The death of a spouse often feels like losing a part of your heart. It’s the kind of heartache that reverberates through every single facet of your life. It’s fear. It’s insecurity. It’s anger. It’s shock. It’s isolating. It’s pain. It’s hell.
But all of those horrible things can merge into something beautiful. It becomes resiliency. It becomes independence. It becomes living boldly. It becomes compassion. It becomes a new appreciation for all the things you previously took for granted.
When (and if) we ever decide to open our heart to the possibility of love, we do so with eyes wide open, fully understanding that we will not find our spouse 2.0. Having your husband or wife die is one thing. Facing the cold, harsh truth that he or she is never coming back and accepting that is a whole ‘nother beast.
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It takes balls to mentally and emotionally put ourselves out there to date again. It’s overcoming the fear that death will again take someone we hold dear. It’s pushing through your deepest, darkest thoughts and embracing the “now”. It’s living as though you’ve never lost while Iiving knowing you’ve lost.
We expect to encounter our share of jerks, widow-chasers, scammers, etc. It comes with dating in the online age. What many in the widowed community have been blindsided by are the people we let into our lives who feel the need to attempt to erase our past.
Our partners are dead!
There is no competition if the other person isn’t alive.
As the new partner, you went into the relationship knowing we were widowed. You knew the “baggage” that came with loving us. You had to have realized that our heart was capable of expanding. You had to have known that we are capable of loving you – even while holding onto the love we have for our late-spouse.
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But, here you are, so blinded by the jealousy you have for someone who isn’t even alive, that you’ve resorted to ultimatums and even worst, “Fling It Out Fridays” (where items associated with a late-spouse are thrown away behind the widow’s back).
You know what kind of evil it takes to throw away the last physical memories a surviving spouse holds onto? You know how unforgiving such an act becomes when it’s ultimately discovered?
It is impossible to love us to the point where we forget they exist.
You can toss out his/her possessions, but you’ll never remove them from our heart.
You can’t delete enough photos or donate enough of their things to make us love them any less.
You are not competing with a ghost! Unless we were loved by our former spouses and encountered all that we did with that spouse, we would never have become the person we are today, right now in this moment. The person that you fell in love with.
In fairness, there will be times when our grief is so overwhelming – death anniversaries, birthdays, etc., – where it may cause us to be insensitive towards you. Where we allow our pain to interfere with our present. Where our grief isn’t respectful of our new relationship. We own that.
Widowhood and loving post-loss is difficult.
It’s complicated even more when a partner feels resentment towards our late spouse or is threatened by him/her.
In an ideal world, a widow would just never be with someone who feels this way. But the sad reality is that many in the widowed community are in fact dating, engaged or married to someone who incorrectly believes he/she is playing second fiddle to a spouse who died.
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Instead of dishing out ultimatums, consider the following:
- Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
- Don’t assume it’s grief – we may just be having a bad day.
- Check yourself – are we really comparing you to our late spouse or are you comparing yourself?
- Allow us the time and space we need to cry, recall a memory or talk about a late spouse. It takes nothing away from the love we have for you.
- Remember that a dead spouse isn’t an “ex”. Though they each come with their own special circumstances, don’t expect a widow to treat a late spouse as an ex-husband.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.
Wow! So powerfully written Kerry. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience on top of all the rest. It does fuel your writing, though, and your writing is excellent.
Hugs,
(new website coming)
Thanks so much, Mary Lee. I appreciate the kind words <3
It’s always the widowed person writing such things, never the new partner, and this isn’t for nothing.
Listen, grief and entitlement don’t go hand in hand. I don’t owe you anything because you lost someone. It was not my fault and I don’t want to pay for it. Everyone carries their own baggage and yours isn’t any more special than mine. Love is about making each other’s hardships easier, not expecting me to carry your load. A healthy person works toward putting their issues behind before entering a relationship, and just like I leave my past in the past, so should you. You’re not the only one with a history, you know? If I don’t make you feel mine, you shouldn’t make me feel yours.
No, it’s not different because they died. No, I shouldn’t tolerate insensitivities and bad behavior because you’re hurting over the past. I don’t put you through that over my past. No, I shouldn’t carry your baggage for you. I don’t feel entitled to put my trauma on your shoulders. You either get it together and offer me a healthy bond, or you’re not good enough for me, and that goes for anyone, widower or not.
Having lost a spouse is not a free pass to half-ass relationships or expect unhealthy, toxic behavior to be tolerated. Past trauma is no excuse to be a lesser partner and expect to be humoured. You either to the healing work and are able to deliver 100%, or close to that, or you don’t date. No one should allow you to treat them any different than their number 1.
Also, hard truth. ANY loss is devastating, whether it be a spouse, parent, child, friend and what not. Having lost a partner doesn’t automatically award you the grief Oscar. Feeling like it does it oblivious to the vast spectrum of pain out there, and frankly…selfish and unrealistic.
Thanks for your feedback, Jessie. At no point have I ever advocated a new partner being treated like a second class citizen. In fact, I’ve even blogged about widows now owning sadness and about respecting new partners. What I don’t think any widowed person should put up with is a partner where he/she cannot openly and honestly share their grief and pain. Even if a widow is “healed” and ready to move forward, she still carries that loss with her. This article addresses partners throwing out photos, etc behind the widowed person’s back, assuming they should stop loving late spouse, etc. That’s not right. If you’re so bothered by it, leave. Just as someone who is dating a widowed person who feels he/she can be nasty, unkind, etc. simply because of widowhood should move on – quickly!
I know my widower partner loves me dearly .
I know this is silly insecurity- and he usually does well to respect and reassure me when it comes to my insecurities- but I’m not sure how I should feel that his work desk/office is covered with pics of his deceased wife and his (“our”) child (but actually their child) – whom I love as my own.
The pictures he has displayed are emotionally evocative , heartfelt and lovely – but in his entire office – not a single sign of me- except the lunch and coffee I daily make for him.
Why does this hurt my feelings?
I think my feelings would be hurt too. While I understand a certain level of grace is required with dating a widowed person, please don’t neglect your own feelings. There is nothing wrong with explaining how meaningful it would be to you to have your photo included.
Where is the line with respecting a new partner? It’s one thing for a widower to say he misses his partner’s laugh, another entirely to directly compare the new partner in an unflattering way. I’ve been told me legs aren’t as nice, I’m not as hot, I’m not as good in the kitchen, etc. I’ve tried to be compassionate about his loss, but my self-esteem is also at an all-time low.
I have a whole blog post dedicated to treating partners with respect. Unfortunately what you’ve encountered isn’t a widow(er) issue, but a jerk issue. No one, widowed or not, would be allowed to speak to me that way. Unfortunately if you’re scum before you were widowed, there is a good chance you’ll be scum post-loss.
There have also been several pieces written by new partners that talk about feeling secure in relationships with widows and not stooping to trying to erase someone’s past (which is impossible by the way).
Hi Kerry. As the fiancée of a partner who lost his son’s mum, thank you for your blog.
Could you recommend any blogs by people in my position please?
Hi Jessica. SSI – My Partner is Widowed is a great private Facebook group. John Polo also offers a helpful book for those dating widow(er)s. Hope you find these resources helpful.
Omg Jessie, I think I love you. Thank you for putting it in perspective. I’m dating a man For over a year who’s dead wife is now cannonized and still living next to the bed in a container after 1 and a half years.
I am widowed, and am now
wonderfully and amazingly, deeply in love with a widower.
But…. I am so very unhappy when I think of all the years he had with his late wife. I see their posts to each other on f/b….full of loving comments and sexual innuendos. It makes me weep. It should have been me! Lots of things he has written to her that he now writes or says to me, I find hard. Simple things he enjoyed with her…..he does with me now. Don’t read f/b you may say, don’t read old posts they wrote, and pore over their photos…..but my curiosity gets the better of me.
It breaks my heart, for although I too had a happy marriage, for which I have grieved, I feel this new man is truly my soulmate. It is just so different than over 40 years marriage with my late husband. How can this be…..I now have the man I dreamt of? Who I thought existed in my mind, and actually was here in this world, but its taken all these years to find? To hear people speak of soulmates and now understand completely what they meant?
This new man says we could only ever have met at this moment in time, it would never have happened before, when we were young and single. And he has no problems regarding my late husbands memory, or of our life together. I know ai can not erase his late wife from his heart and memory, even if he tells me that was all in the past, it was ‘then’ and I am his now and his future.
I so hate feeling jealous of his dead wife….how can I deal with this? It is the only thing that could destroy this for me, as this jealousy is a completely new emotion for me and I hate this feeling. I see other bereaved couples getting together and happily talk about their former partners……..why can’t I 😞
Hi Jacquelyn. I’m so very sorry for both your losses. Your new guy is right – all that you’ve both been through made you perfect for each other at this very moment in time. I spoke to group of fellow widows and some of the suggestions included: individual counseling to perhaps boost your self-esteem if that’s something you struggle with; couple’s counseling so you can both openly and honestly address the issue with a neutral third party; focus on your mutual future- you both know how fleeting life can be so focus on the now. Nothing you can do can change the past so live in the now and love each other; stop feeding into your insecurities and perhaps replace those thoughts with planning something fun to do with your partner to create your own memories; replace that going through his past with finding the joy in your present; be grateful for the now – you can’t go back; perhaps a prayer of gratitude/reflection for the woman who loved him into the man he is today for you. All the best as you move forward.
Where are the articles for people like us??
I had a horrible experience with a widow started dating me 8 months after the death of her husband due to covid between the pictures throughout the house and her not getting rid of her personal things I started feeling like I was being selfish and unsensitive but I wanted her to have feelings for me and me only but it just wasn’t going to happen it was so difficult omg! I cringe if I see or meet someone that is a widow
Wow. I think we all need to show compassion. Unfortunately, there will be a day when you lose someone you love and you will be changed forever. You may may not even recognize the person that you have become or why you act that way. I don’t want an Oscar but fortunately I have had some very good friends who reach out and support me as I try to heal from this pain that haunts me every day. The person I was before my wife died has died and trying to figure out who I am and raise my young children is an overwhelming task I think this web site is to lend support to people who are in the same crappy boat. Please try to be nice.
Shaun
I am with you Peter, my wife died suddenly early April it feels so empty and lonely,
Part of me wants a person to share the rest of my life with but I will alway love my wife she wasn’t perfect who is, 34 years of contentment .unfortunately I didn’t tell her how much I loved her or needed her, if I’m lucky in the future I won’t make the same mistakes.
