No one goes through as much agony, guilt, pain, sadness and uncertainty quite like a widow preparing to date post-loss. Will he treat my children as his own? Will he understand I will always love my husband? Will he be accepted by my family and friends who simply adored my late spouse? What will my in-laws think?
No one is there with us as we flirt with the idea of dating, only to have that thought morph into fear and gut-wrenching sadness that the one man we want and need isn’t here. No one besides a fellow widow understands what it’s like to meet a nice guy and wrestle with ending the budding relationship simply because he’s not our beloved. Unless you’ve loved and lost, you don’t get how having a new relationship end can rip the bandage off the grief wound we thought was healing.
Dating post-loss takes courage and boldness. It takes an indomitable spirit and a resilient heart. Our dating is a testament to our marriage. We know the beauty that radiates from a couple in love and what companionship and commitment looks and feels like. Even if our marriage was toxic when we lost a spouse, dating again says we believe we are worthy of having a happily ever after with someone who will value the things our husband may have taken for granted.
Do you know what it’s like to watch your partner die? Have you ever had to face the reality of “until death do us part”? Dating after you lose a spouse takes balls. It means opening your already wounded heart to love with the ever-present fear that your new partner may die too. It’s being terrified that all the work you’ve done to rebuild your life can be wiped away with another cancer diagnosis…another accident…another suicide.
As a wise pastor once said, “People see your cup but not its content”. You don’t see all the emotions we had to unravel to even entertain the thought of dating post-loss. You weren’t there for the rejection, the lies, the games, the tears or the heartbreak. You see us dating but fail to understand what it took (and still takes) for us to embrace this new chapter.
I want you to know that despite our dating, engagement and/or subsequent marriage, it doesn’t mean:
- We’re “over” our spouse – How do you get over the fact that your future as you knew it was snatched away…sometimes with no warning. How can you make peace with every aspect of your life changing almost overnight?
- We don’t love our husband anymore – We are capable of loving more than one man. The heart can expand and love each man individually. Without malice. Without envy. Love never dies.
- We’re going to replace our child’s daddy – We work tirelessly to preserve the memories of our husband for our children. A new man in our child’s life in no way means their father is forgotten.
- We’ve “moved” on – What are we moving on to? We can only try to move forward despite a piece of our heart missing. There is no such thing as “moving” on.
- We’re no longer grieving – Our grief walks with us every. single. day. There is no day off from it. Sure, we may not cry as much but some days – even 10 years post-loss – can feel like Day 1.
- We’re “okay” – Someone once said that when you lose a part of your heart, you’re never truly “okay” again. You just learn to carry on.
Whether we choose to date 6 months or 6 years post-loss, please know you have no right to judge us. You haven’t walked in our shoes. We know you love your spouse and can’t fathom the thought of being with another man – even if he passed away. We were there too. The sad reality is that until it happens to you, you just don’t know what you’d do.
Instead of judging, praise our resiliency.
Instead of gossiping, praise our ability to rise from the ashes.
Instead of criticism, praise our newfound happiness.
We’ve earned the right to embrace life – including dating after the loss of a partner.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Wonderfully stated!!!
Thanks!
You are right!
Love is worth living!
Life is worth loving!
Well said. Life doesn’t stop because someone has passed away. We have to go on. Part of us never forgets or stops loving that individual, but another part of us has to move forward which is exactly what your partner would gave wanted. They would want you happy.
Thanks, Susi
This is exactly what I needed to read today. You took the thoughts right from my whirling mind.
Thank you, Bridget!
i was enlightened by this article. thanks
Thanks!
Thank you for this article. Needed to read it. It is challenging putting our hearts out again to both feel and give love, knowing we are still fragile and could be hurt once more. It takes a special person to be chapter 2 and we deserve to have someone who treats us the way we need and so deserve. I know I am more grateful, confident and clearer in my needs and communication this second time – to my chapter 2s benefit. I am trying to be the best version of me – the new me! I’ve spent over 2 years working out who I now am. So far so good. At my age; we are all a bit damaged so I have worked hard on mutual respect, lots of humour and happy energy. Wishing you all srength, resilience and positive vibes on this journey and on your quest for future love. Xxx .
Thanks so much for the kind words and kudos to you for creating a better version of yourself. We all should 🙂
Thanks a lot for the advise
You’re welcome
This is so well stated. Life needs to go on even when you feel you can’t face another day!
Thank you, Marsha <3
Oh my goodness thank you so much..for this
Glad it was helpful, Syreeta. Thanks!
Wonderful insight into post loss and moving forward. You have managed to put my thoughts into words. Thankyou
Thanks, Rebecca!
Oh my gosh! This article just brought me to tears. It is so, true and well written…I definitely would like to start dating again. My question is, “how”?
Thanks so much, Wendy. I think as far as dating, the biggest step is having an open mind and realizing that you aren’t going to meet version 2.0 of your late spouse. Best wishes and don’t give up as you may have to kiss a lot of frogs 🙂
Thank you for this. I don’t know if I’m ready to date, but I sure want those around me to understand that when I am, that it was not an easy choice. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful. There is no rush to date. Take your time
I met a man I like him a lot but I am am afraid
Take it one day at a time. Best wishes!
Thank you for being able to put so clearly into words what my heart and mind have been struggling to resolve.
Glad it resonated with you.
Thank you for this. I’m really struggling with all that dating thing. I was so in love with my late spouse (and I still love him so much), I doubt to ever feel something as strong with somebody else. So the big question is: do I wait for it eternally or do I lower my expectations and know that those intense feelings will never be as strong as the ones I have for my late spouse. My head is spinning thinking about it.
You definitely don’t have to lower your expectations. The love can be different but with the same standards 🙂
Kerry … It may be different this time but your questions are valid. Whether we divorced and remarried or widowed and remarried … I believe your heart adjusts if you really care and hope to love your new one. I am going through a “need him so badly” stage to ‘it’s okay to see each other when we can and know we care for each other” feelings in life. I find it hard to anticipate the everyday with my new someone since it’s different than before (42 years is a long time to love and be with your spouse.) I am willing. I care so much for him. We don’t live together (but I hope that may be in a year or so) and nights are sleepless when he isn’t here. We are all so grown up and getting older, I feel time is precious especially after the sudden death of my husband. I want everything “now” “yesterday” and life isn’t like that. If your new love is caring and there for you … that’s what matters.
Does he stop to really listen to your heart and does he help you through? This matters greatly. I hope you find your happiness. I hope I find mine too.
So very true. Thank you!