There have been many articles written about dating someone who has lost a spouse. You’ll hear about our heart expanding to let more love in, and how we’ve learned a deeper appreciation for love and life. Those are all facts.

But, there are also a few additional factors that may come into play. Things your family and/or friends may encourage you to walk away from. However, I hope you’ll take the time to see the widow you’re interested in dating as more than her loss. We’re so much more than our marital status.

Here are a few tips for dating a widow:

Children
If she’s widowed with minor children, she may tend to be overly protective of her babies who are mourning. She may move at a pace that seems much slower than the people you’ve dated in the past. Her children are grieving the loss of their other parent; therefore, a widow will move mountains to be sure they don’t experience the heartbreak of another loss – even if it’s just the end of a relationship. Be open and honest in terms of your plan for a future together. If you’re not looking to invest in the relationship, please don’t disturb the widow’s heart.

Independence
More than likely, she’s had to go it alone for some time. Her sounding board died, and the friend(s) she counted on for advice may have found her grief too much to shoulder and ended the relationship. She’s all she has. She’s learned to trust her gut and make difficult decisions on her own. Please extend her a bit of grace if she doesn’t include you in her decisions, even as the relationship becomes serious. She’s earned a few battle scars in getting to a place of being confident in her choices. It could take a bit of time for her to welcome your feedback and unsolicited advice. It will take establishing trust and showing her that you have her back. Once she lets her guard down, I beg of you to not break your promises.

ADVERTISEMENT

The “Ghost”
Our lives are a combination of the people we’ve met and our experiences. The very person you stand before – the one you want to date… love…have a future with – is who she is because of the person who came before you. To ask that she not grieve or love her late-spouse is unconscionable. He isn’t a threat to your relationship. It’s not a competition for her heart. Please understand that she’ll probably grieve forever. You may have to hold her as she comforts her son as he cries about missing his dad. You may have to love her through a “grief wave.” It comes with dating a widow. We can love those we lost without taking anything away from the love for those we have. The reality is our late-partners may not even be a good match for the person we’ve become post-loss. The woman she is at this very moment chooses you!

Her Tribe
Widowhood is isolating. Even with family and friends in your corner, it’s a lonely experience. Hopefully, the person you’re dating has been fortunate enough to find a place of support within the widowed community – her tribe. Her fellow widows and widowers have been her rock during some of her darkest moments. As much as you want to be the only person she turns to when the magnitude of her loss crashes down, please allow her the time she needs with her tribe. Don’t take it personally if she just needs to vent to people who “get it.” Being with her “wids” doesn’t mean she’s stuck in the past or that she doesn’t love you. It’s actually quite healing to be with others. They’ll serve as a reminder there can be happiness even while grieving. You may also find those in her tribe become your biggest cheerleaders and supporters of your budding love story.

ADVERTISEMENT

The In-laws
Some in-law relationships end even before the funeral. For others, a spouse’s death brings everyone closer. Her in-laws may consider her family, even after the loss of their son, brother, etc. If the widow you’re dating is blessed enough to still be included in her in-laws’ lives, I hope you’ll reconsider any negative feelings you may have. There can never be too many people in your life who love and support you. Plus, if she has children, it’s especially important to preserve those bonds. If her in-laws truly love her, they’ll support and even encourage her decision to move forward. And for many widows, that includes dating. They don’t see you as a threat to their son. They just want their daughter-in-law to be happy. Her love for her in-laws takes nothing away from the amazing relationship that is possible with your parents.

Social Media
Despite all the negativity that’s often associated with social media, it’s been cathartic for many in the widowed community. It’s been a place to connect with others and share our struggles and triumphs. Some in the widowed community opt not to include anything about their loss on social media (that’s perfectly okay). Others choose to acknowledge anniversaries, birthday, and other significant milestones while others share lots of family photos and articles related to loss. Please know that the latter group isn’t “stuck” or refusing to move forward. I understand it may at times feel unsettling to see someone you’re dating post about the pain of losing a spouse. Grief isn’t something that ends. We might have had the most wonderful time with you on Monday, but a song or a movie triggered our grief on Tuesday. Grief is tricky like that. It has no respect for how happy we may be. It shows up unannounced and demands to be acknowledged. Please don’t use our social media account as a measurement of our grief or our ability to date post-loss.

This article only begins to scratch the surface of dating a widow. Yes, our love may be a bit more complicated at times, but we bring so much more to a relationship besides our grief. Being widowed and having had a beautiful love story – or, a not so beautiful one – doesn’t take away our ability to begin a new story – filled with love, wisdom, gratitude, appreciation and endless possibilities.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “Letters to the Widowed Community” and “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life.” Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She’s also the host of the Young, Widowed & Dating podcast.

Share This