I absolutely agree with this comment. You do not plan to fall in love with a widow or widower. It is the absolute hardest thing to ever go through and adjust to . Everyone wants to be first / priority in a relationship.. absolutely they do .. you do I do we all do. And while it is absolutely imperative to be respectful you also need to be priority. That’s what relationships are all about. If the widow or widower is not ready to make a new partner priority then they shouldn’t start looking at all. A divorced person wouldn’t start looking if they were not ready. As a partner of a widower of two years I have to say I have never felt so second place in all my life , he says all the right things and sometimes does all the right things but my god you battle to be seen and heard by everyone . I have to say if I knew then what I know now I would have ran a mile. I am not jealous and it’s not about jealousy it’s about wanting to come first .. be a priority.. not second and certainly not last. It is so incredibly hard to date someone who is and always will be loving someone else.. yes you accept that but under normal circumstances and if you’re honest you want that heart all to yourself. Before dating a widow or widower you will never guess the million things you will come up against and the absolute turmoil it will cause within you . Falling in love with someone who is in love with someone else is the ultimate pain.. whether you like hearing that or not and with the utmost respect you will never know how that feels . So you ask us to respect you perhaps you could take a thought on the experience of the person trying to love you .
This has rung so true for me this morning. Its coming up to the anniversary of the death this weekend and I generally think I deal with it worse than my husband.
It’s the constant feeling like a back up plan, second best option. Comparing myself and over analysing what everyone says (especially my mother in law). I have such guilt that I shouldn’t be here, living this life in her home and I also feel guilty that my partner probably cant express his grief properly for fear of upsetting me.
I love my husband so much, but sometimes wish we hadn’t met as it eats me up knowing that while he will always be my number one, I’ll never be that for him.
You just know your not there number one 😞and it hurts. Because your alive and you love them so deeply.
I’m in a loving relationship with a man who was with his wife for 46 years. It hurts to know he will always love her. And of course he should. I don’t know what do do with these feelings I feel.
I get what you’re saying, it’s really hard.
I’m sure you never lost a soul you loved , let alone a spouse ? Right , that’s why you can talk like that because you never been through , how can you talk about something you never felt.
What do you say to a widower who you just started talking to online and he mentions he lost his wife 18 months ago and others say he may talk alot of her. He says “my wife was a big part of my life and sometimes I need to talk about it I think it’s part of letting go and starting a new chapter”. How do you respond to that – I want to be compassionate but also set a boundary?
Thank you thank you thank you!
I have felt so alone dealing with this very situation. And everytime I google for help, every article makes me feel guilty for the way I feel and that I’m an awful and selfish person And it just doesn’t sit right with me.
I feel the same way as you do
I’m dating a wolidower and am ashamed to say I’m jealous of the time they had. I can’t use the word soulmates because she used it. Sometimes I feel like a runner up. I’m sorry I feel like this. I’ve never been a jealous person. Now I’m jealous of a past I wish I had.😥
Your not. It is hard don’t beat your self up x
Ty this is exactly how I feel.. me and my wife have lost a spouse .. She acts like I lost nothing and she lost everything. She has no care or concern for my feelings at all I do feel like I’m walking in this mans shadow constantly .. she posted so many loving things about him thAt contradicted everything she said to me about him and said things that she had said to me.. like soulmates and love of her life.. and she has never posted online about me ever!! She got so upset when I asked why too.. this man treated her like garbage and I treat her very well I give her my full attention and love I do not post about my late gf ever.. I barley mention her. But I have had to listen to and deal
With so much it has made me feel like I don’t matter at all. Like everything she has said to me was a lie. How can she tell me one thing a post or speak another. I asked her before we started this relationship if she was in love with him and she said no.. then he passed away and she posted soo much hurtful things. And here almost 2 yrs later and we got married, she still has not changed her fb to show we are married she don’t post about me at all.. she post about him and talks to his family on there.. it would be a big deal I guess if she didn’t spend so much time on her phone .. but she does 95% at home on the phone. Anytime I bring up anything she turns into the victim and I did something wrong or am acting crazy.. but my instincts say different .. there’s absolutely no reason she can’t give me the love and respect and support I need and still feel how ever she wants about someone who has passed always . Makes me so angry tho the bad bad shit this guy did to her and her kids.. I just can’t understand why she gives 2 shits about him.
Shadowed, being widowed doesn’t give someone the right to treat a partner like crap. It seems you need to establish some boundaries through communication or walk away.
You noticed these characters in her n went on to marry. So pls manage her. With time she might change
Thank you so much Jessie for putting my thoughts out there as clearly as you have.
Every loss is a loss whether separation by divorce or death.
If a widow or widower isn’t ready to fully commit to a new relationship then they shouldn’t be starting any. Same goes for a divorcee.
That is the best thing I’ve read in a very long time. Well said!
Couldn’t put the words better myself! Not only did I have to deal with the dead wifey, but also a current FRIEND HE WENT O TRIPS WITH SHARING THE SAME ROOM. After the two timer died suddenly I found a reservation to a motel for one bed, two people AFTER we got together.One month later to be exact! Knew about it way before. He told me he didn’t want to hide anything. I told him fine go , but lose my phone number. So he said he wouldn’t go and came to my house for that week. Turns out he was one step ahead of me and just changed the date!! Didn’t find that out until I looked through things after he croaked. Also found dreamy letters he wrote to her,no I love you but admiration instead telling her how much she means to him,calling her an original saying God brought her to him,looking forward to many more trips together and thanking her for the many they had. (he told me they only took 2. Also found her on his app LIFE 360. I had asked him to be on there with me and he said no. So after his demise I found he already had this app with HER on it! Took her to the best motels and expected me to stay in flop houses.At first I mourned his death and now I mourn the way he was to me. The lies the sneakiness. He converted to the baptist faith for her. She took advantage of his grief and loneliness right after his wife died. She preached religion to him to get him into her bed and take her on all these trips. This is not the first man she has done this with. What he did in his past I couldn’t care less about . He should have let her go the second we knew we were a monogamous couple. He said he wanted us to be exclusive. I can’t imagine how a man in his 50s could sleep in the same bed with a bimbo in her 30s off and on for 10 yrs. and nothing intimate happened. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. They were both so religious yet they cheated with each other. Cheated and lied. Also he had several pics of her on his phone. Did remove them and just didn’t bother to tell me he transferred to his computer.He swore on his Bible he wouldn’t lie to me anymore. That was a lie too.
Maybe you just shouldn’t date someone or love someone that has a spouse that has passed away. It takes understanding and love. For me, I want to make her happy again. I want her to realize how beautiful she is and I want more then anything to take that hurt away. But I can’t. I can only listen, try to understand, believe that she will see that there is happiness again and that her late spouse wants nothing more then for someone to help take that horrible pain away. Someone to see how amazing they are and love them through the hard times. It is patience and understanding.
This may not be the relationship for you but maybe some compassion might help. Because my favorite person, deals with my past and my anxiety and I can only hope I am making a difference in her healing.
Love your thoughts. I started dating a man 9 months after my beloved left this earth. We have been going strongly for 14 months and today he mentioned how he hates playing second fiddle to my deceased spouse and he deserves to be #1. How could I answer that? Of course my husband of 34 years was my forever and always, my one and only, but death did us apart. I simply told him that because of my husband I am able to be a good partner as he taught me how to love. My spouse made me into the person my boyfriend loves. There is room in my heart for both of them and he understood!
Brilliant, well said.
As the wife of a former widower who has taken on two full time stepsons I refuse to share my husband with a ghost. The past is the past it not my last or grief and I want to live in the present
I agree and feel the same as Jessie!!
Yes, yes and yes!!!
Jesse,
You are right. Thank you for your strong words. I’m in a relationship with someone who lost his wife 10 years ago and he brings her up every day and magnifies all her good points to the extent that I feel I can never measure up. I see now that I’m in a toxic situation that I cannot mend. In any case, I really appreciate you giving voice to the other side of the coin! I feel less invisible having ready your comments. Thank you!
This is spot on. Being told the heart expands and there is room for two messed up my head. Ended up in therapy. There is nothing needed to be “fixed” about a person who gives their entire heart and expects that in return. The past is over. If as much effort could be put into the present and future, what a relationship that would be. Can’t fight a ghost that gets more saintly with age. I lost my adult son but it wasn’t “up” to the level of loosing a spouse. Really?? When you bring your past into your present it will destroy your future.
“Having lost a partner doesn’t automatically award you the grief Oscar.” wth. grieving people doesn’t need an oscar tho. I mean me and my father doesn’t need an oscar ffs. Okay so I never experienced the loss of a spouse (because im still a young girl and came to this blog out of curiosity)(but I lose my mother when I was 14 but that’s another story) but dunno why seeing you write this makes me mad af. It seems like you lack an empathy. You never losing someone that very important right? If so then I’m not surprised why you respond to Kerry that way.
“just like I leave my past in the past, so should you.” I ……. lemme tell you that losing someone is different than losing job or whatever that shit is because you will never ‘get over’ it and in reality you cant ‘leave’ it. You never see the person again and that’s the difference. I know what Im saying because eventhough I never lose my spouse (my father lose her spouse tho), I lose my mother for goddamn 3 years ago and still a hot mess. Yes, my loss is different than your husband but somehow I can relate a little bit. I mean if I’m still a hot mess 3 years after her death then my father who lose his wife from cancer (eventhough he already remarried to his second wife two years later and never talk about my mother since remarried and seems ‘healed’) a hotter mess than i am and maybe same with your husband.
“Feeling like it does it oblivious to the vast spectrum of pain out there, and frankly…selfish and unrealistic.” Wtf. I dont know what to say beside I hope you never lose someone.
(btw just wondering why you seem pressed when reply about something that not related to anything about second spouse tho).
Sorry for my english i’m not a native speaker.
“my father lose her spouse tho”
*i mean his
im sorry if my words offend you tho. i just mad when i see your comment and suddenly explode.
I LOVE your statement, “Having lost a partner doesn’t automatically award you the grief Oscar. Feeling like it does it oblivious to the vast spectrum of pain out there, and frankly…selfish and unrealistic.” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I truly appreciate this post. No relationship is perfect, but you cannot let the past spew over into the present.
Jessie I could not agree more as I read your comments.
Thank you so much!
