A recent incident took me back to a memory that had been neatly folded and tucked away in the furthest corner of my mind.

I’d just gotten the call that my husband had died – unexpectedly, with no warning. After my brain processed the magnitude of what I’d heard while sitting in the church parking lot, the reality of his no longer being here hit me. He was the person I was supposed to call when I got the worst news of my life. Instead, the news was about him. He wasn’t there to help me shoulder the blow that left me shaken to my core.

A couple days later, still in shock, I started wondering about my life going forward. Why did my hubby leave but more specifically why did he leave without me. I think in asking those questions, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I really didn’t have to be here; I could go be with him. Hell, our families were already grieving, might as well die now so they wouldn’t have to go through another round of pain in the near future when I chose to join him.

Was I actively suicidal? Perhaps not. But I was thinking about going to be with him so the searing pain could stop? Absolutely. I wanted to be where ever he was and if that meant death, then so be it.

My mom stayed at my house in the days following his death. I was in the shower, crying, talking to God, and questioning Him…all the things that one does while wondering how to pick up the pieces after losing a spouse.

My thoughts were interrupted by loud bangs coming from the living room. I quickly shut off the water and ran out to see what was happening (as if I needed another disaster on my hands).

It was mother. I’d locked the front door, used the security door chain and turned on the burglar alarm. She’d unlocked the door after returning from her house, only to be tripped up by the chain and not long after a blaring alarm system. I’d been so consumed with my pain, alone in the shower, that I was oblivious to what was going on in the next room.

When I finally opened the door, the panic on my mom’s face was jarring. She started frantically yelling that she thought I’d done something to hurt myself and had been scared out of her mind as she pounded on the door.

At that moment, seeing her anguish, I knew I couldn’t think about suicide or putting myself in harm’s way in order to hasten my reunion with my husband. I had to come up with a game plan. I eventually sought out a grief support group but the seniors, many in their late 70’s and 80’s, weren’t dealing with the issues I was facing. I then turned to an online support group for young widows. It was cathartic and just what I needed: a group where there were others – just like me – feeling the same raw emotions. It was good to vent, read others’ stories and learn from those who were farther along their widowed journey.

I often encounter widows/widowers who are in that very place I was nearly five years ago. They are hurting and can’t imagine getting beyond the pain they are feeling at the moment. It may be one week post loss or even a year. They keep trying to move beyond the pain but it continues to weigh them down. If this is your story, please know that you have what it takes to keep going, even on those dark days. You will make it through and have a powerful story to share – one of overcoming that which you thought would break you.

You have to choose life. Even if you have to live for your child(ren), a parent, a friend…just do it. Do it until you can live for yourself.

Suicide or neglecting yourself to death isn’t synonymous with the amount of love you have for your late spouse or an appropriate way to show that love. We honor them by living. We pay tribute to their life by living ours to the fullest. We acknowledge their lives by making ours one of service and giving back and supporting projects near and dear to their hearts. We honor their legacy by being there to raise our children with the values and morals that defined them. We show our respect for a life cut short by embracing each moment of every day.

There is no shame in seeking help. From one-on-one therapy to Facebook support groups like the one run by Hope for Widows Foundation, there are a wealth of resources to help you navigate the raw stages of grief. And, if you’re feeling especially depressed or battling suicidal thoughts, please reach out to your doctor who can develop a treatment plan that may include medications to help you cope. You can also reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They are available 24 hours a day and even offer an online chat.

The world needs you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you. The widowed community needs you. Show us that it’s possible to make it through the storm – even when you want to lie down and surrender to the pain. We need you!

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.