With that being said, I’d like to share something with the family, friends, in-laws and church members of these widows/widowers who feel compelled to pass judgment about their choice to begin dating:
JUST STOP!
In fairness to you, let’s talk about your issue with the widow/widower in your life. You think it’s “too soon”; they haven’t grieved the right way; it’s not proper for a woman with children to date; or, they are dishonoring their late-spouse.
To that, I say:
JUST STOP!
Who made you the authority on widowhood, grieving or post-loss dating? Did you come up with these “rules” before or after you kissed your own spouse goodnight?
Though I wish you a long, successful marriage filled with love that lasts a lifetime, please don’t voice your opinions about our lives until you’ve lost a spouse. And even then, no two widowed journeys are alike.
Lose your spouse and then tell me how long before you start missing the love and companionship that comes with a relationship. Try watching cancer take its toll on your wife’s beautiful body. Go without your needs being met emotionally and physically because you’re so consumed with making sure the kids are “okay” as they see their mother become a shell of herself. Tell me about being in an unfulfilling marriage fraught with adultery and abuse…watch as he storms off because you’ve had enough…then awaken to the police saying he’s killed himself. How long would you wait to be loved the way you deserve? Why does my Chapter 2 bother you so?
While we’ll certainly live our lives on our own terms (we know firsthand the fragility of life), your judgment hurts. In the same manner you’ll celebrate the upcoming engagements and marriages of your single friends and family, we’d like you to celebrate our milestones. It was hell getting to this place of opening our heart to the possibility of love again.
There will also be judgment for our being part of a Young, Widowed & Dating community. I’ve seen it time and time again: members worried about being judged by family, friends, in-laws and fellow church congregants on Facebook because of the group’s name. Members have gotten messages from loved ones saying they can’t believe they are part of such a group. “Dating already?” they’ll inquire. Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t. However, we do reserve the right to do so if we want to, without judgment from you.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Thank you for this. I’m not a widow, but lost my fiance 4 months before our wedding day and a month before our 5 year anniversary. I met my current boyfriend 8 months later and have just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. I always feel as though there is some sort of silent judgment being passed or I’m too happy or I’m not allowed to be sad anymore when other anniversaries pass and it makes me feel guilty when I know it shouldn’t. I still grieve, I still love and miss my fiance, but I also don’t want to spend my life missing someone who is never coming back. You’re absolutely right; there are NO rules. If there were, maybe we would know how to deal when our loved ones unexpectedly leave us. Instead we are left to figuring it for ourselves and figuring out how to love again (which is completely acceptable).
Well said! Very well said!
Thank you!
Thanks so much for this,I was judging myself for wanting happiness again.It has been 4 1/2yrs since my husband passed.Some think I am being disloyal for wanting happiness again .I will always have our memories together. Thank You friend
Carol, self love is about preservation. You’ve kept your vows – till death do us part. Live is made for living!
Thanks for this.
AMEN!!! “if you know love like you say you do, then you’d want me to have that again. You’d want my light, now dim from the pain of losing my beloved spouse, to shine again.” this is my favorite part. Also remember that broken hearts make choices that whole hearts do not. Thank you for writing this!
I love that! Never heard that expression but it makes so much sense.
You made me cry tonite from relief, I was devoted to my husband for 35 years , he hated being ill & loosing control,, I kept him at home until the end surrounded by family , he went within two weeks but I know he wanted me to have someone to support me… but my biggest challenge is everyone else’s judgement. The children want to be there & are there for me but they all have their husbands & wives to talk to .. no one can ever ever replace my soul mate but a good buddy would be nice at the end of the day & everyone needs a cuddle. Sometimes I think it is probably easier if you part whilst alive as you don’t have the mental stigma attached yet when we gave our wedding vows it was until death us do part..yet society is very judgemental.. even if you were both angels.x back in my grans time it was functional..she had no income he had no wife to run the house & no one blinked an eye lid..sorry to rant x
It’s okay to rant. Sometimes we have to let out it out. I’m sorry for your loss. People forget that we’re human too – we desire contact, love, touch, etc. It’s a shame that such judgement continues to exist.
My parents have had to walk some of my family members through this very issue. The have tried to provide them perspective. The reason your loved one has found someone “so quickly” is that your mom/dad made them so happy and they want a piece of that back. It is not a reflection of how little they loved them but how MUCH they loved them. Agree with you 100%.
Hooray for your parents!