I’ve allowed myself to be in a “half ass” relationship w/a widower & I’m done.
“We’ve all lost” in life & we grow or go. The man I’ve been with has been playing this victim role regarding his wife’s death (10 years ago). I told him I’m no longer going to his house because all of her belongings (even her purse!) & ashes “creeps me out”. He’s obviously hanging on, but it’s “his issue” to deal with & I am done.
I talked about the white elephant several times & his head remains in the sand.
Who wants to carry such a heavy pack? Phew
Thank you! You said everything that was on my mind! Everything! And yes, its definitely an article written by a widowed. Be on the other side and i’ll see how different the article will be dear written. You need to be in it to know how it feels… i’m there and got the t.shirt… and its not a pretty one believe me!
Sorry you’ve been hurt. I’ve never advocated anyone play second fiddle to a widowed person. The article simply pointed out sneaky ways people we date are trying to force us to “move on.” The vast majority of widowed people I know are able to balance their past and present without making a new love feel slighted. I’m sorry that wasn’t your experience. Perhaps your person wasn’t in the best place to invite in new love.
Spot on. I couldn’t agree more. Unload grief on a counsellor, not your new partner. New partners shouldn’t be responsible for supporting a new partners past dead relationship.
I agree 100 percent! Stop acting like you should get special treatment. The past is the past regardless of how you got there. It’s called respect for your partner. I also don’t believe in pictures up in the house or on social media. It’s rude. Who wants to see the man they love, kissing and laughing with another the way they do with them. That’s great you had that relationship, do you on your own and in private. Have some respect.
Very true..its tough for both sides
This is the most insensitive thing I have read .
I agree that we must put these things behind us and look at the future, and yes sometimes it appears we are competing with a ghost. Even then, we must realize that sometimes memories will come and as the Bible say’s we must capture those thoughts. There is no difference in the death of a spouse or divorce because in my mind, my ex’s died the day I got divorced. As a couple, my wife and I decided to go through all our pictures together and put them all in a family box for the children and never to look back, and gave her daughter her dad’s ashes. We would have to do that at some point anyhow. We agree that we will not use our previous spouses names or bring them up if all possible. Even then sometimes things happen but it is not disrespectful. One of the things I ask my wife before marriage was has she had time to grieve. It was 7 years and she said yes. After 25 years of marriage I am sure thoughts happen because we are human and I have no control over those things. So we have put things behind us and moved on. We both have a relationship with Jesus and have the best times together and she treats me like she has been married to only me and I treat her the same. It is pure love. Now she was not in a great marriage before. He was selfish and it was all about him. But that does not negate their 25 years. It just means they went their separate ways, one through death, mine through divorce. We are both very happy and have made choices to keep our marriage totaly respectful with communication especially with our feelings. So it us possible to have a grezt marriage with the future in frint and the past behind, trying to never look back.
Amen!
Yes yes yes! Thank you!
Very well written
Totally agree.
I totally agree with you Well said with the honest genuine absolute truth I have been with someone that I had great love and empathy for their loss And had great compassion for their loss As a girlfriend and sudden fiance to a widower After a year of telling me that I was the best woman ever in his life And then my world came crashing down all at once When he suddenly changed his mind After moving me in with him And making empty broken promises For a year Of a new and blessed life together That God had sent me to him And with a new and beautiful beginning together And leaving our past behind But he changed drastically in one night After I moved into their prior home together That had been his And suddenly he wanted me to leave asap Because he” just wasn’t feeling it”with me now After she died from cancer in their home almost four years( and tears ago) After a brief marriage After she moved in with him also a year or two prior Several years prior in a turbulent marriage And unfaithful wife In his second marriage He still had every right to love her unconditionally But not a right to torment me with pain suffering and anquish over her death That he told me was in his past now In his own words Spoken to me freely with peace and joy And then overnight He had a sudden change of heart with me Because of his loss of his second wife to cancer I had lost someone unexpectedly also several years ago unexpectedly That I had been deeply involved with And commited to A few years ago in my life That had desired to marry me And I never treated him my new boyfriend /fiance like he was not as sufficient as he had been to me There is no right to compare anyone to anyone else previously deceased or alive It is mentally and physically and spiritually abusive to do so I totally agree with you No one should ever use and abuse anyone And/ or to string them along to avoid the pain from their grief And the empty void from their life Grief will always arise again in your life after loss I have had loss before in my life But you accept it as a healing process to share with the one that you love and whom understands your deepest grief You don’t condemn them or suddenly discard them From your life Because you suddenly changed your mind And realized that you are not ready to love someone else in your life again After your spouse’s death I believe in forgiveness And compassion for them And praying for them often For them to find healing and peace But they have no right to use abuse mistreat or condemn someone new and loving in their life With endless guilt and pain displaced on them instead It is very selfish and immature behaviour to do so Seek help if you are still grieving greatly Through a pastor priest counselor grief support group (church hospital) friend or family member that understands your pain Do not hurt harm or abuse someone else that loves you deeply After you wanted them to be present in your life For the rest of your life That is not of God And not of love A loving person that loved you through this grief process deserves to find someone stable healthy and capable of a commited relationship And not someone who will leave them with deep pain and rejection Because they cannot deal with their grief in a healthy functioning way I am a strong Christian woman But this really caused me a great deal of unnecessary suffering that I did not deserve to be given to deal with I will heal in God’s timing for my life But it’s going to take some time And a place for my own heart and soul to heal now Hurting people often hurt others Unintentionally or intentionally The pain remains the same But I have forgiven him immediately But I will never forget this horrific experience in my life That I never expected I thought that I had finally found true love with someone But obviously He was still in love with the deceased wife For obvious understandable reasons But also for very dysfunctional unhealthy reasons And now I do not belong in his life I am the other woman I hope and pray that God will bring me the right one into my life In the future To honor and cherish him With everything that I have to give him And he will love me back in the same way unconditionally For the rest of my life
Thank you Jessie. I have been dating a widower for a year. He lost his partner not too long before we met. We started out as friends and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I asked him if he was ready, and he reassured me that he was. He has pictures of his deceased gf everywhere, including mementos. It never bothered me before, but I just found out recently that he has posted deep, romantic paragraphs about her, (every month it seems) where he gushes about how much he misses her, how much he needs her, wants to see her, hear her, etc. and it made me feel very insecure.
Other than that, he has been an amazing boyfriend, always tells me how much he loves me, but seeing those posts have left a dent in our relationship. A pain in my gut. And I appreciate your frank words because our feelings matter too.
This !!!!
There is so much truth here. Just as a person cannot truly grasp spousal grief unless it’s happened to them – you do not know what an absolute mind F%€# it is loving someone who is still living this kind of trauma. Even if you have a very solid sense of self worth and a full happy life – it is 10000% possible to FEEL you don’t have enough of his or her heart. There are many subtle things that can just deflate you and IMO this leads to resentment which is poison to any relationship. Of course nobody expects the memories to vanish. Or to not be honored. But seriously If you’re going to put someone in your life in a real way you are obligated to not let the sharp edges of your broken pieces cut them.
Jolie, love your quote at end! I am in total agreement. I think people wrongly assume I advocate widowed people treating new partners like crap – I am totally against this. The blog was in reference to certain “support groups” advocating manipulating the widowed person into “forgetting” a spouse and doing things like slowly tossing out keepsakes. That’s no way to operate in a relationship. I’d like to address this in a future blog. DO you mind if I use your quote with your first name?
Wow thank you so much for making me feel better 😭
Iam going to fight for myself from now on
Excellent. Too many widowed folk see themselves as widowers even when they remarry. Don’t encourage their self obsessed grief if they remarry. As you say WE all have losses.
Clearly you’re not widowed – thankfully. We will always be our late spouse’s widow even if we remarry. We can be widowed, remarried and treat a new partner with love and respect.
Agreed! Noone considers the way the new partner feels when others reference ” how special you are to… especially after losing…” or adult kids constantly living in the past as if you’ll never be good enough.
We all have baggage and we have to live in the here and now.
I love my husband but grow tired of his past. My past isn’t a topic nor a focus, that’s how it should be. My Dad died before I was in kindergarten, my Mom remarried and my Dad was not ever a topic at dinner or anytime. My Mom said my Dad loved us, he passed, life loves on and so should we. And we did
Heal or don’t marry and hurt someone because of selfish interperspective needs.
I agree 100%!! I’ve been dating a widower, his spouse died 18 years ago and he keeps injecting her into our conversations!! I’m sick to the eye teeth of it but haven’t let him know of my anger and frustration because he repeats the same stories over and over!!! How can I tell him please STOP. He’s projecting her as Mrs. PERFECT!! Hate it and I may have to end it even though I do love him.
Amen. Tired of people waving around their “grief flags” when it suits them. Grief is real. But it can also be self-centered and downright selfish. Grief for the dead does not trump the feelings of the living: especially the person you now claim to love.
Totally agree. Stepping on egg shells is not a healthy relationship. Don’t get involved in a new relationship if you know your not ready.
Well said ….
If you ask a woman to marry you and she excepts and takes your ring, but tells you she is not gonna take off the engagement ring that she is wearing on her right hand from her deceased ex even if you do get married. What then? Seems to me you are playing second fiddle to a dead man and she is hoping to see him when she passes at which point you have been wasting your time filling her days for her their blissful reunion. Wouldnt do it for me, I qurantee she wouldn’t.
Exact same feeling here!! O guy who marries another should put her second or constantly remember her while they are with you. Very insensitive and its like cheating on you behind your back.
Remembering a birthday a death fine. But that is as far as it goes for your relationship together. Until DEALTH do us PART! Honor the next wife as one person in your life.
No mention of her should come up at any time if he has grown married children.
He owes you the dame respect and total live he gave to his first You are NOT to be ever talked as the second wife nor should he tell new friends his first wife died or speak about her. Its your lives together. You do NOT NEED to walk in anyones shadow for your husband. If its happening, he is not a good husband to you or respectong your love & marriage
It sounds like you don’t belong in a relationship with a widow/widower.
You obviously have some serious issues to deal with on your own.
I suspect that you are going to have the very same issues whomever you are in a relationship with.
Selfishness is the recipe for disaster no matter what past your partner is coming from.
Move on and give him or her their due peace.
