To be fair, had you asked me five years ago what I thought a widow looked like, I certainly wouldn’t have pictured an energetic woman in her prime, raising children and juggling a career.
From John Q Public to family, friends, in-laws and church members, there seems to be no shortage of what people think of widowhood:
Aren’t Widows My Grandmother’s Age?
Yes, women do tend to live longer than men. But, the reality is that the average age of a widow in the United States is just 55 years old!
“Many of us are young, strong, independent, and rebuilding.” – Daphne
My Widowed Friend Will Go After My Husband
Do we really need to dispel this myth? We don’t want YOUR husband; we want our husbands back. There is no need to worry we’ll lay claim to your man. We don’t want him – not now, not ever.
“Apparently, if you are a young widow you somehow lose your standards and just want any and every man especially other people’s husbands. I’m widowed not desperate. I didn’t somehow lose my morals when my husband died and decided any man will do especially – the married ones.” – Julie
Losing a spouse isn’t something you get “over”. A piece of our heart will forever be missing. Please understand that moving through the pain and ultimately deciding to open our heart to love again is in no way an indicator that we’ve gotten over the death of our husbands. How can we? Additionally, we want you to know that there is no “appropriate” time to wait before dating. There is no rule on grieving. Whether 6 months or 6 years, it’s our call and ours alone.
“I will never forget my husband or stop loving him. Nothing and no one takes that away…ever” – Rose
She Got a Huge Insurance Payout
Despite what you may think, not every widow is sitting on a large nest egg. Often, our spouses were the breadwinners and we’re now left to raise our children and run the household on one salary – and that’s if we worked. And, let me point out, if there was a policy in place, even a significant one, unless a spouse left you as a beneficiary on the policy or included you in the will, you have no right to feel entitled to a dime! I don’t care if he was your son or brother. We’d give it all back in a heartbeat to have our husbands back.
“[People assume that] because you are a professional and have a good job then you have sufficient life insurance. That’s just not true.” – Jennifer
Widows Have Lots of Support
From parents and sibling to in-laws and friends, you’d think widows were surrounded by a whole host of people willing to stand in the gap until we’re able to make sense of the world again. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. People return to their own lives and we’re often left alone to face our own terrible reality – our partner, soulmate is gone. (You can read more about widowhood and solitude here).
“Don’t assume I have all the help I need and if you have any inclination to help, act on that!” – Susan
But You Made It Through Year 1 – You’re “Okay” Now
Widows often naively look forward to the One Year mark. We think if we can just get to the first anniversary then we’ll get to the other side of grief. It’s what we’ve been told. The truth is, Year Two is a beast! The numbness wears off. Our minds slowly begin to realize that our lives are now split in two – before and after. We’re not “okay”; not by a long shot!
“I found myself crying more. I didn’t understand where these emotions were coming from. Year two was definitely my hardest year. I ended up going to therapy to help cope with the pain. – Rhonda
We No Longer Have Anything in Common with Friends
We’re going through a lot. We’ll be the first to admit it. There are times we want to be left alone with our grief. However, we also value your friendship. There is no reason for it to end simply because we’ve lost a spouse. The same bonds that connected us initially are still there. Yes, there are issues that you won’t understand about our widowed journey but there are lots of things we do want to talk with you about. Hold our hands. We won’t shut you out.
“Don’t think we don’t need your friendship because we really do. Please continue to call, text, and/or come by.” – Danyell
You frown at our Facebook statuses when we mention our spouses. You roll your eyes when we talk about the challenges of being widowed. You think it’s all for attention. You think we want sympathy. The only thing we want is our husbands back. The irony of the situation is that you’re annoyed by things such as our social media posts. Don’t you think we’re annoyed at not having our husbands next to us every night? Your problem disappears with the tapping of the “unfollow” button. For us, death doesn’t go away. Instead of assuming we’re being melodramatic, try offering a kind word. Perhaps something triggered a strong emotion and we’re venting the only way we know how.
“As a matter of fact, I do want attention and plenty of it. We’ve lost our ‘biggest fan’ and are suddenly without attention. What is wrong with wanting attention?” – Carrie
Shhh! Don’t Say His Name
We love to hear stories about our spouses. Not mentioning his name isn’t sparing us from being sad. It’s just the opposite. When you fail to talk about him, we feel like we’re the only ones who are grieving his loss…like we’re the only ones whose lives he touched. Remind us of his favorite sayings; how he always had a way with words; how he was the class clown in high school. We need to hear those stories and our kids do too. Help us keep his memory alive.
