I see your Facebook posts tucked between all the other widow’s comments about love and loss.
They share stories of their fairy-tale marriages. How their spouse was the best thing that ever happened to them. How he was the man of their dreams and loved them with the kind of love that could rival any Hollywood romance script. As you read the comments, you wonder why that wasn’t your reality. You reflect on how that used to be your truth. You were both so young and carefree with the entire world before you. There was no alcohol, no drugs, no mental illness, and no depression. It was just the two of you determined to take on life…together.
But things changed. That social drinker started needing more and more alcohol to get through the day. The occasional drug use became a daily thing. Those demons, the ones he fought so hard to control, began winning more and more battles.
My dear widow sister, I have no doubt that you feel tortured. I see it in your words. You mourn the man you married and the person you knew he could be. You feel robbed of the future that you pictured in your head. But you also feel free. The toxicity that once threatened to suck you in is no more. The abuse you suffered – emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically – is over. The countless lies you had to tell to cover his behavior, the injuries you had to hide, the children you had to protect…
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I can’t pretend to imagine all that you’ve endured. Seeing your husband, the person who was supposed to protect, love and honor you, morph into someone you could no longer recognize must have been difficult. I don’t know why you couldn’t have been the widow who has a lifetime of happy memories to get her through the darkest of days. I don’t understand why your marriage was so rocky. Why you had to cry alone at nights while your husband disrespected your marriage vows. I don’t know why you didn’t get a ‘happily ever after’ with him.
I do know however, that you have every right to love and hate him – even within the same social media post. You get to voice your hurt and disappointment in a sea of comments from widows talking about how amazing their marriage was. You get to be pissed and rant and vent about his infidelity. You don’t have to bottle the stress you endured with his refusal to seek professional health. You don’t have to explain why you loved a man who struggled to love you with the same intensity that you love him. You don’t have to feel “we” are judging you for staying with a man you promised to love through better and worse. Your widowed journey isn’t any less valued than any other person who has lost a spouse.
And, while your friends, family and strangers may feel the need to comment on the fact that you’ve “moved on” so quickly, I want you to know that you never have to be ashamed of receiving love. You deserve it. They don’t know that you were separated, sleeping in different rooms or had even met with a divorce attorney just before your husband’s death. Even still, it’s not their business. You owe no one an explanation for ultimately finding true happiness, whether five months of five years post-loss.
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You’re not a terrible person for loving – and hating – your spouse. You’re not evil for missing him – though feeling relieved. You’re not wrong for staying – though resenting him. You’re not “crazy” for wishing he wasn’t dead – but thankful that it’s over. You’re not a cold-hearted bitch for grieving – yet embracing your newfound peace.
I know that you can love someone and not his actions…love someone for what he was and not who is currently is…and love someone for what you think he has the potential to become and not where he is at the moment.
Please know that you never need to hide your emotions or feel any less “widowed.” As you continue your journey towards healing, I hope you’ll find peace…with your emotions and with his death. Most importantly, I hope you’ll know that it wasn’t your fault and you’re entitled to be happy again – whatever that happiness looks like to you.
This article is included in Kerry Phillips’ latest book, “Letters to the Widowed Community.”
Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Thank you for writing this. We kept our secrets well hidden. And when he died, it was a relief for me. I feel horrible for my children, but my life is 100% better. I am better. And there are times, i wonder how I could be so cold hearted. I read about these women who struggle to move on. I met with my counselor 90 days after his passing, and she gave me permission to start my life again. It was scary but thrilling.
Stephanie, I’m so happy to read you’ve heeded the advice and given yourself that permission as well. All the best!
Kerry.. I was also widowed at 32 with 4 children. I cannot thank you enough for writing the exact words of the hearts of so many women out there. You hit the nail on the head exactly and drove home my feelings. Thank you. Keep on keeping on widowsister.
thank you for this. I was widowed at 38. He was 44. We had a 10 year old at the time. It still feels like yesterday. The descriptions you write about are right on! I had to sorta close my eyes when I read this because that is exactly how it felt.
I am so relieved to read these words as they describe my marriage n widowhood perfectly. I have never told anyone how relieved I was when he died. I loved him but not his behaviour n endured many years feeling sad n depressed. I read other widows posts n feel guilty because I don’t feel the same so I am a fraud to belong to your group. Bless you Kerry..xxx
Big hugs, Karen. Thank you!
