When one thinks of a weekend rendezvous, coded text messages, late-night get-togethers and dining at restaurants across town, an illicit affair may come to mind. Unfortunately for many in the widowed community, this has become their reality.

Wanting to avoid judgement, accusatory comments and/or looks of disappointment, young widows and widowers across the country are going incognito with their post-loss relationships.

Nearly three years after her husband’s passing, Lily was approached by a gentleman she’d known previously. The two began meeting up secretly, away from prying eyes.

“It was a mutual decision to keep it a secret,” she explained. “I’m not ready for my children or anyone else to know, and at the moment this is what we both ‘need’. Neither of us are ready for a full-on relationship so a casual one suits us both.”

Lila said she’s trusted only a couple of close friends with her secret.

Tiffany, a fellow member of the Young, Widowed & Dating support group, understands Lila’s hesitation to share her newfound happiness with others.

She began dating her coworker one month after her husband died of a massive heart attack. The pair had known each other platonically for nearly a decade.

“At first, I wasn’t sure if it was for real and I was afraid people would think I didn’t grieve my husband at all,” she said. “But in reality, my new guy helped me grieve by asking me questions about my husband, taking me to the cemetery, helping me get things settled and letting me cry.”

The couple’s need for secrecy was twofold. She was also his supervisor and they could have been terminated for violating their company’s non-fraternizing policy.

Despite the extra precautions—avoiding each other while at work and not appearing in photographs together—their relationship ultimately became public. Tiffany said the gossip started almost immediately with people saying they were probably having an affair prior to her husband’s death. They are still happily dating and she’s even introduced him to her in-laws.

“We are now free to post photos and be seen in public,” she said. “The haters were very few and are not in our circle of friends any longer. More people have been supportive than negative.”

Charli, widowed for 11 months, was also friends with her new guy prior to her husband’s death. She kept her relationship private because she felt others would think she hadn’t grieved long enough.

“Not everyone knew the issues my husband and I were having so they don’t understand my moving on,” she admits. “My close friends and his friends know about us. These are people who genuinely want to see me happy.”

The couple avoids posting details of their love life on social media and she shared that her greatest fear is being harassed and bothered by her late-husband’s family should their relationship become public.

Dreading the comments of others isn’t the only reason some widows choose to keep their dating life behind closed doors. Others’ expectations for a new beau to fill a deceased partner’s shoes are just as troubling.

Missy started dating someone nine months after her husband passed away. Because her husband knew so many people as a result of his career and personal hobbies, she felt her new relationship would be scrutinized by his peers.

“Everyone loved my husband. My new person would never be able to compete…and he shouldn’t have to. It’s not fair to me or him to have everyone compare,” she said. “A part of me hates having to hide our relationship. There are days I’m so happy that I just want to shout it to the world. But then fear of comparison creeps up and I don’t.  It seems like a conundrum I need to figure out.”

In the age of social media, it can take widows quite a bit of ducking and hiding to avoid having a photo of them and their boyfriends inadvertently added to a friend’s page. It can also be challenging when the hidden partner wants to make a relationship “Facebook official”.

Addison met her current boyfriend after being widowed 10 months. They started out as friends but he made his feelings for her known after only a few months.

“My boyfriend was not a fan of the secrecy, but he understood why I wanted it that way and respected my wishes. He waited very patiently until I became more comfortable with the relationship and slowly began revealing him to more people,” she said. “I did get some negative reactions, mostly from people who were worried about me. They were much harder on him than they would have been if I hadn’t been through what I’d been through.”

When he wanted to announce their relationship on Facebook, Addison confessed that she created an entirely new page and limited it to the people she trusted most.

“I’d actually almost completely stopped using Facebook after my partner died,” she explained. “When things got more serious with my boyfriend, I didn’t want him connected to my old account because I was Facebook friends with people who would likely have judgement about my moving on.”

It’s hard being widowed. Unless you’ve experienced the loss of the partner, you’re in capable of understanding the myriad of emotions we often face. Instead of judgement, offer kind words of support. It’s not easy opening our fragile hearts to love again. Our grief, sadness and loneliness are more than enough for us to tackle. We certainly don’t need anyone’s judgement when we do decide to restart our hearts.

* All names changed to protect member’s privacy

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.