Though most may not openly admit it, I’m sure the thought of suicide has crossed many minds – even if ever so briefly – to escape the sadness or numb the pain of being in a world without our partners.
I know what it’s like to have your world split into the before and after: who you were as a couple and who you’ve become post-loss. For so long, many of our identities were tied to that of our spouses. And to be left here, sometimes with no warning or preparation of having to go it alone, can bring even the most resilient among us to our knees.
The loss of a spouse extends to more than just the physical death. Each and every day, we live with secondary losses. It’s dealing with grieving children, the loss of our identity, the implosion of friendships, the constant brain fog, the struggle to learn independence, the ruining of in-law relationships, coming to terms with reality vs. what we imagined our future would look like, and grappling with our faith, spirituality or religion.
There’s nothing easy or straightforward about dealing with the aftermath of losing a husband or wife. We get through the early months and even subsequent years with bated breath, hoping the bottom doesn’t fall out or that a misstep, additional loss, or bad decision doesn’t take us right back to Day 1.
So when you ultimately get to that place, a path of healing that brings happiness, never apologize or dim your light to not blind others.
Look back at all you’ve been through to have those tears of sadness replaced by laughter. If you’re like me, you don’t have to go back too far to recall night after night after night when your shower was your only refuge; the place where you could drown out your sobs as your children slept in the next room. There was guilt you’ve had to make peace with and anger you’ve had to resolve.
You fought like hell to get out of the darkest part of your grief. Whether through therapy, medication, support groups, grief workshops, life coaching, or sheer determination, you’ve done the work needed for the magnitude of your loss not to feel quite as overwhelming. You held onto the small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel and kept moving towards it daily, sometimes giant leaps, other times baby steps, and some days even going backward.
Regardless of the path you took to find your joy, please don’t ever apologize or hide it. When they tell you it dishonors your spouse, live bolder. When they talk about you, shine brighter. They only know the view of widowhood from a distance. They’ve not walked a single mile in your shoes.
And, even those who have lived it may see your happiness as gloating or bragging. Please know that’s not your cross to bear. Nothing about this widowed life is a cakewalk. You deserve to radiate joy, beauty, positivity, peace, fulfillment, calmness, God’s grace, etc. and share if publicly if you wish.
Post that vacation picture.
Show off that body you’ve earned through exercise and hard work – heck, even surgery for that matter.
Share that college acceptance letter.
Put up those photos from your widow meet up.
Tag yourself in grad school photos.
Announce your baby bump and maternity pics.
Request those “page likes” for your new business.
Make your relationship Facebook “official.”
As my pastor often says, “We tend to see someone’s cup and not its contents.” No one truly knows how much bitterness you’ve endured getting to your sweetness. They can’t fathom how dark it got before the dawn. They don’t understand how you barely survived before you were able to thrive. You do know though. That’s why you owe it to yourself to be unapologetically happy.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
Perfection once again.
Thanks so much, Beverly!
You don’t know how bad I needed to hear these words. For the first time in 5 months I truly feel like someone gets what I’m going through. My husband battled a long illness that left me grieving the loss of him before he left this world. Now that he is gone I miss him dearly. I long for the companionship of another that friendships are not able to replace. I will forever be grateful for the amazing 23 years with the man I was blessed to call my husband, the father of my children and my best friend but what I wouldn’t give to have a nice meal or a cup of coffee with someone that doesn’t have a husband waiting at home for them. I need to feel like myself again and I am scared that those around me will think that I’m moving to fast or that I don’t deserve to smile or laugh quite yet. I keep trying to put a number on when this world seems it fitting that I’ve spent longing for the one I loss and permission to find my happiness again.
This truly sums up my feelings and what I have been going through for over three years. I felt that I had to hide my new relationship and that I was dishonoring my late husband. I have realized, I can’t worry about what people say.
Amen! Great realization
This is amazing. Thank you.
Thank you reading all of these letters is so helpful 💕😞thank you
This made me cry once again…but you said it so perfectly. Thank you!
What a beautiful article. Thank you so much!!!
Thanks so much, Jolene.
You most definitely have a gift with words.
Thank you for all your insight and affirmations.
Your words confirm that I am not alone in my grief journey. Thank you for bringing so much light to the difficult calling of widowhood.
Thank you for the kind words, Suzanne. Glad my words helped you feel less alone.
Thank you. A refreshing read from someone who seems to have “been there , done that”. Just over three years here; the pain has softened, then spikes again but less often. So great to laugh again and hoped for a beautiful future as healing rain continues to wash over me. Thank you for this writing. So true.
I’m going through this just now, I have met someone that I feel happy with but feel as though I am disrespecting my spouse.But also feel that life has guided me towards this path and possibly my spouse has guided me to a future happiness. To find someone that cares for you and shows genuine love has to be respected and held onto with both hands! Our lives are short and this we know through the passing of our soul mates but we must continue living and loving…… I suppose the hardest road to release is telling your spouses family that you are in a relationship which is the next phase of my journey and one I don’t look forward to for fear of a negative response. But this has given me hope and inspiration to move forward and to be brave enough to realise I must take the next step and move towards being open about my new found happiness and hope for understanding, but either way I must as to not do so would be like hiding the person who has opened there heart to me and welcomed me to again, live and love, and to find meaning to my life again.
This is so on point!!! I lost my husband of 34 years and waited over 2 years to date again . ( I’m in my 50’s) . I dated a little over a year and then remarried.. Ivan so happy to have my “person” . I have people in my life who were thrilled for me and others who were skeptical… I’ve chosen to allow their skepticism as long as they keep it to themselves.. I do t want to hear it !!! Just be happy I’m happy!!!
Amen! As long as you’re happy is all that matters.
This is so on point!!! I lost my husband of 34 years and waited over 2 years to date again . ( I’m in my 50’s) . I dated a little over a year and then remarried.. Ivan so happy to have my “person” . I have people in my life who were thrilled for me and others who were skeptical… I’ve chosen to allow their skepticism as long as they keep it to themselves.. I do t want to hear it !!! Just be happy I’m happy!!!
Congrats on the remarriage, Fara. You’re so right; they should keep it to themselves!