- Fail to Acknowledge Your Grief
We’ve all been there. Our spouse/partner has died and yet the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, not slowing for a second to even acknowledge our pain. It’s just business as usual. So, we too continue moving through each day. Numb. We’re on auto-pilot: going to work, getting the kids ready for school, maintaining the household and trying to keep some semblance of normalcy. And then it happens. Often there is a trigger. Something reminds us that we’re just merely existing. The flood gates open and we’re overcome with emotion. You scream, cry, curse, laugh…repeat. It’s okay. In order to begin healing, we must acknowledge the magnitude of our loss.
- Keep Your Story to Yourself
You want your spouse back, not a pity party. Everyone’s looking at you; talking about your loss. You have the saddest story the town ever did hear. Now what? Turn your test into a testimony and your mess into a message. It took me over four years to feel comfortable enough to share my own story so I get it may not be something that’s done overnight. There’s power and healing in sharing your life’s journey with others. I suffered alone with my thoughts and feelings about being young and widowed. A whole new world opened up when I finally shared it. I have connected with the most beautiful souls who reassure me daily that I’m not alone. I’m able to comfort those who are newly widowed, letting them know brighter days are ahead despite the storm. I’m also inspired by those who are even further along in their grief than I am. You never know whose life you can impact. Share.
- Give Up on Your Dream(s)
You thought you had a lifetime to create beautiful memories with your spouse. There were places to see and things to do. But, death intervened. Now all you’re left with is that to-do list and no one to help you check off the items. Why not continue that list? Do it! Whether alone, with your children or with a close friend. You’re still alive. You have to keep living, regardless of how much it hurts. A member of the Young, Widowed & Dating group who enjoys traveling says she recruits her loved ones to accompany her on domestic trips and travels with a study abroad group for international destinations. Despite crying on the plane during her first trip without her spouse, she felt it was important to continue her love of travel. What’s your dream? What are you doing to fulfill it?
- Neglect Yourself
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We’re trying to overcompensate for the loss of our partners. We overindulge our children and spread ourselves thin. Please know that at the end of the day, overcompensation isn’t about the children. It’s more about you. Kids are resilient and often adapt much better to changes than adults. By simply having a conversation, you may be surprised to learn just how well they’re doing. Now, let’s get YOU together. No matter how hard you try, you cannot be a good mother or father by neglecting yourself. As one widow pointed out, “I have jumped every time my kids have said jump because I feel guilty they lost their dad. I’ve done everything to please everyone around me and help them with their grief and healing while not doing much for mine. It really took going away and stepping back from every day life to see I was not doing as well as I thought. I’m now setting aside some alone time with ME every two weeks to reflect on how I’m really doing and being more aware of my feelings and my needs. I kind of feel selfish saying that but I think it is what I need to do to be a better parent for my girls.”
- Allow Others to Define Your Journey
Unless someone has walked in your shoes, it’s practically impossible for him/her to tell you anything about your widowed journey. Even then, no two journeys are the same. I meet so many widows and widowers who feel pressured to do things simply because society says it’s time. You’ve grieved long enough; move on. You haven’t mourned your spouse long enough; don’t date that person who has restored your heart. There’s input from neighbors, in-laws and friends. Everyone wants to add their two-cents to how you should be living YOUR life. Follow your heart, even if it makes others unhappy. Just be sure you’re making good, solid decisions and not allowing grief to cloud your judgment. We know firsthand how fragile life truly is. Live your life on your own terms…unstoppable and unbothered by others.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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I just became a widow 3 weeks ago. We were married 59 years, been together 62 years. He died from a ruptured appendix and refused to go to the hospital.Died the next morning at home. Last weekend, I had our lbig lab dog n a leach and she pulled me down to the growun, breaking 2 fingers and a big gash on my eye. I cant do things by my self. No one at home to help me. I took care of my husband,business and home and now I have to have someone open medcine bottles for me. I cant cope witj this injury so close to losing my husband, Son building new duplex on our land,all hancapped, changinng landscape, cleaning out barn, getting rid of stuff. I feeliim in a tornado, too much stuff going on and he isnt even buried yet.Cant even type or use right hand, so spelling isnt right. How do i get throught this, Kids t3ell me how o save money, dont do this, do that, I know they are concerened, but its my life i have to lead by myself.Should I go to grief councoling or take one day at a time,
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Evelyn. Yes, please be kind to yourself and take extra care. You’re in a fragile place right now and will be for quite a while longer. I definitely recommend you seek out a support group. The meetings will help you cope with the magnitude of your loss and help you meet others further along in their grief.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in a very fragile state right now. Tell your family to slow down period !! If you are not comfortable doing something then don’t do it. I’m sure they mean well but if it isn’t the right time for you then say so. You are in such a fog and don’t know what way to go it is so hard to make any decisions right now. A support group or a Clergymen would be a great way to go. Take a long deep breath and know you are not alone. Prayers for you and your family.
First know I’m so very sorry for all your going through.
If you attend a church and they have GREIF counseling by all means – yes do go
If not, at least call a well established fundamental Bible church you know of and see if there is a reputable one in your area.
Don’t just try to do this on your own – you do need some support .
GREIF takes time to work through and if for some reason the kids are moving you faster than your ready talk with an attorney or a TRUSTED friend for good counsel on some of the big issues you have to deal with and advise on how to slow the rest of the family down .
Don’t just let them take over and do what they want unless you want that.
Take a breath –
And pray
If you aren’t sure about that
Just now your head and tell God what’s on your heart –
Ask him to draw you close.
James 4:8
And in the mean time ask someone else to help with the dog so you can heal!!
Hugs to you my dear.
I’ve been widowed 4 months. I’m a young mom of 4 children. My husband was my best friend, and and my only friend. Our life was our family. He is now gone, and I don’t hear from anyone. I’m hurting so bad, I cry most every hour. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Dear Elizabeth, I am so sorry for your loss. I ve been widowed for 11 months. My husband was the heathiest man but suddenly I lost him one day. I am mom of 2 children. They are 5 and 9. Still now my heart hurts and misses him a lot. I cried everyday now I am crying once a week which is getting better. SO Please hope when time flies away, we of course miss our husbands but it gets better. We have to live for our children. Life is short. But we have to live at least our children grows up . HUG YOU..
Elizabeth, i feel for you, my situation is similar; widowed 2 months, two small kids. my husband was my best and (near)only friend. our life was just the four of us. please contact your local church, there are sympathetic people who will WANT to support you, in any way they can – meals, cleaning, child minding, hugs and even counselling. let them help, everyone benefits.
Elizabeth, i feel for you, my situation is similar; widowed 2 months, two small kids. my husband was my best and (near)only friend. our life was just the four of us. please contact your local church, there are sympathetic people who will WANT to support you, in any way they can – meals, cleaning, child minding, hugs and even counselling. let them help, everyone benefits.
Hugs, Elizabeth. I hope you’ll consider reaching out to a widow support group – whether in person or online. There are so many examples there of people who have been in your shoes and were able to get to the light. I’m happy to provide contact information for a few online groups.