When you exchanged vows, you never imagined in just a few short years you’d be saying goodbye to your spouse for the last time. Whether death blindsided you or it announced its pending arrival, it just wasn’t enough time. No one ever truly makes peace with losing a piece of their heart.
Maybe your marriage wasn’t quite the Hallmark story you wanted it to be, but he was your person. There was still love through the arguments and fighting – so deep and passionate that his death brought you to your knees.
Regardless if you jumped into the dating pool right away, gave your heart some time to heal, or swore you’d go to your grave never loving another partner, here you are falling – and falling hard – for this new person in your life. You’re now face-to-face with the conflicting emotions so many widowed people face when loving post-loss.
No, You’re Not Having an Affair
It’s a hard pill to swallow at times, but the interruption to life as you knew it confirms your spouse is no longer here. Yet, the butterflies you get in your love interest’s presence make you feel as though you’re involved in an adulterous affair. Please know you’ve fulfilled your vows: until death do you part. As horrible as that realization is, it’s true.
You’re not violating the love you shared with your late spouse. Your marriage is a chapter in the story that is the totality of your life. You’ve already written all there is to write in that love story. You can’t undo any of the pages, and sadly, you can no longer add to it. It’s a beautiful work of art that has been completed. You can re-read the chapters, bookmark your favorite pages, or even share the stories it contains, but you can’t alter the ending. You don’t get to add that you cheated after he died – not physically or emotionally.
The heart truly expands, allowing you to carry that story while leaving room for new chapters in the story of your life to be written.
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It’s Not a Betrayal of Your Love
We honor our late spouses by living, and for some, that involves dating. Please don’t beat yourself up or view your moving forward as a betrayal. Do you know the widow balls it takes to be open to love after being widowed? Do you know how brave you have to be to take a chance on love knowing another phone call can upend your life? Push through the guilt, fears and uncertainties. Instead, focus on all you’ve overcome – whether on your own, through God’s grace, or under the guidance of a trained professional. Give yourself grace and credit. It’s not about betrayal; it’s being true to the possibilities of what YOU want life to look like post-loss. The YOU who is still alive with feelings and desires of the heart.
Also, don’t confuse loyalty to your late spouse with self-sabotage. You deserve to have the happiness and joy that comes with loving and being loved in return – even if you’ve already experienced it. You are worthy of companionship, love, and a second shot of happily ever after.
As a widow so rightly said, “Love isn’t like a pie with finite pieces to go around.” Your loving post-loss takes absolutely nothing away from the love you carry for a late spouse. It’s not either-or (read that again). You get to love both your spouse and a new love equally and wholly without one taking from the other to exist.
Yes, People Will Talk – So What?
Whether you choose to date three months or three years post-loss, someone will have something to say. So why not follow your heart since they’ll talk about your choices anyway? No one – not even another widowed person – gets to dictate how you move forward with your life, especially when you’re dating and loving from a healthy place.
You endure the toll of climbing into an empty bed each night. You nurture grieving children as they cry for their father. You continue to be faced with the aftermath of widowhood – sometimes daily. That’s why YOU are the only person who gets to determine when and how you let romantic love into your life.
Don’t dim your light to make others comfortable. After all the sadness and pain, you’re entitled to sing your happiness from the mountain top. Those who choose to see your newfound love as an insult to your late spouse have never loved and lost. That’s not your burden to carry. Find peace in knowing you know the truth, and ultimately, that’s all that matters.
But I Don’t Want to Forget
There’s an expression that says, “You never forget the way someone makes you feel.” So while you may forget the details of the trip taken early in your marriage, you’ll never forget the way your late spouse made you feel or the special bond you share.
You are not “erasing” memories by loving again. Your late spouse, the relationship, and subsequent marriage played a role in the person you are today. You are the sum of the life shared together. He is very much a part of who you are, and even as you change over the years, you’ll always carry bits and pieces of him.
And, when a widow puts her heart on the line again, it most likely is with someone who understands she has loved and lost. Conversations about a late spouse or partner aren’t dismissed due to jealousy or overlooked as not “getting over it.” The right person will acknowledge your late spouse is forever a part of your life (and your children’s) and not feel threatened by the mere mention of a name.
Am I Still Lovable?
Yes, your world might have been shattered, but you’ve put yourself back together layer by layer. Just because you’re different now doesn’t mean you’re a lesser version of your pre-widowed self. In fact, many widows find they are more badass, independent, fearless, determined, and take-no-nonsense.
You’re taking a chance on love when so many are afraid to risk it all again. You’re pushing through the conflicting emotions. You’re stepping out of your safety zone and trusting your heart. What’s not to love?
