and lock away our hearts for the rest of eternity.
7. No one chooses death over drama. The in-laws were sucked in. There were major blow ups about who kept the house. Your mutual friends were forced to choose sides. We understand that it was difficult. What we donāt understand is how you think itās the same as standing over a lifeless body saying your final goodbyes. We would happily trade you your drama for another day with our spouses.
8. Death scares prospective partners away. Have you ever tried telling a prospective date that youāre widowed as a result of a suicide? You might as well be wearing a scarlet letter, waving a big red flag. Some men assume that we led our partners to suicide. They wonder if we nagged them to death. They assume we are crazy. They think that by dating us, theyāll suffer the same fate. When was the last time you were told you were un-dateable because of your divorce?
9. Thereās a clean break. For the most part, when youāre divorced, especially if there are no children involved, everyone goes to their respective sides of the ring to rebuild/heal. The nightmare of widowhood doesnāt simply end with a memorial service, funeral or cremation. Thereās often emotional guilt in moving forward. There can be pain in our wanting to be happy again. The range of emotions can be paralyzing.
10. You donāt have to preserve memories. Assuming your divorce was from a decent human being who simply realized that you were better off apart than together, your children have opportunities to create brand new memories with their parent. As young widows/widowers, our children are often quite young. There are no future trips to Disney World or other magical places. We can only work to preserve the memories they do have and hope they donāt fade with each passing year.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs anĀ online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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Excellent!
Wonderful, and so very true. I have been divorced and widowed and there is absolutely no comparison in the two. None whatsoever!
I appreciate the feedback, Arlene. Thanks
Iām a divorcee who grieved the loss of my marriage and my future, I really donāt think anyone really does understand or āgetā the emotions involved or the full consequences of going through a divorce especially when there are children involved!! I am now also having to go through the grief of the actual death of my ex husband, the father of my three young children !! Grieving as an ex is not āsocially recognised ā who gives anyone any right to tell others how they should grieve for any relationship! Have a look at disenfranchised grief you may be surprised to learn something about divorce and grief following the death of an ex spouse.
I agree with you. No one has a clue about the grief of abuse, unless they have experienced it themselves. The idea of comparing widowhood to being divorced is offensive and hurtful. They are 2 completely different things. However it isn’t wrong for a divorcee to voice an opinion that she would prefer to be a widow. Some abuse is that destructive!
Get over yourself. There are lots of widows that had shitty marriages. Donāt act like just because your husband died that your marriage was perfect before. Divorce is a death without a funeral. People die everyday. You arenāt special. If you are this insufferable your husband is probably glad to be gone.
Real classy of you, Amy. How big of you to say such a vile comment to a widowed person. Sounds like you are the one who needs to get over herself, and please get some compassion while youāre at it.
Divorced and widowed… in my life and
Having experienced both
Grief is real with both-
After my divorce I found my husband of 40 years. After his death I m afraid to love again. The pain is so deep after a death of one you lost.
There lies the difference for me.
Thanks, Beverly
I’ve had a few divorced women tell me the same thing, even the leaders of a griefshare group! I was getting some help through that group, but when they said that, I knew that they didn’t have a clue as to what I was going through. I never went back after that.
Right. I’d rather someone just offer a hug or hold my hand than tell me how “it’s the same”.
The pain that comes through in your writing is immense and I’m sure that it comes with good reason. But as much as people in your life have clearly made assumptions about you and your experience of losing a spouse, so you have made many assumptions about the experience of losing a marriage through divorce.
I agree that I can’t compare my divorce experience with your experience of your spouse’s death. There is no comparison, as much as there really can be no comparison in any grief experience. How can you judge my experience as different, if not even easier, than your own unless you too have been through my divorce? Yes, my divorce.
I get that you may feel hurt by the expectations others seem to have on you after the death of your spouse and I am genuinely sorry for that. It’s not fair, and is more than you need as you attempt to move on in your life. But when we try to compare, when we assume to know what another experiences, when we judge one experience over another, I believe that it all ends in hurt. I am sad for the hurt you experience and hope that writing this article brought you some form of peace but please, let’s not assume that we know what it is to walk in another person’s shoes. We don’t know, we will never know and unless we can all (divorcees and widow/ers alike) acknowledge that, I don’t believe we can genuinely care for each other.