I will tell you now. My husband was murdered and the killer got away with it and I have been fighting for justice because he deserves it. You add that with the fact that he died in a brutal manner over money is mind boggling. He’s been gone almost 12 years on the 18th and fighting for justice makes you relive it over and over until justice is done. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I don’t treat my new spouse any different than I did him. I can’t help if he compares himself to my late husband or thinks it’s a competition even though I’ve explained that this isn’t that and I love him no differently than I did my husband that passed away.
You said it. I’m dealing with it. Not much understanding out there of what we’re experiencing.
AMEN!! These articles are always so one-sided about the widower and how much the new partner needs to accommodate, understand and carry the weight—to the point where one would be crazy to enter into a relationship with a widower.
What about the person on the other side—we ourselves have had to face life and all the baggage that comes from this, and yet, it seems to pale in comparison. They lost a wife…but us–by comparison–we seemingly have gotten through life unscathed.
The late spouse becomes a saint; the new partner—we’re second best. We’re suppose to be grateful that the widower found the ability to love again. The ability to love again–that’s a necessary but certainly not sufficient condition for the widower’s responsibility in the new relationship.
Say it over and over—having lost a partner doesn’t mean you win the grief Oscar…
Bury your dead , it’s ok to have memories but dont bring a deceased spouse up to your new spouse around others , and you should never keep the deceased spouses name in with the new husbands name. you married the new husband and too on his name. you buried the old name along with the deceased husband
I am married to a widower. I appreciate what you have written and agree with much of it. I disagree with the title. You very much can be in competition with someone deceased. Not physically of course, but emotionally. Anyone who has experience in counseling (not sure of your background) knows that emotional ties (such as in case of an affair) can be much stronger and much more damaging then physical ones. My husband talks about his 1st wife now and again, but I have set boundaries. Certain subjects I do not want to hear about. For example sexual experiences with 1st wife. I do not think that is selfish (especially in light of being called by first wifes name one of the first few times we were intimate….definitely NOT the way to assure your new spouse you are not a replacement). I am curious to know what your thoughts are on ex husbands and how much you would want to hear about how wonderful they were. There is a difference between respect for a former spouse and constantly bringing them up. I also find it odd how quickly you glossed over the part about how sometimes widowers can grieve too much in front of current spouse or not be sensitive. I hear a lot of stories of men who behave this way (thank goodness my husband does not). But I do know she was way more his “physical” type than me. We are in our 60s and they were married 40 years. On anniversaries of special dates, he gets a bit quiet and contemplative. I understand why. It is still not always easy. I imagine he would feel the same way if I grieved the date of my divorce (after 30 years of marriage). Or on my 1st marriage anniversary date. Even the strongest and most supportive of people; I would venture to guess, have a difficult time watching their spouse mourn another relationship. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart. And before you chastise me, or say I am insecure. I went with my current husband to scatter her ashes. Bought flowers for her when we did this.
I guess the gist of my ramblings is this, most of us are not on one end of the spectrum or the other. I think most of us fall some place in beween…..
It’s not necessarily resentment we feel to the late spouse. I don’t resent a dead man. It’s not a competition with them. But to say it’s not a competition is a joke. I’m competing with the MEMORY of a dead man. A selective memory where none of my mistakes are compared to an equivalent mistake of the passed, but rather an idealized version of them. I can’t outshine the edited and idealized memories.
We’re still here and that’s not our fault. That’s our strength. We love you inspite of that baggage. We love the kids who miss their father. We love the wife who misses their husband. It’s not charity. It’s not being white knighty. It’s just love.
And while any one of us who is decent won’t direspect the marriage or the memories of the lost, it’s equally as disrespectful to constantly post photos on Facebook of you and him on Valentine’s Day. It’s mean. It’s cruel. I’m here now. I’m here TODAY! That’s not my fault.
Are you feeling unloved? Parents can love children without one feeling unloved. Why must widowhood be any different? If you’re feeling unloved, that’s not a widowhood issue. That’s a partner issue. I agree that widow/widowers shouldn’t overlook their current partners. I’m a firm believer in the fact that just as we ask a partner to respect our grief, our grief should respect them too. If there is a balance of social media posts and you aren’t some dirty secret, then I see nothing wrong with sharing FB memories (I can your being hurt if there is no mention of you on Valentine’s Day though). It really boils down to being open and honest about how the other feels when xyz is done.
There must be a balance. I have been exclusively dating my beautiful widow for two years. It’s no secret, but it’s not discussed or shared. Facebook still reflects her being married to late husband. She post “with him” regularly and often when I am actually with her. Never a mention of me. Her cellphone screen image is a pic of them. It is very disrespectful.
A social media post about missing her late husband followed up with an appreciation for new significant other says a lot. It’s says I’m still hurting, but blessed as well.
Being a widow and having a new relationship is nothing to be ashamed of. Accept the blessing that someone loves you.. cherish the past. Be a better mate than you were (we all make mistakes) and live forward. We will give you space, support and love you like no other could.
I totally understand how that comes off as disrespectful. Hopefully by engaging in an open and honest conversation, she’ll understand and be more respectful of your feelings.
Totally agreed
Good points. After 6.months of dating, my widower still posts on anniversaries etc. how he loves and misses her dearly. Then come all the comments from friends about how wonderful she was, how great they were together etc…I am not even mentioned on his FB page ever..how can I not feel slighted?
“If there is a balance of social media posts and you aren’t some dirty secret, then I see nothing wrong with sharing FB memories”
That’s spot on Kerry.
I know of a widow who remarried two years after her spouse passed away. During this time one of her children. Graduated high school.
She posted that she was heartbroken that late husband wasn’t there to see it, but so blessed to have the new husband there.
It was a respectful post.
I so much wish, Kerry, that you were my friend, that we could sit and drink tea together. My girlfriend and I struggle regularly with her feelings about my deceased wife. Today she is furious with me because apparently last night I was talking in my sleep to my dead wife. I feel alone and hopeless. I’m glad I’m not alone though I’m sorry anyone else has to feel what I feel. I feel like I can’t win. I can’t bring my dead wife back but I also can’t let her disappear completely. I love my girlfriend but I also sometimes grieve my wife.
I’m so sorry, Kate. I understand how she might feel hurt but furious about something you can’t control sounds irrational. Maybe it’s having a conversation to reassure her of where she stands in your life. I think often there is an insecurity – justified or not – that triggers such strong emotions from our new partners. I’ve heard there is a great group for those dating a widowed person – SSI My Partner Has Been Widowed. Perhaps joining one would help her understand that grieving the loss of a late spouse takes nothing away from the love we have for those currently in our life. Just be sure she stays away from some of the others who “teach” members how to manipulate our love. A cup of tea would be awesome (but I must warn you: I am not that cool in real like. Lol).
We just don’t want to feel like you widowers wish that they were with the late wife instead of us
I have never understood the “parents can love two children” comment when equating this with widowhood and new relationships. First off, it’s a different type of love. I would presume you had a much different love for your spouse than you do your children (IE of a physical nature). Second, if you are equating being able to love more than one child at a time to loving more than one man (or woman) at a time, why not have multiple marriages at once? If that type of love truly is the same than it shouldn’t be an issue? The answer is that it’s not the same and never will be. So the question then remains can you really love more than one person at once? I would argue that you can not and agree with Jessie’s comments that you must retire your love for the first partner and put 100% of your effort into your new partner.
Many countries believe in multiple marriages – you say it as though it is unheard of. The United States nor western practices don’t dictate the capacity for love. As someone once told me, love isn’t like a pie. There is enough love for everyone – those dead and alive. Widowed people don’t have to “retire” love for a late partner in order to love a new partner wholly and fully. Love is limitless. There are some widowed people who struggle with moving forward with a new partner where the new love is made to feel second, but the vast majority of us are capable of putting 100% into new relationships while loving a late spouse.
And that is fine so long as the new partner is made aware that they are essentially in a multiple-marriage type relationship. I think that if they were told that upfront they may be more hesitant to jump in.
Also – when it comes to westernized ideas of love (as you pointed out) I think that most of those in a westernized country – myself included – have partners who can’t even fathom being married to two people. Heck my partner can’t even stomach when I look at someone else walking down the sidewalk so I don’t think it would be fair for the new partner to have to live under that type of double standard.
Again, I think widowed people should wait until they can truly let someone into their life and stand in their own merit in order to have a successful relationship. But, any person who thinks they can force that widow to act as though her spouse never existed and/or forbid her having love for him is delusional.
Agree. Do not spend Valentine’s Day with me, tell me you love me, and claim me as your Valentine only to claim your late spouse as your Valentine on social media. Your late spouse is not checking his Facebook account. Cherishing and honoring your late spouse is different than carrying on a virtual marriage, which then makes your significant other and adulterous relationship.
Yes, I agree that if a widowed person still believes they are married, they are in no place to date anyone. It will not work.
And it didn’t. Two years and she literally broke up “I need some time to think” came via email. I respect her enough to not contact her, but the pain is deep. I learned to love so deeply. I don’t know if this “time to think” is a permanent break up or she truly needs time to think.
“And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined.” Luke 5:37
The old wineskin represents the one who has lost a spouse. The wine in the old skin represents the late spouse, which is only present with the sweet smell and memory of taste. The new skin represents the surviving spouse and his or her relationship with their new love…A new wine. Not the same wine, a unique and special wine of its own.
For this special relationship to work, the surviving spouse must receive the new wine in the new skin. The old skin is never thrown away. It sits on display next to the new and is appreciated. Just as if the old skin tries to take on the new wine or the new wine pours itself into the old skin, they will both be ruined…wasted.
To widows and widowers I say this. Love the old wine. Remember the sweet taste. Receive your new wine in the new skin, so that you can both flourish together.
To the new spouses and significant others, I say this. Pour yourself into the new skin. Stay mindful of when the surviving spouse takes hold of the old skin, so that you do not pour yourself out onto the floor. Be patient and wait for he or she to exchange wineskins once again.
To all my fellow new wines…. May the Lord grant you wisdom, peace and strength. Just as nobody can understand the walk the surviving spouse, no one else can understand the walk of those who choose to love and cherish the surviving spouse.
Beautifully stated
good analogy…virtual marriage
I totally agree, although my bf never had social media, his late wife did. I love him inspite of the loss, and encouraged talking. He would speak about her ALL the time with longing and a sparkle in his eye he doesn’t have with me. The way he spoke made me feel as though he was trying to replace her with me.
When we talked about it, he swore that wasnt true. Yet, he kept her on a pedal stool as though they had a love no one else could NEVER obtain.
