1. Referring to a late-spouse as an ex – Dead isn’t synonymous with an ex-partner. The terms are not interchangeable. Read it again. Not the same. EVER.
2. Comparing the loss of your (insert everything from second cousin once removed to pet worm) to the death of a spouse – Widowhood sucks. You can acknowledge this without launching into how you know exactly how we feel. Trust us, you don’t (and we don’t want you to).
3. Judging her for “changing” – Lose your spouse and report back on all the things in your life that stayed the same. We’ll give you the answer: Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero.
4. Assuming she’s always free to babysit – Everyone knows widows sit around all day, right?
5. Failing to extend an invitation to a family/friend gathering because she’s “too sad.” – Show us how to only be a “little” sad when our kids cry at night for their father. Teach me how to only be a “little” sad when the loneliness creeps in. Demonstrate how we should only be a “little” sad when the grief wave rolls in. Please, enlighten us.
ADVERTISEMENT
6. Extending a plus-one invitation to everyone but her – God forbid she knows someone beyond her dead husband!
7. Being upset that she’s started dating – So…if you lost your spouse, you’d never date again. Gotcha. People with partners who are alive and well should never tell those who are widowed when the time is right for love, companionship, romance, or anything else for that matter!
8. Assuming she’s “stuck” because she doesn’t want to date – Please know that “moving forward” isn’t just about dating. We can move forward in millions of ways and none of them may include a new partner.
9. Fearing her widowhood is contagious – When someone dies, especially a young person, it reminds you of the fragility of life. But facing that reality is no reason to shun a friend, neighbor, or coworker. You can’t “catch” widowhood.
10. Reminding her of how long she’s been widowed (i.e. It’s been five years, you need to get over it) – We can give you the exact moment in time our world flipped upside down. The date is embedded in our heart, mind, and soul. Everything for us is divided into the before and after. We know how long it’s been. We never forget.
Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.
I’d not be considered a young widdow now. That was 7 years ago and I was only 47 years old.
I was the only young widow in my family and had no one to turn to for advice. Oh I have the books, I have the one high school and one collage friend who have stood beside me. The collage friend stood beside me the entire time David was in surgery and chemo and radiation. He’s really my one and only true friend who has stuck with me. He’s also my husband’s oldest friend.
I get so tired of people telling me to move on. Due to their illness, my parents moved into my house. I’m only a widow of 7 years (that sounds like a lifetime). I only had 6 months to deal with my husband of 24 years, 7 months death
Then came the the move of the parents. I hadn’t had time to go through my stuff, David’s stuff and our combined stuff of 31 years. I don’t know anyone who could.
The there is the complication of who in their right mind, would want to date someone, whose parents live with her and have a 11pm curfew for her at 54.
My life is so complicate and upside side down.
I’m not looking for advice, I’m just venting. Yesterday was my 7th Valentine’s Day without him it was the last holiday we had and he was too sick to even get me a card. I detest Valentines Day now these 7 years later.
I try to do something just for me like a mani/pedi or take my self to dinner. That’s hard to see the young couples especially seeing couples that would be mine and David’s age and even older cause I’ll never have that unless some miracle from out of the blue drops in my lap. My cousin started to get me out there by going to restaurants that have bars with the food. That was a complete disaster. So where on earth do I even go from here. They have been here for over 7 years and i was not planning on running a nursing home. If it were I’d have other help with my parents. I need help. But my parents will not let me get outside help. They’ve turned my house into a hoarder’s paradise. I cold have the TV program in and have a field day.
Your plate is certainly full. I’m so sorry. Hugs and strength.
Sorry for all your going through, I lost my husband 6 and a half years ago. Our lives will never be the same again, I have no interest in dating and really I’m not going to look for anyone. I feel for you having to take your parents into your home, taking over your home! I would work finding a suitable place for them. You do NOT have to go their caretaker. I hope you can get the strength to take your life back. Hugs to you 🤗
Hi Samantha,
People are crazy. Well at least clueless at best.
I seldom read comments from anyone but yours struck me as a heartfelt plea for understanding.
My wife died 5 years ago and my 18 and 22 year old daughters are trying to find solid ground but struggling.
The advice from my friends comes like people living in a fairytale.
You sound like a smart sensible person surrounded by people who have no clue.
I do have a clue and want to encourage you to surround yourself with people who care about you. David would want that for you even if that means you make new friends.
Get help for your parents. Unfortunately you could pass before them. Try and get them out of your house. Can you move?? I have been there and have had to do this. God bless
You have to tell them you need space Hard as it will be. Help them find somewhere else as they will not My parents came across country when my husband was dying. Then they stayed. Just until his birthday a few weeks later. I wanted to scream. Then my stepdad got super bad virus and I ended up taking him to same emergency room three times. Two weeks later he was better but too weak to drive back. My sisters god love them flew to me and drove turn home. I love them but I needed to be alone and I felt I couldn’t grieve like I wanted. It’s important. Please tell them it’s time. Please.