My experience was quite different from yours. I don’t even need to know anything of yours to know that. But I acknowledge that your pain is real, just as mine is too. Isn’t that what is important?
Thanks for your feedback, Cate. I absolutely understand that being divorced can be a painful and there is grieving involved. I only wanted to point out that there isn’t a need to tell widows that A) we should be happy our spouses died and we didn’t end of divorced or B) that it’s the same as a divorce.
Both have their own nuances and pain but it’s not the same. Perhaps an alternative could be for the person to offer a hug vs. telling a widow that “at least her husband is dead” or that “it’s all the same thing”.
Absolutely totally agree with you on this comment !!! I have gone through a horrendous time with a divorce, was married for 18years 3 kids together and then suddenly and very unexpectedly my ex husband passed away less than 3 years after we divorced Absolutely heartbroken ! No one should try and make out anyoneās grief is worse than an others or lessen someone elseās experience. Have respect for everyoneās individual experiences and try not to judge others unless u have actually walked in their shoes
This! So so so many hurtful assumptions that were made that are reflective of peopleās complete and total lack of understanding about the depths of divorce grief. Death is hard. Hard hard hard! But I and many other people getting a divorce walk into that courtroom alone- they walk out alone. No after divorce court dinner surrounded by friends, being held and hugged, no dinner train. People donāt call. Even people you legit thought would be there- they just donāt show up. You are a different kind of alone. The stigma is HUGE. People donāt invite you to couples things- your divorced, it would probably be awkward for you. People say – well you chose it, you say that flippantly because you donāt know what my alternative choice was. It was like I had to go in an fill the IV with the decision to euthanize my hopes and dreams, I still loved my husband dearly, I had to let him go. I had to euthanize the family I wanted my kids to always have- you know the one where mom and dad both out the toys under the Christmas tree. We both grieve that! But I had to make the decision that living in that grief was the better decision. MY decision to keep my family healthy but apart created those tears! Putting myself first and the hope and prayer it would be the right thing for my kids caused my childrenās pain. I am sorry for your loss and i am not about to compare and minimize it, but if we sat in a room together and we shared the details of all that we have lost and yet to grieve, our pain would have more empathy with each other than your article reflected.
Amen!
Hi,
I was divorced with two very young children. Through out my life I have heard these sentiments. To where I have grown to think it is akin to asking what hurts more breaking your right leg vs your left. Each situation is so completely individual. Some lose spouses they never longer love and are trapped with that secret. All humans also know we do not get out of this world alive. But we may not see the betrayal of a spouse we love. There are thousands of different scenarios! Why is a widow spending so much effort on justifying the ultimate depth of her pain compared to others that are merely trying to connect? Sometimes in life nobody can replicate our exact experience and then empathize perfectly. We just need to practice love and acceptance especially when we do not understand without competing for who has it the worst.
Thanks for commenting, Leslie. The blog wasn’t written to those trying to “connect.” The focus is on those who think we should be grateful we aren’t divorced or that their divorce is “worse.” I don’t go around comparing my loss to anyone else’s so it’s very insulting for my loss to minimized.
Amen. I agree with what you just said. I am a widow since December 1. If anyone made those kind of remarks with me ( no one has) I would cut them off immediately and never speak to them ever again.
This is right on point!
Thanks so much!
Great Job and so on point!!!
Thank you, Maureen
Thank you for sharing and this is exactly how I feel. I have been in a relationship with a man and his past was a ugly divorce with parental alienation. He has no concept to widowhood and many times I feel he has no respect to where I’m at in my grieving. He once referred to my husband as my x-husband. I very loudly reminded him I never gave up on the hardest job you will ever have and that is marriage and commitment. Marriage is not always roses and it takes work. I never gave up on my husband. God had a different plan for us. Not sure how this new relationship will turn out. The day I no longer was able to have my husband doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other.
That ex thing grates my nerves too!
