1. Seeking Professional Help
You’ve heard it a thousand times, over and over again: “You’re so strong”. And you are. But there are going to be times when it feels like you can’t go on. You’ll have moments, days or even weeks when the dark cloud that once hovered overhead is now smothering you. That’s when you have to face the fact that you can’t go it alone. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a professional. Whether online or in person, a grief support group can provide the coping tools needed to navigate the widowed journey. Talk to a therapist. There is no shame in wanting to be the best you possible – despite the horrendous circumstances. If it’s decided that you need medication to help with grief/depression, don’t feel weak. You’ve shown incredible courage just by realizing you can’t weather the storm alone.
2. Crying in Public
For some reason, you feel like you have to cry behind closed doors. You blink away the tears that threaten to roll down your face each time something triggers a memory of your spouse. In the midst of having a girls’ weekend, you retreat to the bathroom to cry. It doesn’t seem fair that they are checking in with their husbands and you have no one to call. It’s okay. Cry. Right there where you are. You don’t have to apologize for shedding tears. Whether those tears are from sadness, frustration, anger or any other emotion, no one should judge you for having a good cry. You’ve earned the right to cry in public.
3. Dating
You may have told yourself that you can’t imagine looking at another man, let alone dating. But, let’s face it: being widowed can get lonely. Though you may not necessarily be ready to get remarried right away, you miss male companionship and having someone make a fuss about you. You’re not betraying your late spouse by having these feelings. You’re human. If you choose to tip-toe into the dating pool three months or three years post loss, never apologize to anyone who turns his or her nose up at your decision. It’s YOUR decision. Should you wish to have a non-committed relationship with someone, that’s okay too. It’s your life. You owe no one an explanation. Just be sure you’re making smart, safe decisions and not allowing grief to cloud your judgement.
4. Taking “Me Time”
You’re taking care of the children and juggling a career. You may still be handling issues related to your husband’s estate. You’re feeling flustered and overwhelmed. Before you burn yourself out, set aside some time to focus on yourself. What makes you happy? It doesn’t have to be something major. Something as simple as a warm, bubble bath with essential aromatherapy oils can work wonders on the mind, body and spirit. Perhaps it’s picking up flowers next time you’re at the grocery store. Research shows fresh flowers have been linked to positive psychological wellbeing. Consider experimenting with the fall’s must-have make-up, fashion or accessories. You don’t have to wait for a man to invite you out. When you look good on the outside, you feel better on the inside. Hire a babysitter and treat yourself to dinner or a movie once a month. Be kind to yourself.
5. Removing Toxic People /Family
You’ve certainly been through enough to last a lifetime. What you don’t need are people who don’t have your genuine interest at heart. You know firsthand the fragility of life. Why torture yourself with negativity and naysayers? If people—family and friends included—make you feel inadequate, stressed or unhappy, remove them from your life. It’s okay to love from a distance. There should only be room in your life for those who enhance it. You are allowed to set boundaries with no apologies. If they cannot respect you, your decisions and/or feelings, they don’t deserve to play a role in your life.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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I agree 100%
Thanks for reading and commenting, Diane.
I became a widow at the age of 51 suddenly. After a year I met someone by accident and started a relationship. Lost many friends and had a lot of scrutiny for that. The relationship lasted 5 years then ended, but was what I needed at that time. A shame that people are so fast to judge, when they have no idea how someone might feel.
So right, Judith. I’m so sorry for your loss. Know that you will be judged regardless so you might as well do what makes you happy 🙂
I became a widow 3 months ago at the age of 40 and it’s so hard not to have dark cloudy days. This weekend was the first time I hung out with my kids watching movies without being sad and crying it felt good.
*Hugs* Be kind to yourself; it’s still so recent. You’ll continue to have good and bad days. At some point, the good will start outweighing the bad. It may not be anytime soon but you’ll get there. Sorry for your loss.
I am 27 and was widowed 4 1/2 months ago. Jonathan’s death was sudden and unexpected. I deal with very heavy and dark days, but light is coming back to my world as I feel he is guiding me in life and bringing things into my life that he knows I need. I now have a long distance kind of relationship going. At times, I feel guilty like I am betraying Jonathan. But I do believe he brought this man into my life for a reason. I do openly cry in public without shame. I know I get looks. I don’t care. I’ve gotten rid of all toxic people, including my own mother as I wasn’t being shown love or support.
This “new life” can be such a nightmare. My greatest blessing out of this hell is the other widows from my widow group that has become a sisterhood. I love these women whole heartedly.
As a widow once pointed out, “we’ve fulfilled the ’til death do you part’ section of our vows”. Please give yourself permission to open your heart again. I’m happy to read you’ve found a support system.
I am a 79 yr old widow after 29 yrs of marriage. It’s 2 years now . Do not listen to others who have not walked in your walked in your shoes.
Amen!
Thank you so much, Kerry for this great article. I am 2 years into my grief journey after losing my husband to brain cancer. This helped so much.
Thanks, Becky. Sorry to read about loss of your spouse. Glad the article could be of help.
I lost my husband Adam on March 3rd, 2016. He was only 50, and we were married only a little over a year. His death was very unexpected; Adam died from a massive stroke. It has been difficult, to say the least. I’m lucky enough to have met a friend of Adam’s who has helped me immensely. I can see myself getting married again, but only to Steve. Steve and I love each other, and most everyone has been supportive.
Glad you’ve found love again, Tracy. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for this article! I was widowed just over 6 yrs ago at the age of 32. Support like this from other widows has helped me to keep pushing forward. Stay strong, but cry when ya need to. *hugs*
my fiancee past away 15 months ago. it still hurts so much sometimes. I’m 30 started dating a new man recently and trying not to make the same mistakes. .. you know all the stuff we regret and can appreciate now. … like to just let him cook even though it tastes horrible
I feel like my soul is too old and I had my Big Love and I’m just settling now because I don’t won’t to be alone …. but still I’m lonely without Barrie
I am 47 and just lost my husband (50) last month. He was a big strapping handsome 6’4″ strong man. Tall, dark and handsome as they say.
While making a minor repair on one of our vehicles, he was crushed when the jacks collapsed. My 18yr old daughter’s and I found him.
I have been a stay at home Mom for 20 years, 13+ I’ve been medically disabled but it was fine because he provided a very nice comfortable life for us. We had no real financial worries. We had nice cars, home, vacations. We took care of our kids and their up bringing.
Now my kids have been flung into adulthood in a single day, we have to sell our big beautiful home because we can not take care of it or pay for it. We are selling off cars, etc.
We were NOT prepared for something like this. He had just turned 50 and was healthy and strong.
Our hearts ache for him. As we sell off things, I always think “I would just give all this crap away if we could just get a little more time with him, just a little.”
They all say “Time heals” I don’t know if that is true. We lost my Mom to cancer 3 years ago. Time hasn’t made that better. How is time going to make losing my husband better? How does anyone move on from this?
Angela, so very sorry. Take it one day at a time. You’re right that time doesn’t heal the hurt and pain. Over time, you create more memories and there is more living so the loss doesn’t consume all of you. Soaring Spirits International and Hope for Widows Foundation offer great resources, especially for newer widows. Though the world is social distancing, there are still opportunities to connect virtually. Being with other widowed people helps you feel less alone and gives hope.