There have been many articles written about dating someone who has lost a spouse. You’ll hear about our heart expanding to let more love in, and how we’ve learned a deeper appreciation for love and life. Those are all facts.
But, there are also a few additional factors that may come into play. Things your family and/or friends may encourage you to walk away from. However, I hope you’ll take the time to see the widow you’re interested in dating as more than her loss. We’re so much more than our marital status.
Here are a few tips for dating a widow:
Children
If she’s widowed with minor children, she may tend to be overly protective of her babies who are mourning. She may move at a pace that seems much slower than the people you’ve dated in the past. Her children are grieving the loss of their other parent; therefore, a widow will move mountains to be sure they don’t experience the heartbreak of another loss – even if it’s just the end of a relationship. Be open and honest in terms of your plan for a future together. If you’re not looking to invest in the relationship, please don’t disturb the widow’s heart.
Independence
More than likely, she’s had to go it alone for some time. Her sounding board died, and the friend(s) she counted on for advice may have found her grief too much to shoulder and ended the relationship. She’s all she has. She’s learned to trust her gut and make difficult decisions on her own. Please extend her a bit of grace if she doesn’t include you in her decisions, even as the relationship becomes serious. She’s earned a few battle scars in getting to a place of being confident in her choices. It could take a bit of time for her to welcome your feedback and unsolicited advice. It will take establishing trust and showing her that you have her back. Once she lets her guard down, I beg of you to not break your promises.
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The “Ghost”
Our lives are a combination of the people we’ve met and our experiences. The very person you stand before – the one you want to date… love…have a future with – is who she is because of the person who came before you. To ask that she not grieve or love her late-spouse is unconscionable. He isn’t a threat to your relationship. It’s not a competition for her heart. Please understand that she’ll probably grieve forever. You may have to hold her as she comforts her son as he cries about missing his dad. You may have to love her through a “grief wave.” It comes with dating a widow. We can love those we lost without taking anything away from the love for those we have. The reality is our late-partners may not even be a good match for the person we’ve become post-loss. The woman she is at this very moment chooses you!
Her Tribe
Widowhood is isolating. Even with family and friends in your corner, it’s a lonely experience. Hopefully, the person you’re dating has been fortunate enough to find a place of support within the widowed community – her tribe. Her fellow widows and widowers have been her rock during some of her darkest moments. As much as you want to be the only person she turns to when the magnitude of her loss crashes down, please allow her the time she needs with her tribe. Don’t take it personally if she just needs to vent to people who “get it.” Being with her “wids” doesn’t mean she’s stuck in the past or that she doesn’t love you. It’s actually quite healing to be with others. They’ll serve as a reminder there can be happiness even while grieving. You may also find those in her tribe become your biggest cheerleaders and supporters of your budding love story.
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The In-laws
Some in-law relationships end even before the funeral. For others, a spouse’s death brings everyone closer. Her in-laws may consider her family, even after the loss of their son, brother, etc. If the widow you’re dating is blessed enough to still be included in her in-laws’ lives, I hope you’ll reconsider any negative feelings you may have. There can never be too many people in your life who love and support you. Plus, if she has children, it’s especially important to preserve those bonds. If her in-laws truly love her, they’ll support and even encourage her decision to move forward. And for many widows, that includes dating. They don’t see you as a threat to their son. They just want their daughter-in-law to be happy. Her love for her in-laws takes nothing away from the amazing relationship that is possible with your parents.
Social Media
Despite all the negativity that’s often associated with social media, it’s been cathartic for many in the widowed community. It’s been a place to connect with others and share our struggles and triumphs. Some in the widowed community opt not to include anything about their loss on social media (that’s perfectly okay). Others choose to acknowledge anniversaries, birthday, and other significant milestones while others share lots of family photos and articles related to loss. Please know that the latter group isn’t “stuck” or refusing to move forward. I understand it may at times feel unsettling to see someone you’re dating post about the pain of losing a spouse. Grief isn’t something that ends. We might have had the most wonderful time with you on Monday, but a song or a movie triggered our grief on Tuesday. Grief is tricky like that. It has no respect for how happy we may be. It shows up unannounced and demands to be acknowledged. Please don’t use our social media account as a measurement of our grief or our ability to date post-loss.
