Several months ago, as a grief wave washed over me, I did what so many other widows do. I wondered what my life would have looked like had I not lost my husband. Had I not gotten that phone call on a beautiful Sunday morning while sitting in the church parking lot. Had I actually gotten more than 371 days as his wife…
I bemoaned the fact that I was widowed at 32 years old. I complained to the universe that this wasn’t the life that I’d signed up for. That my rediscovering my passion for writing and telling stories shouldn’t be rooted in so much pain and sorrow.
I went to bed in a funk, missing my husband and the man I’d obviously made up as my husband would never have taken charge of any of these repair jobs. That had typically been my area of expertise. That’s something I often have to check myself about: Are you grieving reality or a fantasy?
My grief wave lingered for days to the point where I chose to ignore my present because I was so wrapped in my “if only he were here” fantasy.
It’s not often that I dream about my late-spouse but when I do, he typically delivers a powerful “get your act together” message. I dreamt about him soon after this latest “episode” and this time was no different:
He was calm but stern. He repeated it.
“I don’t get to be a choice.”
I woke up confused about what at the time seemed like such a bizarre statement. Then it came to me.
Every moment I spend living in the “what if” takes me away from my present. Every impossible scenario I fantasize about robs me of the time I have right now. Living in the past does me and everyone in my present a disservice. If my husband hadn’t died, I’m sure my life would have been different. But the reality is that he is dead. Missing him, loving him doesn’t mean holding onto to the past so tightly that I don’t let my present in.
Don’t get me wrong, my present life isn’t the sloppy seconds to the life I could have lived with my spouse. I only knew with 100 percent certainty about our past and our present. I don’t know what Year 5 or even Year 10 of our marriage would have looked like. Yes, we could have been the envy of our friends, but the truth is, we could have lost our way.
I felt like I was being told to choose life over death. To choose forward progress over stagnation. To choose my present because my past – our past – isn’t an option and neither is our future.
I can only work with the current deck of cards I’ve been dealt. Somewhere along the line, I lost the card I most treasured. But does that mean I fold and walk away from the table? No, it simply means I play on in the hopes of having a winning hand when it’s time to cash in the chips.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.
Perfectly said. I’m only 15 months into the world of widow and your words are a reminder to concentrate on moving forward while appreciating my past. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing.
I appreciate it, Karen. Thank you <3
Wow….you have opened my eyes to something I haven’t seen yet in my little over 2 year journey into widowhood….thank you
Glad it could help, Sarah
It is so hard especially at night when you are most alone.
Hugs, Susan. I totally get it. Maybe consider an online support group – not the same by any means but it gives you a chance to connect with others who get it.
It isn’t that easy managing my emotions for 6 years into this journey. Forgetting the past seems so difficult, ignoring d future seems impossible. Even d present is full of fear and uncertainty. It’s only by d grace of God that I’m able to carry-on. D word of God encourages and strengthens, directs and pave way for me.
Absolutely not an easy process and I don’t advocate forgetting your past. I could never forget my late husband existed. I definitely wouldn’t have attained this level of peace, had I not leaned on God and my faith. All the best to you
Wow – this is very thought provoking. I’ve recently allowed myself to open up to love again after losing my husband. This puts into words what I’ve been feeling for the last couple of months. I have to work with the hand I’ve been dealt, it wasn’t my choice, nor was it his. But that doesn’t mean that life for me stops at 47 (46 when he died). Our grieving process began the moment we heard the doctors give us that terminal diagnosis. We never spoke that to each other, we just loved each other thru the time we had left and enjoyed life to the fullest. I’m thankful for that time, and for my new journey that’s allowed me to love someone again.
I think that’s one of the bravest things we do as widows – put our hearts out there again. All the best in your new relationship
Wow, this couldn’t have been more perfectly put. You opened me up to thinking a little differently. Thanks for sharing!
Glad it was helpful, Jessica 🙂
Thank you for this….My sister in law married my brother (who died in the line of duty) and remarried only to lose him while she was gone for the day to really unknown causes. She was widowed twice by 47. I do not know how she finds the strength to go on…but for her 2 children. One by each husband….thank goodness she has a part of each that lives on.
Oh wow. So sad that it happens to some widows twice in a lifetime. My heart hurts for your sister in law.
Hi I am Lesley I lost my husband last year on holidays he drowned in Sri lanker I have a big family and grandchildren but it’s not the same I miss male company nice walks meals out holidays I miss cuddling so much I would give anything to have him back he was my works for 26 years
Big hugs. It’s never enough time 🙁
Very true and always a message I have lived by. Forward steps every day even with the bad days. One day you will look back and see just how far you have come without realising. It’s brutal and undignified at times. It’s still a gift I have to walk talk and breathe the air that comes rushing in to my lungs. Be thankful for today. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. X
True indeed. One day at a time
So much wisdom and truth to this. The day after my spouse died I heard him tell me ( don’t go looking for grief ) just live it will find you. I quickly learned that grief is not a place to stay , but it’s a visitor . And I embrace it when it comes .. it’s about the love we lost. My foundation of truth, life and living is all wrapped up in what we have been thru for 33 years . I want my life to reflect on what a great Man he was.
WOW! Love that and it’s so very true
4 years and two months it has been since I entered widowhood. It doesn’t get easier, especially when you have seven children who miss their dad tremendously. We have another lady in the family who actually lost three husbands in the same manner which was car accident and had injuries from the accidents. She only ever had one child but she is married to a fourth man and we’re hoping this one lasts.