What they had was/is/and will always be there’s. I dont want that. I want our love, which should be just as special, but told him he had to find away to let me in.
My bf never really grieved (the 5 stages). Not even a month after her passing, he was paying for sex, company, and companionship with strange women. He sexed his way through it for about a year and a half (until he met me). I feel as though he is finally starting to grieve slightly.
I just listen, but the way he talks about their life is kind of sad, but mimics my previous marriage. We were more caregiver’s, both of our S/O’s were sickly. He recently shared with me that he has better days with me, than he did with her after being her for 17 years! I was shocked.
We have been together just over a year, and he is going on three years of life without her. After 8 months of being together, he asked me to marry him. I didnt think he was ready, and explained that to him. He swore he was, so I said yes.
The wedding was supposed to be a year from when we met. He had a legal work issue come up, which he told me the planning and his case was overwhelming and too much. He wants to call everything off until his case is resolved.
I feel it’s a stall tactic, and he has really changed his mind. He’s afraid of re marrying and lose, as well as not ready period. That really broke my heart.
He insists we are going to get married, but he just needs to focus on his legal issues. Fine, but why put me back down to gf status?? Anyway, I agree, it’s extremely hard loving a widower. He’s never been a widower before, and I’ve never been with a widower. Neither one of us knows what or how to be or expect.
All I expect is honesty, patience, communication, and love. As I give these things in return.
Thoughts????
I think it’s important that you both communicate openly and honestly. As much as I advocate for the widowed community, I don’t believe that we are to make our new partners feel less than. If after a heart to heart you’re still not feeling satisfied, it may be time to take a break. All the best.
I agree. I can’t compete with memories. At times he paints not such a great picture of their life with ups and downs and the other times she is a saint. Which non of us are. It’s just hard. We have been together a year and she has been gone 5. I hate that certain things Ebro g back the feelings when I didn’t know it would trigger the feelings. I feel second class. Sorry. Just venting and you don’t need this.
Big hugs, Tammy. You’re right about the saint-like status so many of us attribute to our late spouses at times. Please don’t beat yourself up about causing triggers. All the best in your relationship.
I have been with my widower for 2.5 years and he is now moving out of the house they shared for 21 years. I’m hoping the pictures of his late wife won’t reappear. I feel guilty for feeling that way and know I shouldn’t let it bother me. But every time I walk into his office and see the pictures of her that he looks at every day, it’s like a dagger to my heart.
I wonder why they can’t be out of sight. He won’t hurt his late wife by putting them away. I’m the living, breathing one who he is hurting.
I’m sorry it’s so painful for you, LT. Have you spoken with him about how you feel? Perhaps expressing how you feel may be the way to go, or you could also add a picture of you or the both of you to his office.
Amen!! Someone who gets it!! Well described
This is precisely why I had to break up with my boyfriend. I don’t like threesomes, specially with a ghost. His late wife didn’t have to put up with that and neither should I. Maybe widowed people should date other widowed people so they can grieve forever together.
Okay…I’ll try to tell the next man I marry not to drop dead! SMDH at your comment.
Playing the poor widow card, a sure sign you are not ready for a new love.
My partner had a girlfriend who he been with for 2 years. She passed 3 years ago and he told me this early days when we got together.
I’m secure that he loves me but for some reason, had feelings that kicked in. How he might be replacing me but he never told me. Like it’s just me worrying and don’t want this to affect me as he is the one I truly love. He does mention sometimes like as he told me his longest relationship been 2 years.
That’s all, I want this paranoid feelings of me to stop. As it’s not worth it and get he lost someone who had a significant impact on him. He had moved on and in time found me. How can I get these feelings to stop?
He doesn’t know about this and thought it would pass by.
That’s a real fear that is difficult for the new significant other to imagine. My widow shared that with me early on. Does that thought continue? Does it result in loving, but then pulling back? There is no guidebook for widows and no guidebook for dating a widow. Both are minefields.
With that… Show me that I’m not pouring wine into the river. A woman willing to love again is awesome. A man willing to authentically love a widow is awesome. Invest in each other and live blessed.
Agreed. Both should invest in each other!
Hi Mia, totally see where you are coming from. I was asked why do I feel like I have to compete with his late wife. I told him thats how he makes me feel, however, I know my worth and what I bring to the table.
He had shrines all over his house when I met him. The shrines except her obituary and a small urn (with I am okay with) are down and put away.
I told him, I wasn’t in their relationship and marriage, so she doesn’t get to be in mine!
We are still together, working on ourselves and our life!
I’m glad you were able to find a balance that worked for you both. I hope you also realize that he is the man he is for you because of the totality of his experiences, including the relationship with his late spouse.
1st I wanna say I agree it takes an evil sensless person to throw away the things of a widow(er) lost spouse…
Then yes that is true, the widows(ers) are who they are because of everything they’ve experienced in their life… And so did we (new partners) but I dont think we could be excused for being self centered, narcissist over jalous just because an ex has broken us.. We get it that it hurts and that you didn’t choose to loose your partner but sadly it did happened.. No disrespect but It’s really hard to understand that you owned the right to be unsensitive at times when we need to be oversensitive of you all the time. Many people are fully in love with a spouse that leave them, so would it be normal for the person that was left behind to always hold on tight to their ex spouse because they didn’t choose to be left? Or would it be more healthy for them to remember the past but go on with their life? Very often I hear the comparaison “we can love our child and love a 2nd born just as much” I get it but let me ask this: if one of the child dies would it be ok for the parents to idolize that lost child despite the child who’s still alive? Would the parents get unsensitive, distant from the surviving child and making him feel unloved when the deathanniversary or any other significant date is comin because it bring back painfull emotions? I dont think so, from what’ve seen, even in hard times the parents cherrishes the suriving child and doesn’t make them feel less then even if they’ve experienced the hardest thing that is to loose a child. So yeah … It’s not hard to understand widowhood but it is really hard not to feel 2nd and or less than… Grief is something made up by our minds and human’s survival instinct but we can all agree that still the pain is very real and physical when you have to cope with it. Wanting to be the one and only one in our lover’s heart is also made up by our mind and human’s survival instinct we know that but yet again pain and the impression of having to cope with a 3some is also just as real… I’m sorry if I offended anyone it’s not my intention but right now I really feel like being told “you have to be patient, understanging, carring and supportive while your feelings has to be denyed because widows(ers) grief forever”. If we dont minimise your pain please don’t minimise ours.. And if we ended up here, most likely, it is to try to ease our pain a little bit by letting our damn stubborn brain see that it is normal to feel like shit but that there’s hope because in fact we are not less and that feeling will eventually go away as widows(ers) grief’s evolving… Gotta say that reading you my hopes went down the drain. Not the only thing I have in mind is that widows should date widowers then they’ll both always be 2nd best
Thanks for taking the time to express your thoughts and feelings. This blog post specifically addresses those who feel the need to be underhanded, sneaky, and calculating in trying to erase a late-spouse’s memory. I have addressed the need for widowed people to understand that if they open their hearts to love, the new partner cannot be treated like a second class citizen. I’ve also addressed that widows don’t have a monopoly on grief in a previous blog post.
If you’re dating someone who is “idolizing” a late spouse and making you feel less than, that is not the relationship for you. At the same time, expecting the person to act like a partner who died didn’t exist isn’t right either.
I know many widowed people and their partners who are able to balance their loss with their present. Yes, it takes an understanding, caring and supportive partner to date a person who has lost a spouse. Though a divorce might come with its own struggles and sense of loss, it’s not a physical death. I don’t think they even need to be compared.
I encourage all couples to communicate their needs/desires so both have clear expectations. If the non-widowed person is not happy, they should leave. Just as the widowed person who feels their loss isn’t being respected should leave. You can strike a happy medium. I have 🙂
Agreed!!
I 100% agree with you!!!!
My partners wife passed away nearly three years ago we have been dating nearly two years, he still has pictures up in his late wife in his new home ( for his grown up children) on his F/B and in his car, he wears his wedding ring on his right hand and goes to her grave every two weeks. We have discussed many of these time and time again and he is not prepared to change anything. This weekend (valentines) he went to her grave and lay a single red rise and a valentines card and says what’s the problem. He thinks I’m jealous of his wife, I’m not I accept that he had a loving wife and a life before me bit I am fed up of been made to feel second best. He says he wants to be with me and he is ready to move on and that he loves me, he has been living with me for almost a year due to the pandemic but he doesn’t care how his actions hurts me.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You definitely shouldn’t be feeling like second best. Maybe have a serious heart-to-heart with him. Is it that you were left out Valentine’s Day? Did he make a fuss about you? If not, it may be time to establish some boundaries.
Seriously, did I know the baggage? In my worst nightmares I wouldn’t know that few months after being together with my widower, after being intimate, talking about future together, I would find him posting on his Facebook for his LW Hold me while you wait by Lewic Capaldi for the whole world,including my friends to see; that still after 12 months together nobody from his family would know about us. Believe me, no woman going on a date would know in advance that her man, the man she loves would rather have the photo of his LW on his phone screen than hers, that his Facebook profile photo would be his LW instead of them happy together, and his status would be widower instead of in relationship. I wonder what would you tell your daughter if one day she comes to you crying that her man, the man she loves won’t spend holidays with her because he doesn’t want to hurt in laws feelings, that after being intimate with her he starts talking about missing his wife so much. Would you tell her to support him, to understand him or to walk away and find the man who will love her and only her? Be honest. Dating widower leaves many women with PTSD,is unpredictable and not different than dating a person with addiction, leaves you with the same emotional pain, lost confidence, feelings of being used, unloved, unwanted.At least with a man with addiction you are aware of danger, whereas with a widower you go to Google and you find blogs like yours and then you tell yourself to try harder, to support him more in this madness (Facebook love comments, thousands of photos around the house, unhappy holidays, hiding you from family and making you feel like a mistress etc). Encouraged by articles and blogs like yours you start loving him to the point where you can’t love yourself anymore. I needed to walk away to save myself. With so many other options available it is not worth it. Most women I met on WOW/GOW groups needed to take antidepressant or go to counselling to be able to sleep while in relationship with a widower. If my daughter ever comes to tell me that she met a widower who actively is grieving his LW I will lock her until she is cured and ready to meet emotionally available person.
WOW. I’m sorry that you’re having such a challenging time. It’s very obvious to me that this person is NOT emotionally ready to be in a relationship. None of my blogs have ever condoned a widowed person treating a partner in this manner. Best wishes.
