Today, October 31, would have been my husband’s 40th birthday. I imagine he’d be asleep and, as the night owl I’ve always been, I’d be awake staring intently at the clock, waiting to rush into the hotel bedroom and sing Stevie Wonder’s rendition of the “Happy Birthday” song. We’d then spend the rest of the week in a bed and breakfast tucked away in the foothills of a Caribbean island.

Instead, I’m up sending a request to Facebook asking that his page be memorialized. I’m not sure how what I imagined and my reality got so far out of sync with each other.

Since losing my husband unexpectedly 4.5 years ago, I’ve also had to deal with these 40 things I never could have fathomed:

1. 1. Coordinating an autopsy with a medical examiner in a foreign country;
   2. Having my beloved hubby referred to as “the body” as he was transported back to the States;
   3. Handling funeral arrangements for someone who embodied the definition of living life to fullest;
   4. Deciding what songs should be played at the funeral;
   5. Determining if I wanted to reserve the plot next to his in the cemetery;
   6. Faxing copies of death certificates to banks, the government, etc.;
   7. Questioning the fairness of life;
   8. Being angry with God;
   9. Growing stronger spiritually;
   10. Not being able to eat the top-tier of wedding cake on our first anniversary;
   11. Spending holidays and special occasions without him;
   12. Being asked if I needed medication to get through the depression;
   13. Selecting widowed as my marital status on forms/documents;
   14. Boxing up husband’s clothing and belongings;
   15. Buying a new house and not having my husband to sign on the dotted line as the co-borrower;
   16. Lying to servicemen about hubby who “hadn’t gotten home from work yet” to not be taken advantage of/ripped off;
   17. Deciding what to do with wedding dress still hanging in the closet;
   18. Contemplating happiness and if I’ll ever truly be happy again;
   19. Choosing to become an only parent;
   20. Thinking about dating after spending nearly a decade with hubby.
   21. Talking to my mother-in-law about being open to love from a man who isn’t her son.
   22. Exploring online dating;
   23. Rediscovering the rules of dating – they’ve obviously changed;
   24. Being questioned for waiting so long to “move on.”
   25. Comparing every man to my late-husband;
   26. Using the phrase “late-husband”;
   27. Hearing others talk about him in the past tense;
   28. Going on a first date after 4 years;
   29. Feeling guilty for having enjoyed a date;
   30. Kissing someone while wearing my wedding ring and freaking out afterwards;
   31. Wondering when to stop wearing my wedding rings;
   32. Figuring out what to do with his wedding ring;
   33. Sharing my widowed story and being asked to be a blogger for The Huffington Post;
   34. Starting an online widowed support group;
   35. Missing my husband all while enjoying the butterflies that come with getting to know someone new;
   36. Explaining to others that my grief is part of who I now I am. I will always love my husband;
   37. Experiencing all the short and long-term quirks that come along with trauma and stress – my memory is shot to hell;
   38. Accepting that I am still here and no matter how much it sucks, I have to keep moving forward;
   39. Living life on my own terms, knowing now than ever before the fragility of life;
   40. Realizing that I’m at happy place though a piece of my heart is forever missing.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.