While I am happy for my friends who had a loving, healthy and happy relationship with their partners, I am somewhat jealous at times. I don’t miss the alcoholism, addiction, infidelity and all the stuff that came with his struggles. I don’t mourn the man that died. I mourn the man that I loved and married. The faithful one. I regret staying when I had every reason not to. Such a bittersweet life
Big hugs, Jamie
Thanks. This is exactly how I feel
Thank you for posting this. Its so true I loved my husband. I also prayed God would take him home. Too much osin and suffering for both of us.
Thank for writing this it’s right on
Point
Ya
As I sit here crying and reading this I feel understood completely for the first time in my journey as a widow.Thank you so much for sharing. It’s a comforting feeling to know I’m not totally alone in this twisted experience.
I’m honored to be able to tell your story and hope you can find healing knowing you aren’t alone.
💜
I too prayed that he would get sober and work through his mental health or go home to God. :'( Our child was suffering and we were suffering.
I love my fiance and every day I miss the man he was when he was well. But I got sober and he didn’t. So he died in an abandoned house across town with his meth lab. It kills me every day, but our child and so could not live like that any longer. :'(
♥️
I truly thought I was the only one. When he passed our friends practically sainted him. Couldn’t understand when I wanted to find true love, the way it’s supposed to be. I miss him, and I don’t. I will always love him, but he was flawed. I consider my marriage a love story with a lot of heartbreak. But I also feel like I’ve been given a second chance to find another great love story in my life. This one less idealistic, more sage, and more fulfilling. Love to all of you that are experiencing the dichotomy of emotions post loss. It’s hard to admit that I felt relieved eventually for my marriage to be over. Though I feel blessed that I truly loved him from 15 to his last dying breath at 39. One of my greatest accomplishments and I regret nothing. ❤️
Thank you for this. For giving a voice to the ones who are so often disregarded and drowned out. To the ones who feel that if they aren’t putting their husband on a pedestal, they aren’t doing it right.
The relief was instant. But so was the sorrow. There was no more fighting. No more court dates for criminal charges. But there was also no more late night cuddles or days spent fishing at the pond.
It’s so hard to reconcile the two extremes.
So, again, thank you. For putting it out there. I hope it helps others in similar situations. And those who were lucky enough to live the fairy tale, I hope it helps them understand.
Thank you, Emily. As someone told me, grief is so alike, yet so different. It’s my hope that we can all understand each other’s journey a bit more.
Verbal and mentally abused I was by my lying cheating husband for 15 of our 20 married years. I always took care of him. I am still tell people how proud I am of him, what a great husband he was and oh, how much I miss him. SMH because I feel it’s the right thing to do. How horrible would it be to really tell the truth? People judge and don’t understand.
But it’s okay to say your marriage was hard. And that you’re glad you’re able to move on. Don’t feel like you have to lie for others. Your truth might be a needed light to someone else. Bless you!
So much you said was true for me too. It was not that bad but it also wasn’t that good and that is difficult to grapple with. I want to remember the good and share with his kids the good memories.
I can’t begin to image how conflicting that must be for you, Kristin. Yes, remember the good, especially for your children.
Thank you!
You’re very welcome!
The pain of sudden loss and the relief of recognizing the finality of the abuse to me and its affect on my 13 yr old are so intertwined. I cannot separate them. We suffered quietly. My son struggles because he gets it. He misses his dad but not the constant abuse, and stress and fighting and yelling. He asks often if it is wrong to be happy and moving on. We have worked on permission to both grieve and to accept the peace.
Hugs to you, Pam. Acceptance of that peace – therein is the challenge. Hopefully with prayer and therapy you’ll both make peace and move towards ultimate healing.
Thank you. You spoke to each of us in this unique situation.
Thank you, Angie
My husband died in 2018. We had been separated off and on for a year due to his actions. He liked himself in front of me and our daughter. The last text I got from him said I would be in pain the rest of my life. I miss the man he was before all the abuse. I don’t miss the man he became. I don’t miss wondering what he’s doing or who he is with or hiding his gun to protect myself. I hurt for our children and his family and friends. I cry for what should have been but wasn’t. I thought I was a terrible person for being relieved the abuse was over. It makes me feel better I am not alone.
