It was August 23, 2017, when Michelle Miller of Mouth Michelle’s Musing shared an Instagram photo with my support group that had fingers typing in a frenzy. Finally! There was a word to describe what so many widows were feeling…
WID•HOE: When you need intimacy but you are emotionally broke AF (defined by HellaWidowAF)
Eventually, variations of “widhoe” started popping up: widow whore, widow slut, etc. The words circled through widow groups and eventually made their way onto personal pages and mainstream social media. Widows and non-widows alike clutched their pearls and wondered what kind of widow would engage in multiple sexcapades and one-night stands. Obviously, she is just acting out because she was in a bad or abusive marriage. Clearly, she is angry because she was widowed as a result of suicide. Right? Wrong!
I recently chatted with a group of widows who had loving marriages yet opted to explore their sexuality post-loss. These are their stories:
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Karen, Widowed at 35
Describe your marriage: I had an amazing marriage, kind of like a fairy tale. No, things weren’t all unicorns and rainbows every day, but we truly loved each other and were soulmates. My husband woke me up, kissed me, and told me he loved me before he left for work. He was hit by someone doing 73 mph in a 45 mph zone. He passed away at the hospital from internal injuries an hour before I got there.
How did you delve into sex post-loss? Two months after my husband’s passing, I made a dating profile just for finding guys to have one night stands. I missed the physical touch, being told I was beautiful every day and actually feeling it. For weeks, I would sleep with a different guy every night and not speak to them again. I didn’t want anything more than sex from them.
Did you consider yourself promiscuous before marriage? I was not. I dated and had sex but only with men I was dating and had been dating for a while. My husband was actually the first man I had ever slept with on a first date and I was 32 years old!
How long did this phase of your grief last? There were four weeks of a different guy every night. The reason I stopped was because I ran into a guy I dated before meeting my husband. We hung out that night, no sex, just talking. We’ve been spending time together ever since. I recently introduced him to my family.
What are your thoughts on titles such as ‘widow whore’? I think they are degrading. It seems like anyone who goes through a divorce or breakup can go out and sleep around but Lord forbid someone who loses their spouse to death date let alone have sex. I feel like the world is judging me now for having a relationship only 15 weeks after he passed.
Any regrets…lessons…advice? I don’t have any regrets about what I did, as it was my way of dealing with the pain of losing my husband and needing validation from a man that I was attractive still. Thankfully I was adamant about using protection even in my foggy state. The biggest lesson I learned is I don’t need validation from anyone about myself or my life. I was able to find me again and realize this wasn’t the life I wanted as it would not be a good example for my daughter if she were to find out. I believe everyone grieves differently. If needing to explore your sexuality helps you, then do it and don’t worry about what others think. It’s your life and you only have one, so live it. Be sure to take precautions so you don’t end up with an STD or an unwanted pregnancy while finding yourself again.
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Renee, Widowed at 46
Describe your marriage: We had a very affectionate and loving marriage for over 20 years. My husband died in an accident.
How did you delve into sex post-loss? I was used to being touched regularly and missed it terribly. I hooked up with a longtime friend six months out while on vacation. We didn’t sleep together but almost did. I didn’t even think about his feelings but in the end, I hurt him. I then hooked up with another friend unapologetically.
Did you consider yourself promiscuous before marriage? I did have a phase in my 20’s where I slept around but I had broken off a long relationship and was having fun.
How long did this phase of your grief last? It only lasted 3-4 months and was only with 4 people. I felt a little out of control as it was outside of my normal behavior. I’ve calmed down since.
What are your thoughts on titles such as ‘widow whore’?: I don’t like the terms as I think that like any behavior, there are reasons for it. For me, mine was tied to my grief and missing my husband.
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Brenda, Widowed at 54
Describe your marriage: I was with my husband for over 30 years. We considered each other our best friend and there was never a doubt about our love for each other.
How did you delve into sex post-loss? Many months after my husband’s death, I had an insatiable desire for sexual contact. I was selective but I took chances on meeting multiple men just for sexual contact.
