With the holiday season upon on us, many are beginning to plan family gatherings and get-togethers. This time of year can also be stressful for a widow or widower who has anxiety about introducing a new partner to the entire family. If the celebration is at the in-law’s house, that anxiety goes through the roof, especially if they are meeting him or her the first time.

Here are a few tips to consider:

Don’t Put Stipulations on the Invitation

“We’d love to invite you but…”. If you extend an initiation, please allow us to decide if we feel comfortable bringing our partner. It is unfair for you to ask us to choose. We understand that seeing us with a new person can be tough but please understand that our husband is dead. Being with him just isn’t an option and we shouldn’t be expected to curl up in a ball and wait to die. Understand the bravery and the resolve it has taken for us to open our heart after such a tremendous loss. We know you’re still hurting too. We all are. If you genuinely cannot handle it emotionally, please reach out and have a heartfelt conversation instead of a coldly worded text message that our new guy isn’t invited to dinner. 

Whether we’ve been dating for two months or two years, at some point we shared with our partner that our husband has died. Please don’t feel you have to ignore the elephant in the room. It’s okay to say our husband’s name. It’s okay to share a funny Thanksgiving story. We’re widowed, not having an affair.

Don’t Compare

So they don’t dress the same or act like our late spouse. That’s perfectly okay. We were well aware of their differences yet we’ve chosen to date them anyway. Allow the new person in our life to stand on his own merits. Don’t expect him to fill our deceased husband’s shoes. That’s unfair to them both. Get to know him for the person he is, what he means to us, how he loves our children – your nieces and nephews…your grandchildren. 

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Our children know they have a dad. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean they don’t have one. We know this. Our children know this. Our new partner knows this. The man we’ve chosen to invite into our life and our children’s lives knows the special role our late husband continues to have in our lives. Erasing his memory isn’t an option. Trust that we’ve chosen a new guy who embraces the love we have for our late spouse. He understands that he isn’t competing and is therefore secure in his own role. 

Don’t Ask Us to Hide Our Happiness

When you’re in the dark hole of grief, it can seem as though you’ll never find your way out. There are days when you want death to grant your wish to reunite you with your husband; when you feel you don’t have the strength to make it through the day or deal with yet another problem alone. After a good long while, the darkness isn’t as blinding. You’re able to faintly make out objects – the remnants of your life. Over time, you’re able to fully recognize and take stock of what you have left – things upon which you can start to rebuild. Then, the happiness slowly starts to return. If you’re lucky, you even get to a place of joy. As widows, we’ve been through hell. We’ve fought for every piece of happiness we have. We shouldn’t be asked to dim our light to make you comfortable. Don’t chide us for being too lovey-dovey and don’t demand we be less flirty with our partner in your presence. We know the importance of living in the moment and how quickly the one we love can be taken away. Embrace our newfound happiness. It takes nothing away from the love we have for our late spouse. 

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.