You might also be questioning your worth since you’ve changed physically since you first met your late spouse. But think of how much you’ve grown mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. And truth be told, unless you’re a cougar, anyone you’re dating at this stage has gone through many of the typical changes associated with aging. Plus, a new partner clearly approves of your appearance or there would be no declaration of love. So, please quiet the self-doubt and know you are worthy of being loved—all of you.
While “Chapter 2” love stories sadly end for various reasons, don’t let your fear of loving again cause a perfect love story to be omitted from your life’s story.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
Thankyou Kerry, I lost my hubby of 30 years almost a year ago and I am afraid to love and lose now. I feel all of the emotions you mention in your carefully, correctly worded article here and I appreciate where you are coming from on multiple levels. I hope to see more of your work as it is very pertinent, again, Thankyou xx
Thanks, Sue. So sorry for your loss. Happy to know my words resonated with you.
An insightful, reassuring & helpful article. Also hearing other widows experiences helps you to realise you’re not alone. My husband died of leukaemia at age 44, I was 46, we were married for 20 years. Grieving isn’t easy but having hope & people around has been so important. I’ve been with my new boyfriend for 9 months, he loves me, I care deeply for him & hope one day I’ll be brave enough to love him as the thought of loosing another partner one day is terrifying.
Glad it was helpful, Jo. I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your new partner.
I lost my husband of 31 1/2 Yeats soon to be 3 years ago. I have found someone completely unexpected and I surely did not see coming but we have truly connected and he is not threatened by the memory of my late husband. I have felt evey emotion you mentioned and almost most pushed him away. Even still feel guilty at times. But reading this has helped me so much! I not saying that guilt won’t raise its head from time to time , but I can only push thorough it and know that I have not dishonored him in anyway by opening myself up to the possibility of being able to love again.
Lost my wife of 22 years 22 years ago. I have been in 3 relationships since the one I’m in now has been for 11years, and still haven’t been able to say the three words to any of them “I love you”. What is wrong with me, please help.
Nothing is wrong with you. If you’re feeling it, say it. Life is precious so you might as well live out loud.
Eloquently said as always.
Thanks 🙂
I’m I a long distance relationship with a widow,he promised his kids he will never remarry,I’m 56yrs and he is 68yrs,now he fears telling his kids that he wants me permanently also fears loosing me as he can’t stop thinking about me,his is deeply depressed and his mind is overwhelmed by fear.
It’s unfortunate that he is delaying his happiness due to his kids. I hope he finds the strength to follow his heart.
I’m almost 4 years post loss. After 20 years together, I found myself 35 years old, 2 young children in a life I did not ask for. I met my now fiance after 5 months, and did I ever hear the talking. But life is great I am so glad I opened my heart again. I’ll forever love and miss my husband as will my kids but it is definitely worth the chance.
I actually am glad I read this cause I am in a very similar situation I lost my husband 8 months ago today and now I have had someone talk me and I have many mixed feelings but this help put a lot insight into
I needed this today! Struggling that I am in love again and it feels wonderful. Hard to imagine that this is bad. I am a good woman, mom, grandma and a great sister to two wonderful best friends and two wonderful brothers!. Ty for this loving perspective on living and loving again!💜
I am 28 years old and I lost my spouse 7 months ago . reading this article makes me have HOPE that there is some happiness out there for me. All the points you are making are exactly how I feel. Losing my dear husband due to cancer has taught me so much about who I am and one thing is for sure I know what real love is and how to love someone unconditionally. Thank you for article, truly inspirational .
Sorry for your loss, Ira. I think hope is the one thing that kept me going! Glad the article was worthwhile.
Is it wrong to still care?
It all started around. 2009 I met this girl and we became friends, we even became best friends. We constantly hang with her brother and sometimes other friend. She was caring,funny,adorable, like a warmth and sunshine in my eyes. We constantly text, i loved asking how her day was. Sometimes even drinking instant coffee with her was all i look forward too at the end of the day. Days turns to months and years you know the typical story. I secretly fall for her..
Come mid 2011, she met one of my childhood friend. They instantly click. After some months they became a couple. During those times i found excuses not to go out or hang with them even if its a group party, group dinner, gatherings. Heck we know the deal/explanation to that.. 2013 they got married, had a son. (I attended they are both my close friends)
As much as i dont want to admit it before, I was hurt (even if i don’t have any reason to be hurt from the start). But the same time, i was deeply happy for my best friend and my buddy. I was happy that she was happy.
Remember the saying “I would rather have her in my life as a friend, than not at all”.
Years go, when her husband or his brother(this brother is also one of my close friend and they live in the same big house) invites us for a drinks at weekend I usually attend it. Sometime I see her pass by while she’s taking care of her son. A simple nod, sometimes a Hi/How are you/Whats up. Then she’ll reply a few lines and gets on her way again. (Just a simple small chat. We’re friends and friends dont ignore one another when you see each other). Sometimes her son even teases me silly things before saying goodnight to his dad,uncle and all of us drinking buddies.
