I’ll be the first to admit that as I’ve gotten older, my music is limited to classics from the ‘90s. But as a form of mindless entertainment, I read gossip blogs. I wasn’t familiar with rapper King Von nor his music, but I did read about his untimely death in November 2020 and whispered a silent prayer for those he left behind.

It was on one of those gossip blogs that I came across a tweet from his partner, Asian Doll: “I’m at the final stage of grief. I’m so ready for my new life.”

I shook my head.

I didn’t do it out of disgust, but more out of sadness. I, too, felt finally accepting my husband was no longer going to walk through the front door meant my grief was behind me. I had also fallen for the lie that is the “Five Stages of Grief.” It wasn’t until I circled back to anger, then to bargaining, that I realized the steps weren’t linear. After beating myself up for not moving smoothly through each stage, I did some research only to learn those “Five Stages of Grief” were never designed for the loved ones who are left behind. They were developed by Elisabeth Kubler Ross to describe the emotions terminally ill patients go through leading up to their death.

Asian Doll, I know every journey is different. Even though we both lost the love of our life to a sudden death, our paths are not the same. You may have done the work to get to the place where you’re ready for your new life. I don’t dispute that. I only caution you to be ready for the days where your grief flares up. It doesn’t respect time or the fact you’re moving forward.

Be kind to yourself and don’t think you’re “widowing” wrong on the days your grief waves threaten to take you out to sea. I once read grief is the price we pay for love. You will forever grieve the loss of King Von. Some days the grief is a tiny whisper, and other days it’s like the bass in a hip-hop song demanding your attention.

Though you may genuinely believe you’re done with your grief, the sad reality is grief determines when it’s done with you – if ever. I’ve been widowed almost nine years, and though for the most part, I’m not actively grieving, some days practically bring me to my knees. It’s a memory…a song…a stranger who reminds me of him…it’s nothing…it’s everything.

Again, this is your path, but I don’t want you to be blindsided should you come face-to-face with your grief even after you’ve left this “final stage.”

I also want you to know grieving doesn’t mean you cannot embrace all life still has to offer. You and your grief can coexist. You don’t have to close off the love you carry for a late spouse or partner to be present post-loss. It’s not an either-or situation. You can travel while grieving, start a new hobby while grieving, date while grieving, and most importantly, live while grieving.

I hope you’ll realize you don’t have to be strong all the time or go it alone. Grief is exhausting, especially in the first few years. Practice lots of self-care – whether through therapy or being with others who understand your loss. Nowadays, there are many more resources, especially for those who lose a partner at a young age.

Grief is indescribable; however, the closest description I’ve come up with is:

Losing a spouse is the equivalent of a massive ball of soot exploding in your life. The dust gets on everything…you, your children, your finances, your photos, your home…everything. It blurs your memory and clouds your future. It blinds you, making you unsure of which path is best for you or best for your children. It suffocates you, leaving you breathless and wanting to give up. It seeps into your pores and affects your health – mentally and physically. It changes your children. It divides your life into the before and after.

I wish you love and light as you continue to heal from your devastating loss. While I know there isn’t a “final” stage of grief, I do know it is survivable and there can be life after loss – even as you carry the pain of a loss in your heart.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.