As the Admin for a widowed group, I’m charged with keeping everyone as safe as possible. That means screening all prospective members to be sure they are in fact widowed (don’t get me started on the fake widows/widowers who try to join the group on an almost daily basis).
Before adding members to the group, I do a thorough check of their Facebook pages. How long have they been online? What do they post about? How many friends do they have?
Inevitably, for those who are in fact widowed, a common theme emerges: the “before” and “after”.
I can typically pinpoint with a great deal of accuracy when the prospective member lost his/her spouse. I won’t pretend to know if their marriages were perfect or what went on behind the scenes but there is light and happiness in the photos. There are family trips and romantic getaways and birthday celebrations. There is joy and there is innocence. There are double dates and outings to local restaurants and sporting events. There is peace and there is calm. There are sentimental comments and LOLs and smiley emojis. There is love and contentment.
I often look at the faces in the pictures, as if to know them BEFORE. Before they learned of the unfairness of life. Before the shock. Before the worry. Before the sadness. Before the grief. Before the hurt. Before the what-ifs. Before the storm.
And then the “after” comes into focus. The happy photos don’t seem to shine as brightly. The family of five is now four and no amount of forced smiles can take the sadness from the eyes of those who remain. Every picture capturing a family gathering post-loss seems to have a gaping hole; someone is missing. Gone are the date night pictures, replaced by tons of selfies. We’re now a party of one. And, though the rest of the world may comment on how great the surviving spouse looks, I see the grief staring back at me. I see the weight loss; the weight gain. The thinning hair; the grey hairs. The stress lines; the frown lines. I have those photos too.
Carefree statuses are replaced by quotes about loss. No longer are the shared articles about trivial matters, instead they focus on research and finding a cure for what I can only be led to believe caused their spouse’s untimely death. I see blog posts chronicling their widowed journey as well as those educating others about our struggles. I read rants about the challenges of raising children as an only parent. I see pleas for finding reputable servicemen or someone to help out with home repair projects. I notice dating frustrations…how potential mates just don’t get it. I see Facebook posts that are now filled with comments from their very own widowed clique – strangers who often times understand them more than their actual friends. I see the aftermath…
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And for some, I’m lucky enough to see the clouds dissipate. I see healing start to take place. I see them slowly emerging from the grief and I see their occasional missteps. We all have those. I see the “I’ll love my spouse forever and will forever cherish him but I know life was meant for living” posts. I see their will and determination to move through those raw stages of grief, despite its attempt to suck them back into the black hole of depression. Know that many of us struggle with accepting this newfound joy.
For those who aren’t quite there, I say a prayer for them. That road is a dark, difficult one and it’s not easy to make it to the other side. I honestly don’t even know if we ever truly make it to the other side of the street. Perhaps we just learn to dodge traffic and not get run over by the semi-truck driven by grief. But wherever that place of healing is, I know they’ll ultimately get there. It may not be this year or even next but better days are ahead.
I know firsthand that there is beauty in getting beyond the immediate “after”. It’s not perfect, but there is peace and healing there. It took me about four years to get there but it’s so worth it!
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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