I’m so glad this was said. We do not know until we experience a relationship with a widower. When my boyfriend told me he was a widower, I felt sorry for him… now I’m feeling sorry for myself because I feel like I am dating a married man when he starts saying “my wife did this or my wife and I did that” etc and so on. Right now I am taking it a moment at a time. I dont want to seem heartless and say things I regret. I have read so much lately about widowers and have joined a facebook group and dont feel comfortable with giving ultimatums or guilt trips (I have been given them in other situations by people in my past and dont like doing that to others). I have to realize he has those feelings and needs them to pass through him. So, I have to figure out what I can be ok with, I have to decide if I am comfortable with his conversations and emotional sheddings…. gosh, I feel so bad for people who have lost a love to death and I want to be understanding but I also want a relationship with somebody who feels I’m the special one and that person wants to love me like they have loved no other because that is how I love.
I’m glad you wrote this.
Truth is we do not know until we are in a relationship with a widower what the realities are. I am in a relationship with a widower. At first, when he told me he was a widower, I felt sad and sorry for him…now I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I’m sorry he lost his wife. I’m sorry she was not able to watch her children grow up and meet her grandchildren and I’m sorry they could not grow old together. I feel so deeply sorry that things happened the way they did for them.
When he says the “my wife did this or that..” line, I feel as if I am a small fill-in person keeping him warm. I want to be the special person. I want him to love me like he has loved no other because he chose to be with me.
I have read so much about widowhood lately, joined facebook groups and have read some situations that are much worse than what I am dealing with. I dont like the idea of giving ultimatums or guilt trips because I know he has to work through his feelings. I have begun to pull away slightly, though, for self preservation. I have to decide if I can handle feeling like he is going through the motions with me while being in love with a late spouse. I want to feel like I am with somebody who is fully invested in me.
Every woman should read Dating a widower before embarking on that slippery slope. I didn’t and had I, the advice would have been taken. We all want to be a priority in someone’s life and knowing the rules might keep us from heading into a relationship where the boundaries were not set. Ex. Pictures in every room, clothes being kept. These are indicators he’s not ready to move forward. It’s too late, we’ve fallen in love and he doesn’t seemed bothered by the threesome that your relationship has become.
Ive never been jealous of the pictures, just the attention he gives them, that should be mine.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience but I think the vast majority of widowed people are capable of having loving, fulfilling relationships with partners who don’t feel like second class citizens. It’s really about communication as in all relationships.
I asked my fake widower fiance (relationship for 18 yrs that he can’t see wasn’t even that deep) and agreed, I’d always be second. She was the love of his life. I’m just someone to grow old and die on.
You are telling me that he is not emotionally ready,he told me that he thought that I would be more understanding. After all of those above he still believes I should be more understanding and now I wonder where did he get this idea from. I believe it’s widowed community who makes people believe that grief entitles them to walk over others without considering their feelings , that grief entitles them to feel offended by their new partners feelings. He wants to spend holidays and festivals with LW family rather than you so widowed community tells you to give him space, he writes love massages and songs on Facebook for LW (she is not reading it, I his living woman read it) , widowed community tells you that people grieve different ways, let him love her on Facebook , he loves you at home. No matter that every time you read this love messages it feels like the the knife cuts your heart into pieces. Widowed community tells you that his heart is so wide and big that has space for loving two women at the same time . Seriously? I bet any cheater would love to hear that men finally are allowed to love 2 women at the same time. How heart distinguish between dead and alive? Now I believe that men really could love 2 women at a time, but at least cheater is called out on this and not allowed freely without consequences and he needs to behave and not wave his other love at his partner’s face. The widowed community tells you that there is no other man like widower, that he has great capacity to love as he loved once and he proved his love . In my opinion , his love for lower wife has nothing to do with him loving on not loving me. Just because he loved her deeply it doesn’t mean that he will love me the same. It’s very unlikely after such great love of life. Then they tell you that widowed man is better than divorced. How? I would rather date divorced man who is not so perfect but he loves me dearly, than perfect widower who dearly loves his late wife. I walked away, all this hurt will heal will one day but i worry about other women who will be dragged into this madness. I don’t worry about men , they usually do not put up with any BS plus widows take longer to stay alone after death of the spouse so they have time to grief in piece unlike men who jump into the new relationships 2 months after wife’s death demanding understanding, support and love from new woman giving her nothing in return.
You clearly found the wrong widowed person to date. I have been happily involved in a post-loss relationship and my partner doesn’t feel like a second class citizen nor do I treat him in the manner in which you state you’ve been treated. It’s quite unfair for you to paint the entire widowed community with such a broad brush because you had a bad experience. You chose to put up with his behavior for 12+ months. There is a difference between showing understanding and patience when a widowed person is having an especially tough day and being treated like a doormat. The sad reality is that not every widowed person will be ready to date within the first few years following a loss. Perhaps you should seek out some therapy. You seem to have quite a bit of anger and resentment. Best wishes.
Kerry,
You may be the exception and your significant other is blessed. Today will be day 1 of counseling for me following being ghosted by the woman I poured my love into for the past 2 years. She never sought counseling.
She was always more concerned with what others would think about her being in a relationship than my feelings. That showed brightly when she emailed my “I need time to think” message 45 minutes after being with me in person
Kerry, you would be surprised or shocked of the stories women on Facebook groups for GOW/WOW (girlfriends/wives of widowers) share and how selfishly, with zero empathy some of their widowers behave. I am actually the one who decided to leave after a year, which is quick considering all the myths all over the Internet about how wonderful this is to date widowed person, many of these women are married to those men and nothing changes. My granadma lost 2 of her kids and still was able to be happy for the others who were alive. She carried her pain in her heart not to show people around , making everyone miserable. The big topic discussed by WOW/GOW now is Christmas and Thanksgiving; these women are terrified of those festivals as their men are mostly grumpy , don’t want to celebrate, they need space , write massages on Facebook for the beloved wives who passed away 1, 5, 10, 20 years ago, they hide their new partners on those special days because they are too afraid of what family will think about them dating. Your attitude and the way you treat you partner is , like John said, exception rather than norm. Why my grandmother was coping differently? I believe she did it that way because she didn’t have internet to learn that now since she is grieving she has wrights to walk over people. We all have baggage and past. After my divorce I was single for years before being ready. I didn’t drag any innocent man into my drama to save me, to protect me , to understand me , to help me raise my child etc. I did all the hard work to deal with my problems, I was scared and lonely but only when I was ready for love I searched for it. Unfortunately, met my ex widower who tried to convince me that my past didn’t require understanding as much as his past. I regret reading forums for widows and widowers where I learnt how supportive and understanding I must be and that all this will pass. Nothing passed. Did I learn my lesson? of course i did. Widowers and widows are not better than any other people on the dating market and we should not give them any more understanding and support than we give others. Everyone deserve support and understanding and widowhood doesn’t make you a saint walking above water. If someone was narcissistic it won’t change after husband or wife died.
While I understand your hurt, I’m not sure why many who date widowed people expect us to treat our partners like an “ex.” We didn’t get divorced, they died. To expect us to just turn off that love is ridiculous. The heart expands. You can love a second child just as much as you love your first child, though the love may be different. It’s not any less though. Holidays are challenging for many who lost a spouse. Instead of complaining abut if the widower loves his first wife more than the second wife, why not just extend a bit of grace that it sucks to lose a partner. There can be understanding without compromising your values and self respect. It also appears that there was a clear break down in your level of communication in your previous relationship. Those women in your group need to extend grace and understanding, while establishing clear boundaries. Acknowledging a DEAD person on Facebook should not be a “threat” to anyone. Now, if he’s writing 50 pages letters to her while totally disregarding your feelings then that’s another issue. There can be a happy and healthy balance. Again, sorry this has been your experience.
Most new partners do not expect you to turn this your LW or LH off . I myself would never stop loving my first love, my school sweetheart I dated for 6 years. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my first everything, and we loved each other like crazy but lost this love to parental disapproval, and didn’t have enough courage to fight for it at such young age. However, when I dated new people I never ever waved this big love at the new partners faces in the form of photographs, being grumpy and unhappy , celebrating important dates to my love and myself or tell new partners how i love and always be loving my previous love and how much I miss his touch, his smile, how wonderful he was etc. I took all this pain and i hid it in my heart , photographs and little sweet things in the box. If I hang the photos on the wall or let myself feel sorry for myself I would be devastated. But I learnt to live with it and nobody absolutely nobody was ever hurt by my previous love. Have you got any idea how many people had such great love in their past? Go to google and search. Not only widowers lost someone special. My ex widower boyfriend however, thought that his love for LW was more special and theretofore had more rights to actively celebrate this love in front of my face. In my opinion his love for LW was nothing to what I had with my first boyfriend. The same goes for divorces. Do you really believe that this people didn’t love each other , that this was always their choice? Do woman whose husband leave her for a younger women have any choice? She still loves her husband but now she not only losses him but also is tortured by a thought of him being with another woman and her children losing family. Do man whose wife cheat on him has any choice? She takes his children, his house, makes him pay huge child support and from now on he has to start everything from scratches. Do you believe that this man immediately stops loving his wife? And then you have widowers who come and say that they have more rights because their loss is greater. And they look down at others. How do you know that your LH had never cheated on you ? Maybe you don’t know, maybe he did. So many people are together eleven though they are very unhappy in their marriages and when suddenly one of them dies the survived one feels like a saint. Not all marriages who divorced stopped loving each other and not all widowed people were in loving marriages. This is myth. Maybe LW died to cancer because the husband was so unloving and abusive that stress caused the illness. How do we know? If so many new partners are so hurt by all these celebrations of late spouses maybe it is time to acknowledge that this is causing them the real pain that could be avoided so easily. 70 percent relationships with widowed people fail, in the rest that survived the partners are in pain (groups for WOW/GOW prove it) And you are still not sure why new partners do not happily love late spouses. I don’t know why this is hard but it is.
The fact that you compared your high school romance that ended because your parents disapproved to someone losing a spouse says more about your lack of empathy than your former widowed person’s unreadiness to date. You had raised some valid points but you’ve clearly gone off the deep end with these statistics quoted and blaming widowed people for causing a spouse’s cancer. While your ex was not emotionally ready, you come across as very insecure and threatened by the love he has for his late wife. Sounds like while you may have dodged a bullet with him, he definitely dodged one with you. Good luck in your next relationship (and please avoid the widowed community as promised. We have enough nonsense to deal with)
And we miss our partners forever – whether 1 year or 50 years later.