How long did this phase of your grief last? It lasted about five years. I realized I deserve more than casual sex or a “friends with benefits” (FWB) situation. I found out that I was capable of loving again and that I wanted a complete, well-rounded relationship.
What are your thoughts on titles such as ‘widow whore’? I do not like titles because men are not looked upon as whores, sluts, etc ., when they have multiple sex partners. I don’t think that women should be categorized as sluts because they are sexual. It’s very much a double standard.
Any regrets…lessons…advice? I have no regrets. It’s something I needed to go through. It’s now part of my past. I would say that if you want to explore your sexuality post-loss, go for it. You only have one life. Concentrate on making yourself happy. No one else is living your life. Be careful. Use common sense. Use protection.
While the stories shared by these three ladies may not be the way you’ve chosen to grieve, it doesn’t give you the right to judge them. If you haven’t lost a spouse, you definitely have no right to shame widows who choose this route. You have no idea who or what you’ll become upon hearing the words, “He’s gone”.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.
This is absolutely beautiful! Widowed at 29 (my late husband just turned 31 the week before his passing) I am currently in this season of my journey. I miss the physical touch and the soft words of “you’re incredible” (etc…). I miss falling asleep beside of him or him tickling my back until I fall asleep.
I can relate to this post. A year and few months after my husband died, I felt the need for physical intimacy. I took a risk and slept with a guy. I was terrified and thought I would never have physical contact with anyone after my husband died. That experience helped me regain my confidence and easy my anxiety and having a life after him. I don’t regret it.
I thought this was my own dark secret shame…like something inside me snapped when my husband died. I’m so relieved reading that I’m not alone in this.
Excellent speaks to the unseen world we reside. Thank you.
wow this really means a lot to me. seeing a post like this. Makes me realise that i am normal and that it was ok, what i did after i lost ,y husband in a car accident. I felt like i needed that touch, that closeness from a man but didnt want to be in a relationship at all. untill i met my current partner, i was on a dating site seeing multiple men.
I was a month pregnant at 31 when my son’s father died. We were engaged and had started trying for a baby. I found out the day he died that I was pregnant. I slept with 3 different guys intermittently while I was pregnant, one while I was 8 months, always using protection. I needed to be held and feel loved. It is very lonely to be widowed and pregnant. I have no regrets. I’m still single, and out of the dating/hookup scene for now. My son’s 11 months old, and he is the love of my life.
Thanks for sharing your story, Helen. Congrats on the bundle of joy <3
I came across this article searching for some reassurance after my partner passed. The difference is that I am a gay man in the same boat but glad I am
Not alone just the same. Thanks!
Thanks for commenting, Robert. Please consider checking out Soaring Spirits International. They are going same great things with grief tied to the LGBTQ community.
Such a relief to read this….good marriage of 39 yrs- but due to his inability – no sex for quite awhile- after he died I had more then my share of sex with different partners before I found my Chapter two.
Glad you’ve found your “Chapter 2”. So many feel judged but those judging have no clue what our marriages were like or have ever walked a day in our shoes.
I am 7months into widowhood. My husband of 35yrs had a degenerative disease that took his life. He was really dead to our marriage 15 yrs before that. I stayed faithful but it was a huge sacrifice. Recently I had a friend with benefits but no intimacy. Strictly sex. It was ok but it brought me back to the real world. Broke down walls. I do not regret it at all
It was what you needed at the time. Glad it wasn’t something you have regrets about.
I was married for nearly 18 years my beautiful loving wife had cancer for eight years I made her a promise to move forward to start dating and to be intermit as soon as possible I did so for nearly six years even tho I don’t have any regrets I have realised that I’m worth more I’ve apologised in person and on social media I’m now single but at peace
You certainly can’t buy peace so kudos to you for achieving that 🙂
I really appreciate this article and responses. Although I’m over 10 years out from being widowed; I’m still criticized from dating less than a tear from when my husband passed. For me, it was a way to deal with my grief. I am now remarried & dealing with the challenges of a blended family. I am often treated as divorced from my late husbands family as they don’t know how to deal. People whom are widowed should be allowed to grieve without judgement!