It’s ok to set boundaries even with parents. We teach people how to treat us. You are certainly entitled to move forward with your life and live it to the fullest. If you need help with your parents go for it. Don’t ask permission! Life is too short and you are their adult child. Your home you call the shots. I wish you well!
People just don’t get it. I’ve stopped explaining because they still don’t get it. I am moving forward but not right now moving on. My husband passed away 18 months ago and it’s still so hard this life without him. I have my children and grandchildren that brings me some hope of smiles but they are suffering too. They miss their pop and daddy!! The only thing I can do now is celebrate him every day I say his name even though it might make other people feel uncomfortable but he was my husband of 41 years I can’t just forget him and not utter his name ever again because it makes people uncomfortable! I’m not a young widow but I am a widow nonetheless. Death is death at any age. I miss my time with him our wonderful laughs and charming nights sitting by the fire having a cup of tea holding hands and watching the Hallmark Channel. Going to church every Sunday at 10:00 Mass going to breakfast and food shopping I miss that most of all. We’d hold hands and discuss food for the week he was a fabulous cook. Oh well time heals all wounds they say I’m not healed yet but I’m working on it. I see my grandchildren every week and we talk about pop and my girls are still grieving their wonderful dad. I’m good right now I go to a Bereavement group and a therapist to help me cope…but the triggers are still there the come up out of the blue and hit me with a wallop. So now I don’t cry all day every day anymore but I still cry. This is a journey we all will take and each road is different. I’m praying for all of us. ❤️🙏😢💔
Could you get help for you – your laundry, your cleaning, house maintenance, then at least you will have more time for caring for them. Get someone to pretend to be a fire offucer & tell them the hoarding is a fire risk – dont let them expand hoarding into your space, if necessary throw things away ( tough love) Remember it is your house, your rules although they are your parents they need to be reminded of this & stay out overnight occaisionally
Excellent article. I would add this: After my husband’s suicide, I lost my house, my health insurance, my social standing in the community, and my income went from six digits a year to zero. (He was a lawyer but he left me with no income.)
EVERYTHING changed. So you’re not just dealing with the loss of a spouse but the loss of every stabilizing influence you’ve ever known.
Yes, so many secondary loses!
This is a significant piece that a lot of people don’t realize. I am 24. I lost my husband 6 months ago, a few days before his 36th birthday. He was a tenure track professor and provided all the household income, insurance, etc while I was in grad school. I spent the last year and a half being his caretaker. He couldn’t work anymore. We were not at all prepared for the material hardship severe illness and death brought. Our savings were dismal as we had tried to keep our student loans paid down and to not take out more. I wouldn’t change much. It was very hard taking care of him but I couldn’t have it any other way. We received virtually no governments assistance as we struggled to get him the supplies he needed and I struggled to be a full time care taker and student. The only income we had access to was that made available to be as a student. In the US heath care is so costly and when you’re too sick to work and are forced to take a leave of absence you often lose your heath insurance. We did. We didn’t qualify for government insurance either as we had recently had a 6 figure income. Other insurance options were prohibitively expensive given his condition and mine (I have a chronic illness that requires a lot of medical care) Disability takes a minimum of 6 months to petition for and the average application has to be resubmitted twice before approval. We had virtually no material support for almost a year. His medical bills were in the hundreds of thousands. I took out student loans to cover our rent and basic needs. I was sick and caring for my sick husband. It was an emotionally grueling experience worsened by circumstance. It’s dreadful to talk about money and insurance when you have lost your spouse- but those factors make an invariably devastating situation that much more life shattering. Too often the basic necessities of a life are in jeopardy and lost in the midst of widowhood.
Omg. It sounds like my life. 9 months out and still sorting out all the mess he left behind. So so hard with the children they are in private school too. I just don’t know what to do for the best 🥲 x
I can’t help but comment on the never refer to a late spouse as an ex. I am dating someone who referred to my late husband as an x and when I told him it’s not correct he became unglued. Also I wonder how many of you accidentally compared someone you are dating to your late husband. It happened to me several times and each time it was an argument of how wrong I was. I lost my husband 8 years ago and have been seeing the same person but finding that there is a list of respect.
In my opinion, both should not be done: no referring my late hubby as my ex and no comparing my new guy to my old guy.
I have compared my new husband with my first husband. I felt awful but he didn’t mind and said it happens and is ok. If your new guy is “coming unglued” you should think about maybe finding someone new. Men like that are scary and I’d beware.