1. Everyone will tell you how to “widow”. They’ll tell you about a coworker, distant cousin or former neighbor. Take the information with a grain of salt. Grief is not linear. There’s no one way to be widowed.
2. In losing you’ll gain. From in-laws to friends, there will be those who cannot handle your grief. Though it hurts, know everyone in your life isn’t meant to complete the journey with you. Draw strength from those who truly have your back and reach out to your widowed community. You’ll find the most incredible network of friends that you never knew you even needed. Let them be part of your healing.
3. There will be times when it feels as though no one mentions your spouse’s name anymore. It will seem as though they’ve forgotten. Don’t let that stop you from saying his name, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
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4. Some will assume that you’re “over” your loss once you restart your “regular” routine. They won’t understand what it’s like to carry on despite a part of your heart missing. They won’t understand how trying to live again is the only thing stopping you from dying.
5. You’ll be told it’s time to stop playing the “widow card”…that your husband has been dead for some time now. Unfortunately, unless they’ve lived it, they won’t realize that the funeral was the “easy” part. They got to go home to their lives while you were left to make sense of what was left of yours.
6. You may be judged for dating too quickly. But, you’ll also be chastised for waiting too long to date. Follow your heart. There is no right or wrong time to open your heart to love again.
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7. At times there may be guilt for the laughter, the happiness, the joy or the love that comes into your life post-loss. Embrace it. Know that you deserve to be happy after experiencing such a devastating loss. You don’t earn widow points for remaining in the darkest parts of your grief. It’s okay to live!
8. Some days, you’ll hate the circumstances of your life. Other days, you’ll look in the mirror and be amazed at the bad-ass you’ve become. You’ve learned to stand up for yourself…scratched home improvement tasks off your list…juggled the finances…and more. Plus, you’re raising pretty awesome kids as a solo parent. Give yourself credit.
9. You’ll learn to live around your loss. Start by focusing on the good in each day. Even with a significant puzzle piece missing, aren’t you still able to recognize the beauty of the entire picture?
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10. Whether year 1 or 10 year, there are times when the magnitude of your loss will leave you gasping for air. Where you grieve the life you planned together…the children and grandkids…traveling…retirement. Allow yourself to feel that pain. You lost a spouse and no amount of time ever fully takes that hurt away. As the expression goes, “It’s okay to have a bad day. Just don’t unpack and live there”.
Enjoy the blog? Consider picking up a copy of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life”. Available at Walmart, Amazon, BookBaby and other fine retailers.
Mom to a feisty kindergartener, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.
I wish this had been available when. My husband died in Vietnam. I sunk into a very dark & bad place.Just recently realized how bad.
Glad you made it out of that dark place!
Thank you for this!!! I am Approaching the 2 year mark and I miss him everyday and I am so thankful for our amazing children!
<3
Wow reading this made me cry. Its exactly what I’m feeling (minus children). I am ALWAYS SO SAD. It will be a year in May
Big hugs, Linda. Have you tried a widow support group – in person or online. If not, I highly recommend it. It’s so helpful seeing others who are farther ahead; gives us hope.
I see myself in everyone of your points. My sons and I just managed the 1 yr mark, and we are experiencing the “don’t play the widow/grief card” I appreciate knowing there are others out there who feel like we do
You’re not alone. Be sure to be kind and patient with yourself as you go into Year 2.
This is truly amazing. I am reaching the 3rd month of my own journey and I smiled reading through this post because it just says everything based on experience. I have been so worried about so many things but I know I’d be alright. Thanks for this. I am not alone.
Yes, often times our fears are worse than the reality. Hang in there. The dark clouds eventually lift and allow in more bursts of sunshine.
I just stumbled upon this site looking for, I don’t know, just something. Something to assist me in managing this unexpected life, life without my husband. I’m approaching the third month and I have both good days and bad. I still find it hard to believe he’s gone but I know I have to carry on for my sons and I. It’s good to know that sites like this exist with literature and people who understand what you’re going through.
Sorry for your loss. Hope for Widows Foundation runs a great group for those in the rawest stages of grief. Consider checking them out.
Thank you..My husband died last week. We were high school sweethearts, together over 32 years.I know nothing else. He was my everything. Took care of the bills, the kids.
I feel like Im not sad enough for my in laws or coworkers… youre working? Well yeah my bill companies said We dont care who died you owe us money and it’s up to me and me alone.
I think us working split schedules helped me not to miss him so much. Like Im going to get up in the morning and he will be making me coffee for work. I feel like Im going nuts. Talking to him, laughing at the weird coincidences. Telling him to stop messing around when something falls. Knowing that what Im feeling is normal makes me feel like less of a freak. But hell Im not looking forward to year 2.
SO sorry Lisa. I hope you’ll consider a widow support group on Facebook. My biggest regret was waiting almost 4 years to join one.
i’m 43 and lost the love of my life 12days ago.
i am forever lost.
Be sure to reach out to local grief support groups or online ones. They’ll be a huge part of your healing.
I’m just one month. Wishing you peace. And me. Wishing me peace too
I lost my husband 2 months ago. Like you Lisa we worked split schedules. I feel the same way you do. On the week ends it is harder because we were both off and that is when I realize he is not here anymore. I have to keep going though. Trying to stay busy is the key.
Love this article, and LOVE the energy of the widowed sister in the picture. I want to feel that free again. Thank you for naming these things. On a day like today, when life just seemed to much to bear, it was just what I needed to see and read.
So glad it was helpful <3
This is so true! My sons and I just went through the first year without my love, their dad. I have experienced everything you mentioned. The funny thing with grief is that the days that I expect to be difficult aren’t as bad as some very unexpected days. I just know that not a day goes by where I don’t think about Jason.
So true. I find the same thing
Everyone said Your too young to become a widow, Im 36 its been a year since my hubby passed away, Trying hard and do my best to be strong for my son.
Thank you for your words, I needed to read that. Next month will be a year since my husband passed. I met him at 18, married,had our beautiful daughter 9 years later and had an amazing marriage for 24 years.
I’m am beyond tired of people telling me what I should be doing, feeling etc……. I realize most mean well but they don’t “get” it. No one in my family or friend group have gone through this. Thank God, because I want no one to experience what my daughter and I have gone through. It’s taken me almost a year but I have finally learned to put boundaries in place. For myself and my daughter, because I will be damned if I listen to one more person tell us how to live and what it’s time for and what we should be doing.
Glad they were helpful and good for you for setting boundaries!
I’m widowed x 2, my 1st husband of almost 29 years passed away in 2015 from devastating ALS, I remarried in Jan. 2018, and he suddenly passed from a heart attack 3 months later … It’s 2 yrs now, seems like yesterday for both somedays, and like forever ago other days. I have learned to disregard what others say and feel about my life choices! Until you go through this, you shouldn’t judge, and I don’t wish it on anyone…
Sorry you had to do through this twice. Exactly, no one judge!