That’s why it’s so important to share and tell our stories. Nothing is more healing than hearing “me too”
I too suffered in silence for 5 years before he died 5 years ago from prescribed pain pills for an unsuccessful back surgery…the emotional abuse from him was awful…I felt guilty for being relieved…it is still hard to deal with those feelings…I am 79 years old and I had many good years but I DO not wish he were back..
Totally understandable. Glad you’re emotionally in a better place now.
True. Your sharing this is life changing for me. I have wrestled with this since his death. Thank you.
Thank you so very much. Glad it was helpful and hopefully you feel less alone.
Oh thank you thank you for addressing this!! So well said! It is a very complicated conflicting bunch of emotions I have had to attempt to process over the past two years! My fairy tale turned into the Jerry Springer show. I love the man he used to be, I don’t miss the pathetic cheating drunk he became.
I know it must be difficult. I’m happy that I could even share some of what you feel in hopes of shining a light on your struggles.
This describes me to a tee! My LH had many demons that caused a lot of trouble for us.
I totally relate to the feeling of loss but also releif for it to be over.
Thank you for this because I’m slowly losing the guilt for moving forward and for being happy and in love again!!! ❤❤
Wow, thank you. My grief is so complicated. My husband had addiction problems for most of the 33 years we were together. I’m just now sorting through the hurt and anger it caused me. I feel guilty for loving a man who was so good to me but ripped my heart out at the same time. We lost our home, he lost jobs, cars, legal problems, money problems and on and on. Perscription drug intoxication and heart attack was the cause of his death 16 months ago. I do not miss the addiction and all that came with it. I miss my best friend. I’m torn on how I could love someone who was so messed up. It adds so many complicated feelings to my grief. I didn’t get to say goodbye. That hurts. I wish there was a support group for this type of grief. I need it. I’m seeing a therapist but it’s so slow and painful. Like letting go
of the poison that took over my body for over 30 years. I could write a book.
LW, I’ve learned that there is such a group on Facebook. It’s a closed group called LNWW Heartbroken Widows and Widowers. Someone shared it as a comment in response to my article. I hope you’ll look into it and it’s helpful.
And write that book! It’s great healing and you’ll help others as well.
Thank you for sharing that group. I need a closed group because my children are on Facebook and I would never want to disrespect their father in a public forum. He was a pain in the ass though. A fun, wild, pain in the ass.
I’ve been trying to “write that book” for 7 years. I once wrote an article about it online (and got paid, yay!) and my stomach was an absolute mess the whole time. Maybe I can get it out. Thanks for inspiring…
LW I can relate. I was in a similar situation as you.
LW I was in a very similar relationship as you were. I have so many mixed emotions still. I’ve been seeing a therapist for 7 months but I feel like I need more than that.
“Widows of Addiction: safe zone” is also very affirming and helpful. I never knew anyone else was going through the same as I, until he passed and I found this group.
Wow Thank You I needed this today. It is nice to know I’m not alone in this, there were moments of pure joy and then it was like someone flipped a switch and I didn’t recognize him at all.
Hugs. Glad the article could be of help 🙂
Thank you for posting. I have not shared my story. I can relate to everything that was written.
Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I could relate to many of the things you touched on. I miss the “wonderful guy” he was capable of being, and I try to focus on the good we enjoyed. I don’t miss the sharp tongue, and the depression that could at times “suck me in” and “the moods” that would cause me to question my thoughts and actions. No more walking on eggs shells.
It’s a struggle for many making sense of these extreme emotions. Glad my words reflected some of these thoughts.
Thank you, Kerry. This is so true yet so isolating.
Hope you know you aren’t alone, Julie.
Good good thanks for helping each other there.sharing minds is the weapon to fight loneliness
God bless you Dia
Thank you!
Wow, this was therapeutic to me. The shame and the intensity of our kind of grief is something I’m too scared to talk about.
I remember my doctor telling me in the early days that it’s ok to be relieved, I lived in fear for his life for 7 years and it’s like watching someone die of cancer. You know the enivitable will come but you can be relieved for both him and myself.
6 months last week and the final inquest verdict came in and I have found a sense of releif from this. His family hate me and blame me but that verdict of non intention to die with physocamatic illness has given me my freedom back and stopped me wanting to struggle for their approval any longer.
