I’m not sure what it is about widowed people dating that makes those around us feel it’s open season to judge and offer their two-cents about our lives and marriages. This is even more upsetting when it comes from members of the widowed community.
While I respect your decision not to date, it is not correlated with how much you love your wife/husband. Your choosing not to date post-loss is simply that, a choice. By implying the decision not to date is somehow synonymous with the depth and breadth of love, means everyone who loves post-loss is dishonoring the life they created with a late partner.
You honor a spouse by how you embrace life after he or she is gone.
You honor a spouse by being the best version of yourself.
You honor a spouse by moving towards light after having so much darkness invade your life.
You honor a spouse by living.
And for some, living involves dating.
The next time you want to stand on your soapbox and belittle a widow(er) who is dating, consider the resolve and bravery it must take to open your heart to love again, even as the very people who know first-hand the magnitude of your loss, judge you.
The widow who falls in love with a former classmate six months after losing a spouse…
The widower who creates a dating profile nine months post-loss…
The widow who gets engaged within a year of the death…
The widower who marries the widow in his support group two years after losing his wife…
All had great love stories that ended much too soon. All still love their late spouses. All are honoring their former marriages. All deserve the right to love again…without judgment.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
I came across this blog while looking for ways to help my daughter and 4 granddaughters make their way through their grief. My daughter moved her new love into her house less than 5 months after losing her husband and the girls are so confused. They range in age from 5-12. How can my husband and I help them all?
I think it’s important to be a safe place to land for the children. You mentioned they are confused – allow them to openly and honestly share their feelings without fear. You could also suggest grief therapy for the children to unpack some of the grief. There are also wonderful grief camps and resources for children. Be sure to spend as much time as you can with them while they process the loss of their father. They need to know you and your husband are a constant in their life. Please try not judge your daughter or condemn her dating. There is no timetable for grief. Unless there are glaring red flags, I’d focus more on the grandkids then getting involved in your daughter’s relationship. I wish you all the best. Thanks for advocating for your grandchildren.