I see you gasp, waiting for your brain to make sense of the words that just poured out my mouth.
Yes, you heard correctly.
I am widowed.
I know, I know…”but you’re so young”.
Though I’m much younger than the average age of a widow, assuming that widowhood is reserved for people in their golden years couldn’t be further from the truth.
I accept your condolences for my loss and I’m grateful that you didn’t ask how my spouse died. Thank you for not forcing me to dredge up the most painful part of my life.
I prepare to end the conversation but for some reason you feel compelled to give me your take on death and the meaning of life. No doubt, it’ll be included among the things I wish people would stop saying about his death:
Everything Happens For Reason
Tell me again how my husband’s death was for a reason. Explain to me why he was in so much pain that he needed morphine. Get me to understand why he downplayed how ill he was feeling because he knew I was more than 2,000 miles away and worried sick about this “flu” that seemed relentless.
What reason could there possibly be for my spouse to be taken from me four days before I was to join him in South America to celebrate our anniversary? Help me comprehend why his children from a previous marriage got robbed of having him in their lives.
That’s what I thought. Shit happens. Everything does NOT happen for a reason.
You Needed to Grow
Grow? At 5’3 I certainly wasn’t in need of a growth spurt. I didn’t need a death to help me grow physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. You know what happened to me physically? I stopped eating and was threatened with hospitalization. My appearance shocked my mother-in-law into setting her grief to the side to see about my pain. Mentally, I was broken. Spiritually, I felt disconnected from God. Emotionally, I was a wreck.
In fairness, I did turn to my faith to help me walk through the dark days following the death of my husband. But, was that truly the only way for me to grow? How come others have reached the peak of their lives – physically, mentally, spiritually and/or emotionally – and they never had to do so at the expense of their life partner.
How is that fair? Why do widows and widowers have to pay such a heavy price in order to “grow”?
God Is Jealous And He Needed Your Attention
Jonah got swallowed – and released – by a whale but I get a dead husband? I think this is the absolute worst justification for his death that I’ve ever heard.
So, let me understand this…
God was okay with fornication and so He allowed my exes to survive but He somehow drew the line at my finally getting married and making a vow before Him in the presence of all the people we held near and dear?
Get the heck out of here!
God is love. I refuse to believe that the Almighty became jealous because I loved my husband too much. How does one even love their spouse “too much”? And, should I assume that spouses married for 60, 70 years hate each other so God is un-bothered? What about couples who are agnostic? What about atheists? Or is God only jealous of Christians?
ADVERTISING
It Happened So You Can Help Others
I’ve met a wonderful group of widows/widowers over the past five years. I love how kind, genuine, supportive and selfless they are despite having gone through such a tragic event. My widowed support group is near and dear to my heart but…
NONE OF THIS JUSTIFIES HIS DEATH!
What sense does it make that he HAD to die in order for me to be of help to others. I could have volunteered with the Salvation Army or built houses with Habitat for Humanity. There were countless other causes that could have benefited from my services.
How come you’re doing meaningful, charitable work yet you go home to your spouse every night?
Please know I chose to support the widowed community as a result of his death. He didn’t have to die for me to give of my time and talents.
You Were Strong Enough to Live the Widowed Life
I can seriously think of at least a million other lives that I was strong enough to live…billionaire, happily married wife, woman who cures cancer, organizer of world peace, and on and on.
I was never strong enough to live a widowed life. I merely went into survival mode in order to not completely fall apart from the immense pain of being widowed a mere six days after my anniversary. No one comes in “widowed strength”. None of us thought we could have handled such a devastating loss before it happened to us. We were the people who told our spouses that we can’t live without them…that we can’t imagine how we’d go on if something were to happen. But here we are. We’ve gotten though the darkest part of the night. Some of us walked out while others were carried out on the back of a fellow widow.
We were never strong enough to lose a spouse. We simply adapted because we had to. For our children. For our own sanity and survival.
