1. Just listen – you don’t have to try to solve every problem (unless you know how to fix death).

2. Offer to carpool the children to/from school or sports.

3. Send gift cards to local restaurants – cooking may be the last thing on our minds.

4. If you offer to be there, please keep your word.

5. Continue to extend invitations to lunch, outings, etc. Even if the invite is often declined, we like knowing we’re still included.

6. Allow us a safe place to talk about our late spouse or partner without judgment.

7. Laugh. It’s okay to recall a fun memory or share an inside joke about our spouses.

8. Offer to babysit so we can have some downtime.

9. Allow us to cry. Ugly cry if needed. It’s good to let it out.

10. Help with preparations as needed, such as putting together the slideshow for the funeral or memorial service.

11. Tell us you’re proud of how we’re navigating widowhood.

12. If we talk about dating post-loss, offer support not judgment.

13. Extend an invitation to come along to the grocery store with us. Those first few trips can be extremely triggering for many.

14. If you have photos or special memories of our spouses, consider compiling them into a memory book, especially if there are young children who will inevitably want to know more about the deceased parent.

15. Consider keeping a calendar of our special days (spouse’s birthday, date of death, wedding anniversary, etc.) and check in to see how we’re feeling during the week leading up to the actual date. That period can be extra difficult for many.

16. Provide a sponsorship for the widow(er) to attend Camp Widow. It’s a great way for widowed people to connect and receive both practical tools and relevant resources to rebuild their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner.

17. Call to check in – not just after the funeral. Grief doesn’t end.

18. If you’re within close proximity, offer to comb/style/cut the children’s hair. This can be especially meaningful for a widower who may not be in the right frame of mind to tackle this new skill.

19. Consider sending a card with a gift card (Visa, Amazon, Walmart, etc.).

20. Send a journal. Writing can be cathartic, especially while grieving.

21. Suggest a memorial blanket/teddy bear using our late spouses’ clothing AND spearhead the project.

22. Invite us out for coffee. It’s wonderful to get out of the house, even for an hour.

23. Show up with a home-cooked meal.

24. Hold our hands as you sit with us.

25. Understand there may be days when we don’t let you into our world. Please don’t take offense.

26. Send a “Thinking of you” note periodically.

27. Reach out on holidays (i.e., Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day) and special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays, etc.).

28. Purchase a weekly/biweekly house cleaning gift certificate. Housekeeping is one of those things that often falls by the wayside while we’re in the thick of grief.

29. Volunteer to pet sit or walk the dog(s).

30. Take us to a fitness class. It’s a great way to release some stress.

31. Remind us that it’s okay to question our faith. Don’t shame us for doing so.

32. Invite us over for 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, etc.

33. Remind us about the importance of self-care, no matter how much we push back against it. It is critical.

34. Be okay with not knowing the right words to say – no words can truly take away the pain.

35. Organize a caring train and assign different friends to handle different duties such as babysitting, grocery shopping, running errands, etc.

36. Consider working with us to compile a checklist of things that need to be handled such as disconnecting a cell phone, turning in a leased car, returning company keys/property, etc.). Widow brain is real!

37. Send a heartfelt email assuring us that you’re here for us.

38. Invite us to tag along on a couples’ night – many of us don’t mind being the third, fifth or seventh wheel, especially if we’ve all been friends for years.

39. Remind us there is no one way to grieve. It’s okay if our grief doesn’t fit into a pretty box.

40. Allow us to be angry.

41. Tell us to breathe – take it minute by minute if needed.

42. Host a girls’ night in, but bring your boyfriends or husbands along. While the ladies catch up, the fellas can be tasked with helping with “guy stuff” such as assembling a new bike, installing a new garbage disposal, rewiring an electrical outlet, etc.

43. Send a note with tickets to a family-oriented event and suggest we spend quality time with the kids.

44. Come over with your teens and help out with housekeeping (washing dishes, dusting, etc.).

45. Offer to be with us when we’re ready to unpack/remove our loved one’s clothing/personal items from the bedroom closets.

46. Pay a neighborhood teen to mow our lawns or shovel our driveways periodically.

47. Speak from the heart vs. offering clichés.

48. Encourage your husband/boyfriend/partner to include our children in family activities such as playing baseball, football, soccer, etc.

49. Have candid conversations when required, and don’t hesitate to ask about suicidal thoughts.

50. Let us vent.

51. Suggest a grief camp for our children such as Camp Erin, and if possible or needed, set up a crowdfunding account to help offset travel expenses.

