1. They Choose Happiness

You’ve had one of the absolute worst things happen to you. Your soulmate, your husband, the love of your life was taken much too soon. Sadly, we all know that pain. We know what it’s like to cry for what was and what can never be. We cry for the loss of our children’s innocence. They shouldn’t have to know the pain of losing a parent at such a young age. We cry because we didn’t get to be the old couple strolling the aisles of the grocery store, hand in hand. We cry because our ‘til death do us part’ came too quickly. But what now?

Though you absolutely can’t go back and change the circumstances surrounding your husband’s death, you can choose how you plan to move forward. And, please know that moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting. How can you forget that a piece of your heart is missing? Life will continue whether or not you choose to participate. Why not find the beauty in each day – despite having been dealt such a crushing blow. It’s not something that’s done overnight. It takes practice to get back to your happy. Do one thing every day that makes you feel good. Laugh. Get out the house. Hang out with a neighbor or coworker. There is no rule that says being widowed means you’re destined to live a life of depression, sorrow and sadness. You determine how you want to spend the rest of the time you have left here. Choose happiness!

2. They Don’t Focus on “The Death”

Whether our spouses died serving our country or due to an addiction, the sad reality is that they died, making us young widows. We didn’t get a choice or say-so in the matter. One minute they were here and the next minute our entire world has been flipped upside down. It’s hard not to replay the tragedy of their deaths. It’s the moment when the enormity of our vows hit…when we realize that “we” is now “me”..

Instead of the death, focus on the way your husband lived. Remember the lives he touched. How he made you feel; the values he instilled in your children. Count on the beautiful memories you created together to get you through the dark days. The next time “his song” plays on the radio, think of it as his checking in to say hello and be comforted by thoughts of him. We honor our husband’s legacy by remembering how he lived and loved.

3. They Discover/Rediscover a Passion or Hobby

Losing a spouse often causes young widows to question our role in life. Why am I still here? How do I go on? It can be challenging figuring out how to begin this next phase of our lives. We were so consumed with being a wife, mother that we didn’t have much time to focus on ourselves.

Don’t wallow in the what-could-have-beens. Use this time to recharge spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Channel that guilt, sadness into doing something productive. What brings you joy? What makes you happy? Many widows have used their grief to propel them into new careers. They’ve gone back to school. They’ve rediscovered painting, photography, writing or exercise and have used that newfound activity as part of the healing process. What would you be doing if there was nothing holding you back? What are you doing to remove the perceived roadblocks?

4. They Give Back

No one would blame us for being jaded and bitter. In fact, as much heartache as we’ve endured, we deserve the right to have a bit of a pity party. We shouldn’t be scolded for sticking our middle fingers in the air in protest. Life didn’t hand us lemonade, it handed us death. At least you can make lemonade with lemons. What the hell does one do with death?

Well, you start by telling death it doesn’t get to win. It doesn’t get to destroy you. There is healing in telling your story and helping others. The options are unlimited. Write a book and share your story. Start a nonprofit to raise awareness about your spouse’s illness. Volunteer with hospice. Raise money for the hospital that treated your husband. Comfort another widow who is just beginning her widowed journey. Be of service to someone else.

5. They see a semicolon, not a period

Life comes to a screeching halt when you lose a partner. It’s hard not to think that life – at least the way you knew it – hasn’t come to an end. For many widows, their spouse was the breadwinner. And, while many incorrectly believe that the majority of widows are left with a huge insurance payout, that’s simply not the case. The death of a spouse can take an emotional toll as well as create devastating financial hardships. You can’t see which way is up and you believe you’ll be stuck in a sea of darkness forever.

As cliché as it may sound, it does get better. You will get through this raw stage of grief and successfully move to a place that allows healing to begin. With this in mind, there is often talk about “Chapter 2” and it is always tied to dating/love or remarriage. A new man doesn’t define your Chapter 2. You are your own Chapter 2. What you do (or don’t do) determines your fate. You husband’s life ended. Yours did not. The page of your life was simply turned. Though you may not have been ready for it to be turned, we can’t go back. We must continue writing on the blank page that is in front of us. You get to write your Chapter 2 or 3 or 4. Make it count before the page is turned again.

Please Note: This article is part of the “Five” series which includes “Five Ways to be Widowed & Miserable“, “Five Things a Widow Should Never Apologize for Doing” and “Five Lies Widows Tell Themselves“.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.