Encourage Us to Take a Chance

When you lose a spouse, your fears, insecurities, and anxieties are often magnified. Widowhood can become a constant state of worry—everything from raising well-adjusted children to finances. Even if things are progressing as well as can be, we cautiously move through life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When a widowed person works up enough strength and courage to step outside his or her “safe zone,” please offer support. The decision to move, go back to school, adopt a child, travel, date, etc., wasn’t taken lightly. We’ve weighed the pros and cons. We’ve questioned ourselves over and over. We’ve fought through the what-ifs and got to the why-nots?

Be our cheerleader. Salute our sense of adventure. Applaud our determination. Encourage us to live beyond our grief.

So often, members of our widowed tribe are the only ones telling us to go for it—whatever dream we’re about to embark upon. Consider rooting for us too. Instead of a lecture about what could go wrong, assure us you’ll be there – always.

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Allow Us to Set the Pace

Widowhood has been described as the explosion of a massive ball of soot. There isn’t an aspect of your life it doesn’t touch. Even after you clean up the residue visible to the naked eye, it’s still there, having permeated every fiber of your being.

There is no doubt that widowhood changes you. But, unless there is a mental breakdown, it doesn’t cause us to revert to childhood, incapable of making basic decisions. Often, families and friends who are concerned about our grief feel the need to make decisions for us and not with us.

In the rawest stages of our grief, we admittedly might not know exactly what is best for us. But, as that fog begins to lift, allow us to determine what we need, if anything. While your widowed church-sister may have welcomed the daily visits, others may prefer to spend time alone. Please don’t be offended or assume what’s best for us. Grief isn’t a mu-mu; it’s not one size fits all.

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Support Our Decision to Date (Yes, We May Need You to Play Cupid)

Although “till death do us part” is included in many wedding vows, we often don’t focus on how quickly that may come for some. You assume you’ll be fortunate enough to live well into your golden years and fade away into a deep sleep within hours of each other.

You’re never truly prepared for the reality of one of you being left to deal with the “parting.” What happens now? How do you move forward? Do you swear off the possibility of loving someone else?

Whether a widowed person dates two months or two years after losing a spouse, there may be tremendous guilt. Yes, we know we fulfilled our vows, but there’s still inner turmoil in wanting even to explore the possibility of inviting someone new into our lives. It truly takes courage to push past these feelings and open one’s heart to love again.

That’s why it is so important for those in our circle to support our decision to date. We already judge ourselves. We beat ourselves up enough. Please don’t add to our already heavy load. In fact, we invite you to play Cupid!

As one widow pointed out, “It’s so weird that I have over 500 Facebook friends and no one knew anyone they thought would be compatible with me.”

It’s not a betrayal to our late spouse to introduce us to someone you feel would be a great match. We simply ask that you reach out to us before shooting the arrow.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.