There seems to be a misconception about widowed people who remarry, or even date post-loss. Society thinks the heartache, tears, grief, and sadness magically disappear when we allow someone else to take up space in our hearts.

It might not be said as blatantly as telling a widow(er) that he or she seems “over the loss” (though some think this is an appropriate comment to make to someone who watched as a spouse took a final breath). Instead, it’s more subtle, “…but I thought you were happy with XYZ.”

Let me say this loudly for the folks in the back: There is no new love, relationship or person that makes widowed people forget they loved and lost. There aren’t enough first dates to wipe away memories tucked in the recesses of our hearts. There isn’t enough passion to erase the happiest of days that existed with a late spouse. There isn’t enough of anything to wipe away a slate filled with holidays, parenting, vacations, and unfulfilled plans for the future.

Though my heart has expanded to let in more love, it never truly healed in the sense that I no longer miss my late spouse. There’s still a sore spot that exists 8+ years later. A place that aches a bit hearing his name, recalling a treasured moment, or seeing his favorite sports team.

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As amazing as my new guy is, he was never designed to fit into that spot. That spot will always belong to the man who came before him. But he has carved out his own place in my heart – coordinates that belong to him and him alone.

There is no competition.

My past is just as much a part of me as is my present. I can love my new partner with every fiber of my being while simultaneously missing my late spouse. I shouldn’t be asked to choose one or the other. No widow(er) should. Being happily involved in a new relationship doesn’t mean there aren’t days when you feel overwhelmed by your grief. Where you wish you didn’t carry the weight of widowhood. Where you cry in the shower because you miss his voice. Where you hurt for your children’s loss. Where you long for one last chance to say goodbye…

For those who don’t understand these conflicting emotions, I pray you never do.

I do want you to know, however, that the tears shed for a late spouse aren’t an indicator of our current level of happiness. The intensity of a grief wave isn’t a yardstick measuring the depth of our love for a new partner. The sadness that may wash over us during important milestones doesn’t reflect an inability to move forward.

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Regardless of who is in a widowed person’s heart or bed, there will always be a level of grief that remains. It has become a part of who they are post-loss.

We can date again.

We can still think about our husbands and wives who have died.

We can be romantically involved.

We can still love a late spouse.

We can get married.

We can still feel sad about being widowed.

We can be madly in love with a new man/woman.

We can still be brought to tears by the memory of a spouse.

All these statements can be accurate, and they can be true at the very same time. Each clause is independent of the next. It’s not one or none.

Please don’t use my grief to determine the health of my relationship or assess if my happiness level correlates with how much I miss a deceased spouse.

Yes, I am happy.

Yes, I still miss him.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.