I was reading an article over on MadameNoire entitled “Life Will Humble You: 10 Things You Shouldn’t Speak On If You Haven’t Experienced Them.” While it was a pretty good list, I was a bit disappointed the loss of a spouse wasn’t on the list. It seems widowhood goes hand-in-hand with unsolicited feedback, with everyone feeling the need to add their two-cents.

I was inspired to create my own list of 10 Things You Should Never Speak On – Widowed Edition:

1. Insurance Money

Unless you’re our financial planner, you don’t have the right to ask if our late spouse had a life insurance policy. If there was one, the amount, what we plan to do with the money, how we choose to spend it…none of your business. And, while you’re at it, stop trying to guilt-trip us into giving you a lump sum. If our spouses wanted you to have a portion of the proceeds, it would have been spelled out, or you would have been listed as a beneficiary!

2. His or Her Soul

As my pastor likes to say, “I don’t have a heaven or hell to put you in.” And, neither do you! Stop damning the souls of our spouses to hell if they completed suicide. You aren’t God. You do not have the authority to determine where they spend eternity, and to be honest, if you’re okay telling a widowed person his or her spouse’s soul is in hell, you might want to check your own salvation!

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3. Children

If we aren’t abusive or neglectful, please allow us to parent independently. We don’t need you to second-guess our parenting or bad-mouth us to our children. So what if we’re “babying them” or being a little too lenient at times. Our babies are grieving. They’ve learned the heartaches of life much too soon. Allow us to preserve what’s left of their childhood for as long as we can.

4. Our Changes

You lose the remote and your whole attitude changes. Imagine losing your soul mate, lover, co-parent, financial provider, spiritual leader, head of household, confidant, best friend, accountability partner, confidence-booster, fixer, encourager, “make-this-life-worthwhile” person…all on the same day! How much would you change? It wasn’t that I changed a lot; a lot changed me.

5. The Grief Timetable

I get you lost your pet turtle in 1990, but that hardly makes you an authority on grief. No two widowed paths are the same. You cannot tell a widowed person they’ve grieved long enough. How do you forget there is a gaping hole in your heart? There is no getting over the loss of a spouse. It changes you forever.

6. At Leasts…

Can we put to bed any phrase that begins with “at least…”? We know it was probably well-intentioned, but those statements typically never end well. They certainly aren’t as comforting as you may think. The loss of a spouse doesn’t come with little rays of sunshine delivered in neat little “at least…” packages. There is no bright spot to death.

6A. “At least your spouse is dead. I’m divorced.” – I cannot be responsible for any brawls that may result from saying this to a widowed person. DO. NOT. GO. THERE. EVER.

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7. Our Tribe

You think we’re spending too much time with “those widowed people” who are prolonging our grief. What you fail to realize is “those widowed people” are our lifeline. They are resilient, tough-as-nails, and serve as proof there can be happiness, laughter, joy, hope, and even love after the death of a spouse. Those relationships aren’t optional. They are a necessity.

8. Dating Post-Loss

As someone once said, it’s only too soon to date if you plan to take a new partner to your spouse’s funeral. Please understand there is no wrong or right time to reopen our hearts. It takes giant balls to love after a loss. Offer support, not judgment.

9. Loving Another

Nothing a widowed person does or does not do will ever take away from the love he or she has for a spouse who has died. Choosing to fall in love doesn’t mean a deceased spouse is treasured any less. Getting remarried does not erase the memories. Having a child doesn’t mean we’ve let go of our past. We can love them both simultaneously – with neither person requiring more or less of our heart.

10. The Rebuilding

It’s unfortunate it takes losing a spouse to truly understand what it’s like to be widowed. And, we wouldn’t wish this path on our worst enemy. We can only hope you’ll take some time to educate yourself about the many challenges we face as we rebuild our lives post-loss. This journey isn’t for the faint of heart. There is no perfect way to be widowed; we’ll make some missteps. Though our grief might not look the way you’d like it to, please remember the expression, “until it happens to you…”

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.