It seems family, friends, and in-laws all want to offer their two-cents to widows. While some advice is genuine and comes from the person’s heart, there are some propositions that apparently came straight from our spouses, delivered to us via an estranged family member or long-lost friend.

Among our favorite (note the sarcasm) messages from our husbands are:

How Spend the Insurance Payout

They say money and death bring out the worst in people and unfortunately both factors are in play with widowhood. Inevitably, there will be someone who thinks the surviving spouse is not entitled to the insurance payout. We’ve heard it all from, “He was going to leave you before he died” to “You’re living off blood money”. Whether or not you think we’re “deserving” of the money, it is not your business. If our spouses wanted your input as to how we should spend it, he would have included you in the will or left you as the executor of the estate. You have no right to question why any widow pays off her house, quits her job, travels or buys a new car. We also hope you realize that no amount of money replaces our husbands and we’d gladly return it if it meant living out our happily after. 

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To Give Away His Possessions

We know our spouses had conversations with friends and family that may not have included us. But, is it too much to ask that you allow us to say a decent goodbye before you start asking about his prized motorcycle, tools, etc.? His ashes have barely cooled and yet here you stand before his grieving spouse and children making demands about what was allegedly promised. Regardless of what you think you are owed, our first priorities are our children, ourselves and making sure we don’t drown in our grief. Please understand we are grieving. We are barely holding it together. We are numb. We are in pain. We are not plotting against you or hiding his assets. Allow us time to make sense of the senseless before you extend a hand for anything other than a hug. 

Allow Toxic People in Our Lives

Sadly, in-laws can quickly become outlaws when a spouse dies. The person who served as the buffer is gone and many times widows are faced with the harsh reality that we were never really loved, merely tolerated. While the vast majority of us believe in the importance of having in-laws continue to be active and involved in our children’s lives, it shouldn’t come at the expense of undermining our parenting. We won’t allow you to guilt-trip us into having a relationship with our children while you belittle, criticize, and berate us in their presence. Our spouses – your son, your brother – would not have wanted toxic relationships in our lives. Truth be told, it’s for this exact reason that you were kept at arm’s length. 

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Not Have Another Man Around His Children 

The rumors and gossip start even before we’re ready to start dating. For some, it’s always too soon. For others, we’re wasting our lives pining away for a dead man. When children are involved, the opinions are a dime-a-dozen. We’ll be told that our husbands would not be comfortable having another man in our children’s lives. We’ll be told we’re replacing their father, that we’re forcing our kids to accept a new partner. The reality is that no one – absolutely no one – will ever take our husbands’ place. Inviting a new man into our children’s lives in no way diminishes the role of their father. Just because our spouses died doesn’t mean they never existed. It is our job to continue preserving those memories for the kids. Our new partners establishing their own unique bond with our children and taking on a father-figure role while acknowledging their grief, is a testament to their fathers, not an insult.  

The next time you feel the need to play the “your husband would have wanted” card, dig deep and ask yourself if he’d really want you to say the words that are about to come out your mouth. 

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.