I miss the ‘good’ him but I don’t miss the relentless fight. I started to believe that I was thriving on the misery. But now know that isn’t me, I’ve found myself again. I’m a little lonely however I know and hope my time will come.
I would never have moved on or left him, I would have stayed married to him forever and done my best to support him. Now I feel blessed as I did just that without losing my life too. A little selfish maybe but I am now accepting , it’s acceptable.
Your writing has kind of solidified my inner peace. Thank you so much x
Hugs to you and I’m happy to know it solidified that inner peace. You deserve peace
So what do you do when you’re 3 months out of this same story and get asked out by someone who is legit and sincere? I mean my husband drank all the time he left one night to go have his fun with no regard for his 2 babies and wife and died coming home. I loved him like no other soon have guilt but I want to go.
Bummer. Going out doesn’t mean you’re in a full-on relationship so if you’re asked and you really want to go, nothing wrong with it. You never know, you may end up with a great friend at the least. Just go at your own pace.
Kerry, I cannot thank you enough for this message. I wish you were near by so I can embrace you. I cried after reading this because this is how i feel and was ashamed like many other woman. His Anniversary death was two days ago and i couldn’t grieve like others around me. I was their for our kids and his family but it felt fake. God bless you for this message. My counselor told me the same thing move on with life.
Thanks, Kristie. I’ve run into so many widows who also feel ashamed. I hope you will give yourself the permission needed to let go go that shame. Your widowhood is no less valid than anyone else’s.
Thank you Kerry for penning this so well – the conflict of grief is so complicated – I have allowed myself to feel the relief and start to embrace life again but I am still challenged by others around me (his family mainly) who, not knowing (or not wanting to acknowledge!) what went on behind our closed doors, constantly talk about what a wonderful man he was, how lucky I was, what great memories they have… my memories are muddied by his addiction and the affect that had on our lives… I want our children to have good memories of their dad but cannot shake off the feeling that I am continuing the lie…
I can’t imagine how challenging that must be. It must feel like living in a parallel universe. Hugs
It is.. it fucking is. I have told no one the truth. I hold it all inside and only talk about the good. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to mar his image after his passing or I’m terrified if I share my story that I will lose his family. I feel like I’m still continuing to lie for him and cover for him, even after he’s passed, but what I really struggle with is that I don’t want to cause his family any more pain than they’re already in. I’m afraid that if I tell them the full truth that it will just cause more harm and pain than clarity so I keep it to myself struggling to figure out whether honesty is truly the best policy or if it is more compassionate to just keep the dark truth to myself. Is it more compassionate to carry it on my own or is it the right thing to do to be completely honest? It’s been 7 months. I struggle every day, I don’t know what to do.
That’s a lot to balance. Have you considered joining a support group for complicated grief? I know there are a few on Facebook that I hope can help you deal with some of the struggles involved. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. Be kind to yourself.
Its like you were writing about me. I walked on egg shells. I loved him and hated him at the same time. The drugs , the nastiness and the cheating it became normal to me. I looked at other couples and said why cant that be us. I would never have left him. Terrible as it is his suicide gave me peace but I feel guilty for feeling that way. Thank you for sharing . Now I dont feel so alone in this.
You certainly aren’t alone with these thoughts. Hope that helps you heal, even a little.
What a great thing here. So many people need this. Not saying they “need” validation, but in a way they do. They need to be told that whatever their experience was or is, is totally fair, valid and just as shaping as the next person’s. it doesn’t have to be idyllic or candy apple coated. It only need be real, and it only need be experienced fully for them to reap the benefits (and sorrows) from it. There is beauty in the sad, the mad and every other emotion too. Thanks so much, for everyone.
Thank you!
Holy cow! I couldn’t have expressed it better. I felt such guilt for moving on 6 months after my husband’s passing. We had 37 years of ups and downs, more downs, though. I stuck through it because I knew that alcohol and depression had changed the man I first loved. It has now been over a year, and I have found a wonderful, warm, kind, and loving man. The happiness I feel has brought on some guilt, but I am working through it.
Glad you now have happiness. I think many of us struggle with the guilt but we have to keep pushing through. We deserve it!
