Can we please normalize widowed people dating, especially widows?
There continues to be this stigma that we either should wait an arbitrary amount of time or never date again to prove to friends, neighbors, family and even strangers that we are dutiful wives. We should be relying on the love we have for a spouse to get us through each day.
Well, guess what?
Love alone doesn’t cure the longing for someone to share our life with.
The love we carry for a late spouse doesn’t fill the need for companionship.
That love doesn’t always satisfy us on the days we long for someone to simply ask about our day. To offer a hug. To send flowers. To send a thoughtful text.
The same thoughts, feelings, urges and desires many in the single and divorced world experience are the same ones we go through upon losing a spouse or partner.
The wife who spent 10 years caring for her cancer-stricken spouse is deserving of new love should her heart desire it.
The fiancé, whose partner completed suicide, also has a right to move forward with her life, and for some, that includes dating.
And neither has to complete some illogical, random series of checklists before starting to date to make those around her comfortable.
Look disheveled in public? You get to date a month earlier than society dictates.
Share your grief across at least two social media platforms? You’re eligible to date before the kids turn 18.
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Please spare widowed folks your “appropriate” timelines for when we are allowed to date. There is no scripture, law, doctrine, rule, etc., commanding us to lock ourselves away while you or society deem us worthy of reengaging with the world.
The period of time widows and widowers wait before dating should be their decision – and theirs alone. That time also isn’t synonymous with the depth of the love they shared – and continue to have – for a late spouse.
Often, we receive such backlash and judgment for dating because society assumes we’ve forgotten our late spouse/partner.
Here’s a secret: We never forget we’re widowed. Ever. We’re reminded of it almost daily—whether filling in the gap in our children’s memory of their parent, dealing with in-laws, providing emergency contact information or paying a mortgage with both names on the statement, etc. So even if we’re dating 3 months or 30 months post-loss, I assure you, we still know we’re widowed.
Then the audacity to tell us to hide that side of our life as not to upset others. As if anyone was there on the nights our tears soaked our pillows. When we struggled with suicidal thoughts, wanting to be with our spouse. When the shower was our only place of solace . When we were broken to our core, not knowing if we could get through the hurt threatening to consume us. When the physical pain of our grief held us hostage. When the rawness of our loss made even breathing a chore…
We have made it to the other side of grief. We’ve earned every day of happiness and joy. We shouldn’t have to hide any aspect of our life or tuck them away not to ruffle feathers.
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Honestly, the only things you should have to offer/say to a widowed person who chooses to date are well wishes for happiness. Why not offer up a prayer that the person they are dating can help dull some of the hurt and pain they’ve had to endure? Why not wish them a lifetime of happiness, knowing the hell they’ve endured after burying a spouse much too soon. Why not celebrate their resiliency for pushing past the fear of potentially losing another partner? Why not be thankful they’ve been fortunate enough to have a new love who adores their children while honoring the role of their deceased parent?
In a world where you can be anything, please choose kindness. We didn’t wish for this widowed life. Widowhood is filled with challenges, both public and private. So please offer more support and less judgment. If you genuinely have nothing positive to say, we’ll take silence too.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
So true words
This piece spoke to my heart!
Thank you 🙏
I felt this to my core.
Thank you
Thank you for this wonderful missive. I’m 18 months out from the loss of my beloved husband to cancer. My new love is 9 months out from the loss of his wife to cancer. We consider ourselves to be so lucky to have found one another. We’ve told our children, but not in-laws yet. I’m closer to my late husband’s family then my own, and part of me is terrified of their reaction. I really hope they can come to see, though I loved their son/ brother with all my heart, I need someone in my life. I try again is scary as hell, but the thought of being alone for the rest of my life even more terrifying. I hope they can find a way to be happy for me.
Thank you for these words.
I was married 44 years to my husband when he died,I spent a year watching him suffer,taking the best care I could of him ,we had 2 beautiful, successful daughters together, he was my life,after he died I was so heart broken and exhausted I slept for 3 weeks, many nights I cried myself to sleep,thankfully I had a good spiritual life that help me get through ,finally after 7 years I met a man who had lost his wife and we connected and started dating,2 years ago we got married, we are happy, it’s hard being alone after your spouse passes away,it doesn’t mean you love them less or they didn’t mean that much to you,we were made to be social creatures, to have companionship,so if it’s 6 months or 7 years if you find someone to be with then do it,life is short,it’s usually the people whom have never experienced loss of a spouse that is so quick to judge and I’m sure it’s harder on younger widows and widowers,the Bible says nothing about how long we should wait ,It does say when our spouse dies we are free to marry,so if you know someone who has lost a spouse be kind dint judge and pray they find happiness!!!
