Hey, you!
The one commenting on the fact that I just posted about my upcoming wedding anniversary despite the fact I lost my spouse two years ago. And, you over there…the person whispering about my tagging my husband in my vacation photo with the kids, even though his ashes sit on the dresser in my bedroom.
Try walking in my shoes!
We continue to be ridiculed for not “letting go” of the love for our spouses. Each time we talk about them, we’re told it’s preventing us from healing. If you see us still wearing our wedding rings, you comment that no man will want us if we don’t “get over” our loss.
Try losing the person you expected to grow old with!
We’re often shamed for honoring our spouses publicly. You “accepted” it the first couple years but now that it’s been four years, it’s viewed as a “cry for attention” or “looking for sympathy”.
You say we’re being “dramatic” when we post about the difficult days – when grief threatens to erase all the progress we’ve made and it feels like we’re at that very moment in time when our world was upended.
Try telling your children that the father they adored isn’t ever coming back home!
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You have no right to dictate the terms of our grief. You didn’t have a say in our marriages and you certainly shouldn’t have a voice in how we choose to honor those marriages now that we’ve lost our spouses.
“…but it’s so weird that you keep holding onto this person’s memory!”
You know what’s truly weird? Kissing your spouse goodbye as you leave for work and returning home to a cold, stiff body. Calling your spouse to tell him to bring home some milk and then have a police car pull up to your house an hour later to deliver the worst news you’ll probably ever receive. Weird is explaining to a 10-year-old how it’s possible that he just played with his father before he went for a bike ride, yet his daddy’s lifeless body is now hanging from the basement ceiling. That’s weird!
“…but it’s crazy that you’re in public celebrating the birthday of a dead man!”
Let’s talk about crazy. Crazy is what happens when your once solid faith is shaken because you’ve been dealt this horrific blow. Crazy is how you feel when you’re forced to pretend that you’re “okay” day after day when inside you’re falling apart. Crazy is having your very best friend in the world abandon you because your grief is “too much” to handle. Crazy is the head space you’re in when you parent the best way you know how and your child resents you for “causing” the death of his father who died by suicide. Crazy is finding out secrets about your spouse…the mistresses, the drugs, the lies…and he’s not there for you to confront him.
There’s a quote that says, “I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love”. We will continue to publicly honor the men we loved, WITHOUT shame and WITHOUT your permission. It’s our journey and we have the right and the freedom to tell our stories any way that helps us heal. What works for one widow might not work for the next. But considering you’ve never lost a spouse (and we pray you never do), you’re in no position to tell us when or how to grieve!
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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Thank you Kerry – as always…so well put! No-one can tell you how to grieve…not even we understand it…I am regularly dumbfounded by my grief which appears to settle and then flare up and the most inappropriate times…doing the weekly shop seems to be the favourite at the moment! It IS crazy!! Thank you for providing a safe sounding board for all of us xx
I loved every single word of this……❤❤❤
Thanks!
Yeah I love your gangsterly poetic , non apologetic recognition to the most hurtful criticism we face as widows for mourning, hurting, grieving in our own time, in our own way, and being forthcoming with the simple fact that this pain inside us is gut wrenching, it consumes the days and night sometimes, and nobody can imagine how it feels unless you are in it. I appreciate so much to hear this honesty and strength with complete sincerity , my husband died only 1 year and 4 mo ago when I was 3 mo pregnant with our son who is now 10 mo almost 11 mo, and even though he will never get to meet his father and the person who gave me the best most loving years of my life, I will always continue to unapologetically speak of that love, and honor his life through memory and story until I meet him again, and if anyone no matter how I decide to face these days of grief that will most definitely last forever, because it doesn’t go away, I will surrender no apology for my process, I will only encourage people to shut the hell up.. lol.. they havnt a god damn right in all the universe to say..
AMEN!
🙂
Truth
Thank you Kerry, I lost my husband almost 2yrs ago from cancer. We were married almost 31 yrs. I miss him everyday , someday more and somedays less but never far from my heart . Nobody seems to understand me. Everyone says time will heal my heart or make it easier.
I think we just learn to live with the loss. Five years later for me and some days are still filled with such a profound emptiness.
Thank you ! Well put ! I lost my husband 2 yrs. ago, in a car accident .. grief granades suck ! I have distanced myself from lots of my friends and family.. because I don’t want to hear this type of backlash..
Hopefully, your family and friends will surprise you and be supportive.
Thank you for this venue to speak of my grief……I/we lost my husband and my children’s father suddenly and without warning almost a year ago and everyday I feel like it’s all not real and he will walk in the door any day. We would have celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary ( after 30 years together ) just the other day and it was so difficult for me as reality has set in . Our daughter will graduate with honours shortly without him …our Son who has not really grieved as he wants to be strong for all of us is just now so difficult ….for our kids they were strong for me for so long and I still cannot process but am getting stronger and am so thankful I have them.
It’s hard. Even after 5 years when something major happens I reach for the phone to call him. Glad to read you’re feeling stronger 🙂
A million times YES!! For every time in the 3.5 years that I have felt like I should be “moving on” or getting looks because today I decided to wear my rings or had to explain to someone else why I am still “Mrs. L” at school. Thank you for validating those feelings. *tears as I read this because you “get it.”
It’s really unfortunate that many won’t get it until they are in our shoes 🙁
My husband of 40 yrs passed away a yr ago from ALS. Some days are easier than others but some days the grief just about cripples me. My best friend has all but abandoned me because she is uncomfortable when I speak of him. I keep hoping it will get easier and maybe one. day it will. God bless.
Sorry to hear about your friend. It’s sad that it’s so common – I’ve even blogged about friends who think our grief is “too much”. I hope she comes around.
From one widow to another, Thank You! Your words speak volume to me ❤