Kerry thank you so much for this and for posting the FB group. I immediately joined the group and it was such a relief to find others feeling the same way I was. We’ve talked often in the group about how there’s no name for our grief. That complicated grief is a thing and it doesn’t cover our situations. There’s no term for us and as far as we can tell you’re the only one who has ever addressed it publicly. Have you ever considered a book on the subject?? Weve all looked and googled and done searches but there are no books to help us move on with our conflicted grief……
Hi. Fortunately for me, this hasn’t been my story so I don’t think I have the insight to write an entire book. However, I know it’s a common story that’s often overlooked in the widow community and wanted to do my part to give these feelings a voice.
Thank you and I guess I needed to be reminded of this today. I have moved on and remarried after only 18 months and I’m happier then I have been in 25 years.
Congrats! Happy to read that you’ve found happiness.
Incredibly well written article covering these difficult emotions. I know this was all from a woman’s perspective but it happens in the reverse as well. I stayed with my wife for years trying to keep her anger from landing full force on our daughter. I wanted my daughter to escape to college before I tried to deal with things. We fell one year short, moved out after my daughter’s junior year of high school and my wife took her own life three months later. Now we are both left with sadness remembering what she once was, but relief and joy that we can start living again. This article captured those conflicting emotions perfectly.
Thank you, Brad. I’m glad I was also able to give your story a voice. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
I am so relieved to read this article. I am on two private widow groups and all seemed to have had awesome marriages. My marriage looked perfect from the outside but I was so lonely and walked on eggshells, weighed every word I said, was criticized for all my actions. I hid it from family and friends so when he was suddenly killed in an accident felt like I had to play the grieving widow. I felt like a liar and guilty taking all the sympathy. Despite his coldness, I did love him and admit it is sad not to have someone in the house but am now finding the relief in being happy and getting my confidence back. This article really lightened my heart Thank you
Glad it could be of help, Diane. Thanks
Thank you so much for acknowledging the loss of the dream and anger for that as well as the loss of the individual once loved and the loss of the stress and relief from that. You will never know how much all of those things meant.
Thank you <3
Kerry, thank you for this! I loved my husband with every ounce of my being. I learned to adapt so that he wouldn’t get angry or have a reason to be confrontational. He wasn’t physically abusive, but emotionally. Been through the years of alcoholism and drug use… he eventually worked beyond them. But it was always something. No one knew everything and I told very few friends, bits and pieces. There were many illnesses throughout the years as well. This last one was what put him out of his misery. After 24 years of walking on eggshells, living a life where I couldn’t really be me, I was exhausted. Missing him and grieving is so painful but I also feel free to be me for the first time in 24 years and it feels wonderful. I’ve been feeling bad about feeling free from all the toxicity and wanting more happiness in my life. Your blog is great… it’s a relief seeing that I’m not alone.
Sorry it’s relatable but never for a second think you’re alone. I’m happy to help shed a bit of light so others can understand.
Thank you for this. No one, not even his own family, knew what kind of emotion torture he inflicted on my daughter and me every day. He was their golden, perfect, loving child, and they would never believe the things he said and did. It’s taken me three years to be able to talk about it and tell my parents and siblings why I’d been so distant and disconnected. Living and loving life again is amazing!
Hugs, Dee. So happy that you were able to find your voice and your joy again <3
Wow! You wrote my life! You expressed what my broken self could not find the words to say. I’ll keep these words forever and read them over and over as I heal. At 63 I don’t expect to date again but I can be whole and find peace. Thank you so much for your insight and ability to express what I could sometimes not bear to feel
Amen. You absolutely can be whole and find peace. All the best to you, Sherry <3
I was widowed a year ago this coming July from an alcoholic. This is the first thing I have found on how I feel. While I didn’t love him in the romantic sense for most of our almost 21 years together, I did in the way God would have wanted. When he died I was sad for a bit but my life has been so much better and I never fit the typical widow roll. I just went on with my life with my kids. But am still widowed and have a hard time finding where I could possibly fit in with my situation. Very refreshing to have read this. Thank you for your words.
Sorry it’s your story, Allison but glad you felt it was helpful reading this. I hope you’ll see based on the comments that you aren’t alone. Big hugs.