I cannot for some reason reply to your comment above so I will respond here. By minimising people’s first love experience you show again superiority, something I found extremely double standard and very common among widowed people. The fact is that we will all die one day, maybe tomorrow and we all will loose someone special at some points of our life. I learned something else from this experience of dating a widower. In my new relationship we will be talking about death, and I want my future partner to know that if I ever died, I want him to find a lovely woman, who will be treating him and our children lovingly. There is no need for my photos around the house, messages on Facebook (he can tell me all of this now when I live), being grumpy on special occasions, I won’t need them to celebrate my birthdays, wedding days etc. I will tell my family, children and friends the exact thing, ask them to support him and to cherish his new woman in his life, especially if she will be raising my children. And if I had a chance I will write a letter to her to tell her about my experience and thanks her for loving my family and looking after them. Thank you Kerry for all your comments. This will be my last here and and any other places related to widowhood. Even though we disagree I wish you all the best and lots of success in your writing. Maybe one day i will read something more empathetic towards the new partners
What you fail to understand is that I never questioned the love you shared. I questioned you comparing your “loss” to someone who has a deceased spouse. Your former love is free to date, raise children, be with his family, etc. Ours are just dead. There is the possibility that you can show up at his door right now and rekindle your love. We cannot. See the difference. I’m glad you were able to take something away from the relationship at the very least. I hope you will be sure to include this major bit of information in your letter to your potential spouse’s potential new mate: “Don’t force him to chose who he loves more.” It’s ridiculous. All the best as you move forward.
I agree – for some reason widows/widowers superiority – that their pain is greater, my ex-husband left – took $200k left me with our 3 children – went off with prostitutes – spent the lonely in 4 months and then come back as he had no where to go – my bf late-wife died after a long struggle with cancer (rip). He pursed me 18 months after her death – and it took me 6 months to say yes. It was wonderful in the beginning – even though he hid me for 6 months, it was hard when his 16 year old daughter found out, but she seemed excepting and I made an effort to be her friend, buying her gifts, talking with and I thought we got on ok and because he didn’t want to leave her home alone I always went to his house (twice a week) and I would leave my 3 kids home alone (13 & 16 years), but he said that was ok because they had each other – but 5 years on – still he won’t leave her home alone (she’s 20 now and flatting away in the city most of the time and doesn’t need her dad to caretake) but the second she comes home – my bf practically ignore me because he is giving all his time to her. And we are only allowed to go out when my bf and her have discussed it, I’m not even asked and I’m in the relationship. After 5 years in the relationship she won’t let me come to anniversary of late wife – because I’m the girlfriend – I just don’t understand – I have been very empathetic – kind and loving and all I do is get shit back about “how I don’t know because I’ve never lost anyone”. I have – they just didn’t die – had they died life would of been a lot easier being left insurance etc. The daughter has made me feel so rejected and my bf reckons he tried to stand up for me, and I think he shouldn’t leave it up to her because, he’s the one who should be in charge. But he does because she lost her mum and feels guilty and I’m truely sorry for them both, but that doesn’t mean they get the right to be disrespectful and pretend I don’t exist on that day. It really hurt me and I’ve had my fair share of rejection and didn’t need any more. When things got a bit rougher – I thought it was all about the grief but over time I have realised – that the late wife’s anniversary is now more about the adult daughter than her mum, and she has turned it into ‘Oscar awards’ of who can cause the most drama, I just wanted to be acknowledged by my bf, that I existed – get an invite so I could decline it, as I could feel there pain. But no she rejected me. Now she has said to her father that because of the drama last year on the anniversary that I caused for wanting to ‘exist’, she is not going to have it this year (this will be the 7 year anniversary) which I feel she has done so my bf blames me. I wanted to supper them and help remember the mum – but have been harshly shut out while they mourn, then he very next day it’s over and everyone’s happy, while I’m still reeling from the rejection and have done so for the past year. Our relationship has steadily gone down hill since – as I feel I don’t trust him anymore because he hasn’t got my back. If he visits me and she is home from uni, she rings him after about 2 hours and says he has to go home because she’s scared and there is a storm and that is in the middle of the day – it’s like – wtf – she’s jealous of him spending a few hours with me after I had just let them spend two days together – she is 20 not a baby. So after a lot of reading – I have realised that it was grief in the beginning but as his daughter has matured he has stopped grieving so much so as he can protect his daughter – who I believe is his mini wife. And I totally understand how it happens – just being the two of you grieving together- where I had 3 kids – harder to enmesh 3 although my eldest son acted like head man of the house, but I always had my boundaries and I always had the last word/decision.
So now their grief has turned into competition for him, and I don’t want to play this game. I have tried to talk to him – but he gets angry and grumpy at me, and says I just don’t understand! His daughter is consulted on all decisions and is besties with his mum who is dying with kidney failure currently, he has lost his dad and two brothers (one his twin) and his wife – so I really feel for him, but don’t take it out on me, it wasn’t my fault – I’ve been caring – so please can I get some respect. But before his twin died, he always bagged him – said he was a loser etc, then the second he dies – ‘oh he was a good guy – and then my bf gets all sad on it, pulls out the pity card. The daughter does much the same. I am about to break up with him, I still love him but can’t stand the pain of being 2nd, ghosts in the relationship, triangle relationship, mini wife, enmeshed. We always said kids 1st – that is wrong – it must be adults first – kids follow (that doesn’t mean we aren’t there to meet their needs), as the adults need to have charge and lay the boundaries. The other problem is he likes alcohol.
I feel like I must be sooooo stupid to get that sucked in by my bf, I thought he loved me but has never put me first before his daughter even once, even after asking for the past year – but have many stories of how widowers use the ‘widow excuse’ and treating the new SO like crap – being entitled to treat you poorly because ‘you haven’t lost anyone’? As the previous post said we will all lose someone someday – and personally I can’t imagine going around treating someone I supposedly love or anyone for that fact like shit because I’m hurting from losing someone – it doesn’t give you an excuse – we all hurt! IF I ever date again – I will stay clear of widowers and men with adult daughters. It’s been a roller coaster that has left me with low self esteem, competing against a 20 year old daughter and ghost wife, and can’t cope anymore.
Gosh, Shelly, there is certainly a lot to unpack here. First, so sorry to hear about the pain associated with your marriage. I’m also sorry you’ve had such a terrible experience with your boyfriend and his adult child. While, as a widow, I understand the toll of grief in a relationship, I do not understand or condone his behaviors – nor that of his child. It seems you overlooked many red flags and used his grief to justify his bad behavior. My blog post in no way justifies this behavior. I believe our current partners need to know we may always love our spouses, and underhanded things, such as tossing out their clothes, jewelry, etc., are unacceptable. I also am a firm believer in widows/widowers not inviting people into their lives UNLESS they are capable of loving and respecting them DESPITE their grief. Again, I’m sorry you went through this, and I hope you are true to your words and walk away from what sounds like a toxic relationship. All the best!
I’ve also addressed this mentality that you mentioned – widows thinking we own sadness – in a separate blog. Check it out: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/as-a-widow-i-dont-own-sadness_b_597f49f8e4b0c69ef70529cd?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAK4kxGZ9Loq2VTS7Hy1oNiKTqQO8ZoVFB41aBybM3aXvnL6CnnEucS_6eYMouHAV4a80XHYn-VBOpyu01KOJJF6JDhihaD5klXA4Lu-8IjDELDQLdsa5l6TRPy8wEU4o2ZkSqdOHnZes-6ykshXrCUCcFhTpzUKChIaxvE3Zi8Uj
I read this article sometime ago and I really liked it. I think I showed it to my ex widower but he never wanted to read it. People hurt so much sometimes that they decide to commit suicide: illnesses, divorce, bankruptcy, abuse of any form, difficult childhood, having children with sever special needs etc. So when my widower tells me that nothing is worse than death I just disagree. It only shows that life was generous for him before his tragedy and he has no idea what people have to deal with. I just wonder if he would rather have his Late wife leaving him for another man, taking his house, his child , made him pay child support so instead of generous life policy he will be homeless at the age of 40, hurt like never before, fight between loving her and hating her, imagine her being in the arms of another man in the house that he bought, with all dreams shattered, and the society not feeling sorry for him but very opposite blaming him for destroying children, and family life. I know that everybody will say that the they would rather have the spouses alive (I would say that too) but just imagine… and than you meet a widowed partner who tells you that your pain, your past is nothing to compare.
Lollll@the part Alain said when she dies tell her husband dont post about me on Facebook or be sad on certain anaversaries so new relationship wont get mad. Hah. Yes, Alain, i hope you get what your asking for. Some one who doesn’t love you enough to bother to keep your memory alive. Righttt. 👉. Im not sure if you have ever actually loved some one. When you love someone deeply and they die, it never ends. you can’t compare a spouse dying to someone who is living. Just don’t. There’s no comparison. If that living person was meant to be in your life today, then they would be there so where they @? Not there. Ok. 👌 Move onnnn. We actually feel as though we lost the love of our lives. Yes we can love someone else. Im not saying anyone needs to compete but in jt experience, my LH has proven ALOT to show me that he truly loves me so that next person is going to have to prove that to me as well. I just don’t want to waste my time with heart break or wrong person.
You are right Alain in your comment below, when you’re totally down on a divorce – broken heart, your immediately family have disowned you and are not speaking to you, caring for the children, struggling financially and while you’re down there – everyone gives you a wallop, and not a soul on the earth helps or cares – while in grief of a partner you receive much nicer care, people help, most divorces are also immense grief – imagine if divorced people went around being disrespectful to people because “they were hurting” – who knows this could in turn enable the widowers behaviour. Plus the insurance policy. Alain – what you described in your following post was like you raped backwards – the pain of not only losing your wife but also the continual pain of watching her flaunt her life at your expense – possibly prevent you from ever seeing your children again – you don’t get all of that with grief. I wonder Kerry if you’ve ever been through a terrible divorce – as if not – how can you compare?
