There are those who will tell you that a woman who still grieves her dead husband isn’t capable of love. They’ll tell you to run because you’ll always come second. You’ll be told it’s not fair that you must share her heart with another.
Please know, however, that a widow is capable of loving you despite her love for her late husband. She can love you with all she has while simultaneously loving the man who came before you.
There are days when we know that you will no doubt question our love. You’ll wonder if we want you or if you’re simply a fill-in for our late-spouse. You’ll question your role in our life and ask if our heart has the capacity to love you in the manner in which we love him.
Understand that it is never our intent to make you feel as though you need to stand in our late-spouse’s shoes. Despite the “Chapter 2” term that so many in the widowed community affectionately call their new person, in no way do we expect you to be a “continuation” of our former life.
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There is no desire for you to step in where a late-spouse “left off”. Sometimes during a soap opera, a favorite character is recast. The audience will hear, “The part of ABC character will now be played by XYZ Actor”. There will be no such announcement to our friends and family. We don’t want you to assume the role of our husband whose death rocked our world.
We’ve changed. Who we are today isn’t the person we were prior to losing our spouse. We love that you fit this stage of our life. The love we share with you is uniquely our own…free from comparison and free from unrealistic expectations.
We do ask that you be patient with us. There are days, typically early in our relationship, where we’ll question our newfound happiness with you. This is especially true for the first post-loss relationship. We’ll self-sabotage because we feel it’s too soon. We’ll worry about what others will think or just feel downright guilty for finding love again.
Dating a someone whose spouse has died isn’t quite the same as being in a relationship with a woman who is divorced. More likely than not, a divorcée has “made peace” with the end of her marriage. With widowhood, it’s a never-ending loop of emotions. Heard about the five stages of grief? Not so for many widows. Our grief is like an onion. One layer is intertwined with another which may bring us back to Stage 1 even in Year 2.
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On our bad days, when the triggers are plentiful and the tears roll down our eyes, we hope that you understand it has nothing to do with our love for you. Many times, we opt to cry in the shower or alone in the car to hide those raw emotions out of fear of hurting you. How could we still be crying about our late-spouse if we loved you, right? That’s the part of widowhood that confuses many. How can we say we’re happy and in love but talk about missing our spouse all in the same breath? One widow rightly pointed out, “I no longer believe that life is happy or sad. It’s both…all at the same time!”. We can grieve and love; grieve and be happy; and grieve and move forward with life.
As our current partner, it can be challenging to see us in pain. We know that as a “fixer”, you want to take away that hurt. We want you realize that grief isn’t something that goes away, not even with love. Yes, we may have more happy days, but those feelings of occasional sadness will always remain. Allow us to talk, vent, or cry. Create a safe space for us to talk about our late-spouse if we so choose. You don’t have to try to be a savior. Often, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on is all we need to get out the widow funk we’re in.
Loving a widow is worth it. Broken crayons are still capable of creating stunning works of art. On our bad days, love us harder. On our good days, remind us of how far we’ve come and love us even harder.
We thank you for choosing to love us, despite the challenges. Thank you for teaching our heart to expand and experience love again. Thank you for the gift of hope and restoring our belief in “happily ever after”. Most importantly, we thank you for your openness to understand that loving our late-spouse takes nothing away from the love we share with you.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating. She’s also a former contributor to HuffPost.
I love this. Thank you Kerry.
Thanks, Tammie!
Wonderful thank you
I’m a divorced man who is dating a widow, she is 44 and I’m 46. I’ve experienced a lot of pain and loss but have worked (hard) through it and am ready to love again. And I’m starting to love her. Some of this already seems so relevant but I feel that there is so much I need to know, to think about. I’m mature enough to know that love is a complex thing that builds up throughout life, not something that’s reset from scratch every time.
Thank you!!
I have dispute with my wife age 58.
I am retired from govt service. My age is 65 years. Children’s are well settled.
I want love again. We both cannot live together.
