I’m not sure what it is about widowed people dating that makes those around us feel it’s open season to judge and offer their two-cents about our lives and marriages. This is even more upsetting when it comes from members of the widowed community.
While I respect your decision not to date, it is not correlated with how much you love your wife/husband. Your choosing not to date post-loss is simply that, a choice. By implying the decision not to date is somehow synonymous with the depth and breadth of love, means everyone who loves post-loss is dishonoring the life they created with a late partner.
You honor a spouse by how you embrace life after he or she is gone.
You honor a spouse by being the best version of yourself.
You honor a spouse by moving towards light after having so much darkness invade your life.
You honor a spouse by living.
And for some, living involves dating.
The next time you want to stand on your soapbox and belittle a widow(er) who is dating, consider the resolve and bravery it must take to open your heart to love again, even as the very people who know first-hand the magnitude of your loss, judge you.
The widow who falls in love with a former classmate six months after losing a spouse…
The widower who creates a dating profile nine months post-loss…
The widow who gets engaged within a year of the death…
The widower who marries the widow in his support group two years after losing his wife…
All had great love stories that ended much too soon. All still love their late spouses. All are honoring their former marriages. All deserve the right to love again…without judgment.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
This is so true. I’m 5 months out & have just begun dating again. In my excitement I shared a photo of my date (who I really like BTW) with my late husbands sister. Filling her in so she isn’t shocked in a few months if someone new starts appearing in my FB photos. Her reaction was “wow, didn’t take long for you”. No best wishes, no happy to see you’re getting on with your life. Some people just think you should be miserable and grieve forever
We fulfilled our vows, and as I remember reading, if we don’t take a new date to the funeral then it’s never too soon. Lol. You and you alone know when you’re ready. All the best!
Similar thing happened to me. We were at a work function, everyone was in good spirits… A lady asked if I’m seeing anyone, I said yes. An older lady looked at me and said no that’s to soon. My husband passed away in December 2018.
I just said soon for who, have you ever been a widow?
It got awkward but I had said my piece
I truly felt you knew exactly what’s been happening in my life when I read this! Thank you for your words and the remarkable reassurances that it’s ok, we all move forward differently.
Glad it was helpful, Melanie.
Yes, thanks for sharing. I think society is harsher on widows than widowers. My church and relatives are judgmental when I go on dates and say I neglect my kids and everyone is critical of who I choose and say it’s hard to see me with anyone else other than my spouse. My pastor, I just found out, was contemplating asking my date whom I took to church what his intentions were with me. I’m 44. You’d think I was an irresponsible 16 year old that needs daddy’s permission. I’m two years from my husbands passing. I purposely did not date for an entire year. Now I just started dating again and everything hits the fan. That’s why I took a year off to start with. Here it goes again… I’ve got morals, boundaries, and am a very good mom, but everyone throws my track record out the window as soon as a man shows up.
Exactly! Keep doing you.
I started seeing someone a few months after. Nothing serious yet. Just going out and reconnecting with myself and the world. Including finding out what’s changed about my views on dating. My family said it’s too soon. I was told “6 months to a year at least!” Or “it takes at least 3 years to go through this process…” All I know is that if I waited until I didn’t grieve anymore then I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I just want them to trust that I know what’s best for me.
So true. You’re never going to be without that pain. I think it’s important to discover who you are post-loss and just be sure you’re dating from a healthy place – for some that’s 6 weeks, for others 6 years.
I would add to the list you gave about honoring a spouse by saying you honor a spouse by how you love and treat them while they are living, not by what you do or don’t do after their passing.
Agreed!
Widowed at 27years now 28 its been the worst part of my living, having sick kids with no jobs and no inheritance to the point of selling everything inthe house to cater for bills. I pray everything turns out better for us this new year
All the best for 2021!
Thank you for this. I’m four months post loss but a friend told me he was falling in love with me. If I just wanted to jump into a random relationship I could have chosen any of the slimy ‘friends’ who eyed my single status when my boyfriend died.
I really like this guy and I want to keep living my life to the fullest, judgement be damned.