When your life goes from “we” to “me”, all the household responsibilities fall squarely on the surviving spouse’s shoulders. From cooking to repairs, a group of widows shares their favorite life-hacks:

Children & Parenting

• Compile a list of five backup babysitters who can help you out in a pinch.
• If you’re raising young children, try to get them to mirror your sleep patterns. Nap when they do.
• Consider carpooling for sports practices.
• Get your kids involved in an activity or sport where you can drop them off. They’ll be doing an activity they love and it gives you a parenting break.

“My daughter is a competitive dancer and has about 12 hours of practice a week. It’s expensive but I see it as she’s getting to participate in something she loves, and I get 12 hours of childcare a week. It’s a win-win!” – Natalie

• Don’t beat yourself up for ‘only’ being able to afford expensive toys. Crayons, markers, books, Play-Doh, drawing, etc. allows you to spend quality time together.
• Ask the teenagers in your neighborhood if they want to earn extra money by babysitting.
• Find a good widow friend with whom who you can co-parent.

• Subscribe to a meal service such as Blue Apron or Hello Fresh if you aren’t getting help with hot meals.
• Order your groceries online and use the pick-up option so you don’t have to deal with kids in the store.

“I just did this for the first time last week and will be doing it from now on! You don’t spend as much on impulse buys” – Carolyn

• Consider grocery delivery services such as Amazon Fresh, Amazon Prime Pantry, and Shipt
• Grab pre-made meals from the hot case at the grocery store.
• Try apps such as Mealime which helps you learn to cook, eat healthy, and save time with personalized and healthy meal plans.
• Use smaller appliances such as a Crock-Pot, toaster oven, and Instant Pot to make smaller quantities of food.

“Early on, even seeing the leftovers would make me cry. It was such a reminder that my husband was gone. A friend bought me a nice set of food storage containers and I started setting aside the leftovers in the containers as I served myself. It didn’t feel as lonely if that makes sense, and it really did help for future food prep!” – Jessie

• Check out Pinterest boards on “Meals for One” if you’re an empty-nester or do not have young children.
• Cook something at the beginning of the week like chicken and vegetables (or buy a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from the grocery store). Then, you can make the leftovers into different meals throughout the week (tacos, pizza, fried rice, casserole, etc.).

Money & Finances 

• Consult with a money manager regardless of how much money you have or do not have.
• Set up automatic payment on your important bills or have a trusted friend do this for you.

“I’ve been able to practically pay for my son’s private school tuition on the gains this year!” – Amy

• Create a Lotsa Helping Hand account, a place to create a “care community” to assist with meals and appointments, especially in the months following the loss of a spouse.

“I’m terrible at asking people for help. I felt lazy asking for someone to pick up my daughter from swim practice. It would take 20 minutes, but it was during dinner, so I would have to pause everything. It was nice to cook and have her returned home. People particularly liked giving kids rides. Let your ‘care community’ help.” – Michelle

• Use a centrally located (kitchen) large wall calendar to update family, plans, practices, and to-dos. It helps keep the entire family on the same page.
• Get a small, fireproof strongbox for important papers that you will need to access often.

“I hired a college consultant. She worked with my son on ACT prep, read and edited all his essays, filled out all the college applications with him and the financial aid forms, and found and guided him through scholarship applications. Her services were worth every penny. She saved my sanity this past year and probably my relationship with my son.” – Leslie

• Send yourself emails about things you need to remember and add as much as you can to your calendar.

“Widow brain is real, and you will become very forgetful.” – Dina

• Hire a housecleaning service if you can afford it. Even a neighborhood teen who can do housekeeping chores helps tremendously.
• Do one task each night if you cannot afford a housekeeper. That way you won’t feel like you have a whole day of cleaning on your day off.

“I hired a cleaning lady to come once a month. It’s been worth every penny of the $100!” – Tera

• Invest in a hand steamer so you don’t have to iron.
• Give your children chores (taking out the trash, emptying dishwasher, etc.).
• Valet your laundry. It won’t be much more expensive than your utility costs of doing it at home.
• Get a Roomba.
• Invest in paper plates and plastic silverware.

“I don’t care as much about the cleanliness of my house but more about the well-being of the people in it.” – Angie

• Keep a handyman on standby to handle odd jobs.
• Hire a lawn service.

“Several years ago, I evaluated the time spent on things like laundry and cleaning, mowing the lawn and laying mulch in the garden and decided that the time spent doing something more enriching and fulfilling was well worth the money to hire someone. Usually, with a little searching, you can find neighborhood kids or local folks who would love to make a little extra to help out. Your sanity and free time will love you for hiring someone!” – Jennifer

• Buy a six-month supply of air filters and 10-year light bulbs.
• Consider downsizing from your current home.
• Watch YouTube videos for simple – and not so simple – home repairs.

