My fear is not my inability to love. The love I still have for my late-spouse, gone more than six years ago, is proof that I have the capacity to love with my entire being. My grief is proof that love doesn’t simply end with a phone call, a cancer diagnosis, a suicide, a workplace accident. No, love lives on long after we’ve said our final goodbyes. Long after the well-wishers stop visiting. Long after the phone calls. Long after others stop mentioning his name…
Tomorrow isn’t promised. As a young widow, I should know that. But my mind struggles with this dual reality of moving forward as parts of my former life fade from memory. I’m saddened that if my current relationship continued for 40 years, that’s the great love story others will see. They won’t know that at some point in my life, there was a man who literally stopped traffic to introduce himself. They won’t know about the person who was the Ying to my Yang. They won’t know how his love and subsequent unexpected death helped mold me into the person that makes my love with my new guy possible. They won’t know that before this guy, there was another who held my heart.
I know that I’m not alone with these thoughts (I’m not, right?). That’s why I’m so bothered by non-widows frowning at us for dating post-loss. They have no idea the mental struggles and anxiety we face taking the first step to even open our hearts to the possibility of love. They don’t get the guilt, fears and irrational thoughts we have before and even during a relationship. They don’t know the angst of loving again, knowing that we can lose him too…the shame we feel for having a stronger connection with a new partner than we had with a late spouse…the sadness that comes with the judgment from friends and family…the struggle with moving forward.
While my fears may be valid, I also know it’s important to not live in a state of “what-if”. It’s just unfortunate that in living, we forget. In moving forward, we let go ever so slightly of our past. I only wish that I could hold onto all those memories as much as the love I continue to have for my late spouse.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.
This is so true. My friends are a bit miffed that I am in a new serious relationship. It’s been almost 3 years since I became a widow. Recently they suggested I do some type of memorial to my late husband because they miss him. They don’t understand how hard it was to get to this point. I think about my LH everyday. As you said, I can love this new man because my husband loved me so well.
At the end of the day, we just have to do what makes our heart happy and hope that those who don’t understand will eventually come around
So true. Thank you for sharing this. I feel very blessed to be able to fall in love again. I also push thoughts out of my mind about losing again. Can’t go there.
That’s the same mantra I try to follow too: Don’t go there
I lost my husband last year & have started dating again. There is a fair amount of guilt involved with continuing my life when my soulmate is no longer here. I just keep trying to think about what he would want for me. My happiness was important to him so I try to hold on to that.
Lovie: I lost my wife last year as well, and have been thinking of dating. But as you said there is a lot of guilt associated with it. There is also the concern that someone else won’t understand, or be needlessly jealous of the person I lost. She will always be a part of my life, and so will her relatives and friends.
Since you’ve already started dating, how do you handle these rather “big deals” when they come up in conversation with potential new partners?
I’ve been thinking it might simply be easier to date another person who has experienced a similar loss. It seems that a lot of misunderstandings could be avoided, but I can also see some potential pitfalls in this approach.
“They won’t know that at some point in my life, there was a man who literally stopped traffic to introduce himself. They won’t know about the person who was the Ying to my Yang. They won’t know how his love and subsequent unexpected death helped mold me into the person that makes my love with my new guy possible. They won’t know that before this guy, there was another who held my heart.”
This! This is one of my biggest fear. Hubby passed before we got the chance for kids, I sometimes think one day I’ll have kids with someone else and everyone will forget how much I love him, the kids will never know that mummy was married or if they do won’t realise how much he meant to me because “he’s not my dad”. He’ll always be a part of me, but at some point I may be in a relationship with someone for longer than I knew him and people will forget…
Thank you for your honesty and encouraging words. My LH passed away 15 months ago and I just got to the point where I am ready to start thinking about dating. I know there will be some who may not understand. But like you said, they don’t live with this every day and know what’s in our hearts. Thanks again for your support.
Yes, yes and yes. My LH passed away 2.5 years ago and I’ve been remarried 4 months. I seem to be able to get my mind on board with all of it (eg, my LH would not have wanted me or our kids to be without someone to love us, my new husband is amazingly loving and sensitive with all of us and we love each other and want to do life together, it doesn’t matter what others think) but my heart is still often resistant — it gets to be too much to redefine my love story. My heart just sort of digs in and refuses because it never sought to change who or how I love. I inevitably just need time alone to feel what I feel.