Ex is totally inappropriate
This is so true, yes getting a divorce can cause grief and be hard. But is deffenantly not the same. We can’t talk to them anymore, our children won’t know there father, only through photos and telling stories about him. Thanks for sharing, it shows alot off emotions. I miss my Jim so much it hurts and I don’t think I will ever get over him. God bless ya’ll
Hugs, Melissa. It’s tough and I don’t think we ever get over our spouses. We just learn to move forward š
Thank you so much for this. I have a coworker who got divorced recently and is constantly comparing our situations as the same. That she knows how I feel.
I lost my husband almost 7 months ago. He was 31. Her divorce was final around the same time. She said to me “well divorce is hard too.” And I told her of course it is, but to me it is apples and oranges.
Just the other day she had me crying by being so persistent that our situations were the same, that divorce is like a death. I told her, through tears, I can never check up on my husband, there is no facebook creeping,yours left but mine got taken and he not only got taken from me but from everyone his life touched. It is not the same.
I’m hoping it stops now. If not, I might have to not so subtly share your article on my Facebook. Again, thank you so much for what you wrote.
People think we’re being dismissive of the pain of divorce; we’re not. We get it’s difficult and there is sadness involved. We just want death to stop being compared to their divorce. It’s not the same!
One thing that seems obvious to me, as a 60-year-old widow, the thought of dating, finding a new partner, or being part of a couple again nearly seems impossible. And when my divorced friends tell me I should “get back out there” and start dating, I almost feel like a defective when I say I just can’t imagine it. And to date, it’s been 2.5 years since my partner’s passing.
Yes, itās tough having to get out there and āstart overā. Sometimes itās worth the risks and other times, not so much.
I guess I feel the need to say my thoughts as anyone comparing death to divorce makes me shutter. I have been widowed over seven years and not once have I met someone in my exact situation. I was only 30 and had two sons to raise on my own. To make matters worse, he took his own life at only 33. A death is awful, however, a death by suicide is so much different. To compare a divorce to my life ruffles to me to the core. Do not try to jump off into something you couldn’t possibly understand. Thank you for the read.
It comes with its own pain for sure but like you, comparisons ruffle my feathers too.
Thanks for sharing. My husband also passed away by suicide at the age of 28. My heart goes out to you. I pray you find peace and healing. I totally acknowledge the pain of divorce, or a break-up, but the magnitude of death is a completely different realm to navigate. I am only 28, and I canāt stand it when people try to say we have the same experience, since they are a young divorcĆ©e in there 20ās. I donāt want to down play anyoneās experience, but by saying that mine is like yours is doing exactly that. We each have completely different paradigms on what is significant trauma in our lives. I strongly agree that grief is just apart of being on this earth, and letās just be there for one another, and not try to compare the level of turmoil or grief. The only one who will know about that experience, is that person, and itās best to honor each individualās pain and grief. Itās very hurtful to discredit a personās experience by trying to say your lives journey is the same as mine. I will say this though, divorce or having someone leave you whom is still alive is still able to forge a new life ahead. With death, that person is gone, they are no longer apart of the family unit or the system of life in general. My husband will never be able to hug his family again, contribute to this world on any level. He is gone, end of story. But my ex boyfriend, is still able to hug his family, and contribute to this life. To see the pain inflicted by death is a very surreal experience, especially with the added element with no real level of closure. The person is physically gone, there are no actions to finalize the decision to be gone. We didnāt get to have a conversation or actions to solidify the decision. The only thing solidified is the fact that I must accept that I will never really have any defining actions to know itās over, such as a court date, a letter, hell; even a verbal heated argument. So divorcees, lets just try to understand each others pain, instead of trying to say they are the same, because unless you have watched someone die, I donāt think you can fully wrap your mind around the realities and catastrophic affects of death, just like I canāt understand the effects of divorce, we have different experiences, which is completely fine. So instead of ripping each other apart trying to say whose been through more hell, letās just give each other the space to heal. š
Itās death…the person you, your kids, both of your families loved is dead and gone from this earth forever. People really struggle to understand that reality. I would rather my husband be living blissfully with some other woman, alive and able to show and feel love with his kids, than him be a pile of ashes on my mantle. I have a hard time seeing past the self centric viewpoint when comparing the personal pain of a split to someoneās death, their loss of life as they knew it. I can grasp the pain of rejection, of loss from a future you desired….but in the other group they are dead and now thereās a hole for the loved ones and a missing future for him. Itās done, 100% on this earth. Heās done. Not even breathing. In our case he looked like a zombie at death. It was not peaceful. Instead of his beautiful smile I have his twisted death mask burned into my memories and the kids remember him mangled in a hospital bed, confused and hurt because they canāt have another word of encouragement or hug from him again. We need that more than ever since this happened to him and itās the one thing permanently denied to us. A totally different level of grief from a divorce.