I can relate, mine wasn’t abusive, but living with a man who wouldn’t admit to being chronically depressed was hard work…was only the last few weeks of his life that the man I fell in love with came out of his shell… So then the guilt rushes in thinking I shouldn’t have wished “just get this over with” cancer took 9 months to take him… Guess I’m trying to say, it’s OK to be relieved, pissed off, angry.. Hugs too you all x
Thanks, Mary. Yes, you are certainly allowed to feel all those emotions, even when they conflict with each other.
Wow Kerry! I felt like you were in my head while writing this. It almost felt like you were there in my twisted marriage. Thank you for acknowledging we exist amongst the fairy tails.
You’re welcome, Pam. I feel an obligation to give as many widows as possible a voice since at times, even within our community, we can be so judgmental.
Thank you so much for this article, it was what I needed to hear right now in my letting go mission.
Glad it could help shine a tiny light on complicated grief.
My husband killed himself 6 yrs ago using my meds and left a letter blaming me. His dad and step mom still blame me and have deserted my daughter and i multiple times. No more. I have completely cut communication with them. They dont even know where we live. We have no one but each other. My daughter is autistc plus inherited his mental illnesses and i work 24/7 to make sure she is not the next one in his lineage of bipolars to take their lives.i am 57, disabled, and a 3x widow. She is 9 and hurts me almost daily. But i will keep fighting for her as long as i breathe. Why couldnt he? 6 yrs later and i still battle being so mad!!
I just read this and I’m sobbing. I miss him everyday. But there is so much I don’t miss.
Thank you so much for writing this. I really have been struggling with my feelings of grief (or lack there of), and this was definitely what I needed to read tonight.
I think I may have commented briefly on this in the past, or I may have chickened out. Today, I feel I need to comment. I still struggle with grief that includes missing my Spouse, being, hurt, being as angry, and feeling guilty. My husband took his life after a week of binging on alcohol. Our marriage started as a loving fairytale but 3 years in of our 15 years married, 16 years together, it became horrible. There was alcoholism, infidelity, some drug use, mental abuse, a few physical abuse epidodes, depression, and abandonment. I stayed because I thought it would eventually be ok and be the fairytale it once was. We also raised 3 kids that knew our home as the more stable of the homes our ex spouses had. I lost myself and things would get better for a bit but always went back and got worse. That’s my story of widowhood. I’m glad I’m not the only widow who experienced similar while simultaneously wishing none of us ever had to experience widowhood on any level and that all of us would somehow have more fairytale. Thank you for listening, especially since I finally was able to open up after reading this article for at least the 2nd (many more times, actually) time.
I’m so thankful to have come across this post tonight!! I have always felt alone in how I struggled to see the man he was- that he could be so great at— compared to where we ended up. Growing apart. I didn’t see it clearly at first, maybe it was gradual. But somewhere along the way I became his least priority- when I should be his first. It got hidden in the times he would leave me home alone recovering from major surgery to go to a female coworkers house to help her with some home projects and be gone all day. Then come home and can’t do anything at our house to help his wife who can’t get out of her chair to pee alone. Or how all of his guardsmen he worked with thoughts he was an amazing Christian leader because he would lead bible studies for them. But, at home I never saw him open his bible. I had to drag him to church. He would get up 2 hours earlier than he need to be on duty to leave our home to go running with a female coworker – all the while leaving me struggling after major surgery to get the kid up, fed, and to school on my own I had reached my breaking point in the whole situation and then… then the Guard came on and told him he’d be deploying to Afghanistan in a month! No notice. We got the call while sitting around the breakfast table to celebrate him for Father’s Day. Our world turned upside down. How do you handle that situation? I shifted gears and tried to do whatever I could do to help him get prepared for this deployment. I hated him leaving with us so in the air, but he had to go. He came back to visit. Only wanted to see his kids, not his wife. He went back to the hell hole desert and never came back to me. Instead as I walked in my door after grocery shopping, hands full of bags i am greeted by 2 officers in dress blues and the world ended.
Moving on has been the most difficult thing i have ever and still am going through. Reconciling the love— the true young love with what we had both become … almost 7 years later I’m still lost. I thank God daily for the 2 precious children He gave me with this man I loved for the better half of my life.