I’m a recent young widow by a tragic sudden loss of my husband which already complicates the grief more. No one prepares you for the countless emotions while simultaneously having to handle so many things. So there’s 2 tracks: logistics & feelings. And 2 tracks: grief & moving forward. The grieving can come in waves, layers, loops, & yank you around from many different feelings even within minutes… while the moving forward happens at a faster clip than you can process, both overwhelming & wanting to pause & catch your breath but also feeling the complication that parts of you long for new breath, life, healing & love as well. Thank God knew to prepare me years prior with personal growth to be able to now give myself grace to let the grief tumble out & about as it will while gentle with myself to move forward too. Both missing your spouse but happy for them their soul is free & at peace with God, and tending to your heartbreak in the many ways it needs solitude but companionship, quiet peace but lively joy… Bless you all as you patiently go step by step. A friend shared this helpful image: When you go through fog… you just walk
Exactly what I’m experiencing now, thank you. I recently made the mistake of taking it personal, selfish, jealous. Lacking compassion.
Thank you Kerry,
The absolute love of my life is a widow. I have said many of the things you wrote about to her yet she still feels guilty about her late husband. I’ve created an environment for her to feel safe and I even welcome him in. I keep telling her I don’t want to take his place in her heart. I want my own. She tries at times to push me out of her life but I know she loves me so I hang on, sometimes it almost kills me. Do you have more articles or can you reccomend something else for either of us to read. I would do anything to help her and I love her enough to hang on no matter what, as I said before she truly is the one true love of my life and I want her beside me through our golden years.
So happy she has you and you her <3
I’m in almost the exact same scenario as you. The love of my life is a widow. She loves me so hard when it’s on and then pulls back. She’s absolutely worth all of my love and patience.
I’ve been searching the internet for anything I can find about what widows go through so I can better understand her, what she goes through inside…her pain. There should probably be a support group for people that have fallen in love with widows. I know I’d love to talk with anyone in a similar spot.
Matt, check Facebook. There are a few groups that I’ve heard positive things about. Stay away from those who encourage you to toss out her late spouse’s stuff behind her back.
Hi it’s 3am and I’m reading this in the same position did you find any Facebook groups? Thankyou
Definitely a good point and so well written. I didnt know what words could explain this so eloquently and it is written simple, honest and with so much to understanding
I appreciate the kind words, Cherrie
Nice write up…..
Thank you for this. I’m actually looking for some answers to the feelings I dont understand. I always felt like Im just a fill in.
thank you
I’ve been a widow for almost 8 years. I’ve dated a few men in the past 4 years and have met someone who’s interested but is consistent. It’s been a long time since dating in high school. Should I forget the inconsistent man or continue to expect him to commit to a relationship with me. I am so ready for love 🙂
You read my mind..
we lives with all memories and let’s go lives again
So accurate
Thanks!
Thank you, Kerry! Incredibly beautiful!
Thanks so much <3
This is the most amazing thing that I have read. I have been dating a widow for over a year and have experienced everything mentioned. I was ready to go e up hope that we will ever have a future, because talk about our future has been replaced with days of grief, guilt and shame. I am patient. Those around me say to give up and move on. She asks me to be patient. I don’t think she knows how patient I am, but I am being stretched and feel like I am the only one on the relationship. I want to know how to better love my amazing woman and that’s how I found this article. Is there a group for men to encourage us to be there and love patiently?
I am in the same spot as you. Were you able to find something to help you hang in there and be there for her and be patient with the time she needs. I love this person and it is difficult somedays. please help.
Wonderful,thoughtful,truthful piece.My life with who I’m with now is in a different compartment than my life with my spouse.No comparing, I accept my new guy as he is.I will never forget my lost spouse but he has now become a precious memory which will endure as long as I live.The man in my life is a great guy.I’m happy again.🌺🌸🌺🌸
Thanks, Yvonne. So happy that you’ve found happiness again.
Thanks for knowing this group
Am a young widow, and I need somebody to make happy always I have been sad since I lost my husband.
Start by making yourself happy first
BEAUTIFUL ♥️ 🙂
Thank you so much for this, I am not a young widow but still would love a hug and share a quiet evening with someone else.
Good luck in your search!
Thank you for this. I just started dating someone after almost nine years of being a widow. Your article is helpful but can you recommend some books on this topic?
I’m not sure of any books specifically about dating but there are tons of blogs/article results with a Google search.
Thank you for such a supportive and clear perspective of dating a widow.
Thank you this is exactly how I feel.
<3
True and sometimes overwhelming when people don’t understand you.