Amen! It’s too bad they’ve taken that position. Dating post-loss certainly doesn’t mean you’re “over” the death. Shame on anyone judging us.
This is so me! 51 and attempted online dating for the first time one year after his death. One guy was so, so hot via text – and then nothing one day before our scheduled date.
I initially felt so dirty for being so aroused and desiring sex like I did, but now realize that it’s healthy to reclaim this part of me. Will consider exploring this a little more…
Good for you! Just be safe 🙂
Why women insist on judging other women so harshly is mind boggling … but to judge a widow (whether you’re a widow or not) is reprehensible. We would never judge a widower or even a non-widower like this or ask if he was promiscuous. (Instead, the world seems to understand that widowers hook up in less than a year.) I’ve been widowed over 5 years and have yet to have an intimate relationship still, I understand if a widowed sister has chosen an opposite route. We all grieve differently. My only concern is whether or not a widow would feel worse afterward rather than better. Oversexing is simply another form of escape like overdrinking or overeating. Ideally, all is in moderation.
Agreed!
I am dating a widow for the first time and am the person that she feel in love with not the guys she was having sex with. I wish I knew what I was getting into before I feel in love. I wish I would have been communicated to on the extent of this issue before I feel in love. I don’t know what she went through I don’t know that experience, I try to support and understand however once you go from casual dating and contact to love it all changes. Then the truth starts to come out of the scope of the what happened a few years before you and it’s overwhelming. Men still trying to hook up and contact her. I know she hasn’t been unfaithful in fact she is a incredible woman and that’s what I fell in love with, I may not of if I really knew More of her past. Please take this into consideration and communicate as best you can your past and what someone is getting into so they can decide before the feelings get really strong. It is a struggle because you want to support the woman your in love with but you also are a human that has emotions and feelings and may not of let yourself fall in love like you did.
I think your being a tad judgemental there to be honest. It’s ok for a guy to have multiple partners in his past but not for a woman? Had you known in advance you wouldn’t have let yourself fall in love with her? Words actually fail me as I might start effing and blinding if I do say any more. Bloody unbelievable! What a catch you are for her the poor woman… Try putting yourself in her shoes just once mate. And maybe you would understand instead of being so judgemental. I am widowed six month so far and I would never judge any one for delving into their grief and using their sexuality to cope! Man or woman we are human and we feel and need the touch of a person. No I haven’t taken this route but I wouldn’t label that person I would see it as the coping mechanism that it was.
I am understanding your plight as I am traveling a similar road. It is not an easy thing to experience. I can only hope what may come is worth the agony.
I just got back to this, you need to relax a bit. I never once said I was judgmental of her at all. Yes i if I knew in advance I would have kept it casual that’s it. I lit terrible what she went through I get it. It’s just not for me, it maybe for others that’s great for them they are different. Now that I know this I don’t date widows unless it’s completely casual and we both get what we want, again not there is anything wrong with widows and a future long term relationship it’s just not for me. I’m honest about it.
I have a widower for two years now. During that time I have missed everything about my marriage. I specially miss the touches and caresses, hugs and kisses that we shared. We had good and bad times, but we loved one another.
Yes, they describe that as “skin hunger” and so many of us can relate to missing those touches.
Thank you very much for sharing your stories. I’m so sorry that society negatively labels women seeking human connection any time and especially post loss. I definitely see the unfairness in the grace I am given that women are not. Since losing my 3 decade partner, I’ve had a single long relationship that I jumped into just 4 months after Laurie passed. And unfortunately that new relationship has floundered and failed, so I’m finally spending the time grieving that I’d bypassed before (grieving two relationships now ). That makes a total of two women I’ve been intimate with in my life and I can admit to having fantasized about casual hookups for many years. Now that I have the “freedom” to do so, I find it scary and unappealing… I crave the safety of a warm cuddle more than I do sex.