Ladies- no matter how the stories that brought us her may differ, we all need some reassurance that we aren’t alone and I’m so thankful to find a post and people going through similar internal emotional struggles. To me it helps normalize it all.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I cannnot even begin to imagine. I so agree that we’re never alone. Big hugs to you
So true,needed to hear this my pain and relief at the same time is valid
Every aspect of your grief is in fact valid!
Thank you for writing this. It is affirmation I needed badly. It is by far the most perfect explanation for what I go through that I have ever seen.
Glad it came right on time!
A thousand times, yes. Thank you Kerry Phillips.
Thank you for putting in words what I have felt for the last two and half years since my husband completed suicide. It brought tears to my eyes, I hate what he did, but my life is peaceful now. Thank you so much!
Glad it was helpful. You certainly aren’t alone, Katherine.
After my husbands death, i felt so alone. No one knew what was really going on within our marriage; this post was perfect. It’s exactly what I felt, feel, and went through. It wasn’t a fairytale but I protected the truth. Thanks for posting and allowing comments i can read and relate to. It helps to know that I’m not the only one not alone.
My husband wasn’t some of the bad things in the post, what he was, was a sick young man. I have felt this split of all these emotions. I truly love and miss him everyday but I also feel relief And freedom.I hate this conflict of emotions.this has helped me to embrace it more💓
Biggest of hugs to you, Mia
Thank you for sharing this, I now know that I’m not alone, that there are other women who has went thru the same trama as I have. As I read this I got cold chills you nailed it word for word what I went thru and how I feel. Thank u for sharing this and letting me know that I am not alone.
I’m honored to share even parts of your story and help others feel not so alone.
This article is so true for me. Widowed with 3 young boys. Thank you for putting this out there.
<3
Thank you for this article…it is like you wrote it about my life.
Happy to give another side of the coin. You’re very welcome
I feel like even though this was written before his death, this was written to me. Wow thank you.
You’re welcome. Happy to share another side of widowhood. We’re all in this together <3
Thank you so much for writing about this. My husband and I were very in love but randomly (to me) last year in November he asked for a divorce. I immediately moved out out of the feeling of utter abandonment, but during the next couple of months I found out that he had been using cocaine behind my back for years, and he couldn’t hide it from me anymore. After I moved out he started using heavily, and 5 months later, to the day, was gone. I was not in the house. Because of the discovery of drugs from his family in the house, and because I wasn’t in the house, his family has turned on me and thinks it is my fault he was using and that I had something to do with it. On the one hand I miss him like crazy, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to be with me, he wanted to be with his cocaine without me. I am very conflicted on how to grief for him properly. He didn’t want me, I wanted him. The last day I saw him we said goodbye to eachother crying in eachothers arms for 2 hours, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Not too many people get to say a proper goodbye. Still wearing my wedding ring. Still confused as to who I am and where I stand. Either way, thank you for writing this post and opening up the door for those who are struggling with how to approach this.
Big hugs. I’m glad that you were able to get a bit of closure with the last visit. I’m honored to be able to share even a part of your story.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This says it all.
I just lost my partner of nearly 14 years that I started dating at 16 and this already resonates. I miss his with every part of me and the father he was to my 6 and 8 year old but am so relieved that I don’t need to worry that he is cheating anymore. He left me for another woman 5 days before he died in a motorbike accident. I know he still loved me and they werent in a relationship yet, she just thinks they were cos she is obsessed with trying to ruin me. I worry I’ll never trust someone else though and start counseling soon to help with that
Thank you for this article, I am in grief groups on Facebook but I don’t see many with my struggle. My husband passed away in January 10 days after his mom. His verbal and emotional abuse started probably before we were married and only got worse over time. He didn’t have a drug addition and didn’t drink. But his word and actions hurt so bad and I now have some relief. I still grieve for my kids that they lost their dad, but I have since found someone I am dating and in the short period I’ve known him he has made been a better role model than their own father
Glad I could share another perspective of widowhood. So happy you’ve met a great guy. Best wishes!
Thank you so much for writing this. WOW, I thought I was alone. You totally nailed it.
There is such healing in knowing you aren’t alone. Hope the reassurance brings you some comfort.
