I vividly recall sitting in the doctor’s office a few months after my husband’s death. The receptionist had just handed me to the paperwork and asked me to complete the top portion.
There were questions about number of pregnancies, alcohol consumption and whether or not I felt safe at home. As my eyes scrolled down the page, there it was…a question I’d never given much thought to before: marital status.
The following choices were there:
Single
Married
Divorced
I fell into neither of those categories.
I was barely 32 with a husband who had died less than 3 months ago. Where was the box for that?
I stared at the paperwork as I had a mini-panic attack. The heaviness of my wedding bands on my fingers sure made me feel like I was still married but the loneliness in heart knew this wasn’t so.
Where was the freaking widowed box?
Sitting in that lobby was also one of the first times I acknowledged that I was in fact widowed. My mom had referred to me as a widow when talking to someone about a month before. I stood there confused as to what she’d just called me…only to realize a few seconds later that I was very much a widow….a young one at that.
I ended up creating my own category on the form. WIDOWED. I wrote it in all caps. I wrote it to acknowledge that I had gotten married. That for all of 1 year and 6 days, I was a wife.
Whenever I fill out forms, I’m always touched to see the “widowed” box. I’m moved that the creator of the document remembered us. That he or she realized that we’ve loved and lost. That our relationship and marriage mattered. That our spouses existed.
I don’t expect sympathy from the person reviewing the form. I simply want to acknowledge the existence my marriage. How after what seemed like forever, we finally decided to take the plunge and become Mr. & Mrs. How I married my soul mate surrounded by the people we loved most in the world.
I know seeing “widowed” on forms can be a crushing blow for widows as well. I get it. In the midst of our gratefulness that someone thought enough to include “widowed”, it also forces us to acknowledge our spouses’ absence. It’s a reminder of what was and what will never be again. It reminds us that our little girl won’t have her daddy to walk her down the aisle and that our son, only a baby at the time, will grow up without hearing his father’s voice as he navigates through life.
In no way do widows have a monopoly on being on an emotional roller-coaster when it comes to checking off their status on forms. One widow pointed out that people who are divorced may wish there was no divorced box. Perhaps it felt like the constant shaming of a failed marriage to them. Also, those who are truly single may feel sadness at not having made it to the altar.
My issue however, is with people who feel the need to tell widows that we don’t need to categorize ourselves as such because in essence we’re single.
A friend once casually complained about all the different statuses on the form she was completing. “Why do you even need to put you’re widowed?” she lamented. “Aren’t you technically now single? You’re either married or you’re single”.
As someone who has been fortunate enough to not have lost a spouse, she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand that it’s not a matter of being single or married.
I’m sorry if my having a “widowed” option is frowned upon by her (or anyone for that matter) because it requires reading an extra line of text. Denying my husband’s existence for your convenience isn’t an option.
A widow in the Young, Widowed & Dating group recently shared an encounter she had:
“I was told that it’s not acceptable to call yourself a “widow”. You are single now…and the past should be left alone.”
How exactly do we leave our past alone? How do you turn your back on memories of the spouse you’ve spent more than half your life loving? How do you forget the father of your children? How do you ignore the pain that threatens to consume you at times? How do you just get over it?
You don’t!
Anyone who tells you being widowed is something to just put behind you has obviously never lost a spouse. I’ve had widows who had terrible marriages, filled with abuse and infidelity, hurt just as much as someone whose fairytale marriage was interrupted by a death. Grief is complicated. It makes no sense. It’s inconsistent. It’s brutal. It’s evolving. It’s indecisive. It has no timetable.
“When my wife died, I felt like I wanted to run…just pack it all up and run…literally. But you can’t outrun it. I tried. Pretty soon, I realized it was just following me because grief wasn’t done with me. It leaves when it’s done. You have to take the time to feel it all. Don’t let it chase you. Just sit with it. Listen to it. Respect it. It’s the only way to survive it.”
It’s up to you to decide if you’ll consider yourself widowed for the rest of your life, until you get re-married or when you just can’t be bothered identifying as such. Don’t allow anyone to force you into making a choice until you’re ready. It’s your decision and yours alone.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Great article. Funny though, I actually felt just the opposite. I hated (still kind of hate) the word “widow.” The questions felt invasive to me and I wanted to scream “why is it any of your business?!” to the people having me fill out forms. To me it felt like an invasion of privacy – just one more thing I was forced to tell strangers about myself at a time when I wanted to be very private. Having read your article gives it a new perspective, but my favourite thing to do is to create my own box that reads “none of your business.” Because I don’t think my relationship status is anyone’s business. 🙂
Love it! I should try that next time. Lol
Terrific article! My sentiments exactly! Unless I remarry, I will always be a widow because it’s true, my husband/marriage did exist and I will continue to acknowledge the fact… #lifemaynotbeforeverbutloveis
Agreed!
I was married 44 1/2 years. I have been a widow for 9 months. I recently went to the dentist and their paperwork had 2 voices – married or single. I just stared at it forever. I still feel married. It isn’t my fault I’m not. We didn’t choose this. He would still be here if he could be. I AM NOT single. I marked that but it hurt. I felt like it was so wrong.
I always struggle with that too. On days I’m feeling conflicted, I write in “widowed” 🙂
Yes, I have been widowed for 11 months. Marries for 34 years. The first time I saw that I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. Which is why I googled it and found this blog! I feel married. I definitely don’t feel single. Next time I see that darned box I will write my own in, whatever I am feeling that day. What am I? I don’t really know. I will figure it out though.
I unexpectedly lost my wife of 26 yrs 1120 days ago. We had a fairy tale marriage. On forms, I do the same thing. In capital letters, I write WIDOWER…I’m not single…there was a Mrs. to my Mr. And my Mrs. Went to heaven
Exactly!
You really can just skip that question and if asked tell them it’s none of their concern.
Very true!
I lost my husband 6 years ago and always consider myself a widow. Now I’ve met someone special and he’s become a part of my life. He makes my heart happy again but I still consider myself a widow because my new relationship is fairly new to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my first love and soulmate. Is that wrong?
I think it’s completely normal – for many in the widowed community at least. Just remind yourself that you fulfilled your vows and don’t feed too much into that negative energy/guilt.
I have been widowed for 2 years, 1 month and 3 weeks today. Met my beautiful wife when I was 15, she waited for me through my wild years. Married for over 21 years. I am now 55, raising our three children with her still in our hearts and guidance from heaven. Filling out paperwork to TOD my property to my Sister who has stepped up to help raise my children and the paperwork shows me as single. I changed if before signing to widowed.
Single is a slap in the face. We built a life together, stood together through life’s ups and downs. Sacrificed together and were one. My wife was truely my better half who will forever be in my heart, will forever be in our children’s hearts. Raising a family without my wife, without the mother of my children. Half of me is missing.
I am a widow. Can not be married one day and single the next. Can not erase the fact you were married. Cannot erase History. Would be like erasing she was here at all.
WIDOWED
Thankful to have married the love of my life.
She will always be acknowledged.
Exactly! I agree
I have been widowed for 8 eight years. I have been through a myriad of feelings like the all the above have shared. It is a process for sure. At this point, I am ready to state single rather than widowed. There’s this sense of sympathy that I have overcome. Sometimes, I feel completely excluded. Anyone else feel this way?
Thank you for writing this piece. Still early days of feeling blown apart and not sure what I’ll feel in the future. Single feels empty and not representative of who I am, who I was: a loved and committed wife to a beautiful husband. We deserve to honor our relationship as long as it feels right.
Sending big hugs, Patricia. I agree – as long as it feels right.