Your world fell apart with one phone call. You heard the words no one ever wants to hear. Words that were never to be part of your happily ever after.

I wish the person I am today could go back and hold you. I wish I could tell you that you’ll eventually see the light that comes after the brokenness…after the devastation…after the hell. I want to give you a heads up that time alone won’t heal the searing pain that comes with losing your spouse and that you’ll need to play an active role in your grief if you’re ever to make it out of the quicksand of grief…

Instead, I watch as you deal with the shock of being widowed a few days after your first wedding anniversary. I worry as you take on the guilt of not being there with your spouse as he took his last breath. Grief alone is heavy. Grief plus guilt will bring you to your knees.

I want to tell you that love isn’t only felt when you’re in the presence of the one you love. Though he was thousands of miles away, he felt your love. He knows you would have been there if only you’d known death was lurking. I wish I could tell you the guilt you will carry needs to be addressed – even before your grief. It’s normal for grief to last forever, but guilt is too much to carry year after year. It will prevent you from getting through the very rawest parts of your loss.

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And if the guilt wasn’t bad enough. You’re angry. Those secrets that were birthed as a result of his death are not a reflection of you, but him. You’ll love and curse him in the same breath as the tears flow. You won’t have the answers you so desperately seek. Yet, you’ll torture yourself reliving the last almost decade of your relationship, wondering if you missed clues. I wish I could have saved you that headache. You have to let go of that anger and make peace within yourself. Though you eventually put that load down, you carried it far too long.

You’ll question your place in the world, having had your future switch from “we” to “me.” I want to remind you to be kind to yourself and practice grace and patience. Death changes everything – splitting your life into the “before” and “after.” His death will leave you emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically bankrupt. On the days you questioned your inactivity, desire to lay in bed all day, etc., I wish I could tell you your mind, body and soul needed that time. You need to heal inwardly and outwardly. You’ll learn that although death took so much from you, there is much to gain about yourself, having lived through the death of a spouse.

Dating, you’ll discover, has changed quite a bit since he swept you off your feet on a South Beach street one February night. You’ll swear you’re done with love and want your romance story to end with your favorite chapter: You + Him. But being widowed at 32 makes you look at all the years ahead. Do you truly want to deny yourself another shot of love for the next 30, 40, or 50 years? You’ll soon realize it’s okay to have a change of heart. I wish I could sit with you and tell you that wanting to experience love again takes nothing away from the story you shared with your late spouse. I’d just remind you this new love will be different, but it can be just as fulfilling and needs to stand on its own – without your trying to make it an extension of your marriage. This story gets its own brand new chapter!

And, as the years go by, you’ll find your guilt is now manifesting in different ways. You’ll feel guilty for having days when memories of him don’t consume most of your day. You’ll question yourself, wonder if you’re forgetting and then go into a guilt-induced grief session. Please know moving forward doesn’t mean you no longer carry that same great love in your heart. The reality is you’re growing around your grief. You’ve formed years of new memories and had thousands of experiences since his death. It’s only natural you can’t remember the color of his shirt when you went fishing for the first time. But you know what you will never forget? How he made you feel while you were out on the boat! Don’t discount those “feeling” memories. They’ll get you through some of the most challenging days.

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I know it feels as though the very best parts of your life have already happened and there is no recovering from his death and its aftermath. And, yes, it is true you’ll be in survival mode for a long time. But, I’d tell this version of my widowed self not to focus on next year or even the following month. Get through the next 24 hours…maybe even the next 10 minutes at a time. What’s the next immediate thing that needs to be done? What requires your attention right now? Then, build on those successes. It’s most effective to focus on manageable periods of time versus the overwhelming totality of widowhood.

Most devastating as I think back to my younger self is feeling completely alone with my loss, despite having amazing support from family, friends, and church members. Sis, you’ll wonder if you did something wrong to have “caused” this to be your story. You’ll feel isolated watching your peers with their spouses and feel robbed of this experience. But, I want you to know you’re not alone. There are entire widowed communities – young and old – willing to bring you into the fold and inspire you with stories of overcoming and not just surviving but thriving. You’ll wish these beautiful souls never had to hurt, never had to watch a loved one die, never had to be faced with a terminal diagnosis, but through them, you’ll find resiliency and hope. I’d tell you to find your tribe and find them earlier in your grief. It’s too hard to go it alone.

Oh, and that fierce sense of independence that you’re developing…that super-woman attitude where you can do every and anything by yourself…be careful. Yes, it’s great, but it will show up in your life later as a trauma response. It’s masking the helplessness that came with death and never wanting to feel that way again.

And finally, I’d tell you that you’ll find your joy. It won’t come easy and you’ll have to push through the guilt, fear, anger, insecurity and negative self-talk, but you’ll get there. Don’t ever apologize for having gotten to this place. You’ve certainly paid the price to get there!

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Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.