1. Everyone will tell you how to “widow”. They’ll tell you about a coworker, distant cousin or former neighbor. Take the information with a grain of salt. Grief is not linear. There’s no one way to be widowed.

2. In losing you’ll gain. From in-laws to friends, there will be those who cannot handle your grief. Though it hurts, know everyone in your life isn’t meant to complete the journey with you. Draw strength from those who truly have your back and reach out to your widowed community. You’ll find the most incredible network of friends that you never knew you even needed. Let them be part of your healing.

3. There will be times when it feels as though no one mentions your spouse’s name anymore. It will seem as though they’ve forgotten. Don’t let that stop you from saying his name, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

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4. Some will assume that you’re “over” your loss once you restart your “regular” routine. They won’t understand what it’s like to carry on despite a part of your heart missing. They won’t understand how trying to live again is the only thing stopping you from dying. 

5. You’ll be told it’s time to stop playing the “widow card”…that your husband has been dead for some time now. Unfortunately, unless they’ve lived it, they won’t realize that the funeral was the “easy” part. They got to go home to their lives while you were left to make sense of what was left of yours.

6. You may be judged for dating too quickly. But, you’ll also be chastised for waiting too long to date. Follow your heart. There is no right or wrong time to open your heart to love again.

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7. At times there may be guilt for the laughter, the happiness, the joy or the love that comes into your life post-loss. Embrace it. Know that you deserve to be happy after experiencing such a devastating loss. You don’t earn widow points for remaining in the darkest parts of your grief. It’s okay to live!

8. Some days, you’ll hate the circumstances of your life. Other days, you’ll look in the mirror and be amazed at the bad-ass you’ve become. You’ve learned to stand up for yourself…scratched home improvement tasks off your list…juggled the finances…and more. Plus, you’re raising pretty awesome kids as a solo parent. Give yourself credit.

9. You’ll learn to live around  your loss. Start by focusing on the good in each day. Even with a significant puzzle piece missing, aren’t you still able to recognize the beauty of the entire picture? 

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10. Whether year 1 or 10 year, there are times when the magnitude of your loss will leave you gasping for air. Where you grieve the life you planned together…the children and grandkids…traveling…retirement. Allow yourself to feel that pain. You lost a spouse and no amount of time ever fully takes that hurt away. As the expression goes, “It’s okay to have a bad day. Just don’t unpack and live there”.

Enjoy the blog? Consider picking up a copy of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life”. Available at Walmart, Amazon, BookBaby and other fine retailers.

Mom to a feisty kindergartener, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.

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