Come 2022, Her husband died of illness. The whole family was devasted. At the wake, I could not bare the sadness my friend was feeling. After mass, family members share memories and final goodbyes. I was holding back tears as much as I could. Hers was last, the moment she cried while trying to finish her sentence. I cried..
Tears fell, for the life of my buddy who was lost due to fucking cancer. The the parents who I cant imagine outliving your son. Siblings losing a brother. A young son, losing his father. And a wife losing the love of her life..
During those days, deep inside i want to check up on my friend. Even a simple text or chat. As much as my heart would like to ask/check on her constantly. My mind is trying to stop what my heart would like to do.
There are thoughts in my mind like. Maybe there are limits to how much a friend should care. I don’t have any rights to constantly check on her. She would be irritated at constantly talking to me after all her husband just died recently. Why am I trying to show that I still care now? Why? Why?
So sometimes I just ask others, how the family and my friend is dealing with the grief. Or a simple “how are they”?
I think it’s okay to check in our her periodically – not to the point of overwhelming her though. Give her time and space to process her grief.
God bless you daughter–I love you.
This rings so true although another feeling that this article didn’t cover is that the absolutely immense hurt and physical pain your heart and body taka at the lose of the love of your life has made me hypersensitive to that pain again I can’t possibly love like that again cause I can’t hurt like that again either it will literally kill me
I’m 35 years old and I lost my husband of 7 years (been together 15years ) 6months ago and I have never felt pain like it I thought if I did ever meet someone i would be a betrayal of mine and my husbands relationship but I have found myself getting close to someone I always saw as a friend but felt guilty for having feelings for him but reading this has made me feel a whole lot better I’m not saying I’m going to jump into a relationship with him but I now feel its not a betrayal of what me and my husband had I will always love my husband but I now feel I can let someone else into my life and my heart but there will always be room in there for my husband
Thank you so much for this article it’s helped me so much
I struggle with the am I still lovable?. Dating is different . I think I’m so use to committing that I go all in . I had to not go all in . I had to learn my worth and let someone put forth they best effort with me . Great Read.
Wow I love this. My husband of 18 years took his own life 4 years ago and I’ve not wanted to think about meeting anybody else due to the immense guilt I feel as not preventing this. I struggle with the idea of betrayal which you have really brilliantly talked about here. I’m 45, so not young!, but still the thought of spending the right of my life on my own is not something that I particularly look forward to but the struggle is coming to terms with the immense bond I had with my husband and then my future. I love love love the way you have talked about this – thank you so much for these words. They are massively important.
Big hugs on your loss, Anna. Happy the blog was helpful. I think your struggles are the same ones so many of us face. It’s definitely a balancing act. I try to remind myself my moving forward includes dating and that the heart expands. I’m not leaving my love for my late spouse behind. It gets to reside in my heart even as I make room for someone else.
So love the way you have explained it all. The expanding heart etc thank you
I needed to read this. I’m that widow who found and trying to love again.
I fell in love with a widow more than 13 months ago, approximately 18 months after her late husband committed suicide.
She and I have become best of friends and have formed a solid relationship. We both have expressed a desire to date each other and we both agree that there is a special bond between the two of us. She has said often that given this bond and the chemistry between us that it would not be fair to pursue this relationship.
The issue is that we start to date and then she backs away. Then a few weeks later we are dating again. She recently confided in me that she is afraid of love and that she is not sure if she wants love or if she is ready for love.
I adore this woman. I love this woman fully. I keep reading articles regarding how to support and date a widow. I read your article to help me better understand what she may be experiencing.
Have you written articles on how to support a widow or what to possibly expect? Being with her has been a roller coaster of emotions for us both and our on again/off again relationship is difficult to handle at times. I am supportive of her and have no plans to be anything but patient with her as she goes through her grieving process. I love her. I am trying to better educate myself so that I can better support her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I’ve heard positive things about this book, Frank: https://www.amazon.com/how-date-widow-John-Polo/dp/1706475454
Thank you. I will read it.
Regards,
Frank
Brilliant read, just what I needed right now, thank you 😊
Thank you. I will read it.