I know how hard death is. I know you’re at a loss as to how to empathize and/or acknowledge our pain. Please, however, don’t try to validate our spouse’s death. His or her loss of life is never about what we did or have yet to do. We have chosen to shine light where there was darkness. We are overcomers in spite of, not because of. Our spouses didn’t have to die for us to be better, to be greater. We simply tapped into that which was already within us in order to survive.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
ADVERTISEMENTS
God never gives you more than you can handle. Yes, you have proven yourself to countless others that you are strong, that you can rise above, and succeed before many, but would you have gone the route you are now taking if your loved one had not passed? Would you be as effective to others, or as understanding to others, as you are now. I somehow doubt it. You probably would not be as empathetic towards others as they struggle w/their own ‘demons’. God had or has a specific plan already laid out for each of us.
Believe me, I argued with God. Why me? I always asked of him. What am I to learn from my own tragic ‘accident’ that left me as a quadriplegic? Without having gone through and still deal with daily, I too would not be an empathetic person. Nor would I volunteer to teach a scrapbooking project to other handicap children, and adults for Free every year. I make cards and little books also that I send to others, all over the world. And it brings a smile to the lips of others that I can rise above what has been dealt to me/for me, grow from it, and share it w/others. Had I not experienced what I have, I might as well be talking to a wall, blowing smoke. I wouldn’t be as effective as I am, doing the exact same things as I am doing now. Afterall, who would believe me?
I’m thinking the “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle!” line has got to be one of the most annoying lines on Earth! So God doesn’t think I can handle being a billionaire and living the good life, but God thinks I can totally handle my loved ones being ripped from my life? Sorry but that one’s got to go!
I agree Vera. “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” should be one of those five things you should never say to someone who just lost their spouse. That’s a cruel and unworthy god who would have “a plan” that includes taking a mother or father away from their children, a beloved spouse away too young. What a horrific thing to say.
I agree with you, Vera! That is one of the most annoying phrases ever! I could never put my finger on why it bugged me so much until I saw a plaque that read “God doesn’t give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given.” It finally made sense why I was bothered when people said I could “handle it” or God wouldn’t have given it to me. I don’t believe God is the “giver” of trials. We live in an imperfect world where terrible things happen. They don’t happen because God made them happen, God allows things to happen because we live in a fallen world, and his grace is there to assist us through whatever crap life throws at us, not to be the crap-slinger himself.
Yup, that one should be #6 on this list. God doesn’t give us struggles. God walks with us through struggles. And we certainly will be faced with situations we can not handle, without Him.
Amen!
I agree with you so much because I have lost my husband to cancer, than my daughter quit college and hasn’t talked to me in over a year and my other daughter agrees with everything she says and does. My oldest daughter is going thru a lot, my sister basically took sides with both my daughters. So the saying God does not put more on you than you can Stand is more than I can stand all I do is cry, between bills, no family that I feel thT cares, I don’t know how to care for my home, and my health. If the saying is true than please God you forgot to stop because I’m pass my handling spot.
Holy crap. On an article that gives all the reasons *NOT* to find a silver lining about the loss of a spouse…and you are giving her reasons to find the fricken silver lining regarding her loss.
Your hubris HURTS. Please stop and listen to your selfish statements. You are only saying all of that to make yourself feel better and it has nothing to do with the writer.
Jessie, this is the point of my article. Why should I believe that I would not be empathetic of charitable had I not lost a spouse? How come I didn’t read about a hungry child and then opt to become a voice of the poor. I chose to make lemonade out of lemons but did I really “need” the lemons? No. I didn’t need for my husband to die to do or be better.
Someone told me this shortly after my husband died by suicide. My response: “God gave him more than he could handle. If God had not, he would still be alive.”
God will take anything and make good out of it, God doesn’t create bad things for us. He loves us like his children. Would you murder your child’s spouse to help them become a “better” person?
I was thinking the same thing, Vera.