“I’ve utilized YouTube to reference how to fix many household appliances. I’ve been able to fix my washing machine, dryer, install my dishwasher and even change my brakes. This weekend that list was extended to fixing the muffler too (total cost was under $10 for two clamps and a metal tube!) I always use Google for everything first before I spend time or money on paying someone else to fix something for me.” – Annmarie

• Don’t be afraid to learn how to do the things that your spouse did. If you think you might be able to learn, try to do so (i.e. landscaping, plumbing, painting, auto maintenance, etc.).

“I felt like superwoman when I unclogged my first shower drain by myself!” – Jessie

• Look into the cost savings of leasing a car vs. owning one (covered repairs).
• Check to see if towing is included in your auto insurance premiums. If not, purchase an AAA membership for emergencies.
• Include rental car coverage when renewing car insurance policy
• Invest in a second, cheap car if you can so you’ll have transportation if your car breaks down.

“A truck is a single woman’s best friend just in case you have to move big things like furniture yourself.” – LaTisha

• Use online pet retailers such as Chewy.
• Purchase the litter robot or automatic cleaning litter box for easy clean up.
• Pay a neighbor’s child weekly to clean the dog waste in your yard.

Friends & Family

• Nurture the relationship between your in-laws and kids. It is their connection to their lost dad/son. Then, take advantage of it and have them babysit regularly so you can have time alone, go shopping without kids or enjoy a girls’ night.
• Maintain friendships. You can get so busy with everything you have to do or get done that your friendships fizzle out.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay.
• Take people up on their generous offers to babysit, cook, take you out to dinner, etc.
• Don’t get mad at friends and family for not understanding your loss. Unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to “get it”.

Personal & Self Care

• Invest in waterproof mascara and dry shampoo for the days you want to look like you have it together.
• Schedule regular manicures/pedicures and/or massages. Human touch can be so vital.
• Don’t feel guilty for self-pleasure. Consider a battery-operated boyfriend (B.O.B).

“It may be hard for some of to justify spending money (or finding extra money) on things that help calm our minds and bodies, but it is so important. I just found out that I can use my flexible spending account to pay for massages! Now, I don’t feel guilty for spending household money on frivolous stuff because it’s already being deducted from my check pre-tax.” – Angelina

• Join a church if you don’t have one, and if/when you do, let the pastor or another elder know when you need assistance with something, then let them help.
• Take time for yourself – you cannot pour from an empty cup.

“I found it helpful writing thank you cards. It makes me remember how many were lifting us up and caring for us. I think gratitude is important to help build residency and to just enjoy life.” – Michelle

• Get a PlayStation, Xbox or literally any gaming console. You won’t sleep for a while and a good game will keep your brain occupied.

“Find another widow ‘buddy’ who you can vent to. Those 4 a.m. rants are important, and sometimes only someone who’s been in a similar situation will seem to understand the crappy existence you’re in. It also helps to have someone who you can share that funny, uniquely widow humor with.” – Tom

• Keep a bottle of wine and some chocolate on hand for the really bad days.

“Get yourself a big ‘grace bucket’ and dip from it frequently. Your children need to be taken care of but everything else can be let go to some degree. The house doesn’t have to be clean; you don’t have to volunteer to take stuff to the school; and the grass can be long or brown. Life is messy, not perfect. Let go of trying to control stuff – Tammy

• Seek out professional help and bounce ideas off him/her that you might have discussed with your late spouse.
• Cry as needed – even in public.
• Remember you don’t have to do things the way your spouse did. It’s okay to make things work differently.
• Stop giving a damn what people think of you and your decisions.

“I practice saying, ‘It is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me’. It helps.” – Janean

• Find one thing, big or small that brings you joy, and empowers you.

“After my husband died, the first joyful experience I had was seeing P!NK in concert, November 2013. Her music and message as a woman ‘underdog’ and mother have helped heal my heart as much as therapy. Through singing at the top of my lungs, I’ve reminded myself that I am also incredibly strong. I saw her again in concert several months ago. That night was the happiest I’ve been in the past 5 years!” – Ann

• Join a Facebook group, coffee club of widows, hospital grief group, etc. Find your people! They will be your lifeline.
• Be okay with a bad day. Just don’t unpack and stay there.
• Take up cussing. Find a quiet room and swear out loud.

“My kids used to ask for a ‘bubble’ for a safe space to say anything and not get in trouble. The day their dad died, my son asked for ‘a bubble’. I told him that for the foreseeable future we just lived in a bubble. We had so many giggles swearing! We still have pretty flexible rules about swearing here. Sometimes life requires strong language.” – Carolyn

*blog post contains Affiliate links

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.