At some point, most everyone in the widowed community hopes to emerge from the black hole of grief. In no way do we ever truly escape grief but we desire to get to a place where we can carry on despite the loss of our spouse. We want to move beyond the depression, anger and/or numbness and step into a place of healing and growth. For many, this may mean opening their heart to love again.

With that being said, I’d like to share something with the family, friends, in-laws and church members of these widows/widowers who feel compelled to pass judgment about their choice to begin dating:

JUST STOP!

ADVERTISEMENT
You don’t get the right to be cuddled up next to your husband/wife of 10, 20 or 50 years and criticize someone who is widowed for exploring his or her dating options. Forgive me if I’m just a bit miffed that you’re gossiping about your widowed next door neighbor while cooking dinner for your husband. Let’s pause as I roll my eyes at your disgust for the widower who posted about his first date night since the loss of his wife.

In fairness to you, let’s talk about your issue with the widow/widower in your life. You think it’s “too soon”; they haven’t grieved the right way; it’s not proper for a woman with children to date; or, they are dishonoring their late-spouse.

To that, I say:

JUST STOP!

Who made you the authority on widowhood, grieving or post-loss dating? Did you come up with these “rules” before or after you kissed your own spouse goodnight?

Though I wish you a long, successful marriage filled with love that lasts a lifetime, please don’t voice your opinions about our lives until you’ve lost a spouse. And even then, no two widowed journeys are alike.

Lose your spouse and then tell me how long before you start missing the love and companionship that comes with a relationship. Try watching cancer take its toll on your wife’s beautiful body. Go without your needs being met emotionally and physically because you’re so consumed with making sure the kids are “okay” as they see their mother become a shell of herself. Tell me about being in an unfulfilling marriage fraught with adultery and abuse…watch as he storms off because you’ve had enough…then awaken to the police saying he’s killed himself. How long would you wait to be loved the way you deserve? Why does my Chapter 2 bother you so?

ADVERTISEMENT
You say you know love and our dating “so soon” means we didn’t love our spouse. Let me correct you because if you know love like you say you do, then you’d want us to have that again. You’d want our light, now dim from the pain of losing our beloved spouse, to shine again.

While we’ll certainly live our lives on our own terms (we know firsthand the fragility of life), your judgment hurts. In the same manner you’ll celebrate the upcoming engagements and marriages of your single friends and family, we’d like you to celebrate our milestones. It was hell getting to this place of opening our heart to the possibility of love again.

There will also be judgment for our being part of a Young, Widowed & Dating community. I’ve seen it time and time again: members worried about being judged by family, friends, in-laws and fellow church congregants on Facebook because of the group’s name. Members have gotten messages from loved ones saying they can’t believe they are part of such a group. “Dating already?” they’ll inquire. Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t. However, we do reserve the right to do so if we want to, without judgment from you.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.

ADVERTISEMENTS
Share This