Thank you for this. As a divorced father, and a fixer – finding room to understand how love can work with a widow is hard and confusing and wonderful. Reading this helps so much.
Glad it was able to give a bit of insights, Ryan
Hey there! Great stuff but just one thing… do you really think we are broken? That stung. Maybe a different metaphor would work better? My husband may have died and a part of me broke inside but I am by far broken.
Thanks
8
As a guy who loves a widow,thank you. I loved her husband as a very good friend. We both miss him. And we both found love in each other. We took our time.
That’s awesome. That must be especially meaningful to her to have the love she has for her late-spouse shared with you <3
I (widowed 2 years ago after over 20 years together) was dating someone for a few months and it seemed to be going really, then he suddenly withdrew and had different excuses as why he couldn’t meet me.
Several months later now he finally has told me he doesn’t think I am ready for dating as I talk about my late husband a lot and am “clearly not over him”.
Then compared it to himself talking about one of his exes.
Well, that’s not going to change, I am not going to forget about 20 of the best years of my life and most of my memories involve my late husband…
I have no problem loving someone else while still loving my late husband, as someone else said when you have another child it doesn’t diminish the love for your other children..
Maybe the only way to find love again as they understand that is with another widower?
(In which case the dating pool as a woman in my 40s is impossibly small..!)
From the “widow”, this is true and I love you, Tim, with everything that I am. I look forward to happily ever after with you. I can’t believe how blessed I aam
I fell in love with a widowed woman, her husband was my best friend. Just over a year or so after he died we found this relationship just “happened”. It surprised us both, we took it only as fast as we wanted to, gently and carefully at first, talking a lot and sharing.
We found deep feelings for each other combined with a long time friendship to grow ever more personal and emotionally close.
Her grief will just burst out sometimes, I am happy she can tell me about it and be free to express it. She has seen my grief burst out of me too. I miss my mate. I find it amazing she can comfort me, we both loved him in our own way.
We are honest and open to each other, we are able to be a shoulder for the other, when grief comes sudden hard and unexpected. We share a beautiful caring loving relationship, with affection and giggles. The grief gives us a deeper bond, extra understanding of each other. We have days when one or both have grief and it is ok to cry.
New love, old love, is still just love. We are both thankful for our new love together.
This is the deepest most meaningful relationship I have had. We found a way to include our past in this relationship and it works for our future. Our relationship is what we want it to be for our future together.
I have read a lot of comments on here. I felt I owed it to you all to tell you. It can happen, even by surprise and it can be more beautiful and fulfilling than you can imagine.
This is absolutely beautiful! I lost my husband back in December. I think often of my “chapter 2”. Thank you for sharing!
Kerry,
You are an absolute blessing to the widowed community – and to those that support a widow(er). A lot of writers have come close to describing how I feel as a widower who is dating, but you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you.
Kerry, this is perfect. You have written what I feel.
Beautifully written and so accurate thank you Kerry!
Thanks, Patsy!
I am a divorced man who is in love with a widowed woman. It’s not the 1st husband that is in the way of our progress,I deeply respect him, it’s my 2 of 3 children who are not ready to meet my widowed girlfriend that is the reason she’s pushing me away or so it feels.
I’m sorry, David. It can be so challenging at times when children are involved. I hope they will come around and that you both can be happy together.
My children (3) are very accepting of my love for my widow. One of her adult children is not and quite frankly hates me because she thinks I want to replace her father. Not my intention. I knew her father and he was a role model that I would never try to measure up to. This causes my widow to pretty much date me in secret.
My husband died 3 years ago I’ve 2 children 9&12
I’m stuck in my grief
How do I process it
How do I let it go how do I accept this
Can any body explain to my how
Thank you
Sorry for your loss, C. What was helpful for me was eventually finding a support group of young widows who knew exactly what I was going though. It was also good seeing others who were farther out in their grief. That gave me tremendous hope that I’d be okay.
Ur children will come around don’t wait to long to find ur love..ur kids will grow and move on they won’t want to take care of u I am going thru that now..I’m living with my granddaughter i would love to have adult conversation with a man
I am a widow, even though I may not be considered a younger widow. I am a late middle aged widow. What you have written so beautifully fits all widows, young, old and between. All the words are true. Bravo! Thank you Kerry.