Love this thank you !
Thanks!
Love it! Thank you!!
Thanks, Dawn
Thank you. My husband killed himself not very long ago, we have many kids. I’m keeping this short, but it is very hard to have that void and wonder if it will ever be filled and how the kids would respond.
I’m sorry for your loss. We have to follow our heart if it brings us happiness, despite what others think (unless there are legit safety concern of course)
Thank you – feels good to know other widows understand what I have been feeling for almost 5 years. I’ll never love again like the first time – but I know I do have a chance to love again.
Yes you do. We all do 🙂
This also applies, maybe more so, to the older widows and widowers. Children, friends and church members judge us without thinking about the loneliness we feel…No children still at home to break the killing silence and fear of going to sleep. When we go home and shut the door in the evening after a full day with friends and relatives, the silence is deafening. I was lucky enough to connect with an old friend who had also lost his spouse. We had the timmerity to marry! What a blow up THAT caused!
That’s so ridiculous. How can people assume our need for love and companionship dies with our spouse? Happy to read about your Chapter 2!
Thank you! As a young widow, who was living a nightmare of a dysfunctional, adulterous relationship, and have a child with a terminal illness, it was wonderful to read what my brain/soul has been saying!!
I’m sorry you have so much on your plate, Stephanie. Sending lots of prayers your way. Glad the article was worthwhile.
This is beautifully written and straight to the point. I have carried my status as a widow reluctantly with humor. I call myself #theinappropriatewidow. Humor has gotten me to what will be my fourth year in July.
I am currently in a relationship with a sensitive caring, very observant loving man. He is divorced with one daughter. I have 3 sons. I grieved more in the 1.5yrs we have been together than the prior 2 without him. He is supportive and present. He let’s me talk about my husband, cry about my husband, the loneliness and the weight of what I bear.
TMI ALERT! I even called out my husband’s name in one of our first relating moments. He took it in stride. We talked about, he Googled it and we talked more. He sought to understand and then let me know how he felt about it.
He had a rough marriage and divorce. But his family has said, since we have been together,they have their son and brother back.
I strengthen him in my weakness. He supports me with his vulnerability.
I tell people, he doesn’t complete me. My husband made sure I could take care of myself, and I already knew who I was before meeting my Chapter 2…
I say, we complement each other.
When I became a widow, I went to work. I knew what to do. But didn’t know about the feelings, emotionally and physically.
Not once did I care what people would say or how they felt I was doing in my widowhood. I had 3 other souls to make sure got up and did something everyday. I had a great and still do have a fabulous and big Village. Some were even pushing me to move faster and I had more babysitter than many could dream. My Village was a huge factor in my current relationship. They allowed us to have the much needed time alone to grown together and than add the children into the mix.
Some of my family took it hard, but more so because my husband was so ingrained in the lives of my family. My mother still has troubles coming and staying at my house. Because she is not serenaded awake by him playing the piano.
I say all this to say, we shouldn’t stay alone and live in black or bleak because our loved one is gone and not coming back. We need to find that spark you once had or strive to find that Sparks you need and get happiness back or for once and for all.
Sorry so long. I have had this article set aside to read and so glad I did. Thank you for this piece.
Thanks so much, Gina. I’m happy that you’ve met a new man who makes you happy and I agree that laughter is the best medicine. Strive to find the spark…LOVE it 🙂
Appreciate this so much. It’s early in my journey, I am facing my grief head on, but hope that someday I might find companionship again, maybe even love. My LH would want me to be happy again.
It’s almost four years now since my darling wife parted this life, the thing I miss most is the companionship we shared in our 36yrs together.We had our family reared and were looking forward to being able to do the things we wanted to do, but alas it was not to be. The loss of a loved one is so great that only another in the same situation is capable of knowing what a crushing blow it is, gone are all the little intimate gestures that pas between a wife and her husband, simple things like bring a cup of tea or a cuddle and a kiss, it angers me so much when people dare to judge widows and widowers because we want to share this again with another, to me it is an indication of how much we valued our soulmates and not a disrespect to their memory, rather it is saying that we had so much to give that we want to continue with the giving, I may be making no sense but I still have a lot of love within me to want and believe it or not need to give to another and return to receive love in order that I can once again become fulfilled in life and to live that life to the full.
I absolutely agree, John. Unless you’ve lived it, you don’t know how you’d handle being widowed. May those who judge us never go through the horrible pain and loneliness of losing a spouse. You have every right to share all the love you have to give!
