Your love story could have been the inspiration for a Hallmark movie. Your spouse made you the center of the universe and reminded you each day of how much you were loved. You felt confident, honored, and beautiful. There may have been times you had to pinch yourself, but this was your reality. You were simply adored and had your needs anticipated without ever uttering a word. Your imperfections were perfect in your spouse’s eyes, and you were wanted and desired even on the days you felt less than your best self.
But then your world collapsed around you. The medical diagnosis…the phone call…the suicide. A tragedy occurred that shattered life as you knew it. Your person was gone. The one who made you feel alive simply by their existence was no more.
Perhaps this isn’t quite your story. Maybe it started that way, but something changed over the years. The person who once put you on a pedestal seemed to spend every waking moment tearing you down…emotionally, mentally, or physically. Nothing you ever did or said was good enough. You soon bought into the lies and began to question your worth.
That one last argument or fight upended things. Maybe you threatened to leave. Maybe it was the pending divorce. Whatever it was that led to that fateful decision, you were left widowed. Part of you felt free though you missed the person you wished your spouse could have become. But you were also left broken, racked with guilt and questioning your worth.
Widowhood changes you. Despite eventually evolving into a fiercely independent, no-nonsense badass, it also leaves you vulnerable. It amplifies your anxiety, furthers your fears, increases your insecurities, and grows your guilt. And, if those weren’t bad enough, should you ever decide to date again, you’re left wondering, “Who will want me?”
My dear widow sister, I want to remind you of the wise words someone shared with me: “You’re never too anything for love to find you.” Being widowed doesn’t exclude you from having another great love story.
While I do recommend you get to a healthy place in your grief – being mindful that it’s always going to be a part of you – please don’t eliminate yourself from the possibility of love because you’ve lost a spouse. Sure, dating someone who is widowed may come with different or unique circumstances, but that doesn’t mean you’re unlovable.
Your kids are out of control trying to cope with their grief? Still lovable.
You still cry about your late-spouse? Still lovable.
You remain close with your in-laws? Still lovable.
Some days you feel like you’re a hot mess? Still lovable.
You’ve gained 80 pounds and aged 10 years in two years? Still lovable.
Your spouse died as a result of suicide? Yup! Still lovable.
I know it feels as though you’ve been branded with this terrible scarlet letter, but widowhood isn’t the sum total of your life. While it is very much life-altering and its tentacles affect almost all aspects of life, your life is greater than the title of “widow.”
Yes, part of you may have died on that horrible day, but death didn’t take all of you. You’re kind. Thoughtful. Appreciative. Empathetic. Understanding. Nurturing. Funny. Resilient. Brave. Determined. Hopeful. Devoted. Loving. Plus, even though you may not always feel it: BADASS. Do you know the kind of resolve it takes to keep going after the proverbial rug has been ripped out from under you? Widowhood might have just been one of the horrible things you’ve experienced – some back-to-back-to-back. Yet, here you are, having stared into the face of cancer, lost a child, achieved sobriety, etc. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of grace. You are worthy of respect. You are worthy of forgiveness. You are worthy of peace. You are worthy of joy. You are worthy (in all aspects of your life, not just when it comes to romantic love).
Please don’t give the faint voices in your head a microphone when they dare to ask who are you to desire love. When they question why you, someone who already had a fairytale romance, are deserving of another one. When they challenge your ability to receive love, having been freed from the hell that was your marriage. When they call out your widow baggage and the heaviness of its load.
Also, don’t overlook the important role a professional therapist or grief counselor can play in helping you to quiet those voices if you continue to struggle. There’s no shame in seeking help to become a better version of yourself.
You – in all your widow grime and gunk – are worthy. The right person will see beyond your grief and love the lessons you’ve taken from your loss. They’ll love the you that you are right now and the you that you’re fighting to become each day.
Demand your worth from everyone and don’t settle or compromise if it means being treated “less than.”
YOU ARE WORTHY AND YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. Don’t ever forget that!
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
This is reassuring even for us senior widows. Those of us who were blessed to have more than half our lives with the man who became everything to us.
Or even the senior of us who might have experienced divorce and then found “the one” who soon after got the diagnosis, or the call that he died.
Since every widow loses 2/3 of who we once were with our husband. Maybe it takes a little more time, faith and hope to figure out how we want our life to be.
Or maybe, as you say, we need to fine tune, turn up the volume of that voice in in our heads that says, “You are worthy.”
Thank you for your wisdom.
I’m so sorry, Patricia. Widowhood sucks regardless of age for sure. Most of us wish for more time – no matter how long or short our marriages were.
Wonderful
Words of hope. I’m struggling to find a companion. Life feels so unfair and lonely. I have family, I have friends. I feel the need of a companion. I feel like I’m not being grateful enough for what I do have. I miss my husband terribly. I have good day and bad days. Thanks for your encouragement.
Give yourself grace. We all have those days. Big hugs
This is a great post for me to read right now. I have been dating a widow for over a year now, and while we are very much in love, we struggle with some of this. She struggles opening up to me, pushes me away when we get closer, feels guilt for finding love again (especially with little ones still at home), etc.
Unfortunately these challenges are pretty common. Be sure to communicate open and honestly and always remember your feelings are valid too (even with our pain, we don’t get a monopoly on feelings). Best wishes to you both.
This post really spoke to me and I needed it right now. I lost my spouse 1 week ago and while moving on is nowhere near my thoughts (in fact the thought makes me cringe at the moment), I needed to read this. Can anyone recommend any support groups that don’t require a Facebook account?
So sorry for your loss. Soaring Spirits International offers a wealth of online and offline resources. I’m not familiar with their work, but a few widows I know found GriefShare helpful.
Find a Grief Share group. Sorry for your loss,lost my husband in Sept 2021
I’m a young widow and relate to almost all that you so eloquently wrote. It is difficult to see my strengths and gifts of the grieving process at times, so thank you.
I also want to add that those of us who are missing our beloved husbands in social isolation is no small feat! The absence they left behind is especially felt at this difficult time. Know you are not as alone as you might feel. We are here with you in full empathy.
Thank you Kerry for the article.
Yes, and COVID made that isolation so much more crippling. Hugs to you.
Thank you Kerry for sharing your experience and thoughtfulness on your blog.
I lost my wife of 17 years. I was 41 and she was 43. I met somebody new after I lost my wife. . And she is so amazing. But I feel that my grief and inability too sometimes not respond rational , emotional , confused ,and thoughtful of her own emotions, when a disagreement occurs, I have lost her and destroyed that relationship. And now I feel lost all over again.
Its been 21 months. Only started seeing a full time therapist 90 days ago. Good advice because it does help.
Thanks again for sharing your story. I will look forward to more .
I’m sorry that relationship was destroyed. You can only learn from it and try not to repeat the same mistakes. So glad you’re in therapy. That will definitely help. All the best and thanks for the kind words!
Thank you so much for these words.. I’m tears reading them. Still in early grief so not even close to looking but it still touched me reading this. Thank you
Hugs on your loss. If you aren’t already familiar with Hope for Widows Foundation and Soaring Spirits, both are great resources, especially for those raw stages of loss.
Great read and great timing that I found this, thank you 🙏
Dear Kerry,
You are a beautiful writer!! 😌
Thank you so much, Ivona. I truly appreciate the compliment!