Thanks so much, Candis. I appreciate your kind words <3
It is not a good thing to find oneself in such a devastating situation but at the end of the grief and sorrow there must be a light at the end of the tunnel. Life must go on.
We move forward the best we can.
I just started dating a widower and reading this helps me find peace and hope. I’m not trying to be a replacement I love hearing how his late girlfriend was as a person and I enjoy seeing him light up knowing and trusting me with his memories of her he apologises alot but I tell him no need for apologies. We decided to work on our relationship slowly and reading this is so beautiful.
Everyone we date should be as accepting <3
Well said. Have few friends that are widowers. Makes since. Now I can understand.
Thank you so much, I am a young widow and will want to love share a good moments with someone else.
I not a young widow I’m 72..my husband has been gone 5 years I don’t know why I waited so long
I lost my husband at 48 in 2016. The gentleman that I am seeing has embodied your words right from the start. We didn’t go looking for a relationship, it developed because he understood these things. He has encouraged me with these truths long before I knew them or could put words to my conflicted feelings. He’s always been a safe place I could talk about my husband and be honest about my feelings and grief. He never makes me feel like I need “fixing” or that my bad/sad days are a problem. I am so blessed!
So happy for you 🙂
I lost my wife of almost 30 years, in Nov. of 2017. Your words ring true for us guys too. I have recently started dating and found your words saying exactly what I have tried to express to the woman that I am seeing. I joined your email list and look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Thank you.
Thanks so much, Rod. Happy I was able to capture some of what you feel. Thanks for joining the mailing list!
I started dating an awesome girl who lost her husband tragically at age 26. We started dating about 1.5 years after her husband passed away. In the 2.5 years she broke up with me 3 different times, most recently a few weeks ago. How do I know if it’s her emotions going back and forth or if she really doesn’t think we are compatible? I love her, and want the best for her. It also becomes tough when she breaks up with me to get comfortable and over the fear of another break up.
I’m sorry to hear that, Jake. I personally struggled with at times and had to overcome my fear of wanting to run away from a relationship. That could be it, though it could be a myriad of other things. I think the key is to have open and honest dialogue with each other.
I’m dating a man who lost his girlfriend of 7 years in a horrible car accident where he was driving and so feels responsible. They were in their early 20’s at the time and even though they weren’t engaged, looked at each other at life partners. She passed away 12 years ago and he has dated and had several girlfriends since.
When we met, I felt a female joyful spirit on my right and she said playfully clear as day “You should so talk to him” then she left. Though its not super common, its not my first contact with spirit. I knew immediately that it was a spirit and I felt like it was my guardian angel. I couldn’t figure out who it was because I didn’t know a young cute girl who passed away. So I made it my mission that night to talk to him, and even though I thought that the reason she wanted me to talk to him was that he would help with my career haha I had no idea I would fall in love with the guy!
We’ve been together for a year and a half now. I love him very very deeply. I never questioned our love since her death was so long ago and since our love was absolutely wild and incredible, I always felt #1 in his heart and that what we had was special over anything. Until one day he misunderstood what I had asked and he ended up telling me that “he would never be able to tell me that he loved me more then her”
I’m in so much pain now because I do feel like I’m leftovers even though he tells me that I’m not and that he’s moved on. But now it feels like the only reason we would have this beautiful life together is because, he CANT be with her. That he would rather her over me. That if he had the choice, he would choose to marry her. On my side, it feeIs the same as if your lover would actually prefer to be with his X that dumped him but he cant, and has to settle for you. (Your partner preferring someone else)
To top it off- he has a massive tattoo of her on his back as an angel. I see it every time we have sex and sometimes I have to avoid certain positions so I’m not looking at her while I’m trying to have a private and loving moment with my boyfriend.
Its a horrible feeling to be with someone who you love more then anything and to think that they would rather be with another woman and its not you. The only reason I feel this way is because he cant confidently tell me that he would choose me if he had a choice. He couldn’t tell me that he loved me more either for so long and even now, he doesn’t seem confident when he says it.
