IĀ get it. When you stood in front of the altar and made your vows, you expected happily ever after. But things changed. You both grew apart. There might have been an affair. Perhaps the continuous arguments about how to raise the children widened the growing wedge between the two of you.

Regardless of the reason, the end result was the same. You ended up as a divorcĆ©e. Let me say, Iā€™m so very sorry that your happily ever was limited. Iā€™m sorry that love wasnā€™t enough to get through those difficult times. Iā€™m sorry that a divorce was the only option left on the table and Iā€™m sorry that youā€™ve enduredĀ so much pain as a result of that decision. Whether it was your choice or not, no one goes into a marriage thinking a judge will eventually be signing off on alimony, separation of assets, etc.

Please know that every widow and widower understands that youā€™re hurting and that in a way, you experienced a level of loss.Ā You’re grieving for what you hoped for and what could have been. But please, I beg of you, stop telling usĀ that ourĀ husbandā€™s death is no different than your divorce. No matter how ugly, nasty or messy your divorce was, it’s not ā€œa death without a funeralā€. Death has no comparison.

You have a right to your pain and that should absolutely be acknowledged. This is merely a reminder that weĀ get that a divorce sucks. You just donā€™t have to compare our journeys to be understood.

Here are 10 reasons your divorce is nothing like being widowed:

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1. If you think long and hard, the signs were there. They may not have been painted in glow in the dark paint but they were there. Something(s) led you and your then-husband down the path of discussing a divorce. For many widows, death didnā€™t make an announcement ā€“ not a loud one or a whisper. It just showed up and wreaked havoc, killing our husband instantly. One minute he was here and the next he wasnā€™t.

2. A divorce is a choice. It may have been made by both parties or unfortunately it may have been made by one half of the couple who decided he or sheĀ wanted out. Regardless, it was a choice. Widows and widowers didnā€™t get a say in their spouseā€™s death. We would never have chosen to have them leave us so soon.

3. The children still get to see your ex. I know you wish he/she would spend more time with the children. Iā€™m sure youā€™re right. Widows and widowers donā€™t even get to wish. Itā€™s just not an option. There are no weekend visits to heaven. There are no father/daughter dances, no walk down the aisle. The only way our children see their father/mother is via fading photographs and grainy home videos.

4. Thereā€™s hope. You see it all the time. A couple who divorced only to remain friends and eventually rekindle their romance. They get remarried and live happily ever after. We donā€™t get that option. We donā€™t get a do-over. Death is final. We donā€™t get to hope the family unit is put back together. We donā€™t even get to be friends.

5. People ā€œgetā€ divorce; they donā€™t ā€œgetā€ death. Although divorce rates are at a 40-year low, people seem to understand divorce and all the emotions that come with it. Despite death being an inevitable part of life, it seems to throwĀ people for a loop when one loses a spouse. Especially when that spouse is considered ā€œyoungā€. They arenā€™t sure what to say and so often comments end up being more harmful that helpful.

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Writing & Widowing: Journaling the Journey
(A series of prompts designed for widows & widowers)

6. Itā€™s practically expected that youā€™ll date/find love again. Would you believe that some dating sites donā€™t even give you anĀ option of listing ā€œwidowedā€ as your marital status. Though with scammers looking to prey on widows, that isnā€™t necessarily a bad thing. People expect divorcĆ©es to date. When a young person loses their spouse, itā€™s as if society feels their emotions and sexuality should be tossed into the casket as well. Weā€™re dating too soon. Weā€™re trying to replace a spouse. We shouldnā€™t have a new person around our kids. The judgment is unending. Itā€™s almost like weā€™re supposed to stay hidden and lock away our hearts for the rest of eternity.

7. No one chooses death over drama. The in-laws were sucked in. There were major blow ups about who kept the house. Your mutual friends were forced to choose sides. We understand that it was difficult. What we donā€™t understand is how you think itā€™s the same as standing over a lifeless body saying your final goodbyes. We would happily trade you your drama for another day with our spouses.

8. Death scares prospective partners away. Have you ever tried telling a prospective date that youā€™re widowed as a result of a suicide? You might as well be wearing a scarlet letter, waving a big red flag. Some men assume that we led our partners to suicide. They wonder if we nagged them to death. They assume we are crazy. They think that by dating us, theyā€™ll suffer the same fate. When was the last time you were told you were un-dateable because of your divorce?

9. Thereā€™s a clean break. For the most part, when youā€™re divorced, especially if there are no children involved, everyone goes to their respective sides of the ring to rebuild/heal. The nightmare of widowhood doesnā€™t simply end with a memorial service, funeral or cremation. Thereā€™s often emotional guilt in moving forward. There can be pain in our wanting to be happy again. The range of emotions can be paralyzing.

10. You donā€™t have to preserve memories. Assuming your divorce was from a decent human being who simply realized that you were better off apart than together, your children have opportunities to create brand new memories with their parent. As young widows/widowers, our children are often quite young. There are no future trips to Disney World or other magical places. We can only work to preserve the memories they do have and hope they donā€™t fade with each passing year.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs anĀ online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.

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