It’s been 4 years, 10 months and 8 days since I became a widow.
If I’ve learned nothing else about this journey, I’ve learned that death doesn’t give a damn about you, your life or your family.
Death didn’t care that I was in church, worshiping as my hubby took his last breath. It didn’t care that as I sang songs of worship my husband was fighting to stay here, where he was loved and cherished. No, death didn’t care.
I’ve met a lot of widows and widowers through my online support group – each bringing his or her own story of death and how lives were turned upside down.
Death didn’t give two damns that the person it was coming to take was the family breadwinner and that his loss would result in the family home being foreclosed on or require the stay-at-home wife to now seek employment.
It stormed in, knowing it would leave a trail of broken relationships with friends, in-laws and even a widower’s own family.
The fact that a newlywed was carrying a child wasn’t a deterrent. Death was fine with her discovering within days of her spouse’s fatal accident that she was pregnant.
Not even the sadness of children, being left to grow up without their father or mother, was enough to shame death into turning around.
People often mention the Bible and God to grieving widows, attempting to bring them comfort and make sense of a death. While I respect those words of sympathy, I also know that Jesus knows firsthand the devastating toll of death. Not only is it the shortest verse in the Bible, but “Jesus wept”, found in John 11:35, is proof that it’s okay to grieve. Jesus didn’t just cry, he WEPT. If Jesus, the Son of God, can weep, then what gives anyone the right to tell a widow that it’s time to stop grieving and get over it?
There is nothing wrong with grieving your spouse. I think the heartache of losing my husband will stay with me until the day I die. However, that doesn’t mean that I should throw in the towel and tap out of life.
Life is meant for living – despite our current circumstances. Why would you allow death, the thing that took the love of your life, your soulmate, your best friend and confidant to so easily take you too? You cannot sit around in your widow’s funk and wait to die. Death doesn’t get to win without a fight.
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Death has already wreaked enough havoc in my life. It’s left me here without the person I thought I’d grow old with. It’s left me here to be an only parent and to navigate these murky online dating waters.
It’s also left me here to embrace my life. It’s left me here to strive to be the best me possible at all times. To live life without regret. To cherish those I love. To be kind. To show empathy. To stand up for what is right. To put myself in others’ shoes. To be and do better.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you forget about your spouse. You can simultaneously grieve while growing. Your life doesn’t have to come to a crashing halt because your spouse died. Yes, part of you died but what about the rest of you?
Stop feeling guilty for participating in life. Push beyond these thoughts. Laugh. Cry. Try a new hobby. Cry. Embrace new connections. Travel. Cry. Go back to school. Date. Adopt a child. Cry. Look ahead.
But most importantly, remember to live and live well – whatever that looks like to you. You owe it to yourself.
Death doesn’t get to win!
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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You my dear are simply brilliant.
Thanks, Beverly 🙂
It was the unknown wake of devastation that has been the most paralyzing. As a young widow of 3 children; one who was diagnosed with terminal illness weeks after My spouse suddenly died, I am baffled at how relationships have become teams. Three years later, the battleground is still there over things.
*Hugs* I’m so sorry you have so much to deal with on top of being widowed.
This was a well written article. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I was completely rejected by my husbands family who was also my family for 13 years. I was also told by two Christian women (friends at the time) one being a psychiatrist, to get on with it at six months and then again at nine months. It has been three years now, and I no longer waste my time speaking to ignorant people who know nothing about grief and who are very quick to tell you what to do when they do not take the time to listen. I have certainly found out who sincerely care for me and who are willing to help me with the most difficult struggle in my life. I wake up every morning to the pain of realizating that my soul mate is not here with me. I miss him so much. I feel vindicated from the unimaginable pain of loss at such a large spectrum, when I read stories like this. Again, I say thank you.
Thanks so much, Sandy. Good for you for removing ignorant, toxic people from your life.
Kerry this is exactly what I’m trying to embrace. Only 8 months into this nightmare I’m keeping this to read every day.
Thank you for your wrangling everything I feel into this piece.
Just remember to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. It’s truly a journey.
Thank you for this. I lost my mother-in-law, mother and husband in 14 months. Death ripped my foundations of life out from under me and left my kids and I so lost. Death was taking the only foundation my kids had left from them and that was ME. One morning it hit me as I looked in the mirror and tears running down my face that I had to make a choice right then….Was I going to let death define ME or was I going to define death! I made the decision to define death. It was the day I began living AGAIN. On bad days I look in the mirror and repeat those words and get focused and keep going loving and LIVING.
Love it!