52. Offer to set up and manage a crowdfunding page for funeral/burial or living expenses, if one is needed.

53. Remember that even if we don’t always show it, we love you and appreciate having you in our corner.

54. Send an “I’m thinking of you” goodie box with adult coloring book and colored pencils.

55. Connect us with others who may have a similar experience. Although we wouldn’t wish the loss of a spouse on anyone, it’s refreshing knowing we’re not alone.

56. Acknowledge our pain without comparisons (not to your grandmother, pet, etc.)

57. Send a sympathy basket. These often contain nuts, fruits and other foods we can easily snack on throughout the day.

58. Please don’t assume how we are feeling. Ask.

59. Show up with a bottle of wine and snacks for a late-night Netflix binge session. Nighttime can be incredibly lonely for many in the widowed community.

60. Provide a list of local/online grief resources. Though it might not be used right away, it will come in handy.

61. Offer to help with sending out thank-you notes (purchasing stamps, mailing, etc.).

62. Watch for signs of depression such as self-harm or feelings of hopelessness and encourage us to seek professional help.

63. Try to be patient with us. The sad reality is that we may direct our pain at our biggest supporters on occasion.

64. Be open to meeting the new person in our life.

65. Follow a couple of grief/widow-related social media pages. You’ll gain some invaluable insights and better understand how to support us in our grief.

66. Make a donation in our loved one’s name.

67. Consider sending feel-good gifts such as candles, body oils, bath bombs, etc.

68. Be prepared for the rawness of our grief and pain. Grief is uncomfortable. It is ugly. It is unpredictable.

69. Be empathetic.

70. Take us on a walk/hike to get some fresh air.

71. Be specific (I will be at your house at 3 pm on Tuesday to help with chores vs. Let me know if you need help with anything).

72. Be a gatekeeper. Update acquaintances on plans, field questions, etc., so we don’t have to answer the same questions repeatedly.

73. Be creative. COVID-19 has put a damper on many in-person visits. Plan a virtual meet-up, take a cooking class via Zoom or host an online game night to help us feel connected while apart.

74. Be a friend.

75. Laugh at our dark humor. Don’t make it awkward.

76. Help sort the mail and prioritize those envelopes that look like a bill or seem important.

77. Send a grief-related book. There are many well-reviewed options on Amazon, for example.

78. Understand that we are often in uncharted territory and may be in survival mode. It might not be how you would have handled a decision but know we are doing the best we can considering the horrific circumstances.

79. Teach your children about loss and grief so they can be more understanding of our children’s pain.

80. Read a few articles on what NOT to say to someone who has lost a spouse. You’d be surprised at the things that are said to make us “feel better.”

81. Pray for us.

82. Say their name. The pain isn’t in talking about our loved ones; the pain is thinking they will be forgotten.

83. Help plan a memorial service, even if it’s done via Zoom.

84. Send an e-card.

85. Accept that death may change us. From being more anxious or nervous to leading a more carefree lifestyle, losing a spouse can upend our lives and change us in the process.

86. Allow us to grieve as long as we need to without making us feel as though we’re a burden.

87. Let us know what you admire about us as we move through our loss. It’s a great confidence boost!

88. Validate our feelings.

89. Be mindful of our triggers, please (joking about killing yourself with a friend who lost a spouse to suicide, for example, is insensitive).

90. Understand that not everyone shares the same faith. While “He’s in a better place” might resonate with someone of the Christian faith, it may be upsetting to widowed people who do not believe in heaven.

91. Know that for a good while, the friendship may be imbalanced. Please know it’s not that we are discounting your trials or bad days. We’re just so busy trying to stay afloat that it can be challenging to look beyond the devastating pain we’re experiencing.

92. Be a safe place for our children to talk about their deceased parent.

93. Praise our accomplishments. We lost our biggest cheerleader so it’s great to be recognized on occasion.

94. Help to be a bridge for those of us who need to have age-appropriate conversations or discuss puberty milestones with our children (An uncle may step in to teach a widow’s teen how to shave. Or a family-friend could give a widowed dad a crash-course in all things menstruation).

95. Know that it’s okay to sit with us silently. We appreciate your presence.

96. Instead of asking, “How are you?” consider, “What kind of day has this been for you?”

97. Keep an open heart and mind. You truly have no idea what you’d do or how you’d handle losing a spouse until it happens to you.

98. Allow us to be vulnerable. We’re often told how strong we are and may feel we have to live up to this expectation. The walls have to come down eventually. Be there when they do.

99. Toss out the notion that there are five stages of grief and that they are linear.

100. Just be there.

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Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.