There are so many and so much involved. To it all “What is going to make you happy going forward?” If you choose to date and have a partner again, it brings you happiness , pursue it! Is it a promise or pledge to remain single and you are happy with it , so be it. We live our lives based on Societal norms which shape our attitude towards life and we forget to “LIVE”. Our loves ones have moved on , they are never coming back in this world. We are still alive! lets live, I’ll bet with a different understanding of “Love” and companionship. We have a right to be happy once again and I’m sure wherever they are they would want the same for us – to be Happy.
WOW! Loved it and so true!!
How do you go on living a happy life after losing your spouse of 42 years ? How long does the pain and loneliness last?
Unfortunately, it never truly ends. You just kind of learn to live around your grief. So sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
I lost my beloved to cancer and recently was feeling like I may be ready to start dating again. It’s been several months since he passed and we were so young and happy together but I’m worried about how his family will react because they wanted me to be single forever and I know I can’t do that. I want companionship and love, I’m still young. I haven’t even hit middle age yet, I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life alone. Not when my desire to have someone in my life is so great. I just hope they’ll (his family) will be happy for me when I eventually am happy again.
I hope so too. From what I can tell over the years, the vast majority are super supportive!
I’m still in love with my friend who recently was widowed.
How soon is too soon. And i just want her to be happy again even if im not part of it
Check-in on her periodically. Give her space and allow her to take lead as far as what she wants from a friendship/more. She’ll need some time to work through the rawest parts of her grief though.
Danielle
Please don’t feel that you don’t have a right to be happy again, you will never forget your partner but you will learn to compartmentalize the past from the present. Just tell his family that much as you loved him you need to move on now and let them deal with it in their own way, they may not be happy but they’ll get used to it.
Never explain too much it’s your life live it, no one can heal your sorrow except you. I wish you all the happiness you deserve .
This is really helpful. It’s so confusing, not knowing when is appropriate to date, or even how to date.
I may not be a young widow at 64 but your articles provide great insight and comfort to this grieving Widow, thank you.
My story:-
I lost my husband of 35 years suddenly and unexpectedly at home December 5th 2020, it was a second marriage for both of us and we had reared our blended family of 9 children, his, hers, ours and one of theirs as well (my step sons child) together we had our fair share of ups and downs over the years but we loved each other and honoured our marriage vows ‘until death did us part”
I found myself saying those very words to my daughter’s when they confronted me later adding there was no clause in the wedding vows that added extra time after death, the words clearly state until death does us part. Their issue with me was I moved on “too soon” just 2 months after losing my husband I was asked out by a friend of a friend who I had met a few times, he had lost his wife some years before and I had known her too.
He is 69 and we just clicked, we are so comfortable together, we laugh, we have enjoyed a few trips together, we share mutual friends, we love to cook for each other and have been inseparable for the last 16 months however it has not been without it’s share of problems, my adult children struggled with me moving on and especially with how poorly I seem to have handled it, I think they would have preferred I kept it secret but given I didn’t have an affair behind my late husband’s back I really did not think I needed to keep it from them, nor my excitement at meeting someone special., naively I thought they would be happy for me, one has said “we are happy for you BUT…. Their upset has caused an added burden to my own grief and although some of them now accept this man is part of my life and my future my youngest daughter just can’t come to terms with it, I get her pain she lost her Dad and she is still finding that very difficult to come to terms with, and I know that because I too still grieve, sadly I am now denied the luxury of grieving with my family because they mistakenly seem to think because I have moved on my grieving has stopped, that could not be further from the truth. I love your line “we don’t forget we are Widows” we certainly don’t there are painful reminders everyday and sometimes the thought that I will never see him again takes my breath away and the tears flow again but having a new love does provide me another chance at life when I thought it was over and he is the one who is there for me in those moments of despair.
Julie 💔❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
It all started around. 2009 I met this girl and we became friends, we even became best friends. We constantly hang with her brother and sometimes other friend. She was caring,funny,adorable, like a warmth and sunshine in my eyes. We constantly text, i loved asking how her day was. Sometimes even drinking instant coffee with her was all i look forward too at the end of the day. Days turns to months and years you know the typical story. I secretly fall for her..
