When you own the merchandise of a designer or see your favorite celebrity in a film, on some level you feel you know them. When you read the gossip blogs or scroll through their social media accounts, you can’t help but feel connected.
It’s no wonder that the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have shaken so many fans to the core. They wonder what caused both to ultimately end their lives and what warning signs others around them may have missed. They question why someone with so much money couldn’t find happiness or better yet, help for their demons.
And, with news of each celebrity death, Facebook timelines become filled with toll-free numbers for suicide hotlines, quotes about the importance of checking on friends and rest in peace tributes.
While all of these are important, I encourage you to also check on the widow who has lost her spouse to suicide. Every day, regular people like us lose a spouse to suicide. We experience the horror of having the demons win. We face the stigma of suicide every single day.
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Often, there is no love and support from friends and neighbors. Instead, those widowed by suicide are left with accusations, innuendoes and judgment. Why didn’t they do something? Didn’t they notice their spouse was depressed? Didn’t they know there were mental health issues?
As so many widows have pointed out, there were no signs. Much like Kate Spade who was said to be planning a trip shortly before her suicide and Anthony Bourdain who was in the middle of filming for an upcoming episode, there was nothing amiss with their loved one. They never thought they’d take their lives until they did.
The widow who lost her spouse to suicide is still dealing with the aftermath. She’s still struggling with issues of abandonment, guilt, regret, fear and anger. She’s still wishing she had a “better” ending like cancer or an accident, where at least there would be sympathy instead of scorn and insinuations. She’s still being judged for not being the kind of wife that her husband could have talked to about his “problems”. She’s still being asked what role she played in his death. She’s still being criticized by her in-laws for somehow not preventing their loved one’s death. She’s still being shunned by prospective partners out of the fear that they too may be “led” to suicide. Most importantly, she’s still protecting her babies from the hurt they feel about their parent’s suicide.
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In addition to having to reassure her children that they are without guilt, she also must counter the taunting done by their peers – other children who feel a parent’s suicide is something to be mocked…others who suggest her children are better off dead too.
Unfortunately, suicide has been shown to run in families. The widow who has had her world fall apart when her husband killed himself…she’s working overtime to keep her kids alive too. She’s dealing with the pre-teen who is acting out in a promiscuous manner. She’s fighting to get her son who struggles with depression into therapy. She’s finding help for the teen daughter who is now cutting herself. She’s completing intake forms for the son who just attempted suicide for the second time.
Those who are widowed by suicide aren’t the exception to the rule. The funeral may be the end for our loved one who passed away but for widows, it’s just the beginning. Your friend, co-worker, neighbor or family member who lost a spouse to suicide needs you now. Her children need you now.
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The “Check on your strong friend” statement that is making the rounds on the internet…she is your strong friend. Check on her!
She is one insensitive comment away from a breakdown. She’s one “armchair psychologist” analysis away from sinking into the black hole of grief. She’s one blame-game from soothing her pain with pills and alcohol.
While suicide prevention is urgently needed, I hope that you’ll remember the widows who are living through the aftermath of suicide. I hope that in the midst of your encouraging someone to seek help, you’ll reach out to someone who has been left to pick up the pieces after a suicide.
Yes, we miss those who have left us by suicide and wish that there had been a better outcome. Just don’t forget the check on their spouses and children. They need love too.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.
As a widow by suicide I can attest to how true this is. I’ve “been there, done that” for all of it. I’ll never know exactly why he took his life and I have had to learn to live with not knowing. Life goes on but it is hard. Some days are harder than others.
im widow by suicide my husband took his own life a year im still finding myself my kids on the other hand are so resilliant some days are harder than others ill never understand what my husband was thinking.
Big hugs, Julie. Continued resiliency <3
Julie, i to lost my partner he took his life February 17th this year, i am so broken two beautiful daughters , teenagers, why did he think i? I don’t no, i so sorry for ure loss , how are you, xxx
Not only is WTF happened the question but in my case so many things are revealing themselves. Just as we were regaining a sense of normalcy, it was thrown back at us. The looks of horror, the chatter and the questioning only makes it harder!! If we widows knew the answers to your questions we would answer them! Better still, I’m sure all of us would’ve interviened but we weren’t afforded that luxury!! Instead, we’re left to deal with the ramifications of someone else’s choice AND change our entire existence but keep going! I know my friends are the only thing that keeps me going!! They do check on me and it’s ok if I’m not ok!! Widows-Be good to yourselves!! Set the standard of acceptance and love bc Lord knows that’s what is needed during this difficult time!
Can’t find words. This is my life. Thank you.
Big hugs, Hope. Please know that you aren’t alone and I will always do my part to educate others about survivors of suicide whenever I can.
I was widowed by suicide 3 years ago. This article is so true, thank you for putting into words so eloquently the hell we live each day
Thanks. Hugs
I am a forever broken mother suicide took my only son Nathan and he’s 18 December 11th 2017 suicide also took my oldest daughter Parris age 26 May 21st 2018
I can’t imagine your pain. So very sorry to read this. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Its been 16yrs,been there not easy but i have had to live of what was left of my life.The scorn and stigma is real.
Hugs on your loss. Yes, we just have to keep moving forward indeed.
How do we move on , not right to do, and hard to do
It just really comes down to realizing that you just have to move forward and live what’s left of your life.
Yes all the above is so true i feel like I’ve written this , there has to be so much more support, with children, schools, exams etc how much more? Why are we so isolated in this grief ,
I would like to add a ray of light and hope. My husband died by suicide almost 2 1/2 years ago. There were no big signs, we were all shocked. The grief still comes in big waves, but less often now.
I have been blessed and protected from awful comments. No one has blamed me, certainly not to my face. I think those of us closest to him know that the only person who is to blame is the one who pulled the trigger.
The hardest part is raising the kids alone, and yes, worrying about them. My daughter was 10 weeks old and my son was 6 when their dad gave in to the pain. I worried constantly about my kids in the beginning, and still sometimes do. But the best I can do is talk, talk, talk about everything, and be open and ready to hear the hard stuff from them.
Also, counseling was a major factor in my journey. Good counseling is essential.
Learn to forgive yourself the last angry words, the brushing off, the missed signs. We have to give ourselves grace. If we don’t give ourselves grace, then how can we possibly move forward?
I feel the pain, too, and sometimes it still takes my breath away. It physically hurts like a shot to the gut. But there is hope, even hope for new love someday. I’ve been lucky to find a nice guy who loves me and my little ones.
We have to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves for whatever is holding us down.
There is hope! It’s not going to be easy or always happy, but it can be mostly happy again. Keep up the good walk, suicide widows. It really really sucks, it’s one of the worst things that can happen, but you’ve got this. There is a light in the deep darkness.
Awesome! Thanks so much for sharing. Great insights <3
Thank you for this.
Definitely unfortunately can relate to all of this article. Even after 11.5 years of living with the questions, doubt, regrets, worry, and wishes… it’s all still true and painful. However, I agree Kerry… I can choose to move on for my daughters… or die with him on the horrible day. I do everything I can to remind them that they still have a parent here who loves them more than anything. Counseling, family time, counseling, taking, openness… and then more counseling. It’s taken it all not we are making it. Day by day… step by step… just breathe. Some days, I just focus on breathing. Thank you for your devotion to educating others about being widowed, suicide, and the strength it takes to keep breathing. I am forever grateful!
Yes, that’s really what it boils down to at times – hour by hour. Continued healing to you and your daughters. I appreciate the kind words 🙂