It’s often said that when a widow loses a spouse, her heart expands to allow new love in.
While I absolutely believe this to be true, I often wonder about the section of my heart that remains off limits.
The part that never imagined ‘til death do us part’ coming after only a year of marriage.
The part that died when it was shattered by an early morning phone call.
The part that believed widowhood was reserved for ‘old’ people, not those in the prime of their lives.
That section of my heart has a “closed permanently” sign.
I’m no longer the naive 32 year old who felt invincible and out of death’s reach.
I loved my husband so fully and so wholly that I couldn’t imagine a life without him.
Then he died.
And I survived.
I didn’t curl up into a ball and wait to die (as much as I wanted to).
I chose to live for me and in some small capacity for him. He loved life too much for me to quit.
As a result of his death, that blind, innocent love I once believed in is no more.
The love that believed in “forever” and unicorns and rainbows died with him.
Some days, I’m saddened by that. It seems so Lifetime-like and maybe even romantic to say, “I’ll die without you”.
Unfortunately, that’s no longer my truth.
Then, there are other days when I think I’m brave for loving despite this new reality.
For expanding my heart and letting someone else in knowing that there can be a cancer diagnosis, an accident, a suicide.
To allow someone to love me, with the full knowledge that he may one day be in my shoes…
So while a part of my heart is closed, a new part is under construction. It’s learning that it’s okay that I’ll never love so naively again. That I shouldn’t beat myself up or compare the two versions of love that exist within me.
I’ve seen the underbelly of love and experienced the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. I see the vulnerabilities of widowhood every single day. Yet, I love on.
That alone should speak for itself. LOUDLY!
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.
I needed time was this. I thank you for this. I am a widow at 48 and a year gas past. It is true that part of my heart is off limits.its a daily struggle with grief but with god I survive.
Glad it was helpful. You absolutely will survive with the grace of God. All the best!
bless you, thank you for sharing.
I appreciate it. Thanks!
That is very beautiful
Thanks, Linda!
Beautifully said! From one widow loving on to another…you got this right!
Thanks so much!
One thing we all struggle with is letting someone back in your life. I have learned that it is ok to love again however differently. Thank you for sharing.
Me too and realizing that different can be just as good – it’s not a bad thing
Thank you
Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who feels lost 🙁
But God is good 🙂
And with this helps me lot . Thank you very beautiful
Amen! Thanks so much, Andrea
I’ve been widowed 9 years I think all of me went with him.
Big hugs. I hope you’re still able to find a bit of happy
I was widowed at 52 after 28 wonderful yrs. I remarried just 2 yrs later to an old friend that was so loving and supportive… lost him 3 months later. I am stronger this time, but no more love for me. I will enjoy my daughter and grandbabies…
I’m so sorry. Love finds you in other unexpected ways – the love of grandkids for example.
As a new widow (my husband died 4 days after my 29th birthday after 5 months of marriage) I have received the advice from other widows that It is possible to love again but it will be “different” I’ve been grieving that bc I loved our love and THATS what I wanted for my life. Not something different. It’s also daunting hearing that…what the heck does “different” mean. It touched me when you said that the possibility for naive love is gone. I feel that and this encourages me that that’s okay. I also feel like that naive love remains with him, regardless of his body not being on earth anymore. I often tell myself in low moments that this experience has given me a gift, I get to live the rest of my life with a deeper understanding of love and loss and can love my life with better intention.
And it’s so important to remember that different isn’t a bad thing. We often think it will be less than or subpar but different can be on the same level and for some, different even means a stronger connection/bond than with late spouse.
So true I was with my husband for 4 years and we were only married for 18 days and then he passed away from an accident. I just dont know what I am going to do. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up and his 1 year anniversary of him passing is coming up so lost
So sorry for your loss, Sammi. I think it’s important to find a tribe of widows who can be here for you on days like anniversaries. Hope for Widows Foundation and Soaring Spirits International are great, especially for the first few years