This article only begins to scratch the surface of dating a widow. Yes, our love may be a bit more complicated at times, but we bring so much more to a relationship besides our grief. Being widowed and having had a beautiful love story – or, a not so beautiful one – doesn’t take away our ability to begin a new story – filled with love, wisdom, gratitude, appreciation and endless possibilities.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
You’ve done it again!
Perfection
Kerry Phillips is consistent in her deep ability to articulate what widows are going through in a way that maintains our grace and poise. Thank you Kerry, Michelle Hoffmann TheWidowGuide.com
I have been dating a widow who lost her husband a little over 4 years ago to suicide.
Furthermore two of her three children have autism, one of which is nonverbal.
The immediate sense of tragedy can be overwhelming.
However I am pleased to share with you that this story has a happy ending.
Not only have we fallen madly in love with each other and continue to do so each and every day, I have never felt a greater sense of purpose in my life. Not only do I have the satisfaction of knowing I make a difference for her, the impact I have on her children and the joy it brings is unparalleled.
Don’t get me wrong it’s challenging at times but as someone once said, “the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory”
Furthermore her strength is a force to be reckoned with and her experience makes putting up with me a piece of cake. I am so grateful to have found her.
What’s best is that we get to be a living example of how no matter what happens in life there really can always be a happy ending.
Love this! So glad you found each other and are bringing joy into each others’ lives. All the best for 2022 and beyond!
I just shared this with my new man of 8 months. His response:. “Yeah I know all of this. It takes observation and trying to understand.”. It’s certainly not easy to navigate a relationship with a widow and it’s not easy to navigate a new relationship post loss. It is worth the effort though. Thanks for addressing all this, especially the social media and in law piece.
Let the dead be dead and focus on the living. Everybody dies. Nobody can control when!
Hope you don’t lose a spouse or partner!
Though you’ve made a valid point “everyone dies, no body can control when” but the presentation was a bit insensitive.
Yes, I do agree on this points she wrote but i think that we have to start talking more on moving on. While the points mention are issues but our ability to deal with it should be more a discussion.
Why do widowers seem as if they move on quicker? I don’t think it’s because they don’t have past, I think they strive to live on the present and reality which to builds the faith that is required. Unlike widows our fears, imaginations, assumptions and expectations attacks our faith and Will and builds a bridge so that women in widowhood can begin to deal with our thought process. It’s the lines in the article that some widows in trying to justify their crown on best widow, most loving wife, mother and Christ like feels confident as some get stuck in fear with very little trying to cut off the shackles.
While these issues and more exist, throwing “a head of a dead man thrown into his dish” according to the Spanish proverb will certainly scare him away.
That doesn’t mean her past cannot clean off like a teacher cleans off her last lesson. It’s engrave in our Social DNA.
As a widow I look at my future is not moving on but moving forward. Going forward means that I am leaving the past in the past but it’s there forever. Moving on just means you forget about everything that happened. I like to think I am moving forward. It has only been almost a year since my husband passed away. I have dated, hung out with other men and I feel as if I am able to be a more whole person because of the love I had with my wonderful husband. He is in one “box” and that’s where my life with him; in the other box is my future relationships and my ability to give love again in life someday when it happens.
Marty I pray you never have to go through this. If it were that easy, nobody would mourn. Clearly you are the type of man a widow should stay far away from!
Was that comment really necessary? In the macro sense, you are correct. Everyone dies. But when your 10 year child loses their mom at 44, let the dead be dead and focus on the living is an asinine statement.
What a gross and ill-informed comment. I hope you don’t have to learn first hand what it is like to have a whole future ahead of you with someone you chose to spend it with only to have them ripped out of your life with no explanation or closure, especially at a young age.
Marty, you seem like a coldhearted idiot. I feel sorry for you.
Kerry, thank you for being amazing again
Omg,thus sums up how I feel sometimes being a young widow with young children and dati g again.
Thank you! Been dating a widow for almost 2 years and this is spot on. It takes a unique person to move forward after such a loss, and just as unique a person to love someone who’s gone through that.
What are you doing on this site- widow trolling?
Bob. So true. What a great person you are
I wish I could hand this out on a ” First Date ” 🙂
I was thinking the exact same thing!!!