I just lost my wife last month to alchoholism at the age of 37. Our marriage like any other had its ups and downs. In the beginning of our marriage everyone looked up to me and her because they knew we were in love. All my Marines looked to us for advice because we just made it work no matter what. Flash forward to the last year my wife was told to stop drinking or else she would not leave the hospital next time. That prediction came true. The love I had for my wife kept me by her side until her last breath. The love helped me endure the changes alcohol make in someone. Im not looking for pity or to corner the market on grief. My feeling do not invalidate yours. So many people have opinions on how widows or widowers should act ( including many family members and friends). When dating us this is something to take into consideration. Dating without heavy baggage is hard. Its even harder when society has opinions on when we should start seeing someone. The only person that knows when the time is right is us. There is no right way to grieve and that does not mean we arent ready. When someone is in a abusive relationship is it not hard to trust again or open your heart? In my situation living with an alcoholic (who was very verbally abusive newr the end) it leaves wounds that could never heal. I chose to talk and be open about my experiences very early after her death to both famoly friends and in laws. I have a very close relationship with my LW family and they have been very supportive and vocal that they want me to be happy. Remember not to group all widowers/widows into a group just like all groups there are bad people. Losing a loved one doesn’t make you a saint , it just means we experienced a tragic situation that can radically alter our persona.
Sorry for your loss. I absolutely agree. We don’t get sainthood because of a loss.
Kerry Phillips thank you much how can i communicate with you in prevate please eish i need help
Via the contact link
Jessie & Patty, I can empathize with you both. My wife has kept her dead first husband’s ashes for the 15 years we have been together. I’m accepting and don’t have a problem with this as the grieving process does not have a time limit. Being compared to said ashes is another issue altogether. Keep the past relationship out of the current.
Kerry, thank you for being so open and honest with what you’ve been through. I myself am in an unbelievably complicated situation and was wondering if you had any insight or advice for me. My boyfriend and I met last March when Covid shut everything down. We spent a few months together and long story short he ended up back with his ex-girlfriend. About five weeks after getting back with her she was hit and killed by a car right in front of him when he went to pick her up from a party. A few days after she was killed I reached out to him to offer my condolences and a friendly ear if he ever needed one. We reconnected and I am currently five months pregnant. I knew things were going to be difficult when we decided to be together because not only do we both deserve to be happy but we want to give our daughter the best life we can. The anxiety and stress That I am going through currently was very unexpected. I knew things were going to be more difficult because of the circumstances but I am at the point where I feel like I might even need to check myself into a mental health facility. How do we fight and make it work although he’s not only grieving her death and dealing with his PTSD from witnessing the incident but the feelings he still has for her?
Wow Jayme. Sounds like you both have so many things going on. It sounds like he needs time to process and unpack his grief. You also need to process the totality of what is going on. Have you considered individual as well as couple’s counseling? I think that might be the place to start to bring the baby into a healthy relationship or co-parenting situation.
What about the other side of the coin here? Does anyone ever consider the person who doesn’t set out to love a widow, but finds themselves in that situation anyway? Does anyone truly know how hard it is to be the person loving someone who still has that prematurely extinguished love for someone else? It’s funny how the dead husband’s flaws and mistakes never seem to make it into the memories.
I ask this at the risk of sounding selfish or uninformed because you may have not considered a different aspect of this situation. I fear you may have presupposed that the widower truly is ready to move on. You may have assumed they have put in the work to grieve and process their emotions and to really understand that they are ready to love another.
I did not have the luxury of truly knowing that. I had to trust that my ex wife was serious when she said she wanted to move on and to do it with me. I had trust that she could process her grief and allow herself to set it aside and carve out new area of her heart in which to love me. But sitting here after 10 years, dissecting the ways in which I felt unfulfilled in the relationship, it feels a lot like the things I was always missing were things that she was never prepared to share with me. Come to find out, she just repressed all of her trauma and didn’t deal with it. Then once she did, suddenly all of my flaws were too much for her to continue in a relationship with me. Suddenly, she couldn’t focus on us, because she needed to focus on grieving him. And maybe that’s the price I pay for not looking before leaping; but it seems really easy to put the widower on a pedestal without really examining what those who choose to love them have to deal with.
The worst part is, I have done a tremendous amount of healing throughout our breakup and I feel like I’m in a place where I could accept what happened. But the part that I still can’t seem to wrap my head around is–knowing what I know now–did she ever love me? Is this the dissolution of a relationship that just didn’t work, or is it just the logical end to one that never should have been to begin with?
I’m glad you’ve done healing and are able to look back at what went wrong. I don’t think being open to date following a loss should simply be lip service. If your partner’s actions show there is no room in his/her heart to accept or give love then it’s probably best to not pursue it. I have always advocated for open and honest communication – as in any relationship. I’m sure she did love you. Perhaps she just wasn’t ready – delayed grief…
My boyfriend has been widowed and he and I have dated for two years now. He has a very young kid whom I love as much as I love him. He introduced me to his family and in laws. He treats me very well, talks about how he wants to start his future with me.
He still wears his wedding ring and has pictures of his LW at his house which don’t bother me at all. I don’t want to pressure him to do anything he is not ready to do and the pictures are displays of his daughter’s mother. But the fact that his profile picture is still with his late wife bothers me. To be honest, I see that picture every time I text him and a profile picture is somethings that should represent his present.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this. It’s not jealousy that I feel, but it just hurts. Makes me feel like I’m dating a married man. I completely accept that his wife will always be part of him because his wife, her death, is all part of what made him the man I love today.
But the fact that I have to see that profile picture every single day is hurtful. I don’t know if I’m being selfish or a hypocrite but I want to talk to him about this. How can I approach this without being insensitive? Or is it even okay for me ask?
Hi Sophie. Thanks for reaching out. I think it’s important to be open and honest with how it makes you feel. Your feeling as very valid and fair. I even polled my widow group and even we felt we’d be bothered by this if we were dating a fellow widowed person. Some additional feedback included checking to see if he even knows how to change his profile pic – he could be technologically challenged – or, suggest both of you take a photo together and replace it with the new pic. Worst case, suggest a photo of him by himself.
Thank you All! I am fortunate to be dating a widow who is very considerate of my feelings around her grief over losing her husband 10 years ago, and I try to meet her pain with compassion. It works if you both want it to and are kind. One thing that may help a widow/widower in this situation is to understand that it can be hard at times for your new mate not to feel like a consolation prize. Its no fault of yours, but your mourning can imply a wish that the loss hadn’t happened – which by extension wishes away your current mate. Try to imagine how that would feel if the situation were reversed and keep that feeling in mind as you do your necessary and natural mourning and rememberance. It’s a challenging situation, but it can work if you are both kind and considerate 🙂
It is a competition with a ghost if the widowed make it one…..Been there and the ghost won. She liked what being a widow brought her rather than the hard work she would have to do in loving someone new.
Run, Run, Run! before you get too deep with a widower!
I myself is a widow at age 43, I am now 60. In my 17 years of widowhood, I had a 2 Two year long term relation with two widowers. They all came to me strong and were actually loving boyfriends on the surface. However when things got serious and we became closer emotionally, both of them acted like I did not matter and their late wife was number 1. One man actually put back on his wedding band when we got closer (his wife died 4 years prior), and the recent one ended told me (he could not control himself I guess) in our bedroom that “his wife was his love of life,” and multiple times when we were in happy moments – without mentioning how grateful he had me in his life now and present. His wife passed 7 years prior! Both of these men assured me over and over again when we started dating that they were ready!!
I think women after widowed usually go over their grieve properly while men just want to find a plug and play woman to replace their “love of life.” I will avoid widowers at ALL cost.
Ladies, do not give in and put up with all that. We need to be the number 1 for his life now.
Period!
Lee
Sorry you’ve had such terrible experiences. I can’t say that’s been the norm with the widowers I have encountered.
You said that ‘we knew we were entering into a relationship with a widower/widow when we started dating’ and that we should therefore ‘expect to be able to cope knowing that our widower/widow partner will continue to love their late spouse and at times may reminisce in ways that inadvertently hurt us’.
But the reality is that we didn’t enter into the relationship knowing or experiencing that. I met an incredibly attentive, loving and giving person who made me feel like the center of his universe. It was only later, after I had become attached, that things came up that made me realise I wasn’t the person around whom he orientated.
For example, when gifted him a beautiful Japanese cup and saucer he immediately retrieved a cup his late wife had made him as it reminded him of it. Why can’t my gift just be that, a gift from me to him that is unique and special, and not something that straight away takes his feelings away from what we’re creating to what he and his late wife had created? On another occasion, my daughter gifted me a small cutlery set and I was chatting to my widower about wanting to purchase some extra items. He said, ‘we don’t have matching cutlery’. ‘We’ being himself and his late wife (he and I were already living together at this stage and I was so deeply floored and hurt that I didn’t know what to say).
These comments and things like this come up for us partners when we least expect it. We think we’re having normal conversations or doing normal things that and we’re suddenly confronted by the fact that our partner has disappeared into a world where we can’t reach them. Things we do suddenly don’t have anything to do with the here and now and instead have taken our partners back to a time before us. These are just two examples, but instances like this happen all the time and there was nothing in our original courting that indicated this would happen.
So we are left thinking that our widowers ultimately may revert to having their late spouse as their center of existence at any moment, all the while still knowing that when they’re not drawn back there, they do love us and do want to create something together.
So what are we to do? Leave the person who gives us comfort and with whom we are genuinely building something because from time to time they’ve suddenly shown us that deep down our here and now isn’t their center?
I miss my ex husband dearly. He left me very suddenly. The loss of him in my life was complete and immediate. He was existing in the the world but not existing for me. I too am triggered by places we go, by things received, by comments that also take me to a dark place of just wishing he were back. I never chose for the life o had with him to end. But no, I don’t share those moments with my current partner. I also am almost too scared to share them with myself as he isn’t coming back, not be Ayse he died, but because his fully rejected me. It was his choice and I didn’t/don’t add up.
My partner brings his late wife into our now and in that reiterates that he and she were loved and that she is remembered warmly.
If I bring my ex husband into our lives it’s a reminder that I loved, but was not loved in return. There’s no care extended to me by the community. Instead there’s a suspicion that I must have been and likely still am inadequate. And I feel that deeply myself.
Please don’t presume to think that those who start relationships with widowers know what they’re getting into. They don’t, and the experiences and personal responses come as an enormous shock. But the realization comes too late and once you’ve already formed bonds and fallen in love. Yes, I can decide to leave and can decide that I’m just not happy knowing that at any moment suddenly my now partner won’t be there with me, but it’s a very hard and painful decision to make because when he is with me it’s wonderful and right. But the truth is that he isn’t there always.