1. Living in the Past/Future

You’ve had possibly the most devastating thing happen to you. Whether you were married for 20 years or two months, nothing prepares you to lose your spouse. There’s no pre-planning guide, no words anyone can say to mentally and emotionally get you ready for widowhood. It’s one of those things that until it happens, you don’t know how you’d deal or cope. When you lose a spouse, the future you’d imagined together also dies. Plans to travel the world or be surrounded by grandchildren become a secondary loss.

Please know that in no way am I telling you to forget about your spouse; how could I? I lost my spouse five years ago and some days it feels like the scab over my heart will rip open and cause me to bleed out. What I am saying is that it’s okay to live in the present. Yes, you’ll need those happy memories to sustain you on the days the grief threatens to consume you, but you can’t unpack and live in the past. You can simultaneously grieve while being cognizant of the fact that you have to keep living. Don’t drive yourself crazy thinking about what could have been or what should have been. The reality is that when we lost our spouses, part of us died too. But an even bigger reality is that we’re still here. We have to deal with the “now” in order to find the tools and resources needed to successfully get us to the next phase of our lives.

2. Allowing Others to Dictate Your Grief Timetable

Everyone seems to know what’s best for you. We’re in a bad place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially or even physically. We’re surrounded by noise. Everyone has an opinion on the best way for us to move forward. “It’s time to date”, “Consider moving back in with your parents”, “It’s too soon to go back to work”, “You haven’t grieved long enough”, etc. It seems everyone and their mama wants to add their two-cents to your life.

Every widow is cautioned to avoid making major decisions within the first year of her husband’s death. While this may be true for the vast majority of widows, it doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions. I’ve seen widows reconnect with former classmates six months post-loss but feel hesitant to move forward because of the judgment from others. I’ve heard of widows going back to school and starting fulfilling careers. The truth is, only YOU know it’s time to make a change in your life. You know what feels right for you and your family. You know if you’ve put in the work needed to truly make good and healthy decisions. There is no timetable for grief. All you can do is listen to your inner voice and allow it to be your guide.

3. Thinking “Chapter 2” is a Man

You’ve seen it time after time: widows looking for their “Chapter 2”. Perhaps you’ve had a great love story with your late spouse and want that connection and companionship again. Maybe your marriage was rocky and you’re looking for someone to pour your love into; someone who will actually appreciate it. “Chapter 2” sounds like romance, fun, travel, new beginning and happiness.

But what if your “Chapter 2” isn’t a man. Certainly, you can have a new life chapter—filled with all those things—without the presence of man. You are your “Chapter 2”. You get to write on the blank pages of your life. You get to decide what your next chapter will look like. You get to go back to school, adopt a child, start a business or travel the world. A wise widow once pointed out that she had a chapter even prior to meeting her hubby so he certainly wasn’t her “Chapter 1”. You had your own chapter also, even if you married at a young age. Allow a new guy to be a bonus that gets added to the chapter you’ve already started. Be your own “Chapter 2” or “Chapter 5” or “Chapter 20”.

4. Failing to Give Grief The Respect It Deserves

Marriage can be a beautiful thing. It’s great having a partner committed to your goals and dreams. It’s nice being able to call your spouse when you’ve had the most exciting thing happen or on what has been a day from hell. When you lose a spouse, it’s like losing your best friend, your lover, your confidant, your advisor, your counselor, your supporter, your cheerleader and your “person” all rolled into one. It’s not just your spouse. It’s the father of your children, your +1, your date, your companion, your voice of reason. So not only are we grieving the loss, we’re also grieving all the things our spouse represented to us.

That’s why it’s so important for us to take the time to grieve. That time period isn’t the same for everyone though. What may seem like a short grieving period to an outsider doesn’t factor in there may have been talks of divorce prior to a spouse’s death. Only you can determine when you’ve gotten out of that “raw” stage of grief. There’s no outrunning grief; you have to face it head on. A man can’t erase it. Drugs can’t numb you forever. You can’t stay busy enough to not have it affect you. It requires our full attention. It’s an ongoing process, but you have to do the groundwork—whether through a support group or therapist. Respect your grief.

5. Thinking You’re Too…
Many of the college people have desire to have sex with most beautiful women in their college and when they get a chance they often get overstressed in their day to day life and might end up proving the adequate rest their body requires to perform at top level. It is because of these techniques that make chiropractic treatment categorized as alternative medicine. Obesity, use of alcohol and drugs, side effects of some medications, poor health, lack of nutrition and aging are some of the common factors. Don’t overeat, it I a bad habit, like drinking or smoking, hence, eat moderately, choose simple and natural food.

You met your spouse when you were 20. You were young, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now you’re 40, with four fantastic kids. You’re ready to date but the same thought swirls around and around: Who would want someone with FOUR children?

Time and time again we wonder if we’ll spend the rest of our lives alone because we’re too something. Too broken. Too widowed. Too overweight. Too old. Too unattractive. Too independent. Too involved with our in-laws. Too wrapped up with a child with a special need. Too different now.

Unfortunately, we carry many of these negative attitudes with us. We think we’re undeserving of another love story because our circumstances have changed. We’ve seen death and its aftermath. We know hurt and sadness but we should also know the importance of living each day to its fullest. We can’t expect someone to love this “new” us if we won’t or can’t love ourselves first.

Back in April, I interviewed an 89 year old who told me she was widowed and living alone until she had a stroke. Her adult children told her she could no longer live by herself so they moved her to a senior living community. After being there six months, a “handsome gentleman” moved in right next door…

They got married 3.5 years ago when she was 85!

Her advice: It’s all about your attitude. Never think you’re too anything for love to find you again!

Please Note: This article is part of the “Five” series which includes “Five Ways to be Widowed & Miserable“, “Five Things a Widow Should Never Apologize for Doing“, “Five Lies Widows Tell Themselves” and “Five Kick-Ass Traits of Widow Warriors“.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.