Regards,
Frank no
Okay ….wonderful article written that covers all the important questions about moving forward after a tragic loss . My wife has been gone over 12 years now ….her last 6 months before she died were very hard ….but we fought the cancer together !! She made me promise to find another …..which I did , 15 months after her passing ! At the time I thought I had it made ….new future ….2nd chance at happiness….finding another love would ease the pain of what happened in the past. And it did for a while but unfortunately I got lazy and didn’t do enough to keep our relationship strong …..after 7 years we parted ways…..that was almost 4 years ago!! I’ve done a lot of soul searching since then…bound and determined to find another soul mate ….the Covid pandemic didn’t help matters with things closed down !! Gave me a chance to focus on myself….found out being alone is not a terrible thing to go through ! Still grieving the loss of my wife …..most days are good …..life goes on .Also grieving the loss of my 2nd chance at love ….but to a lesser extent . Nowadays I still have hope that there is another out there for me ….my whole life has been that I have always had someone to lean on ….a partner in crime so to speak ….a light at the end of the tunnel…mostly a dark tunnel these last 4 years ….any glimmer of light is appreciated ! Not sure if sharing this will help someone ….but therapeutic for me nonetheless !!
I love that you’ve done some lots of soul searching and still are hopeful your next love story! Such a great attitude to have.
I am 33 and my husband of 8 years passed away two months ago. We were together for 17 years. Highschool sweethearts. He loved me so much and I’m scared no one will ever love me like he did. Thank you for this article because I feel a lot of guilt and this truly helps
I found this article right when I needed to hear it. 5yrs ago I lost my husband. Am I am finding out that my MIL wants his ashes back because the family feels I moved on to quick. I don’t feel the need to go in to our lives, what problems we had, and how my love will never die for him. I have felt guilt, I have felt like I disappointed him, and like I wasn’t allowed to let myself move on. It’s reassuring to read that I am okay to love another. Okay to be happy. Thank you
Im inlove with my friend way before but just didn’t do anything until she married my friend. Now she just recently became a widow.
I know its not right to dwell on my feelings, but I cant help and care for her during her griefing phase.
My heart would like to constanly ask her if she’s doing alright. My mind is struggling to give her space.
Yes, please give her the space she needs to grieve. It’s also okay to check in with her though.
Same situation. I want to be there to support her. Like crutches to an injured person. I want to be with her, help her when she needs. For her to be ok again. And when she doesn’t need those crutches anymore and can walk on her own. Those crutches with all of its pieces, would not mind and still be happy for her that she’s now ok
Same situation. I want to be there to support her. Like crutches to an injured person. I want to be with her, help her when she needs. For her to be ok again. And when she doesn’t need those crutches anymore and can walk on her own. Those crutches with all of its pieces, would not mind and still be happy for her that she’s now ok
Hi Kerry
I lost my spouse tragically this past Oct he was fighting a silent battle with PTSD after serving 22 years in the Canadian Armed Forces. We had a beautiful live story and he was one of a kind. We have an 8 year old son and 5 older children 2 are his and 3 are mine. We were together for 14 wonderful years raised our older kids and have a passionate love for eachother that I still gush about. I really feel slot if the things you write about and wonder how to get past feeling like I am betraying my spouse to one day have love in my life. Everything you speak about I have thought at one point or another. I know it will take time but I am trying to manifest a new life that honours my late spouses memory and will bring me a partner who will do that with me. Thank you for writting this piece it really was helpful.
Hi Marisa,
So sorry for your loss. I’m so glad the blog post resonated with you. I’m more than 10 years out, and there are times I still struggle with the guilt – even though I know it makes no sense. If you’re not already a member of the online support group connected to the blog: Support Group: Young, Widowed and Dating on Facebook, please consider joining. I think seeing others navigating love after loss will definitely be helpful.
Thank you so much. I had so many doubts about loving again. I thought Its too early as people would say but the truth is that I miss to be loved again. I rejected so many people and I think I’m ready now. This article gave me a reason to try the love journey again.
So glad it was helpful!
My boyfriend/partner/best friend/husband-in-all-aspects-just-without-the-ceremony of 10 years passed away 4 and a half years ago. He was 39, and took his own life. I have had a really really hard time with it. I’ve accepted that I’m to blame for not having been able to prevent it. And I still miss him so much.
I have since tried to have relationships and they seem to fail. It’s just not a fit, but I’ve tried.
That said, something happened over the past few weeks: I’ve been working more often with a guy at work and while I’m in no way falling for this guy (he is so much younger than me – I’m 44 – it’s ridiculous) I’ve noticed that I’m getting along with him really well and the work just flows because he shares this character trait that I’ve only ever found in my boyfriend. He is genuinely nice, like really really nice without any self interest, nothing, just super sweet. And believe me, I’ve seen “I’m nice so you’ll like me” out there so I can tell the difference.
Here’s the dilemma: I want to move forward and find somebody new and now I’m wondering to myself do I like these really sweet guys because it’s a trait that I find attractive and want in a guy or is it just the memory and grief trying to get the past back? How can you tell the difference? Truth is I’ve missing this “super sweet and nice” and suddenly coming across it was really surprising.