I feel like I need to know through my partners words that they would choose me over and over in any situation, if he had a choice to be with her, this life and the next because I’m their soulmate. I want that special connection with my soulmate thats just between the 2 of us. If I’m not that for him, then I worry that when we pass on, that I’ll be searing for his soul and he’ll be searching for hers. I do want to be # 1 in his heart because he’s that for me.
It breaks my heart and I’ve been in pain for a long time trying to figure this out. I want him to be happy and he says that bringing this up actually put him back steps in his healing wish is not what I want! I want him to be happy more than anything! He says that he wants to put his topic to rest and I want to make him happy but how can we be happy together like we used to be if he can’t tell me that he would choose me over another woman. I’d rather him just be honest and say that he would choose her if thats how he feels. Then I can make my own choice at free will about how that makes me feel.
He’s said everything- that he wouldn’t ever be able to tell me that he loves me more, that he doesn’t know who he would pick, that I’m equal to her, that he loves me more. Its too confusing. I just feel like I deserve to know how my boyfriend feels about it so I can either accept that he loves her more (and would rather marry and have babies with her), or move on for both of our sakes if that hurts me too much and if I feel like it would weight me down without his words of affirmation that he loves me more and would choose me.
Please help us!
Tash, I honestly had to read your comment several times. While I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, it’s beyond unreasonable for you to expect an announcement that he loves you more than your late spouse. No to loves are the same. A new love for a widowed person is different but it doesn’t mean that it’s any less fulfilling. If he’s not treating you well, then you should leave. But, if all is well and you just need t hear him say that then you’re being totally unfair.
I totally understand the tattoo issue. Even as a widow, I think it would be a tad unnerving having to stare at her face. I don’t think there is much that can be done about though – beyond what you said about avoiding certain positions.
I know dating a widowed person is difficult and I thank you for loving him. Please be secure enough to know that he can love you deeply – without a comparison being made. It’s not a competition. Just as you can love more than one child, we can love our late spouse and current partner.
Thank you for this answer! It’s been very difficult to love my widow partner w/kid. I’ve been trying to compare our love style as a polyamorous relationship, since he loved very much his late wife(she was the love of his life according to his family), while he is trying to save my space in his heart. I do him deary but I feel sometimes like my presence is not respected… I try to think through if this kind of situations are or not about me (ie. Everyone in his family talking about the late spouse on a daily basis). It has been a tremendous rolling coaster emotionally. I just want to feel seen by him for what Im, not because i’ll do good as a stepmother, taking care on them etc.
This is beautiful and true. I always try and explain that widowhood makes you live a double life. You are completely happy with your new life and also sad about your previous life sometimes but you will strike a balance and your life will be amazing ❤
What a wonderful read – thank you Kerry.
I am a guy dating a wonderful soul, she lost her husband 2 years ago. I/we struggle at times, with many of the issues mentioned in the post.
I am trying to locate a good book, it’s difficult. I would truly appreciate a referral from yourself or anyone reading.
Thank you in advance.
Shane
Thanks, Shane. I believe John Polo has a book, “How to Date a Widow.” I’ve not read it but I’ve heard good things.
I am divorced and a survivor of a BPD relationship, she is a widow. Our collective experiences have given the both of us insight into what really matters in life. It seems wrong to refer to my love as a simply a widow, as if that is the only descriptor that applies to her. She is many things; mostly she is wiser and more aware of the frailties of life than most people. At times I do wonder where I stand in the grand scheme; it is normal to do so. Everybody desires validation from the one they love and to see her widowhood as the only factor that matters is like thinking brown is the only thing that matters about chocolate. A person must always remember that the widow is still subject to normal attachment theory factors too. For those who are focusing only on the widow factor, you are not giving her her due. Widows are women with all of the possibilities/pitfalls any other woman has. However, her widowhood has given her a gift of sorts; the possibility of unsurpassed realization of what love really can be. If she falls for you, she will be taking a very difficult and extremely brave step; she will be opening her heart again, knowing full well that she may experience the extreme pain of loss yet again. She will be doing this with conscious and careful thought and will savor your love in ways most women cannot.
Sometimes I think of my ex, as is also normal to do. My experiences include not having clear closure which has allowed me to understand my gals current relationship with her former husband better.