Thank you.
There was only one person who I felt ever judged me for being involved with someone else after my husband died. I feel that her comments to me were really the thoughts of several others in her circle. I have to believe that it was her trying to deal with her loss as well, but it was hard to hear from her.
The bigger issue that your post raises for me is that it makes me look at my own life and being judgemental of others. These words speak to me and remind me that I need to “sit down and shut up” when I look at others’ lives and start to form an opinion!!!
Absolutely. We as widows can be judgemental too.
I am just seeing this arrival for the first time, and I have to tell you, this is a sign from my late husband.
I don’t feel I’m ready for a serious relationship or dating, but I miss being in the arms of another man. The physical part of a relationship.
I have decided to put myself out there after 8 months of being a widow.
It’s a mutual agreement that there’s no strings attached, but I had wondered if it was to soon.
And if I was ready to be with another man.
22 years together is a long time this day and age, but that 22 years is in the past now.
Thank you! Thank you for writing this article and making my mind at ease!
Glad it appeared at the right time, Tina!
This!! Yes!! Thank you! It helps to know others share in this struggle. Very well written!!
Thanks!
I’m going through this phase now and yes, way-way too soon. I have known my late husband for 3.5 years all together and it was the best experience in my life. It was short marriage but we both felt like we have known each other for centuries. His love will be with me forever. I did not anticipate to date and even less to fall in love any time soon. However, my husband’s friend started helping me out about 2.5 month after my husband passed, and I gradually wormed up to him enough to start dating him. I did not hide it and of corse someone had to see us in public. What a storm this stirred up! Mainly against my late husband’s group of friends. It is great to see that my old friends may not approve, but they don’t seam to judge me. However, some of the people from my husbands group even had guts to say that I was not faithful to my husband while he was alive (because I’ve met someone so soon). I have not had any contact with this man before and it is very hurtful as I still morn and love my husband. My new boyfriend has to deal with all this, and me crying on his shoulder every other day because I still miss my husband. However he is super understanding and brings an example of a mother, loving two children. He is not jealous of the person that is not with us any longer and believes that it is possible for me to love again. I really hope this works, because I still have a lot of sadness in me even thought my new guy literally saved me from falling into a deep depression. I have no family near by. My daughter lives on the other side of the country and we don’t talk much. My friends have their own families and own troubles. I can’t say they didn’t help. They did, for about a month after my husband passed, and than slowly went on with their own lives. They told me to call if I need something… That is not a good thing to say to someone who is so down. I would feel bad dragging someone down with me and for that reason would not contact anyone and was going downhill even more. I don’t know how to call someone and tell them “Hey, I’m depressed and feel lonely, could you hang out with me now?” So, now, that I can see the light at this grieving tunnel, my dear friends are judging me for being happier. I did not date because I was feeling bad, I just had a gut feeling that I have to give this person a chance. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m happy that I did. Now I see clearly who my true friends are. Being all alone, I’ve had to do a lot of learning and counseling in order to be able to function after this loss and I’m trying to be better and not to judge anyone. It’s very hard right now not to drop all the ppl who judge me out of my life. I’m still trying to understand and not to get offended and see how things work out. It is not easy to keep heart open to the new love and to all the strange relationships with people I’m experiencing right now. People can be really mean and really push someone to the edge.
Andri, thanks so much for sharing. Have you tried reaching out to a widow/grief group in your area? It helps to be with others who “get it”. This page also has a great online support group which has been helpful for many. Hugs to you.
Thank you, I am in tears writing this. My husband of 23 years passed away 9 months ago. I loved him and was faithful to him and fulfilled my wedding vows until the end, but he had many girlfriends and was an addict. He could be loving and cruel at the same time. I became the past 10 years more of his mother than wife. We were not intimate for the past 3 years. I hid all of this from everyone, including our adult daughter whom still lives at home. I made our marriage look like a pretty package with a perfect bow. Since his death I have found a man, who was actually a mutual friend of ours, that I have fallen in love with. The feeling is mutual and we would like to move forward with our relationship. This person has helped me with my grief and is very kind and giving. I am being judged by my family and daughter for moving on too fast, too soon, how could I do that they ask. All I know is that I am the happiest I have ever been, feel loved and treated so very good.
Unfortunately, people will talk regardless. My advice is to continue doing what makes your heart happy. You absolutely deserve all the happiness that comes your way!