Only a few days, a very close friend who became a widow at the beginning of this month, asked me, “If cancer kills so many people, why don’t doctors look for it sooner??” I knew where her mind was going with that question. She knew she when her husband’s kidney cancer had been diagnosed, every treatment, every medication, every direction had been followed to the letter. She’s trying to figure it out. Trying to make sense of how this could happen on her watch. We humans are full of ourselves and fools too. We want to think we are the ones that will escape the inevitable. We are so convinced that living well, genetics and stubbornness will keep us and our loved ones with us forever. So, when we tell someone we are a widow, we learn to expect, “Was he sick, a soldier, ?????” And then, the comments already mentioned about “needing another angel”. No that’s another species, we’re human, we don’t change species when we die. Or, so many of the other phrases that we’ve all heard when other people suffer the death of a loved one. My guess is many of the comments are said in a desperate need to find something safe to say. Death is part of life. Death happens often without logic and very often, without notice. If we respected death, the pain wouldn’t be less but I have to believe, we’d hear far less empty platitudes.
Yes, I think many of us would prefer a hug or rub on the back. There is definitely a need to make sense of a death so I understand why these phrases often come up.
I have applied to join the group. I am in the U.K. So don’t know if that is allowed. Jason died 22/9/2014 of a brain haemorrhage leaving me with our 2 boys. I am a member of WAY – widowed & young in the U.K. And now dating again
I believe you’ve been added, Trudy. Hope you find the group helpful.
God bless all of you and no words can make ur pain less painful time may ease some days but true love never goes away I hope all of you have great memories also to out weight loss they loved you also and as for god I always say he must think I’m one tuff son a gun cause he puts alot on us .god bless and love you sherry Bowman
Thanks, Vickie.
My husband died in a road accident on 1 June 2014, and I was left with our 3 sons, then aged 7, 6 and 9 months old respectively. I must admit, I am to this day, dumb-struck, by people who feel the need to explain to me why Shane had to die. I am shocked at how anyone can try and make me feel as if me loving him so much, is one of the reasons why he was taken from us. I have heard it all: We serve a jealous God, and He wanted my attention. This happened to make me strong. God has chosen me, because He knew I was strong enough to deal with it. How absurd, I want to scream!! This coming from people who claim to be Christians. In South Africa, we have so many single moms raising their kids all by themselves, not because their partners died, but because the fathers choose not to be involved. And God chooses my husband, who was so present in our lives, to die? A man, who gave his all to his kids and to our marriage. 3 Boys are missing out. One of them will never know what it is like to have his father present in his life, and has grown so attached to my dad, whom he sees as a father figure. So, how is there a reason for everything? How is this supposed to make me strong, when I consider myself to have been strong before this tragedy? The “wise mouths” are not there when my now 3-year old, asks me when his dad (like his friends’ dads do) is going to come down from heaven and fetch him at daycare.
Exactly! Those comments don’t help at all 🙁
Oh Desiree, I am so sorry! May I just tell you that I lost my husband 28 years ago and had my 7 year old, 5 year old, and 13-month old sons to raise by myself. I had to live for them and let them know that God really loved us through it all. However, the “well intended” comments of so many people just created bitterness in me. I started sharing a message for those insensitive people that basically says stop thinking you know the answers if you’ve never been asked the questions. I mean that in a kind way (most of the time) – and over the years I’ve grown a bit in grace. People, all of us, say dumb things sometimes. I will keep you in my prayers as you mother your children and learn to live this different life.
I was widowed at the age of 36 and brought up my 4 kids on my own after Tom was killed in an accident at work. Now 16 yrs later they have all left home and I am in a relationship and happy.. I still get pain and I still miss Tom.. not because I don’t love my partner but because I never stopped loving Tom and it still hurts and it always will.. many people think I must be OVER it.. and better now.. I was never ill and grief never goes away you just learn to live with a shattered heart.. my heart goes out to those still in those raw early stages as they seem never ending.. but it does ease through time..
Thanks, Jennifer. Agreed, you just learn to live with a shattered heart 🙁