Our subconscious works through things in its own time which is where the sudden feelings from nowhere come. She and I share these thoughts and can understand that the thoughts in no way diminish our connection. To be supportive of this process is the only way to achieve the understanding we both need.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us; whenever I begin to wonder, I reread them and remember that God has given me a precious gift in the form my gal.
So well said. We are absolutely more than our loss!
Great article at a time I need it. Dating a widow, of 10yrs now. I can buy all you say, but what about when she won’t buy in. She won’t allow herself love. Says she doesn’t know if she can make room in her heart. I know I have fallen in love with her, and I choose to love her. But she may not be capable of going further. I deserve to be loved with all that is within a women. I deserve to be the love of her life. In some cases, I think #2 is all the widow will allow. Im sorry I don’t want to be loved with part of a heart. That’s not unfair, is it? Yes I am and will be sensitive, patient, caring, understanding, but I shouldnt have to accept being a replacement. Like I said, I think this is my situation. Any suggestions or thoughts? I do love the girl. She was my first kiss as kids. I have stopped thinking of her. Now at nearly 50, we are dating. She seems to have drawn a line in the sand however. Bummed. Hope you’ll be able to drop me an email. Thanks.
Thanks for reaching out. I never advocate that someone stay in a situation where it is clear the widowed person is incapable and unwilling to make him/her a priority. I think there is a difference between making an effort and stumbling and resigning to the fact that he/she simply doesn’t want to do so. It’s important to have open and honest conversations and address what “acceptable” and what are “deal-beakers.” There are some widowed people that hold onto the past so tightly that they are unable to let any light into their lives. In my opinion, they just aren’t ready – and that’s okay. Perhaps she might need to unpack her grief and sit with her feelings before dating – I don’t know. I do know that widowed people are capable of loving both a late and current partner. And where the present partner isn’t questioning where he/she stands. It might be time for a heart-to-heart to lay everything on the table.
My new boyfriend is the one that found this article. He said he’d been doing his research and reading about being a widow.
This article right here hits the nail on the head. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I’m a widow of a little more than 3 years. He died when I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. This is the first serious relationship I’ve been in since. And this article has put to pen what I’ve been thinking in my scrambled brain.
So thank you for this piece. My bf said it has helped him understand me so much more and appreciates me even more.
Thanks Nicole. So glad he found it and it was helpful for you both <3
Wow, what wonderful reassuring words. I am a divorced man aged 68 dating a 68 yo widow. My 32 year marriage was okay at best, not a lot of happy special times. On the other hand my girlfriends marriage was what I would consider idilic, husband was a doctor for many years but was forced to retire due to some physical limitations. Ultimately they traveled extensively, money was no issue, for almost 16 years. He was taken quickly, within 2 months, with pancreatic cancer. It’s been almost 4 years since he has been gone, I have been in her life for 5 months now. I can honestly say it has been the best 5 months of my life, she is the woman I wished I could have met before I married my wife. I am happy to be there for her in the good and not so good times, to make the rest of her life here as good as possible. I feel that she and I have come to an understanding that I know how strong their love was and all the places and times they have shared, and that I envy them for such a special relationship, something I never really had. The anniversary of his passing is coming up, I intend to do something special with and for her so she knows my heart hurts for her loss and I want to be there to support her when and where she needs it. At this point in time it hurts to feel I am the “second stringer” or “ the person that will do in a pinch”, but I would rather have that along with her love than not being with her at all. She is really a wonderful person.
Your words make me feel better
Thanks
Thanks for writing in Pete. Please don’t think of yourself as “second stringer.” As a wise widow once said, “My husband was the love of my life but my new love is the love for the rest of my love.” We can love both equally. Glad you’ve met such a wonderful person to share your life with and ditto for her.
Thanks for the kind words Kerry. I did leave a single rose and short letter on her night stand telling her of my support for her, when and wherever needed it, that seemed to go over well. But I still struggle from time to time when her friends start chatting and showing pics from trips and events they took together with her and her husband I guess it’s something I’ll need to live with. And yes I did discuss it with her, I am sure she will help me with it one way or the other. She is truly a wonderful lady.
I can imagine that must be tough to deal with. Hopefully it doesn’t happen all the time and with time, once her friends get to know you both as a couple and create more memories, vacations, etc., they’ll have more inclusive conversations. So glad you’ve met a wonderful lady. I wish you both the best!