Come mid 2011, she met one of my childhood friend. They instantly click. After some months they became a couple. During those times i found excuses not to go out or hang with them even if its a group party, group dinner, gatherings. Heck we know the deal/explanation to that.. 2013 they got married, had a son. (I attended they are both my close friends)
As much as i dont want to admit it before, I was hurt (even if i don’t have any reason to be hurt from the start). But the same time, i was deeply happy for my best friend and my buddy. I was happy that she was happy.
Remember the saying “I would rather have her in my life as a friend, than not at all”.
Years go, when her husband or his brother(this brother is also one of my close friend and they live in the same big house) invites us for a drinks at weekend I usually attend it. Sometime I see her pass by while she’s taking care of her son. A simple nod, sometimes a Hi/How are you/Whats up. Then she’ll reply a few lines and gets on her way again. (Just a simple small chat. We’re friends and friends dont ignore one another when you see each other). Sometimes her son even teases me silly things before saying goodnight to his dad,uncle and all of us drinking buddies.
Come 2022, Her husband died of illness. The whole family was devasted. At the wake, I could not bare the sadness my friend was feeling. After mass, family members share memories and final goodbyes. I was holding back tears as much as I could. Hers was last, the moment she cried while trying to finish her sentence. I cried..
Tears fell, for the life of my buddy who was lost due to fucking cancer. The the parents who I cant imagine outliving your son. Siblings losing a brother. A young son, losing his father. And a wife losing the love of her life..
During those days, deep inside i want to check up on my friend. Even a simple text or chat. As much as my heart would like to ask/check on her constantly. My mind is trying to stop what my heart would like to do.
There are thoughts in my mind like. Maybe there are limits to how much a friend should care. I don’t have any rights to constantly check on her. She would be irritated at constantly talking to me after all her husband just died recently. Why am I trying to show that I still care now? Why? Why?
So sometimes I just ask others, how the family and my friend is dealing with the grief. Or a simple “how are they”?
So I’m doing what I was doing before. I’m just loving her from a distance..
I lost my husband to Cancer on Valentine’s Day. He was, is and always will be the love of my life. I miss him dearly and still cry because I miss him so badly. However I have met a man who is sweet, attentive, caring and loving just like my husband. He has brought love and happiness back into my life again. Some of my family is not good with it they think I have moved on too soon. I understand their feelings but I know my husband wanted me to go on we spoke about it. He would be happy knowing I am not alone and have found happiness again. I will love & miss him until the day I die. I never thought I could go on without him but you never know until you’ve been in the same position.
Sorry for your loss. Glad you’ve found happiness again
What about children feeling neglected? Even if they really aren’t.
I think it’s having an open line of communication with children. Depending on the age, they may feel they are being left out. A great solution could be to schedule “Mommy & Me” dates that you don’t break. They know they have a standing date with you each week and more likely to be open to your dating.
This helped so much. I lost my loving wife barely 3 months ago to non alcoholic cirrhosis. It’s a horrible disease and I don’t wish it on anyone. I have a small support group around me mainly from work and my family. Her family only tolerates me because of our two young kids. I didn’t think I was ready to start dating again but I ran into a old friend from work and she offered to talk to me and be supportive. Someone who wasn’t close to me or my wife and we realized how much we truly cared for each other. We’ve told friends at work and my family but not the in laws or our kids. She has two kids the same age difference as mine which is ironic. My son is 11 and daughter turned 2 the week before my wife passed away. I still have a lot of love for her and keep wanting to back off on the new relationship but something keeps pushing me to keep it going. I don’t want to be alone forever but not sure how the kids will take the new relationship this soon. I will never forget my late wife my daughter is a spitting image of her attitude and all. I just don’t know how everyone else will react with it being this soon,I planned on waiting a year or two but things happen for a reason we’ll never understand. This blog really opened my eyes to a lot of what I’ve been going through.
So glad it was helpful, Justin. I just caution to be sure you’ve given yourself time to get through the super raw stages of grief and be mindful of creating space your children also need to grieve. Take the time to process those feelings – they can sneak back up if not addressed. Maybe take things slow with the new person until you and your children are in a healthy space. Best wishes. Hugs on your loss.