“What I don’t understand is how some think talking about your spouse would make you sad. Many stopped even mentioning his name. I love the stories and the beautiful life we had together. I found that talking about him actually helped.” – Michelle
You’re Lucky That You’re Still Young
Enlighten us please. We fail to see how watching a spouse succumb to cancer or lose his battle with depression is associated with luck. How come we’re not feeling lucky when we’re picking out caskets or deciding what to do with his ashes? There is no ideal age to lose the love of your life. Telling us we’re young enough to find love again isn’t comforting; it’s hurtful. Trying to explain why not having children with our spouse is a blessing in disguise does nothing to lessen our pain. The plain fact of the matter is that being widowed sucks regardless of age!
“I had people not long after the funeral tell me I was young, I’ll find love again..that at least we don’t have kids. Yeah, because not having him or a little piece of him makes it so much better.” – Jeani
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Love this blog. Thank you for letting people know what we really think.
Thanks so much, Karen!
Thank you I really appreciate the help and just reading this. I’m a Widow Twice and it Hurts deaply
And when our husband was a sports fan, telling me that he has “the best seats in the house” at the big game, is annoying and makes me want to punch people in the face. Stop saying stupid crap.
This is such a wonderful website. It is amazing how many things I can relate to, especially your young and will love again. I thought maybe but my husband will forever be in my heart. He did so much for me in 23 years from the time we met till he became ill. It’s scary with some of the men today, the way they act or the things they say. With my husband we just clicked that first month we met and I felt so comfortable.
Thanks, Karen. Glad you can relate and yes the dating world certainly has changed!
Four years are passed and still feels like yesterday.
I’m sorry for your loss. I agree. It’s been almost 5 years for me
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I most certainly agree that year two is the hardest. I was widowed at 29 and the whole first year I had that exact same numbness you described. Now I’m more aware of my husband’s absence and as I watch our children grow it gets more painful and harder to comprehend. Your blog has helped me understand that I am most certainly not alone and that my emotions as a young widow ar perfectly acceptable. 🙂
Thanks, Sherri. You certainly aren’t alone. It IS hard to comprehend why we ended up as widows.
I lost my husband suddenly on Boxing Day 2015 he died in my sons arms
I found out after it was myocardial fibrosis due to previous acute myocarditis he never knew he had this even though it was in his notes he was 58 didn’t smoke drink and was a 5th dan karate instructor
I miss him so much all I do is cry for him I never got chance to say goodbye 😪😪😪💔💔💔
I’m so sorry for your loss, Wendy.
Wendy I too never got a chance to say goodby. Perhaps that is one of the most painful parts of losing him. I woke one morning to a crashing body next to my side of the bed. Heart attack with no prior illness or warning. 10 days in ICU before they conceded he was gone. It’s been 4 1/2 years and still hurts.
Everything you said is so true! People just don’t “get it” unless they’ve had to go through it themselves. Being a widow is hard, no matter what your age, or status.
Exactly, Karen!
So much truth! Thanks for putting this out there!!
Thank you!
Widows of all ages and it is really up to the widows or widowers to decide if they wish to move forward to have a life mate again. I met several very young widows with children; being a single mom under normal circumstances is hard enough; if the young widows wishes to remarried we need to support her and not to judge her. It is really none of our business.
I hope and pray for you who are in this category be courageous, be prayful when seeking another mate. The same God Who brought Eve to Adam shall do the same if you invite a Him to help & provide guidance.
Takes a life time to know a person, going out a few dates we are really seeing the best feet but God sees the whole person.
It really is the widows decision and no one else’s. Thanks for the prayers and kind words
You are right Nita. I lost my husband 5 yrs ago in November. He is the father of my 3 boys who I want to have a male role model in their lives because they are so young. I’ve tried the online dating. I met one man and we dated for a year. After knowing everything I’ve been through, and everything I want,telling me he loves me and that he would never say goodbye to me he did just that, said goodbye to me. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He doesn’t know I know but he is spending his time with a girl 20 years younger than him who doesn’t even live in the same country and by country I mean Canada and Belize. Ironically just around the same time I was coming out of that a friends mom introduced me to someone who is everything this other guy isn’t. He has all kinds of plans of things he wants to do with my boys and me. He brings me flowers and does nice things for me just because. I hope my prayer has finally been answered. My only prayer now is that I don’t get hurt again and that my boys don’t see me get hurt again.
