In almost every aspect of our life, we get to love more than one of something. We get to love multiple children…numerous friends…more than one pet…many different books, foods, places, etc. Doesn’t it stand to reason that we can love more than one partner? Why is it that when intimacy is involved, our heart has to be limited and has to play by some arbitrary “rule”?
My husband died. It was sudden and unexpected. I woke up one morning and went about my day as a married woman. Less than three hours later I was widowed.
I also get to date while missing my husband. I get to be swept off my feet and fall madly in love with another man while still missing my husband. I get to post silly pictures of my new love on Facebook on Tuesday and pour my heart out about my late-spouse four days later on what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. You don’t get to tell me what’s acceptable or not. You have no right to grief shame me because you don’t “get it”.
While I appreciate that you put on your black dress/suit and gave your condolences at the funeral, you got to go home – probably to your spouse – and return to normalcy. For me, the funeral was the easy part. It’s everything that came after and continues to come…
The widowed community is always being told to “get over it”. How can we? The life we knew is no more. We can’t go back. Hell, many of us can’t even recall our lives prior to our spouses. We were teens, young adults just making our way in the world. Our entire adult lives were our spouses. “Over” implies there is something to step into on the other side. What’s there beyond the unknown? Yes, one day we’ll get to a place of happiness and maybe even joy (and even then, we’ll miss our spouses), but we certainly don’t need you or society trying to push us off the ledge. We can tip-toe into the unknown or run wildly into the darkness, hoping the journey isn’t too long. And, we can also reserve the right to return to that grief ledge. As much as it sucks being there, it is familiar.
Spare me your shaming. Spare me your “it’s not fair to your new partner” diatribes. Spare me the social media comments on how it’s “weird” that I’m enjoying life one minute and crying the next. Spare me your non-widowed views on widowhood. Spare me your judgment.
I, and I alone, determine what my grief looks like and how it manifests itself in my life.
Sincerely,
Fed-up Widow
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Love your work as always. Thanks for writing how we feel and think in silence.
Thanks!
This is amazing and so well spoken. I lost my husband 1 year six months ago. I started dating very quickly for reasons unknown. I happen to be dating a man my husband and I where friends with. I lost so many friends and the comments where ungodly rude. I read these post because it feels like words rolling out my own mouth. How many times I have said the same thing. Makes me feel human. Makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you..
Love it! I just became a widow at age 47 on 10/26/17 two days before our 28th anniversary. I don’t know what to do. I started dating him at 16 and got married at 18.
Hugs. Take it minute by minute if you have to. Celebrate each milestone.
Thank you so much. I’m pretty much feeling and doing all the same things you describe. Your words help me to feel a little less crazy this morning.
Thanks, Danny!
I also was windowed at 32 with a then 5 year old son in 2016…..not a place I would wish anyone else to be…I am interested on some good reads on windowed dating..any recommendations?
If you do a search on “Dating” on this site, you may find some helpful blog posts. Also, a Google search may also turn up some insightful pieces.
Great article thank you. I have been struggling and have felt alone in a crowd. My husband, my daughter’s father was killed 10 mos ago in a car accident. By someone in our community. Whose daughter is in my daughter’s grade at her HS. All of it is so complicated. And no one understands. I appreciate hearing about how others handle things – and what others say that profess to love you but say the most hurtful things.
Wow, that must be so difficult. If you haven’t already joined a support group, please consider it. You might find it helpful
I can completely relate having lost my husband at a young age due to cancer. How ironic life (and death) can be with our triumphs and mistakes. Forget the rule book and just trying to get through each day…I admire your courage for expressing these feelings publicly.
I agree. There is definitely no rule book. Thanks for commenting.