It’s not about the relationship, it’s about looking out or relating to them. As a man who talks to or dates a widow. I’m here to comfort her, let her know that her scares are ours. I can go on and on about me or us, but in the end her feelings matter. I love you and all that you go through. A person that loves two people is a person that’s worth holding on to you. We talk about him, we laugh about the crazy stuff. In the end, I do love them. I will keep his life and meroiit alive. N
This widower couldn’t agree more with everything presented in this article. When I started dating again at age 47 I was scared as ever. I should mention that I was one of those people who said they were not going to date again. Then I got a text from a close friend of the family who wanted me to consider dating this woman they knew. She lived 600 miles away from me and she was 40 and never married. I was thinking who in their right mind would give this completely broken guy with 2 – school age daughters (one of which has Autism) the time of day. This lady (Tamela) did.
I remember a phone conversation one night after our blind date and she asked me if I would love her as much as I did my late wife (Darlene). My response was “No, I’ll love you every bit as much as I loved Darlene and more. Since loss I take nothing for granted anymore. Since loss I live for life and not a job or status. I’ll love you more. ”
To anyone on the fence about dating a widowed person remember this: we know what a good relationship is, our spouses passed away – we didn’t give up and get a divorce.
Thank you for your comment.
I’m having a hard enough time getting over a sudden accident, and trying to balance the lives of 3 teenagers & one 9 yr old, then work & in laws -grandparents. It happened where I went out with a few nurses from work I was convicted tDid enough time pass, I felt like having company would be ok.
Yes, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Be sure to save time for self-care.
It’s been a year and a half for me and I haven’t been able to start thinking about dating seriously. Grieving a spouse is a time when we get split wide open, dismantling everything we knew and have to ask ourselves who we are now that the one person we became one flesh with is no longer a part of all the important moments, big and small, of our experience. But all that Kerry says resonates with all the things that have gone through my mind when the time comes I for me to start dating. My biggest question would be how one even begins dating after 29 years of marriage with two grieving teens.
Just be patient with yourself, Mary. Dating has changed a lot since then. Do some research and reading to learn about common dating traps like love bombing and scammers. I think the key is to just keep an open mind.
One of the things I had to realize/accept as someone dating a widow is that I am not a consolation prize. I kept seeing myself as ‘well, your lovely, amazing partner died so now you get me.’ i learned (and it was through conversation because I am blessed with a communicative/open/honest love) that yes, her relationship with her spouse was wonderful and fulfilling, but also that doesn’t mean that she won’t have a great new relationship with me. If you’re on the dating a widow side reading this, i hope you can take some comfort here. You are not a consultation prize.
I wish people would understand this – a new love isn’t the consolation prize. We are so different post-loss and a new partner has experiences that we never had with our late spouse. This love is uniquely its own.
I cannot escape feeling that these comments put our actions and feelings in a box. Forget “Dating”. Go for a nice walk in the snow. Have a picnic together. Meet at the Library and see what’s new. What I’m trying to say is
get out of the box. Trust comes when we choose kindness.
Can someone point me in a direction toward resources for dating a widower? My boyfriend’s late wife passed almost 4 years ago. I have a very hard time not playing the comparison game. I wonder if he can ever fully give his heart and love to me if part of it is always with her. He says he loves me, wants a future and kids with me and I want these things with him.
Its hard to think I could give my whole life (50+ years and kids, grandkids) to him but the loves are just as equal? I’m not asking him to not love her, I just don’t understand how he would ever be able to love me fully.
They were married about 6 months before she passed from cancer. No children.
Kay, there is one called SSI – My Parter is Widowed on Facebook (or similar). Please avoid the groups where you’re told to “train” him to forget his late wife and slowly start throwing out her stuff. It’s important to be open and honest about your feelings, especially if you ever feel slighted.
I shared this with someone I met a few months ago. I was shocked at some concerns he recently shared with me and this article touched on some of them beautifully. I found myself trying to suppress my grief and avoid saying certain things so that I wouldnt push him away. I now realize that this wasn’t healthy for me and unfair to him. Hopefully this will give him sone perspective on my grief or at least allow us to know if this should go any further.
So happy it helped start a meaningful conversation!
I am dating a widow. It seem she has a hard time letting her husband rest.
Is there some one I can ask a few questions to help me understand my situation?
Please feel free to reach out to me via the Contact tab.
I am dating a widow for the last 2 years. Three weeks ago she tell me in a letter she can’t do this anymore. She tells me she never dealt with her husband’s death 5 year ago.
I love this girl with all my heart. Can someone please help me I have some questions I need answered.
Grief is funny like that so I can see how she may have been triggered by something and it’s now causing her to realize there may be parts of her loss she hasn’t addressed. Please feel free to reach out via the Contact tab.