Not unlike many widows, my world completely shattered when my husband died.
When practically every goal and plan involves your spouse it feels almost impossible to move forward – heck, move in any direction.
At 32 years old, I wondered what my life would now look like.
I distinctly recall thinking that when I died at 110 years old (a girl can dream, right?), I wanted those at my funeral to talk about how much I loved my husband. I wanted them to say that the light went out her eyes and her world and she was never quite the same. She retreated from the world and waited to be reunited with him. She never invited love of any form into her life the moment she lost him and lived a life of reclusive, forever missing her husband.
I honestly believed that would be the most fitting, appropriate way to conclude our love story. He died and soon after, I died too – though my heart continued to beat.
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I don’t know when something snapped in my head but that was no way to honor a man who lived life boldly and passionately. I couldn’t for a second imagine that he’d want his death to also bring about my demise – physically, mentally or emotionally.
I soon realized that my living took nothing away from our love. It took nothing away from how much I missed him. His family never doubted my love. Neither did my family or friends.
I had somehow convinced myself that suffering was the only way to show my undying love. But it wasn’t. Whether I am in a crumpled heap on the bathroom floor or trying a new hobby, I still miss him. Whether I pull away from friends or take them up on an offer to enjoy drinks after work, I still love him. Whether I opt to be bitter and angry on his birthday or join my widowed tribe for a birthday celebration, I’m still his widow.
Nothing – absolutely nothing – takes away from my love for him. Not traveling, not dating, not getting remarried, not moving forward.
I can live while missing him.
I can laugh while missing him.
I can be happy again while missing him.
I can love while missing him.
Don’t let anyone – including you – tell you anything different.
Mom to a feisty kindergartener, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.
Perfect
Thanks, Gina
Thank you!
Very well said!! God knows that we all need each other in our every changing world. To live , love, and laugh as much as we can!! ” Until we meet again”!
Thank you. Very well written. I’m not ” young widowed” except in a number that makes me ” old and widowed”. Even after 52 yrs of marriage you think and think back to younger. Thank you again.
Thank you! Sorry for your loss
This describes me perfectly and thank you and to honor him I have finally begun to live again.
This is perfectly said! I’m 42 and my long time girlfriend passed away 7 months ago. I have days where I want to do nothing because I am so upset or sad and I have days where I want to go out and enjoy time with our friends or my friends! No day is the same in this journey.
Thanks for sharing this. Days before my wife passed away, she told our kids and me that she wanted me to be happy and it was ok if I remarried. I am so greatful for that tremendous act of love. It is so freeing to know that. That is love, that you would want your spouse to be happy not live the rest of their life in misery. My wife was amazing, and our marriage was amazing. Why wouldn’t I want that type of relationship again? It almost seems honoring to our relationship, that I would want that again. If things had been terrible, then it would make sense to avoid a new realtionship.
Now if we could just convince society that “noble” husband pining away for his lost wife in lonely solitude for the rest of his life, isn’t romantic or the way that they would have wanted us to live, that would be great.