Only wish I had found this blog almost two years ago. In a way it is so validating that for the last 22months I wasn’t crazy for all these feeling. I lost my husband after ten years of being together and 91/2 years of marriage. I lost my everything and really didn’t know who I was anymore. When I look back don’t even now how to think life would have been if he hadn’t had Cystic fibrosis. I was his wife / friend / caregiver and mother to our only Daughter. I won’t say I lost my self but I became a new me and after a decade of living life that way I found my self having to find my self all over again. I am someone new today. I have found love again. And some times it a huge struggle within myself and other days I couldn’t be more confident it who and where I am today. Thank you for starting this blog. It is helping this lost young widow
Thanks, Tara. Hearing that I’m also helping others has been such a huge part of my own healing.
Another great article.
Thanks!
Thank you for this, it really resonated with me. I also became a widow at 32, our daughter was 8 months old at the time. The same people that judge me for dating are also the same people that tell me “You’re really only going to have ONE kid? Don’t you think she will be lonely?”. Yes, I only want one kid, but if I wanted more how would I accomplish this without finding a partner? Oh wait, why am I explaining this, it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It’s infuriating sometimes.
It never ceases to amaze me what comes out of people’s mouth. You’re right: It’s none of their business!
Great article..everything u said it’s so true I been a widow for 3 yrs… I can’t see myself dating ..I was married for 28 yr.. I find it to hard to be with another man..
Thanks, Patricia. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to date again. We all have to choose our paths and find out happiness where we can.
I’ve been a widow for nearly six years now and I’ve never been told to ‘get over’ anything. I’m thankful I’ve always had a good support system of family, friends and church family.
That’s awesome, Angela. I wish that was every widow’s experience.
Great words!! I too am a widow…twice!!!! May I share my book with your readers…Hope for the Grieving Spouse. http://www.lindaswindermancronebaugh.com. I was widowed at 51 and 60.
Wow. I can’t imagine. Thanks for sharing the link.
I lost my hubby in my mid 30s and was left with a young child. No one really understands unless they have been through it. Despite remarriage I do miss my first husband, not every day, but it is there.
I’ve heard it never does (and that’s perfectly okay). Congrats on remarriage
I am not a widow but I do follow a group that posted this…and it’s beautiful. We as a society have SO far to go when it comes to death and grieving. People judge endlessly and i simply don’t get it. Wishing you and all who lost their spouses here love and peace.
Thanks for the kind words, Ellen <3
Great article. I was 49 when I lost my husband April 6 2011.
I was scared how I was going to do this .. raising my son that was 14 years old at the time. He is 22 years old now a senior at University of Nebraska majoring in business.
Myself I’m okay .. I still have my days. Now it’s time to start a new life .. and this scares me but God will walk with me and I hope I will fine a special man to be with the rest of my life.
Congrats on your son’s successes. Yes, God will continue to walk with you. He’s already brought you this far <3
That was SO beautifully written and SO true..many hugs
Thanks!
Lost my husband at 46 in a car accident, father to my beautiful sons.People always say,”I don’t want to bring up my husband” for fear they may remind me. I remember with joy and pain my beautiful husband. My reality is so unlike most and it feels good to read your beautiful words.
Thank you, Maria. As widower John Polo often reminds the widowed community, we have to speak the names of our late spouses. Glad his name brings such happy memories for you <3
To one who truely gets what it’s like – thank you.
I appreciate that, Tammy. Thanks
I just ran across your page and FINALLY, someone who gets it!!! I lost my husband to a tragic and sudden accident 3 1/2 years ago. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him or wish things were different.
I did finally have the courage to move forward because life doesn’t stop. I’ve been dating a wonderful man who fills that void while getting “cut down” and “hated” by others and my family because they think it’s disrespectful.
Thanks, Michelle. So happy to read you’re doing what makes YOU happy and ignoring the haters.
widowed 21 years ago IT certainly DOSE NOT GO AWAY
YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT
Exactly!
I’m not so young ,but I am widowed and probably will never date ! We were married for 50 years . I met my husband in college when I was 19 years old . I still relate to much of what you write . It doesn’t hurt any less because we had more years . It hurts like hell every day ! It has been less than two years.
I have come to learn 1 year or 75 years, it’s just never enough time.