I agree with you – 2nd year was just as hard, if not harder, then the 1st year. Great article! Thank you for putting into such eloquent words what many of us feel now or felt.
Thank you so much!
Thanks so much! Everything was spot on…sad to say!!
Thank you, Rhonda
This is such an awesome blog!!! Every word is true!!
Thanks!
Thank you for sharing. I am a 55 year old widow. I was married 37 years and I am lost and feel I Will never be happy again. I miss him so much My heart aches. Aches so much
Thank you, Brenda. I thought the same until I slowly started realizing I was happy. At first I felt guilt then realized life is made for living!
Kerry as always you are on point!
Thanks, Carmen <3
Thank you! Well said.
Thanks!
So true!
Thank you!
This is a great blog. Your comments are spot on and it’s nice to hear from a fellow widow about these topics.
Thank you so much, Kristin.
All points very accurate, very true! Our elite group is one I wished I did not belong to. We weren’t given a choice.
Thanks. So very true. No choice at all 🙁
This is so true!!!!!
Nicely said Kerry. So much of this hits home for me. I lost my husband on December 10, 2016. I guess I would not be considered a “young widow” I am 53 and will be 54 in March.
Goodness, that was just last month. *Hugs*. Be kind to yourself, especially during this raw stage of grief.
Thank you for that article/ blog I am a widow of 2 yrs and i ask my self these questions to I never know how to think or feel I am always reminding myself ” I am allowing my self to grieve as long as it takes and I dont want to take off my favorite rings ( wedding & engagement)
Thanks, Donna. You don’t have to; I’m almost five years post loss and still wearing mine 🙂
This blog post is amazing! Thank you for putting into words the struggles I have as a young dating widow. I was 33 when my husband passed.
Thanks so much Ann!
So true and it doesn’t matter what age you are we even get them when we are in our 60’s. Death Sucks but as a friend says and I have the t-shirt ‘Widow’s Rock’ and ‘Hope Matters’.
I love that quote!
I love how you put it out there … everything I’ve been feeling for the last 10 months!
Thanks, Suzanne!
Thanks for this. I’m not young or dating but it says a lot about how I feel. I shared it on FB for my friends to read.
<3
It is not easy for any aged woman who loses her spouse, best friend, lover, and everything. I am 64 years old. I met my husband when I was sixteen. We got married and were married for 43 years. I knew no one else; I had never been with anyone else. He passed away in 2018, and I still cry, sometimes uncontrollably, wishing he was here with me. It’s very hard being alone. Yes, we have children, but they have families and their life to live. So, I work part-time and come home to my two dogs. I am always telling my husband that he left me. But I know better, I know that he is now doing well, and he can breathe and walk around in his new body. But he left me. You try to make friends, new friends because I heard someone say that they no longer have anything in common with our old friends. What do you do? Who do you turn to? I try to spend a lot of time with God because sometimes I feel like He is all I have. Thank you all for listening.
Hi Carol. Yes, God was my refuge on my nights I felt so all alone. I’ve also found a great group of widowed friends. It’s nice being with others who truly understand my pain. Soaring Spirits International and Hope for Widows Foundation are great resources.
Its been 5 months since I lost my husband of 22 years to cancer.
It has been the hardest road I’ve been on since I lost my 18 year old son to a drunk driver in 2001. The loneliness is often unbearable. Panic and anxiety attacks have put me in the hospital three times now. I’m on depression pills and anxiety pills to help get through the day, even though I hate taking pills of any sort.
Some people think I am weak for relying on pills to get through the day.
I work a 40 hour work week and manage pretty well keeping busy. Weekends are horrible, scary and lonely. My children dont seem to understand.
I am blessed though that their not to far away. So I make the trip to visit them.
Still feel lost, confused and disoriented in life. Curt was my right hand man, partner, best friend and co-worker. Being a widow hurts!
Thanks for your reply, Rebecca. So sorry for your loss. No one has the right to judge you. Acknowledging you need help and are using medication under the guidance of a medical provider is NOT a sign of weakness. Big hugs to you.