So well said!
Great article. I’ve been through both and I have to say they are different. But another reason it’s different is there are more people around you getting divorced. So it is easier to find people to relate to than when you become a widow with children, which makes it all the more lonely.
So very true!
I disagree whole heartily. I have suffered a terrible painful divorce. I have no one around me that can relate. Friends are not around and donāt want to deal with the black cloud or negative damper or brings on their life. I did NOT chose to have my marriage and my future dreams and my children to go through the heart ripping hell of a divorce. I get very frustrated when people say it was a choice. My choice was to be married and not have a broken home filled with sadness and guilt and worry. I think everyone should have their pain and not compare. Some divorces are easy. But some are life changing, dark and feel impossible to recover from. Yes kids can see their dad itās an option- but they will never have both parents together- my heart breaks every time they have to leave me because if this divorce. The kids are filled with more horrible memories than good. They see their mother in constant pain and suffering. No one accepts divorce as delicate as a death. There are tons of being left out being divorced. I lost love too and it was out of my control and the pain is deep and constant. So please- perhaps instead of comparing- maybe we should realize that death and divorce are both traumatic and both life changing and both deserve the respect of how painful they are and you donāt know how it feels unless you walked in there shoes.
I believe the article has asked those who have been divorced to stop comparing it to widowhood. I also mentioned in the piece that divorce comes with its own set of challenges/losses. Thanks for taking the time comment and sorry your divorce has been so overwhelmingly painful
Agreed, added to #7 the loss of friends for the widow
Very true
I totally agree,especially when it comes to dating again, The guilt, will my husband still be waiting for me in heaven, The feeling of holding hands with someone else, because you and your husband held hands for hours watching t,v, Everything because really all you want is to be still doing all these thing with the person your soul belongs to, to see your husband dead,and never coming back, to never see his face again, to never hear his voice,,no hope, I”m sorry, there are no comparison to death over divorce..
Exactly, JoAnn!
Divorce and death are both very painful but they should never be compared.I have been widowed twice and will never get to see neither one of them.I have told by divorced womegetn that their pain is worse;that just over it.Sorry it does not work that.If you kids at least they have a dad or mom
to see them;but when they die mommy or daddy are not there.Widows don’t always have family support. So you can be on your own being avoided like a plague.
My comment will be biased, in it that I am a widow who has not been through the experience of a divorce but I don’t see many widows mentioning to divorced friends that they understand their pain or that their experiences amount to the same thing. Personally, I believe that marital separation due to death or divorce are different experiences, even if they may lead to some similar results in individual cases. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, it is its own verdant hue.
Thank you! Right on point. Specially when a 5 year marriage divorcee is telling me a widower after 19.5 years of marriage to “move on”. Even though both marriages ended they did not end the same way.
You probably wonāt read this comment, since the article was written 6 years ago. But, I just wanted to thank you for it. I have several friends who are divorced and all compare my situation to theirs, the difference is in the bitterness they all display towards their ex, glad I donāt have that. For me the biggest difference is the fact that my kids will never see their father again, and he was a great dad (and husband), for me thatās a source of great pain, seeing them keep it together, for me, but missing him so dreadfully. The two cannot be compared, the pain is different.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I truly hate the comparisons. I think we can acknowledge each othersā pain without comparisons.
As someone going through a divorce – this was very insulting. Not every divorce is a choice – it’s a must, especially when there is abuse. Healing from a divorce vs. healing from a death have their own unique challenges and hardships. That is like comparing apples and oranges.
Sorry you’re going through a divorce. The article mentions it is a choice by one or both parties and addresses your sentiment: there shouldn’t be a comparison yet many divorce friends feel the need to compare.