I was reading an article over on MadameNoire entitled “Life Will Humble You: 10 Things You Shouldn’t Speak On If You Haven’t Experienced Them.” While it was a pretty good list, I was a bit disappointed the loss of a spouse wasn’t on the list. It seems widowhood goes hand-in-hand with unsolicited feedback, with everyone feeling the need to add their two-cents.
I was inspired to create my own list of 10 Things You Should Never Speak On – Widowed Edition:
1. Insurance Money
Unless you’re our financial planner, you don’t have the right to ask if our late spouse had a life insurance policy. If there was one, the amount, what we plan to do with the money, how we choose to spend it…none of your business. And, while you’re at it, stop trying to guilt-trip us into giving you a lump sum. If our spouses wanted you to have a portion of the proceeds, it would have been spelled out, or you would have been listed as a beneficiary!
2. His or Her Soul
As my pastor likes to say, “I don’t have a heaven or hell to put you in.” And, neither do you! Stop damning the souls of our spouses to hell if they completed suicide. You aren’t God. You do not have the authority to determine where they spend eternity, and to be honest, if you’re okay telling a widowed person his or her spouse’s soul is in hell, you might want to check your own salvation!
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3. Children
If we aren’t abusive or neglectful, please allow us to parent independently. We don’t need you to second-guess our parenting or bad-mouth us to our children. So what if we’re “babying them” or being a little too lenient at times. Our babies are grieving. They’ve learned the heartaches of life much too soon. Allow us to preserve what’s left of their childhood for as long as we can.
4. Our Changes
You lose the remote and your whole attitude changes. Imagine losing your soul mate, lover, co-parent, financial provider, spiritual leader, head of household, confidant, best friend, accountability partner, confidence-booster, fixer, encourager, “make-this-life-worthwhile” person…all on the same day! How much would you change? It wasn’t that I changed a lot; a lot changed me.
5. The Grief Timetable
I get you lost your pet turtle in 1990, but that hardly makes you an authority on grief. No two widowed paths are the same. You cannot tell a widowed person they’ve grieved long enough. How do you forget there is a gaping hole in your heart? There is no getting over the loss of a spouse. It changes you forever.
6. At Leasts…
Can we put to bed any phrase that begins with “at least…”? We know it was probably well-intentioned, but those statements typically never end well. They certainly aren’t as comforting as you may think. The loss of a spouse doesn’t come with little rays of sunshine delivered in neat little “at least…” packages. There is no bright spot to death.
6A. “At least your spouse is dead. I’m divorced.” – I cannot be responsible for any brawls that may result from saying this to a widowed person. DO. NOT. GO. THERE. EVER.
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7. Our Tribe
You think we’re spending too much time with “those widowed people” who are prolonging our grief. What you fail to realize is “those widowed people” are our lifeline. They are resilient, tough-as-nails, and serve as proof there can be happiness, laughter, joy, hope, and even love after the death of a spouse. Those relationships aren’t optional. They are a necessity.
8. Dating Post-Loss
As someone once said, it’s only too soon to date if you plan to take a new partner to your spouse’s funeral. Please understand there is no wrong or right time to reopen our hearts. It takes giant balls to love after a loss. Offer support, not judgment.
9. Loving Another
Nothing a widowed person does or does not do will ever take away from the love he or she has for a spouse who has died. Choosing to fall in love doesn’t mean a deceased spouse is treasured any less. Getting remarried does not erase the memories. Having a child doesn’t mean we’ve let go of our past. We can love them both simultaneously – with neither person requiring more or less of our heart.
10. The Rebuilding
It’s unfortunate it takes losing a spouse to truly understand what it’s like to be widowed. And, we wouldn’t wish this path on our worst enemy. We can only hope you’ll take some time to educate yourself about the many challenges we face as we rebuild our lives post-loss. This journey isn’t for the faint of heart. There is no perfect way to be widowed; we’ll make some missteps. Though our grief might not look the way you’d like it to, please remember the expression, “until it happens to you…”
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
YES!! Geez, this is amazing. Well said, and I’m not even at the dating part yet! I so appreciate…
Thanks!
Thank you so much for posting this! They are so very true. I have been a widow for 17 years now and I have learned that if you haven’t been through being widowed young people have absolutely no idea what it is like or what to say! I remember having to fill out some paperwork after my husband died they had a question that I had to answer that said married divorced or single. I completely freaked out and made my own box with widowed.
Me too! Lol
I made my own widowed box also.
Interesting
I find it especially hard when someone finds out and asks “Do you have children?” Then follow that up with “At least you didn’t have kids” I want to respond “You’re right I lost my chance when he passed away, such great luck”
“At least” statements never end well. I wish people would just stop!
Great post!
I lost my wife about 4 years ago and recently ( last weekend at a party) ended up crying to a new group of friends about the loss in a very unexpected way.
My roommate, after returning home from the party, chastised my emotions in a way that showed me the level of empathy he has known. He immeasurably suggested my actions were that of someone who needed deep counseling and course correction.
It never really seems to end, the attempts of others to hide the pain I feel, when I feel it.
Life I full of these types of people. It isn’t until a moment like this happens that you see what surrounds you the most.
Great post!
I lost my wife about 4 years ago and recently ( last weekend at a party) ended up crying to a new group of friends about the loss in a very unexpected way.
My roommate, after returning home from the party, chastised my emotions in a way that showed me the level of empathy he has known. He immeasurably suggested my actions were that of someone who needed deep counseling and course correction.
It never really seems to end, the attempts of others to hide the pain I feel, when I feel it.
Life I full of these types of people. It isn’t until a moment like this happens that you see what surrounds you the most.
On one hand we wish non-widowed people would understand our challenges but then you wouldn’t wish widowhood on anyone. I’m sorry your roomie made you feel this way. Big hugs
Yes! I’m so sick of people comparing my partners passing to their break up. It is not the same at all. Like on one hand I appreciate that they’re trying to empathize but on the other hand it’s like you plain and simple do not understand. I just started trying to date and all I hear is “you need to wait to heal/get through this first” I desperately miss being held and the companionship and the house is just so unbearably quiet, is it really so bad to want someone to help with that?
While I definitely think we should date from a healthy place, I don’t think you ever truly “heal” so waiting to “heal” might mean never loving again 🙁
Omg its 15 months since my husband died. I’ve honestly had loads of these comments…just a few examples –
Oh I know I remember when my dog died its so strange without them aye?
And
At least he died from cancer not suddenly
And
I know my husband and I are divorced it’s sort of the same
And
You’ll get over it!
Runs off me like water on a duck now!
Thanks 😀. Love this Facebook page
Glad you aren’t letting these ridiculous comments bother you. People never cease to amaze me!