How do you know when you’re ready to start dating?

In short, you never really know! One day you may think you’re ready and the next day you’re repulsed that someone even glanced in your direction.

Personally, it took me almost 4 years to be ready to date. And, even then, I really wasn’t ready. I spent so much of my time on the dating sites looking for my husband 2.0. Every man was held up to the measuring stick that was my husband: this person wasn’t tall enough; this person’s hair isn’t like my husband’s; he isn’t this; he isn’t that; etc.

At some point, I realized my inability to connect with anyone wasn’t about the people on the dating site. It was because I was looking for the impossible. I wanted my husband back. I wanted back what we had. I wanted all that I thought we’d have together. I wanted our life back.

In reality, my husband wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t going to miraculously set up a dating profile and wait for me to come find him. He was dead and not coming back. I needed to know I would never find THAT relationship ever again and be okay with that.

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I had to realize a new relationship couldn’t be an extension of my marriage. This had to be fresh and brand new. Though I was certainly allowed to carry my grief with me – as if I had a choice – I couldn’t expect a new partner to immediately fit my grooves in the same way my husband did. That connection and bond had taken years to develop. What we had, came after years of trials and errors. It was unfair for me to expect this from a partner I was meeting for the first time.

Sometimes we date and expect a new partner to be responsible for our healing. Let me say this for the folks in the back: It is not our new partner’s responsibility to heal us. If our entire healing comes through a new boyfriend or girlfriend then they also have the power to take us back to Day 1 of our grief if it doesn’t work out.

We have to take charge of our healing. We have to do the groundwork on our own. Whether that looks like therapy, prescribed medication, fitness or a widowed support group, we have to work on our healing and get to a place where a new partner is an addition to our life and not the person who gives us our life back.

We have to be okay with being alone or unfortunately, we’ll begin dating from desperation and loneliness versus dating from a healthy place. So often we’ve been in wife mode or mommy mode and we lost part of ourselves. Discover who you are post lost. What do you like? What hobbies spark your interest? What’s on your bucket list? You have to be at a solid place in your grief before venturing into dating.

Honestly, my healthy place may look different from widow A’s or widower B’s place of healing. Some confuse dating with wanting physical touch or even a friend with benefits situation. I think you should try to figure out what it is that you’re wanting. In an ideal world are you looking for companionship, a cuddle buddy, or more? That will help lay the framework for what it is you’re wanting for this next chapter of your life.

Remember there is no right or wrong answer. The widow or widower who opts for a series of one night stands doesn’t love their spouse any less than the widowed person who waits 10 years to date. If you decide to be involved in non-committal relationships, I encourage you to be smart and make safe decisions to protect yourself emotionally and physically.

Remember to have fun. You don’t have to get married to the first person you date post-loss. Discover your likes and dislikes. What initially attracted you to your spouse might not be the same things you look for in a new partner. That’s perfectly okay if your preferences have changed over the years and decades. It takes nothing away from the love you shared with your spouse.

Ultimately, you decide when you’re ready to date. Plus, you can change your mind when and if you want to. Don’t allow friends, family, or even society to dictate how and when you date after a loss. Do what makes you happy!

I also want you to know if you decide you never want to date after losing a spouse, that’s okay too. Don’t be pressured by anyone to do something that’s not in your heart and doesn’t align with what you want your life to look like.

I ask that those who opt to date respect the decision of those who don’t want to. They don’t think they are holier than thou. They aren’t wasting their lives. And, if you aren’t ever planning to date, don’t thumb your nose at those of us who choose to do so. You don’t love your spouse any more than anyone else for closing your heart to a possible love interest.

Again, you the choice is yours. Do what works best for your grief timeline.

Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.