1. Referring to a late-spouse as an ex – Dead isn’t synonymous with an ex-partner. The terms are not interchangeable. Read it again. Not the same. EVER.

2. Comparing the loss of your (insert everything from second cousin once removed to pet worm) to the death of a spouse – Widowhood sucks. You can acknowledge this without launching into how you know exactly how we feel. Trust us, you don’t (and we don’t want you to).

3. Judging her for “changing” – Lose your spouse and report back on all the things in your life that stayed the same. We’ll give you the answer: Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero.

4. Assuming she’s always free to babysit – Everyone knows widows sit around all day, right?

5. Failing to extend an invitation to a family/friend gathering because she’s “too sad.” – Show us how to only be a “little” sad when our kids cry at night for their father. Teach me how to only be a “little” sad when the loneliness creeps in. Demonstrate how we should only be a “little” sad when the grief wave rolls in. Please, enlighten us.

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6. Extending a plus-one invitation to everyone but her – God forbid she knows someone beyond her dead husband!

7. Being upset that she’s started dating – So…if you lost your spouse, you’d never date again. Gotcha. People with partners who are alive and well should never tell those who are widowed when the time is right for love, companionship, romance, or anything else for that matter!

8. Assuming she’s “stuck” because she doesn’t want to date – Please know that “moving forward” isn’t just about dating. We can move forward in millions of ways and none of them may include a new partner.

9. Fearing her widowhood is contagious – When someone dies, especially a young person, it reminds you of the fragility of life. But facing that reality is no reason to shun a friend, neighbor, or coworker. You can’t “catch” widowhood.

10. Reminding her of how long she’s been widowed (i.e. It’s been five years, you need to get over it) – We can give you the exact moment in time our world flipped upside down. The date is embedded in our heart, mind, and soul. Everything for us is divided into the before and after. We know how long it’s been. We never forget.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.

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