Thank you for this… it’s like you were there in my house…. I loved my husband and I know he loved me beyond his demons….. but alcohol won so God took him to cure him….. we weren’t on the best terms and were separated when he died- that’s the hardest part is wondering if he died thinking I hated him…. I hated the situation but not him- however by then it just all blended into a big angry blur…
Fast forward and I am getting married in 13 days….. I adore my hubby to be and we have by far a better relationship…. we keep my LH present in our lives especially for my 15 year old son…… I am happy and thing (knock wood) are fantastic but I can’t help but struggle that somehow I’m hurting my LH…. I know you can love more than 1 and I know it’s not a replacement… I think it’s because my LH truly DID love us and hated what was happening to him and us but was helpless to stop it…. hindsight has given me clarity but now my head and heart need to reconcile…
Sorry for the rant- but thank you for expressing exactly what I’ve been feeling for 3 years
Sorry you had to go through that – I’m sure he knew he was loved and it was the disease you hated. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. All the best!
I deeply appreciate your article highlighting the intractability that some of us face in processing the death of a partner who burdened or abused us in some way. I’m in this situation, grappling with the suicide of my husband several months ago. We were going through a divorce at the time due to it being revealed that he had made some profoundly poor choices which hurt vulnerable people. Even before that our marriage was strained in many ways. Most people think I should be filled with rage towards him. Sometimes I do feel that way, feeling betrayed that my trust in him was misplaced and that ultimately his choices led to our young children losing their father. But mostly I feel sad and lonely. It will be a long road for me to genuinely learn to trust anyone again.
So sorry for your loss and that experience, Rachel. I hope you’ll consider joining a support group for widows if you haven’t already done so. There can be healing with being with others who understand your pain, hurt, love, etc. Remember to be kind and patient as you navigate the weeks and months ahead.
I’m sure some had mixed emotions during the years together.
I was fortunate that in our eight years together we were grateful, loving, best friends and once or twice we locked horns but we both knew we couldn’t unleash hurtful, hateful emotions to each other. We sometimes got mad and worked it out ASAP. We knew we didn’t have a lifetime together because of his medical problems but we packed a lifetime of memories and good times into our short period of married life. We cherished each other and had a lot of fun. The last six months was hard but he knew I’d hang in there and be loyal and loving to the end. The last two days were knew his time was coming to a fast end and we both thanked each other for the love, care and compassion for each other. We truly adored each other and thought God saved the best for last.
Happy you got to have those last special moments together.
Thank you for this. Struggling between my feelings. My husband was murdered so I would’ve never imagined the hell I’m going through now. I hated his demons and addictions but I miss his love so much. He wanted to change and not he’ll never get the chance.
So sorry, Nicole. It’s especially painful when we know there was so much more for our spouses to be/do/complete. Big hugs!
This is the most “spot on” article that I’ve red so far. It previously felt like everyone had their “happily ever after”, but not me. Now I know I am not alone. Thanks so much for writing this article.
So happy you feel less alone 🙂
Thank you. It relieves me so much from feeling overwhelmed and alone. Nobody wants to know anything, there has to be something wrong with me. Have spent a lot of time thinking about what has taken place and understanding the dynamic of the disease and also myself. Hope everyone is able to take a deep breath and take care of self for a change. Hugs to everyone.
Wow, you spoke my truth. And it touched my heart. Thank you
I didn’t know this is how I felt until I read this. Thank you!!
Thank you. I love / hate him. And not everyone will understand because the truth is still hidden by many.
And I’m a much different person now and I like me more.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel so much more validated in my experience. Although my late fiance and partner of 15 years did not struggle with addiction, nor did he abuse me, our relationship was strained. We were in counseling and on the verge of parting ways. But I wasn’t ready to stop trying, and then 2 months later he died suddenly. I’ve experienced the guilt and shame of feeling as though I’m not grieving in the same way others seem to be. I try not to compare my grief to others, but it’s hard not to. I feel guilty sometimes about how happy I am in my new relationship, about the timing of that relationship, and that if he hadn’t died, I never would have met this man I love so dearly. It’s a mindfuck, and it’s helpful to know that there is a spectrum of grief. No relationship is perfect. I find comfort in knowing my fiance and I loved each other as best as we knew how. We had 15 wonderful years together, and he shaped who I am today. Because of him, I’ve learned to love deeper than ever before. Sending love to anyone who feels this struggle on any part of the spectrum.
Yes, guilt coupled with widowhood can be so tough. I’m happy you’ve found an amazing guy.